by Beth Rinyu
I walked over to where she directed.
“The books,” she fought to get out.
I grabbed the two paperbacks sitting on the shelf just as Hannah’s sister reentered the room.
“Jana, please tell her.” Hannah’s voice was barely audible.
“This is Hannah’s book. The one you helped out with,” Jana explained. “Hannah was born with a heart condition, and over the past year or so, her condition has deteriorated. She was well aware of her prognosis, but kept going for as long as she could. It was her dying wish to write a romance novel. Thank you for helping her make that a reality.”
“Her Saving Grace.” I read the title of the novel I was holding. The cover was done up in a soft pastel background with a single white rose.
“I have a friend who works for a publisher,” Jana continued. “I told him about my sister’s wish to publish a romance novel. He pulled some strings, and here it is.”
“It’s beautiful.” I smiled as I fanned through the pages.
Hannah mumbled something incoherent to me, but Jana understood her perfectly. “She wants you to read the dedication.”
I flipped to the front of the book and read aloud. “To Bree & Simon—may you always be each other’s new fallen snow.” My eyes widened, and the promise to myself not to cry was coming closer to being broken. I studied the cover once more, paying particular attention to the title. Her Saving Grace. It finally dawned on me how the title tied in with Simon’s last name. Hannah’s story was about us. “I can’t believe you wrote this about me…about us.”
“I don’t know—” Hannah paused to catch her breath. “I don’t know how either of your stories will end in real life, but I know how it ends in my book…and I’m hoping that it’s similar to what the future holds for both of you.”
I pulled the book into me, squeezing it tightly. “This means more to me than you’ll ever know.” The tears were now streaming down my face.
“Thank you for giving me such a great lead character to write about.” Hannah’s words were slurred.
“Yes, Jonathan, my friend at the publishing company said Ava was one of the best protagonists he’s read in a long time,” Jana added.
“You named me Ava and not Barbara!” I laughed through my tears.
Hannah managed a smile. Her eyes were getting heavy, and I knew she needed to rest.
I walked over to her bed, wondering what to say. How could I tell her goodbye, knowing I’d never see her again? “I’ll let you get your rest. You’re going to need it to fight off all those hot guys you’re going to have chasing around after you.”
“Oh, Bree, thank you so much for being you, and not acting like this is different than any other goodbye.”
“It’s not, Hannah, because I know one day I’ll see you again. At least, I hope I’ll be going to the same place you’ll be.”
“You will be, Bree. I’ll make sure I have a bottle of wine and save a hot guy for you.”
“Sounds like a plan. Just make sure it’s not red wine, and I’ll bring the chick flicks.”
The tears were rolling down Jana’s face. I was amazed at how well I was managing to keep it together.
“Goodbye for now, my friend,” Hannah whispered.
“See ya.” I bent down and kissed her on the cheek before she finally gave in to her falling eyelids and drifted off to sleep.
I was still able to suck back my emotions, even after Jana and I stepped out of the bedroom and into the hallway. We headed down the stairs and Jana gasped.
“Oh, Bree, I totally forgot! We’re doing a book reading next month. It’s going to be at a book store in Manhattan, and all of the money will be going to the animal shelter where you and my sister volunteered. We’d love to have you come and do a reading. When we set it up, we were hoping Hannah could do it, but I don’t think that’s going to be a possibility. It would be such an honor for her to have you there to read from her book instead.”
“I’d love to.”
“Oh, that’s so wonderful. Here’s all the details.” She handed me a slip of paper, and I immediately added the information in my phone, placing the slip of paper inside one of the books.
“Oh, here you go. I grabbed two copies from the shelf when I was upstairs.” I went to hand Jana back one of the books in my hand.
“Actually, would you be able to give the other one to Grayson?” Jana asked.
“Grayson?” I raised an eyebrow and Jana snickered.
“I’m sorry, I was so engrossed in Hannah’s characters that I call them by their fictional names. The muse for Grayson,” she explained.
“Simon,” I whispered. The dull ache in my heart reared its ugly head with just the mere mention of his name. “Umm…yeah. Sure.” I didn’t have the heart to tell Jana that the happily ever after in Hannah’s book didn’t mirror mine in real life.
“Thank you so much, Bree! And thank you for coming today. It really meant a lot to my sister.”
“It really meant a lot to me too.” I smiled.
I said my goodbyes to all of her family, and hopped into the Uber that was waiting out front to take me to the bus station. I waited until that old farmhouse was a speck in the distance before allowing myself to completely break down over the one woman in the world who understood me the most. She was my polar opposite, yet the very best friend I could’ve ever asked for. I glanced at the books in my hand and smiled. Hannah had created a love story on the pages between the cover, and unbeknownst to her, she had also brought out a different kind of love story in my life. A love that I never thought would be possible again—the love for myself.
Chapter 38
My apartment was exactly how I had left it, and oddly enough, I was still feeling the same way as when I had walked out that door one month before—heartbroken. Except now I had another reason to be feeling down: in addition to losing the love of my life, I was losing my best friend.
I opened the curtains and looked out my window. I loved this time of year and the longer days—almost 9 p.m. and the sun was just starting to sink into the Manhattan skyline. A million thoughts raced through my mind as I looked out at the city, so close to Simon and Jack yet so far away. I wondered what they had been up to. Had they taken their trip to Disney World like he was planning? How I wished I could have gone there with them. I sighed deeply, knowing I had to make a decision as to what I wanted to do. If I planned on staying in New York, I was going to need to find a job soon. I had just enough money in my bank account to get me through the next few months. My brother had spoken to one of his associates that he did business with in the city who was looking for an administrative assistant. He told me that I was guaranteed to get the job, but I was still a little leery. I hated knowing I was being offered a position just because of who I knew and not on my own merits. Not to mention, I didn't have any office experience at all. Still, it was an option I was going to keep in the back of my mind if no other opportunities presented themselves. After taking the red-eye back the night before, and being mentally drained by my afternoon with Hannah, I was too exhausted to think. I'd deal with all of the questions, all of the worries, and all of the heartache tomorrow. For the time being, I was going to seek the refuge of my nice comfy bed that I had been missing for so long.
***
It felt good to wake up in my own apartment. As much as I loved awakening to the peacefulness of Paul and Trey's house, I missed the familiar sounds of the honking horns, sirens, and garbage trucks outside my bedroom window. I finished up my coffee and plotted out my day, glancing at the books on the counter and trying to muster up the courage to deliver a copy to Simon as requested. I battled whether I wanted to do it that day and take a chance of him being there, since it was a Saturday, or wait until Monday when I knew he'd be at work. I took a deep breath and thought deeply. I was tired of always running away. I was going to do it that day, and if he was there, then so be it, I was going to face him. I hurriedly showered and dressed before I lost my nerve. Giving myself
one last look in the mirror, I grabbed the book and was on my way.
My stomach clenched when the cab pulled up to his place and I saw his car parked on the street. "Umm...you did say this was the address, didn't you?" the cab driver asked as I sat in the back seat deep in thought.
"Oh, yeah." I snapped out of it, handed him his fare, and took the first brave step onto the street.
My knees became weaker with each step I took, and by the time I reached the front steps, I thought they'd give out on me. I inhaled and exhaled deeply, allowing the warm sunshine beaming down on me to calm my nerves ever so slightly. My hand was trembling when I pressed the doorbell and waited in angst for him to appear, sucking in one last deep breath when I heard the door opening. Relief and disappointment simultaneously washed over me when I saw Rosa, Simon's cleaning lady, standing on the other side.
"Oh, hi, Rosa," I spoke.
"Hello, Bree. How are you?" She smiled.
"I'm well. Is Simon here?" My voice wavered.
"No, he took Jack and the dog to the park. It's such a beautiful morning." She poked her head out and looked up at the sky.
"Oh, okay." It was just as well that things had worked out that way. Simon probably wouldn't have wanted to see me anyway. "Would you be able to give him this and let him know it's from Sister Hannah?"
"Sure." She took the book from my hand and gazed at it.
"Thanks,” I whispered.
She gave me one last smile and closed the door. I walked away, feeling a little defeated. As nervous as I had been to face Simon again, I still wanted to; there were so many things left unsaid between the two of us, and I hated it.
With hardly any recollection of the walk there, I found myself nearing the familiar park, where I was assuming I’d find Simon and Jack. It was the same one we’d walk Macy to every evening after dinner once the weather started to break. The park was filled with people taking advantage of the beautiful June morning before the blazing afternoon sun casted its rays, causing them all to seek refuge indoors. My heart rushed with excitement then clenched with apprehension when I caught a glimpse of Jack and Macy playing a game of fetch in the distance. I scoured the area for Simon, and it didn’t take me too long to spot him. I stood there silently, taking every ounce of him in, realizing just how much I’d missed every single thing about him. I knew I’d always regret it if I didn’t take a chance and let him know right now how I was feeling. What was the worst that could happen? He’d reject me and I’d be feeling even worse than I already was, if that was even possible. I didn’t care how much it would hurt, if that were the case; I had to take that gamble. I took the first courageous steps forward…until she stopped me—the pretty blonde who looked to be around my age, picking up Jack and spinning him around while he laughed in delight. Simon’s smile matched Jack’s happiness as I stood there frozen, realizing my wish for them had come true: they were happy—without me. I bit my bottom lip. How could I still be so in love with him when he’d moved on so quickly? Maybe it wasn’t as real as I thought. Maybe his love for me didn’t match how I had been feeling for him. Whatever the case, my heart couldn’t bear to watch any longer. That chapter in my life had just come to an end, and unfortunately it wasn’t the one I had hoped for.
Chapter 39
A month had passed since that day in the park, and I still wasn’t able to get that image of Simon and Jack out of my head. As much as I wanted to be happy for them, I couldn’t. Instead I was wishing that girl they were with was me.
Hannah passed away on a Sunday afternoon. When her sister called to let me know, I strangely felt at peace, taking refuge in the fact that she wasn’t suffering any more, and that she had chosen our special day to leave this earth. After thinking long and hard, I decided I wasn’t going to run away anymore. I was going to stay in the city and rebuild my life. I didn’t need a man to do that. I was strong and could do it on my own. My father and his girlfriend as well as Paul and Trey were coming to the city to visit, and then we were renting a place in Montauk to celebrate Fourth of July weekend. I was overcome with happiness just thinking that in a few more days we’d all be together. I had interviewed with my brother’s associate, and even though I knew nothing about what the job entailed, I was fairly certain I’d aced the interview. He told me I’d be hearing back within the next few days. If that didn’t work out, I would have to think of a plan B. For the time being, I was just focusing on the present instead of getting caught up in the what ifs of the future. I had been down that road before and saw where it had gotten me. At the moment, my present consisted of reading an excerpt from Hannah’s book and doing her proud.
I put on a fresh coat of lip gloss as I stood in the ladies’ room of the bookstore, giving myself the once-over. I had worn my favorite pink sundress and strappy silver sandals. My day spent at the park yesterday had given my skin a healthy, sun-kissed glow. I ran my fingers through my blond hair one last time, pleased with my reflection as I gave myself one last look in the mirror.
"Oh my goodness, you should see the crowd out there," Hannah's sister Jana exclaimed as I stepped out of the ladies’ room.
"Well, that makes me really happy for Hannah's book, but really nervous for myself."
"You're going to do just fine!" Jana reassured me.
I had practiced my excerpt over and over again to myself, but it was going be a whole different ballgame in front of a boatload of people. I promised myself that I wouldn't get nervous, and I would just pretend that Hannah was the only one sitting in that audience, listening to me read. Jana and I took a seat in the front row, and I tried to ignore the fact that she was right—the room was packed. Jana’s friend who worked for the publishing company got up and spoke first. He talked about Hannah’s dream to write a romance novel and how the book came to be. The butterflies in my stomach took flight when he started out with his introduction of me. I kept telling myself it was going to be me reading to Hannah at our usual spot in the coffee shop on a Sunday afternoon, and not a few dozen strangers in a crowded bookstore.
“It gives me great pleasure to introduce the heroine of our story, Miss Aubree Davis.”
The resounding applause of the audience caused my legs to weaken as I made my way to the platform. I adjusted the microphone and took a deep breath, clearing my throat before I began. I stared straight ahead, focusing on no one, just trying to keep my mental attention on myself and Hannah sitting in that coffee shop.
“I’m so honored to be here, and even more honored that Hannah made me such a huge part of something that meant so much to her. When I first met Hannah, I thought the idea of a nun writing a romance novel was ludicrous. What would she know about falling in love? But after reading her book, about a dozen times…so far.” I paused while the crowd laughed. “I realized that it wasn’t so ridiculous after all. She made me laugh, she made me cry, and she made me see things so much differently as I was reading this story—the same way she did in real life.” I took a deep breath and shook off the emotions that were starting to take over. “Hannah had asked me what it was like to fall in love, and when she first did, I couldn’t really put it into words for her because the truth was, even though I had once loved someone very much, I wasn’t exactly sure if I was ever in love with him. Then I met someone who made those words come so easy. He was kind, caring, and nonjudgmental. He was the perfect guy, I just wasn’t the perfect girl for him—he deserved someone so much better. I loved him with all my heart…I still love him, and always will. So, I’m going to read you a little excerpt of my contribution to Hannah’s book:
Love is gentle…as soothing as a warm, soft breeze on a hot summer night.
Love is stormy…as temperamental as a passing spring thundershower, departing as quickly as it came.
Love is courage…finding the strength to walk away even when your heart is telling you not to.
Love is hope…holding onto faith that one day he will remember you with fondness instead of looking back in disdain.
Love is
knowledge…in knowing that wherever you go or whatever you do, you’ll carry him in your heart for the rest of your life.
Love is contentment...never regretting one moment of loving him, even if you knew how much your heart would be breaking because of it.
Love is an old, cozy sweater…warming your body on the coldest of days. Even though it’s tattered and torn, you love it just the same because of the comfort it brings to you.
Love is a beautiful color…a bright shade of green that soothes your soul and warms your heart.
Love is a favorite day of the week…a day that fills you with excitement as you anxiously wait for it to get here, then wish for time to slow down once it arrives…and for me, that day will always be Thursday afternoon.
I gazed down at the podium, discretely wiping the teardrop rolling down my face, as the audience gave me a round of applause. A weight had lifted off my shoulders when I stepped down and headed toward the back of the room, out of the spotlight. I stood off to the side, half listening to Hannah’s sister speak, lost in my own little world.
“I didn’t know you were a writer.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, because I would recognize that familiar British accent anywhere.
“Simon,” I whispered, turning around and smiling through my tears. “What are you doing here?”
He held up the slip of paper containing the details of the book reading—the same one I had slipped into one of the books on that day Hannah’s sister had given it to me. I hadn’t realized that I never took it out.
“Oh, I meant to take that out before I dropped the book off to you. So, how are you?” I asked.
He nodded and I could only assume that meant he was okay.
“Did you have some time? Maybe we can go next door and get some coffee?” What the hell was I doing? I was only going to be tormenting myself by spending time with him if he did say yes.
“Sure,” he whispered.
I scanned the packed room, wanting to say goodbye to everyone, but when I saw the crowd of people waiting to talk with Hannah’s sister, I realized no one would be missing me if I left.