Octopope!
Page 4
Back in the Divine Chamber, Octopope was either meditating or napping on his bed, while Dick and Andy entertained themselves by throwing crumpled up popcorn bags out the windows at the remaining followers.
Octopope opened his eyes when I entered the Chamber, and my associates approached me.
“Are we ready to talk now?” I asked.
“Yep,” said Octopope.
“Outstanding,” I said, sitting on the floor, “let’s get to it then.”
“Ok,” said Octopope.
“Go ahead,” I said.
Octopope turned to Andy. “Andy,” he said, “is there something you wanted to say?”
Andy glanced around. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Positive?”
“Yes.”
“Grand,” said Octopope. He turned to Dick. “Richard, is there somethi-”
“ENOUGH,” I said, “You’re talking. Start, please.”
“Alright,” said Octopope, “don’t get your panties in a bunch…”
“Just fucking ask him, Milo,” said Dick.
I took a deep breath. “Your Commandment. You talked about dark times and light times. Being more Holy. Rebuilding the ark. Care to elaborate?”
Octopope looked at us blankly. “Nope.”
Dick slammed his tentacles on the bed. “You fucking SAID it! There had to be a reason!”
Octopope shrugged. “Not really.”
Dick turned to me. “How’s the Divine Alone-Time Receptacle of a Shit-Load of Holy Booze holding up?”
“Don’t give up just yet,” I said.
“Oh, come on,” Dick groaned, “He could rip you to shreds just by looking at you. Hell, he already beat the shit out of you without touching you. You want to risk that again?”
“He could do it,” I said, “but he won’t.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” sighed Octopope.
Huh. Didn’t think that’d work.
“Right,” I said, making shit up, “he’s confused and stupid, but Octopope’s got an answer somewhere. The Book says so. ‘The Octopope shall always have the answer.’ I think you wrote that, Dick.”
“That was Jeff,” he mumbled.
“Sorry. But it still stands.”
“Alright,” said Octopope, “I’ll talk.”
We all looked up at him.
“Cool.”
* * *
“It came to me in a vision,” Octopope explained, “when the spirit of Octopopedom grabbed hold of me, I saw the world in a flash. Dark stuff and light stuff, and Holiness or something, I don’t know…it was really fast and really confusing. I could swear I saw the Divine Something-or-Other. Though it could’ve been lettuce. Again, it was really fast.”
“But the ark,” I said, “what about the ark?”
“Right,” he said, “there’s going to be a big-ass flood or some shit. We need the followers to rebuild the ark so we can survive it.”
“But we’re octopuses,” Andy said, “couldn’t we just -”
“Andy,” I said, holding up a tentacle, “Don’t.”
Dick was still processing. “So what does Holiness have to do with rebuilding the ark? Couldn’t they have just rebuilt it as is?”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” Octopope said, “but Holiness is a fucking virtue, and they weren’t being as Holy as they could’ve.”
“Holy shit,” I said, “I think that’s Wally in there.”
“Well, he IS Wally,” said Dick.
“I AM OCTOPOPE,” bellowed Octopope.
“Sure you are,” said Dick.
“Wow,” Andy muttered, “that’s heavy.”
“Yeah, gravity and shit. Can we get back on topic?” Dick asked, turning back to Octopope. “So you’ll admit that Holiness has nothing to do with building an ark?”
“I guess.”
Wow. I guess folks really will believe anything just because somebody fancy says it. Shit.
“Alright,” I said, “let’s swear to never tell Jeff that, lest he devise a gigantic paper-shredder and feed Octopope through it while cackling like a fucking demon, agreed?”
Octopope stared at me. “You have a vivid imagination, Milo.”
“Thank you, I try.”
“So…what now?” Dick asked. “Make the followers rebuild the ark?”
“I guess so,” I said.
“You really think it’ll be that easy?” said Andy.
“Probably,” I said, “they’re fucking sheep.”
“That’s abhorrent,” said Octopope.
Andy looked at me and mouthed the word, “Wally?”
“Shit,” I groaned, “they’re not copulating with sheep, they are sheep…”
“They most certainly are not sheep,” said Octopope, “they are octopuses, as are you and I, although I am a considerably more powerful one.”
“Sure,” I said.
“Do be more careful about confusing species, Milo.”
“Sure,” I said, “just go out there and tell them to rebuild the ark, ok?”
Octopope beamed. “Ok!” And launched himself up and out through the ceiling for the third time.
* * *
As we watched Octopope ascend, Dick turned to me.
“Are we not going to address how he can fly and shit?”
“Fuck no,” I said, “you heard him, that’s still Wally in there. You wanna extract that fucking tooth, be my guest, but leave me the hell out of it.”
“Fair enough.”
* * *
“PEOPLE!” Octopope bellowed. “REBUILD THE ARK!”
“Why?” came the reply.
“BIG FLOOD A’COMIN’!”
“Ok.”
* * *
“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” said Dick.
Part XVI:
The Triumphant Return of Jeff
Octopope gently floated back down to his bed and assured us that the followers were making preparations for the construction of the ark.
“Did you tell them how to do it?” I asked.
“Nah.”
“Don’t you think you should?”
“Fuck that, I’m nappin’.”
Octopope crawled under the covers of his seriously nice bed (lucky bastard) and Dick, Andy and myself found ourselves being pushed out of the Divine Chamber by an incredible invisible force. The door to the Chamber slammed in our faces.
“Well, shit,” said Dick.
* * *
The three of us decided to kill some time by checking on Jeff in the Divine Alone-Time Receptacle of a Shit-Load of Holy Booze. The huge mason jar barely had a half-inch of fluid left inside while Jeff was sprawled out in the center, apparently passed out again.
The Divine Alone-Time Receptacle of a Shit-Load of Holy Booze had served its purpose.
We opened up the Receptacle and pulled out our comrade. Jeff spluttered and regained some small semblance of consciousness as we tossed him to the floor.
“Wha’fug,” I believe he said before beginning an hour-long vomit-thon.
Part XVII:
What News From the Front?
We got Jeff cleaned up and recapped him on the whole Octopope situation, leaving out the whole ‘Holiness is meaningless’ thing as we’d agreed.
“Well, shit,” said Jeff, “they’re really building an ark?”
“Sounds like it,” I said, hearing sawing, hammering and clanking sounds from outside.
“Well what the fuck, man?” asked Jeff. “Why?”
“Octopope said to,” said Andy.
“That’s just fucking stupid as hell.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” said Dick.
“And what the hell does he plan on using it for?”
“So we can survive the flood,” said Andy.
“There isn’t going to be a flood,” said Jeff, “I’ve looked in the Book, and nowhere does it so much as mention a light rain, let alone a whole fucking FLOOD.”
&nbs
p; “We figured that much,” said I.
“So what in the mighty FUCK is he talking about?”
“Pulled it out of his ass, most likely,” said Dick.
“He IS Holy, though,” said Andy, “maybe he knows something we don’t.”
We looked at him.
“Andy,” said Dick, “shut the FUCK up. Seriously.”
* * *
“Alright,” said Jeff after some thought, “you said there’s still a lot of Wally in there, right? What if we try to access that part of him, the old him, and talk some sense into him as Wally, not Octopope?”
“I say we kill him when he’s sleeping,” said Dick.
“No, no,” I said, “Jeff might have a point. Maybe we COULD access the dormant Wally…we’ve done it before, right? We’d just have to keep the Wally part of him up top and listening. I mean, Wally was never the smartest guy out there. There’s a chance he might still listen to us if we play it right. It could work.”
“I think we could have a shot at this,” said Jeff, “Andy, what do you think?”
“Yeah,” said Andy, “Wally’s definitely in there. I miss that guy.”
“We all do, Andy,” said Jeff, “what about you, Dick? You in?”
Dick looked around at all of us.
“Seriously, guys?” he said. “I mean, really?”
“Yeah,” I said, “what?”
“Guys, I’ve GOT a gun. I could just shoot him in the head! BOOM, dead. Case fuckin’ closed.”
“For fuck’s sake, Dick!” I yelled. “He’s still Wally! You can’t shoot him, no matter how crazy he is! He’s our friend!”
“I don’t know if I’d call him our friend,” Jeff interjected.
“He’s our fucking acquaintance,” I said, “you don’t shoot acquaintances in the head while they’re sleeping.”
“It’d be too risky if he was awake,” said Dick.
“You’re not shooting him!”
“Fine. Ok. I’ve got knives. We could pull a Brutus on him, fucking whatever! Guys, we could end this shit RIGHT FUCKING NOW.”
I wrapped my tentacles around Dick’s throat. “We are not killing Wally! Do you understand me? NOT. KILLING. WALLY.”
“Et…tu…Milo…?” Dick mock-choked at me. I released him and stepped back.
“When Octopope wakes up, we’re trying Jeff’s plan. You can help us, or you can keep being useless. It’s up to you.”
Dick glared at me, gritting his teeth. I folded my tentacles and stared back at him.
“DAMN, you’re good,” Dick said, grinning. “Alright, we do it your way.”
THE END