A Paper Trail

by Magan Vernon

  I looked down at my stomach. I wasn't even showing. I felt bloated most days and if I squinted, I swore I could see a slight rounding, but nothing major. I could have still probably fit into some of the form-fitting gowns but for how long? What would my body look like in June?

  A middle-aged woman with a tight bun wearing a black pantsuit came to the front of the store. "Hello. Welcome. Do you have an appointment?"

  Mom shook her head. "Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't know we needed one. My daughter is just in from Louisiana for the weekend and getting married in a few months, so we thought we'd take advantage of this time and check out some dresses."

  The woman pursed her lips and then looked like it was taking everything she had to force a smile. "How lovely. We usually go by appointment only, but I can check in the back and see if anyone is available to see you."

  The woman turned on her heel and left us alone at the front of the store.

  "Wow, she was real friendly," I muttered.

  Mom sighed. "Yes. I can see why you'd rather get married in the south. It seems they have a little bit more hospitality."

  "Yeah, I don't think any dress shop would turn us away."

  Mom glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. "What do you say we skip the Midwestern rudeness of this dress shop and get some cupcakes, then plan a trip for me to come in and go dress shopping with you in New Orleans?"

  I widened my eyes. My mom had never suggested going out for carbs, let alone blowing someone off. "Are you serious?"

  She smiled and opened the door. "Serious as a salted caramel cupcake."

  ***

  After going through a half a dozen cupcakes and two smoothies between the two of us, Mom and I headed back to her and Dad's condo.

  I'd grown up in their huge house in an affluent suburb and they'd only lived in their condo in Trump Tower for a few months. The last time I was there, I found it sort of cold and not as inviting, but when we opened the front door and heard Dad and Blaine laughing, I immediately warmed up to the place.

  "What's so funny?" Mom asked.

  Dad and Blaine were camped out on the leather sectional in the living room with some sports show on the TV, but it didn't even look like they were paying attention to it. They both looked our way when we came in.

  Dad pointed at Blaine. "Well, it seems that our future son-in-law has stolen my dog's attention."

  I peeked around the corner and saw their French bull dog, Sally, completely passed out on Blaine's lap with her paws in the air and audibly snoring.

  "Does this mean you want to take her back with us?" I asked Blaine.

  Blaine laughed and shook his head. "As much as I like dogs, I think we should find a place and get used to having a kid around before we add a dog to the mix."

  "That seems reasonable," Mom said and took the seat next to Dad.

  "Speaking of a place to live, how is the search coming?" Dad asked.

  I sighed and plopped down next to Blaine. "Don't ask."

  Dad raised an eyebrow. "The market that bad down there?"

  I shook my head. "No. Just haven't found anything we've really liked. Everything is too far from either our works or school."

  "Are you guys buying or renting?" Dad asked.

  "Renting, for now. Someday we'll buy a place, but it's just not in the cards right now," Blaine said.

  "Now don't get all pissy with me, Libby, but have you thought about the future past your associates? Are you going to get your bachelor's?" Dad asked, hesitantly.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but Blaine put his hand on mine and spoke first. "We've talked about this a lot, sir. I've told her that I can stay home at night with the baby if she wants to take night classes. Her finishing school is a top priority. She came south for some higher education and nothing is going to stop her."

  Dad nodded. "That makes me really happy to hear. Kathryn and I have been talking about all of this and though we weren't thrilled at first with everything, we both think that you're doing the best things. You're both more responsible than we ever were at your ages and we want to help you any way we can."

  "What your father is saying," Mom interjected, "is that we want to still pay for the rest of your tuition, Libby, and if you do need any help with the down payment of a house, we'll do that for you. Any wedding expense, we have it. You don't have to be afraid of us and what we're going to think. We just want you to know that we support both of you."

  I bit my lip to keep my tears at bay. All I'd ever wanted was their acceptance. I wasn't asking for their financial support and even though I needed it, it meant more to me that they were there to help with anything. "Thank you. Both of you."

  Blaine nodded. "We really appreciate it."

  "And if I have to travel all the way to Louisiana in the summer for a wedding, then you'd better have a place with air conditioning and some good food," Dad said and laughed.

  "Oh! I did find a place online in Elsbury for a reception that looked lovely. The country club in town? It looked like it might have been one of the only places, but I emailed the reservations coordinator while we were at the bakery and she said she might have room for a smaller reception."

  I looked at Blaine and he squeezed my hand as if he was urging me to speak my mind. I shouldn't have been angry, but there was something about my hormones that was getting to me. How could she email someplace without even talking to me?

  "You do know it is my wedding, right? And Blaine and I have already made plans to have the reception at his parents' place."

  Mom's face fell. "Oh."

  "We know you're just trying to help, ma'am, but this is kind of a tradition. Both my sisters got married in the Catholic Church and then had their receptions at my parents' place outside. All the women in the family get together and cook a big buffet and everyone can get together and enjoy each other that way," Blaine said, squeezing my hand, which I think he thought might calm me, but instead it was just making me madder.

  "No, it's fine. If that's what you two want, then I understand," Mom said.

  "It is," I snapped.

  "Libby, do you need a chocolate bar or something? You're getting awfully cranky," Blaine said, nudging my side.

  "What's that supposed to mean?" I growled.

  Blaine put his hands up. "Just saying, if you're hungry I can go get you something."

  "You know, Libby, since you want to cook for your wedding, maybe I can help out," Mom said, hesitantly.

  I laughed, shaking my head. "Mom, I don't remember the last time you ever cooked."

  Dad folded his arms across his chest. "Well, maybe instead of giving your mom so much grief, you could teach her something. Then you'll get food and she can learn to make something that doesn't require a takeout menu."

  I raised an eyebrow. "You're not serious."

  Blaine patted my back. "I think that sounds like a great idea."

  Dad stood up and pulled his phone out. "Just tell me what you need and I'll run to the store and get it."

  "This really can't be happening right now," I muttered.

  "You can either keep whining or you can help your mom cook, either way, let's get this started," Dad said.

  ***

  "Have these things ever even been used?" I asked, looking at the shiny metal pans.

  Mom thought for a moment. "I think you used those when you were here last."

  Dad laughed, taking a seat at the breakfast bar. "Now this is something I should record and get on YouTube."

  "Stop it, Jack!" Mom swatted him with a dish towel.

  "What? I don't remember the last time I've seen you cook and I'm sure your partners at the law firm would be interested too," Dad replied.

  Blaine shook his head and took the seat next to Dad. "Now don't make her nervous, Mr. Gentry. You don't want her to mess up and slice her finger or something. Nobody wants blood in their roux."

  Dad patted Blaine's back and smiled. "You're probably right. I'll try and be nice."

  "Okay, Mom, can you cut u
p the celery and I'll fry up the garlic and olive oil?"

  "This seems like an awful lot of pans for a one pot dish," Mom said, staring at the collection I gathered on the counter.

  "At least you have a dishwasher, at Aunt Dee's I have to wash all of these by hand."

  Mom widened her eyes. "Oh dear! Jack! We should get that poor woman a dishwasher."

  I narrowed my eyes. "I'm sure if she really wanted one, she would have bought it. I think she's doing just fine."

  Mom offered a small smile. "Sweetie, but there are three of you living in that house and with all of the cooking she does and with all she's helped us, it would be a nice gesture."

  "You know, my ma didn't get a dishwasher until my middle sister moved out and now she loves it," Blaine offered, yelling loud enough probably to try and distract me.

  "I'm sure it is a big help with your large family," Mom said, looking back at Blaine.

  We cooked in silence because I didn't have anything else to say and I was tired of arguing with her and really just plain tired. Creating life was exhausting.

  "I texted Beth and told her we were bringing her up dinner and she said good because she was starving," Mom said.

  "I am, too. I'm wondering if this will actually taste as good as it smells," Dad said.

  "If you want, I can bring a bowl up to Beth and you guys can eat," I said. I needed to get out. Get some air and away from my parents. It had only been a day with them, but I already needed my space.

  "Are you sure you want to do that?" Mom asked.

  "Yeah. That's totally fine. I can spend the time with the baby and Beth and then you all can meet me up there."

  "Are you sure you're not hungry, too?" Dad asked.

  "Yeah, that's fine. I'm sure Blaine and I can grab something on the way back when we get hungry."

  "Okay. Fine. I think we can deal with you heading up there before we take over all our precious grand-daughter's time," Dad said.

  "You okay if I come with or do you just want sister time?" Blaine asked.

  I smiled. "You can come. You probably need the practice in holding a baby."

  Blaine laughed. "I have five nieces and nephews. I've done enough snot wiping and holding babies to build up years of experience."

  "Well, then I guess you don't need to come," I said with a pout.

  Dad tossed Blaine his car keys. "Hey, someone has to drive you."

  Blaine stared down at the keys. "Sir, I don't need to drive your car. We can get a cab or something."

  "Nonsense. Just take it. It's in spot 19C in the garage."

  "Sir, I've never driven anything as fancy as your SUV."

  Dad smirked. "Good, then don't wreck it."

  ***

  It was the first time Blaine had actually driven under the speed limit while I was in the car. He also parked way at the top of the hospital parking garage and so far from other cars that I thought we were going to have to walk a mile just to get in the building.

  "Don't you think this is a bit of overkill?" I asked, trudging through the parking lot with the container of gumbo in my hands.

  "Hey, your daddy won't kill you and his grand baby, but I don't think he'd have any problem getting rid of me if anything happened to his car."

  I rolled my eyes. "You're kind of a drama queen, do you know that?"

  He grinned and put his arm around my waist before kissing my forehead. "I learned from the best."

  "What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped.

  He shook his head and groaned. "Do they give Prozac to pregnant women? You are all over the place and could use some."

  "Well excuse me, it's been a long freaking first trimester and I'm trying to grow another life in here."

  He squeezed my shoulder. "I know, baby, but you can ease up a bit. Your parents are just trying to help, and the way they know how to, is by throwing money. You can just say 'no thank you' instead of snapping at everybody."

  "Why are you being such a jerk?" I tried to hold it in, but tears streamed down my face. I'd always been emotional, but now everything was coming out in big, sobbing gulps.

  Blaine stopped in the middle of the parking garage and turned toward me, taking me in his arms and holding me tight. "Shhh, baby. It's okay. There's no reason to cry."

  "You think I'm awful!" I sobbed.

  He laughed and held me close, running his fingers through my hair. "I never said that."

  "But you're thinking it."

  "Are you a mind reader?"

  I sniffled and shook my head. "No. I just know it. You're working all this overtime and I'm just bitching all the time when I see you. That or falling asleep."

  "You need the sleep, I understand it," he said, rubbing my back.

  I pulled back and looked up at him, wiping the tears from under my eyes. "Quit making excuses for me, I know I'm awful."

  His eyes met mine. "Baby, you're not awful, okay? I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but just know that everything going on around us is crazy. It's going to keep getting crazier and you've been going with the flow so much, I had a feeling you'd snap soon."

  "I didn't expect it to be while we were here and over something so stupid."

  He laughed. "I think Alicia hit Ronnie in the head with the remote control when she was in labor with Callie. Every pregnant woman goes a little crazy, us menfolk just have to figure out how to live with it."

  I sniffled. "I promise to try and not to hit you with the remote. Try being the keyword."

  He shook his head and smiled. "I'm sure you'll try but probably not succeed and I'm sure you'll have more breakdowns, but we'll just have to power through them."

  I sighed. "Yeah. Hopefully we can survive them."

  He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me next to him as we continued to walk through the parking garage. "You know, Meemaw used to say that everything we experience, all of our ups and downs, is the trail of our life. Sometimes it veers one way and sometimes it veers the other. You get some mangled roots and fallen branches, but it keeps going."

  I shook my head and laughed. "I'm not even sure I know what that means."

  He squeezed my shoulder. "I think it means that just because we have a few bad days, doesn't mean that the worlds going to end and we'll get through it."

  I smiled. "I guess you're right."

  He leaned in and kissed me lightly. "I know I am."

  ***

  Before we even got to Beth's room, I could hear a baby crying and then Beth's frantic voice, "She just won't stop crying! I don't know what to do!"

  "Maybe this is a bad time..." Blaine said as we approached the door.

  "When was the last time she was fed and changed?" A calm voice asked.

  "She just fucking ate! All she does is scream, sleep, shit, and latch onto my tits until she does one of the other three again!"

  "Ma'am. That's what babies do. She's just a newborn. It'll get easier," the voice said again.

  I took a chance at glancing in the room and Brian caught my eye. "LIBBY! You're here! Hey, Beth, your sister and Blaine are here with dinner. Isn't that great?"

  Brian opened the door with his eyes wide as if he was asking for us to help him in any way we could.

  Even though Brian was always a huge goober with his balding head and jogging suits, he was always put together. This was the most disheveled I'd ever seen him with his scruffy face and faded t-shirt with wrinkled jeans.

  I would have rather run in the other direction, than walked into the room, but something pulled me forward. Maybe it was my motherly instinct, or maybe I just wanted to see if this was what it was really like to give birth.

  "Yes. We're here and we brought some gumbo that Mom and I made," I said, sheepishly entering the room with Blaine in tow.

  Beth was sitting on the bed with her hair all over the place and her makeup running. A nurse was standing next to her with a bundled, crying Luxx in her arms.

  "Do you want me to try taking her?" Blaine asked.

 
; The nurse looked at Beth and Beth waved her arms. "Yeah, whatever. See if you can do something about her."

  Blaine took the little bundled baby in his arms and set her down in the wheeled cart where a makeshift bed was made. "Hey, Brian, why don't we try taking her for a walk down the halls? That used to help my oldest niece."

  Brian audibly sighed with relief. "Yeah. That sounds great."

  "Let me know if you need anything else, Mrs. Watterson," the nurse said and followed the boys out of the room.

  I was alone with my sister. Usually I would have loved spending time with her, but with her being so out of character and moody, I wasn't sure. Two hormonal women in one room probably wasn't a good thing.

  "Um, Mom and I made this for you. It actually seems edible," I said, setting the container down on the tray by her bed.

  Beth glared at me. "I wish someone would have told me that motherhood fucking sucks."

  I sat down in the chair next to her. "I'm sure it's not that bad. It hasn't even been twenty-four hours."

  She shook her head. "I really thought I could handle everything. I'm a teacher for crying out loud. But you do all this work to carry them for nine months, then have the painful experience of pushing an eight pound human out of your vagina and having it torn in half. THEN after all that, they just want to latch onto your nipple and scream or poop when they aren't attached. I didn't think this was how it was going to be at all."

  "Wow. That makes me really excited to follow in your footsteps," I muttered.

  She sighed. "Sorry. I shouldn't be telling you all of this, but no one told me and I feel like I was really unprepared for this whole mess."

  "Well, at least you have Brian's help and his parents and Mom and Dad."

  "Pft. Yeah, but he can't get up with her in the middle of the night to breast feed."

  "Then why don't you just do formula or pump something so he can take a feeding if it's that hard?" I asked.

  She shook her head. "The doctor said my milk may have not fully come in and it'll get easier as we both learn. I want to do this. I don't want to fail and I feel like I keep failing over and over again."