After Life

by Jaron Lee Knuth

  Owen set his hand on the shoulder of the youngest girl at the table, which made her visibly uncomfortable. She was in her late teens and had jet-black hair, cut sharply so the front hung longer than the back. Her lip was pierced with a ring and her nose glittered with a small diamond. Her eyes looked huge in the light, but her head hung low, nodding as Owen introduced her.

  “This is Ashley.” Owen smiled big, a sort of titter in his voice. “We’re not sure what she does.” The rest of the group chuckled and Ashley rolled her eyes. “Ha, ha. I'm joking of course.” As Owen walked over to the next man, Alex caught Ashley flashing Owen her middle finger, than nonchalantly running her hand though her hair.

  “And this is Gary Harrison,” Owen said, presenting a strong looking man in his late forties. A thick head of hair was combed neatly to the side and a gray t-shirt spread tightly across his thick barrel chest.

  “Nice to meet you folks,” Gary said, his hardened face breaking to smile.

  “You already met Harold and Jesse,” Owen said, then pointed to the three children playing on the floor. “And those are the kids: David, Tyler and Isabella.” No explanation was given as to who their parents might be, which left the group to assume they were orphans.

  “Wow.” Morgan smiled, waving her hand at the elbow once. “I don’t know if I’ll remember all that right away so I’m apologizing now.”

  “Oh that’s fine, dear,” Brenda the science teacher said. “I get used to learning new names and forgetting them every year that I have new students.”

  The group around the table laughed.

  “You guys must be hungry,” Rhonda said, standing up from her seat and walking toward a plastic storage bin.

  “Actually I could really use something to drink,” Morgan explained, smacking her tongue to illustrate the dryness.

  “Of course!” Owen shouted in a cheery voice, “Anything you need, just let Rhonda know!”

  Alex sat next to Morgan at the table and they both slurped down the bottles of water set in front of them. They looked at each other for an instant, both about to allow themselves to smile, but quickly turning away and settling back into their unemotional states.

  “So, you guys are from Minneapolis?” Brenda the school teacher asked, finishing up the last bite of meat on her plate and wiping the crumbs from her mouth. When she set down the napkin, the white cloth was smeared with the red of her lipstick.

  “Yeah,” Alex answered at the same time as Morgan, but it was Alex that continued. “We were living in an apartment building there when the bomb went off.”

  “Bomb?” The large man named Gary asked, his fork freezing in the air as he raised it to his mouth.

  “Uh, yeah.”

  “Yes!” Owen spit out, cutting off any explanation Alex could give. “Our new friends have seen proof that the military is still out there fighting!”

  The group around the table murmured to each other. Most of them appeared excited by the news, but a few looked skeptical. Alex noticed a glassy look in all their eyes. They looked exhausted.

  “They blew up Minneapolis?” Gary asked, setting down his fork and frowning tightly at Owen.

  “A final blow to the most infected area, most likely!” Owen assured the group.

  “Was it that bad in the city?” Herman the Canadian businessman asked Alex, looking to Mr. Peterson after he spoke as if to acknowledge any input he might have as well.

  Alex shrugged, looking to Owen to see if he would offer another answer for them.

  “The streets were thick with those infected people,” Mr. Peterson said. “It was like the whole goddamn city was outside our window. I doubt anyone there is still alive.”

  A few of the people gasped and Rhonda peeked at the children, looking to see if they had overheard the man’s grim description. The children carried on as if nothing had happened.

  “They blew up everything?” Herman asked. He spoke clearly and enunciated his words very deliberately.

  “I think it was just one bomb,” Alex answered. “But it was big.”

  “Did it work?” Jesse asked, whistling through his missing teeth.

  Alex shrugged again. “Depends on what you mean by ‘worked.'”

  “Well, it got you out of the city.” Owen smiled. “We can be thankful for that.”

  “I can’t believe it.” Rhonda looked teary-eyed as she plugged a hotplate into a battery-powered generator and opened a can of meat. “The military. I already feel safer.”

  “Leave it to our troops to save the world.” Owen smiled, clapping his hands together. “Now, if everyone wants to settle in front of the big screen, we can start a movie soon.”

  Alex noticed that he felt fairly safe. He couldn’t hear the moans of the dead all the way in the back of the store. Familiar noises like music and the movie starting lulled him into a childlike stupor. It was a place where he didn’t need to feel guilty, or paranoid. It was a place where he didn’t need to change into a murderer just to survive.

  Morgan felt something was off. Something didn’t feel right about the store. After being outside and seeing what was really happening, she just couldn’t accept this way of life anymore. It felt like a dream.

  But soon she got caught up in the feeling that everyone else shared. Any thoughts of fear, or apprehension washed away as she sipped her cup of coffee, and then overheard Brenda and Herman talking about a cigarette break.

  Day 33

  1:41 pm

  As the days stretched on, Alex teetered between feeling comfortable and knowing something was wrong. When he saw Emma and Ashley trying on clothes and laughing, or saw the look on Morgan’s face when she saw the stockpile of cigarette cartons, he knew they were in a good place. Some place they could make a life that wasn’t a constant struggle. Some place safe. Some place that felt familiar.

  When he saw Owen’s defiance toward any change, or his insistence on making every decision – from what the group will eat for dinner to who’s turn it is to clean – Alex became uncomfortable. He found the old man insincere and unsettling.

  Owen acted nice enough, but his attitude changed depending on who he was with. In front of the group, he was always upbeat, steering every conversation into a positive area. With the men he showed his gentle, grandfatherly side, always speaking calmly. With the young women he acted more like a concerned father, asking questions constantly and listening without much verbal reaction. With the older women he spoke in a whimsical tone, cracking jokes and touching them when he laughed.

  Alex couldn’t take his eyes off the man, fascinated by what appeared to be a very conscious manipulation of the group. He also soon realized that Owen didn’t actually “do” anything, never helping to clean, or cook. He was always sending others to run his errands for him. The group leapt at the chance every time they were asked. They were truly obedient.

  That afternoon it was Gary’s turn to choose music for the radio and a CD of Tom Petty's greatest hits echoed in the electronics department. Alex sat near the kids, allowing himself to be distracted from Owen’s actions only by the innocence of the children playtime. The two boys moved around some Japanese action figures, while the girl colored in a coloring book with Snow White on the page. All of them were genuinely content, truly unaware of the events in the world.

  He was jealous of them all.

  Morgan gently touched the top of his head as she walked behind him, toward the pharmacy. The health and beauty section of the store was near the front, but still far enough away from the doors to be completely engulfed by darkness. Morgan dug through the boxes on the floor, finding everything except what she needed. The pharmacy had been completely ransacked, and hoping to find anything was an impossible wish.

  Her flashlight scanned across the floor, falling on box after box of tampons, adult diapers, condoms, and vitamins. Most lay unopened, tossed aside like they were simply in the way.

  As she walked through aisle after aisle of medicinal goods, another flashlight beamed from the paint
department. It floundered around in the air for a moment, than turned off.

  Morgan watched the area in the darkness for a moment, than went back to her search. She kept digging through the boxes until she heard someone curse from the direction of the light. The flashlight in the paint department flickered again and then went out.

  Morgan gave up her search and walked down the main wide aisle of the store, toward the back. When she reached the paint department she aimed her flashlight down the aisle she had seen the flicker of light. There, crouched on the floor was Rhonda, the woman who was in charge of food. Morgan had been uncomfortable around Rhonda ever since she had to place her first “order.” The woman exposed her power over the group as if she were underappreciated and desperate for attention. She took every opportunity to mention the work she did, but ignored any attempts to help her.

  “Rhonda?” Morgan said the name softly, letting her light fill the aisle.

  “What?” Rhonda spun around as if she had been caught doing something. “Oh. Um… Morgan. Right?”

  “Right.”

  “Oh, thank you. My flashlight went out.”

  “Oh.” Morgan stepped forward, offering her the flashlight. “I was just over there.” She pointed vaguely toward the pharmacy. “What are you doing?”

  “Oh. Owen and I were talking. He thought maybe we should do some decorating. Help everyone brighten up their little rooms.”

  The group had sectioned off parts of the store into sleeping areas. Each person had their own bed that was usually surrounded by a series of poles with sheets hanging from them to create walls. Brenda, the schoolteacher, had become a sort of step-mom to the children, and they all shared a large room. Other than them, everyone else slept alone.

  Morgan had been happy when Alex setup his bedroom next to hers.

  “Oh. That sounds nice.” Morgan tried to sound genuine, but in reality she thought the idea felt foolish. She had a creeping feeling the entire store was infected with denial. “Do you need help?”

  “Sure,” Rhonda said. The attitude in her voice sounded forced. “You can hold the flashlight for me.”

  Morgan did so as the older woman turned over cans of paint, looking for specific colors. She made noises of approval and disgust as she held each label up to the light, then set the ones she liked in the shopping cart next to her.

  “So,” Rhonda said, the tone in her voice trailing upward. “I noticed you and that Alex boy aren’t sleeping in the same room.”

  Morgan almost laughed, setting out a single huff of breath. The statement had nearly been posed to her as a question, the passive aggressiveness offended her, and the randomness felt ridiculous.

  “I’m sorry. What?” Morgan asked, allowing the woman the chance to restate her question.

  “Well, you know. I saw the ring on your finger.”

  Morgan unconsciously grabbed her hand and covered up her ring, almost instinctively. Rhonda stared at her, studying Morgan’s reaction.

  “Oh,” the leathery skinned woman said, her face looking like it cracked when she smiled. “Is there a problem?”

  “I don’t really want to talk about it,” Morgan said, trying to be blunt about her annoyance.

  “I understand. Of course,” Rhonda said, acting as if she were going to go back to her search for just the right color when she stopped and turned back toward Morgan. “Oh! Wait! Is he not the one who gave you the ring?”

  Morgan stared at the bleached blond woman, a look of shock slapped across her face.

  “Now don’t get upset, I’m not judging you,” Rhonda said. “I’m no angel. I’m just wondering how close you two are. I mean, did you just meet him?” She turned around, ignoring Morgan’s unchanging face and continued looking through the paint. “Is he just someone to keep you warm at night?”

  Morgan dropped the flashlight on the ground and walked away.

  Rhonda’s voice called after her, “And by the way, looking for pills in the pharmacy is useless, honey. We’ve picked it clean!”

  Day 33

  3:13 pm

  Nathan, who was hooking up a fresh car battery to a generator, wiped off his hands and then crossed the room to sit down next to Alex on the plush couch. The man’s sudden presence next to Alex hardly shook him from his trance. Alex barely reacted to Nathan, still staring off at the children on the floor.

  “Alex?” Nathan finally said, announcing himself.

  “Mm?” Alex said, drowsily turning his head toward the large man.

  “I just, uh…” Nathan stumbled. “I just wanted to, you know, check in with you. See how everything has been going since you… I mean we haven’t gotten a chance to really talk since…”

  “It’s okay,” Alex smiled. The large man's demeanor had taken him aback ever since they arrived. His arms looked massive and cruel, nearly covered in dark black tattoos. His voice rumbled from deep in his belly. But the man had been nothing but calm and sensitive. Even the children were unafraid of him. “Everything has been fine. We have it pretty good here.”

  Nathan looked to the scattered individuals around the department. Some watched a DVD on the big screen TV, while others played cards.

  “Yes we do,” his voice purred with a slight twinge of something Alex didn’t recognize.

  Alex wished the man hadn’t agreed. He desperately wanted to know that someone else felt uncomfortable with the falseness that surrounded them. He wanted to know someone else was unsettled by it, and that he wasn’t just rocking the boat.

  “Where’s your girlfriend?” Nathan asked, looking around the room.

  “She’s not my… I mean. I don’t know. She wandered off somewhere.”

  “She’s a good woman,” Nathan said. “I can tell she has a good head on her shoulders.”

  “I know.” Alex smiled.

  “You guys…” Nathan held up his hand, “I mean, I’m not saying anything, I just... you don’t seem very close.”

  Alex’s eyebrows rose as he at looked at Nathan, curious what the large man was getting at. “Yeah, well, things have been sort of complicated between us.”

  “Complicated?”

  “And a long story.”

  Nathan smiled, understanding Alex’s unwillingness to talk. “Okay. I didn’t mean to stick my nose where it don’t belong. I just hate to see people unhappy when they… when they got something good.”

  “I appreciate your concern,” Alex tried not to sound sarcastic. He did appreciate the man’s empathy. “It’s just not that simple.”

  “I guess I understand, but I just hope you aren’t letting something that happened before all this stop you.”

  Alex let his mind wander, trying to place his emotions in a more vulnerable place, but the instinctual guards he had placed around his brain made it difficult. Everything in his body warned him not to feel.

  He let himself weaken for only a moment.

  He tried desperately to push it back again, feeling the onslaught approaching, but it was useless. The emotion he had stored away was so massive it dwarfed his defenses, making his body crumple under its weight. Almost instantly a tangled whirlwind of guilt and passion, hopelessness and love, came spinning into his body. It flushed tears from his eyes almost instantly.

  “Whoa man.” Nathan backed away, shocked at the reaction Alex had. “What did I say?”

  “No, no.” Alex sobbed. “It’s not you. I’m so sorry. I just…”

  Nathan set his giant hand on Alex’s shoulder, enveloping it completely. The man’s bare arms looked like tree trunks when they were that close, and Alex felt safe near his strength. He fought the urge to fall against the man and curl up into his arms, wanting badly to feel like a child again.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Nathan said in a soft voice.

  “I’m so scared, Nathan. I just… I just want to protect her, and I don’t know if I can.”

  “You’ve done a damn good job so far.”

  “Have I?” Alex asked, his eyes red from crying. “Have I really?
I’m not sure anymore. I… I did some things that…”

  “Alex, listen.” Nathan voice became quiet, nearly whispering. “We’ve all done something. Every single person that is alive today has done something they aren’t proud of. Or wouldn’t be proud of in their old life. But that’s why we're alive. That’s why we survived when so many didn’t. Because we were willing to do whatever it took to protect ourselves and the people we loved.”

  “I’m not sure I can live with what I did.”

  “Yes you can,” Nathan said securely. “You have been.”

  Alex shook his head, “You don’t understand.”

  Nathan grunted, silently trying to decide whether he should share his own story. With a heavy breath he rubbed his forehead and leaned back, letting his entire body relax.

  “When they first locked the doors,” Nathan said, “we all just stood by the glass, staring out at the murder that spilled across the parking lot. I saw men, and women, and even… even children. All getting devoured by blood covered corpses. I saw people pushing other people into the arms of their attackers, just so they could get away.”

  Nathan’s head fell back and he stared up at the black ceiling covered in ventilation shafts.

  “No one got away. No matter what they did and how many people they sacrificed. No one survived. At the time, I was appalled, like every one else. Horrified that humanity had resorted to caveman rules so quickly. Kill or be killed.”

  Nathan sat up straight and looked at Alex, accentuating his words.

  “But then I looked at us. Were we any better? We sat back and watched it happen. Is our inaction any less evil than their actions?”

  “You couldn’t have helped them.”

  “No? Do you know that for sure?”

  Alex paused and then shook his head.

  “My wife. My unborn daughter. They live on the other side of town.”