Sweet Gone South

by Alicia Hunter Pace

  Hollow. Easters, Christmases, Halloweens — so many times when hollow would turn to physical pain. It was bad enough now but soon Missy would have her new baby. Eventually, Tolly and Lucy would marry and more babies would follow. Then Lanie’s younger brothers and sisters would begin to produce nieces and nephews. She swallowed the lump in her throat. At best, she’d be the wacky aunt who spoiled the children in her life with excessive gifts and outings.

  “I’ll take my egg to work and put it on my desk so I can see it every day,” Luke said to Emma.

  “Okay.” Emma climbed down from his lap and ran behind Nathan’s chair to get to her. “Lanie! I got this one for you!” And she held out a bright pink egg.

  “For me?” Lanie lifted Emma into her arms and took the egg. Her eyes moistened and she quickly blinked and buried her face in Emma’s baby sweet curls. Emma accepted the cuddle but she was way too excited to linger.

  As she watched Emma run back to the other children, Lanie caught Luke looking at her as if he was trying to figure something out. Tolly followed his gaze, then turned to look at Nathan and wrinkled her forehead.

  Lanie placed a bit of cake in her mouth, just to have something to do.

  • • •

  It was after eight o’clock by the time Lanie got home. Most of the guests had left by four, but she and Tolly had stayed to help Missy and Harris clean up. Later, as they had all lingered around the kitchen table eating ham sandwiches, drinking wine, and laughing, it occurred to Lanie that she was an outsider. They were all family. If she had spoken this, they would have scoffed. Scoffing, however, didn’t alter the facts. She would never have this.

  She changed out of her blue dress into black yoga pants and a pink t-shirt. Not that she did yoga. Who had time? She went downstairs to her office to do the paperwork that she hated.

  Her head began to pound even before the computer finished booting up. She removed the elastic band from her ponytail and shook her head until her hair spilled around her face. It was so tempting to turn the computer off again and go make a batch of something, anything. But if she didn’t order supplies — couverture, muscovado sugar, and metallic dusting powders — she would find herself with some empty cases in a few days. Plus, she wanted some new shell molds.

  So much to do. She needed to pay some bills — business and personal. And she really should order a new dress for the Breast Ball before Tolly could make her go shopping, which would be a special kind of hell. Maybe later she would log onto the Nordstrom site and look at dresses, but first bills.

  She removed her checkbook and the manila folder of invoices from her desk drawer. She had just opened the folder when she heard the door to the stairwell open, followed by barely discernible footsteps in the hall. She minimized the computer screen just as Luke strolled into her office, carrying a baby monitor and two beers.

  No wonder his footsteps had been so quiet. He was barefoot. He looked fresh from the shower and he wore running shorts and a t-shirt that was at least a size too small. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he intended for it to hug his broad shoulders to remind the world that his body wasn’t just lanky — it was strong and muscular too. She crossed her arms over her chest like armor. No matter how good he looked, he need not think he was going to kiss her again.

  Without speaking a word, he folded his tall form into the chair across from her, set the monitor on the desk, and handed her an open beer.

  “Doesn’t it worry you that you sit with your back to the door?” he asked and took a sip of his beer.

  “What?” She looked over her shoulder into the hall. “Why would it?”

  “Most people wouldn’t sit with their backs to the door. Spend a day in the DA’s office and you’ll never sit with your back to the door again.”

  She shrugged and sipped the beer. It was imported and expensive tasting.

  Luke’s eyes scanned her desk. “You still write checks by hand.”

  “I do.”

  “You know, if you had a laptop, you could take it upstairs and you wouldn’t have to come down here at night.”

  “If I did, that would be true.” She picked up the elastic band and raked her hair back into a ponytail.

  “Why’d you do that?” he asked.

  “Do what?”

  “Pull your hair back. It looks pretty down. You should leave it down.”

  Lanie picked up a note pad and wrote: 1. Move office chair. 2. Don’t write checks by hand. 3. Get laptop. 4. Wear hair down. She tore the sheet from the pad and handed it to him.

  “Anything else?”

  “What?”

  “You’ve been in here less than two minutes. You haven’t even said hello but you’ve criticized me about four things. I thought you might have some more suggestions to improve my life.”

  Luke let out a long defeated sigh and folded the paper into a small square. “Apparently I don’t even know how to have a conversation anymore.” He ran his hand through his hair and closed his eyes. “Dear Lord.”

  In spite of her residual anger, Lanie felt a little sorry for him. “Why don’t you try again?” She settled back and crossed her legs.

  Luke’s eyes dropped to watch her foot swing back and forth. He smiled a little. “Let me wash your face. Here’s your vitamin. Drink your milk. Do you need to go potty? Is that better?”

  Lanie laughed a little in spite of herself. “It’s all still directional but I guess that’s who you are.”

  He took another sip of his beer. “Not that my directions are usually obeyed. Sometimes when I hand down a verdict, I half expect the defendant to stomp his foot right there in my courtroom and say, ‘No! Don’t wanna go to jail! I not!’”

  “It’s not as bad as all that,” Lanie said.

  “Ha! Did you see her in church? Do you think that was my idea? Do you think I didn’t try to stop it?”

  “Surely you don’t think it’s the end of the world because she wore her Halloween costume to church on Easter.”

  The ridiculousness of the statement made them both laugh.

  “No, I don’t think that,” Luke said. “If I seemed undone it wasn’t because I was embarrassed. Had that been the case, I would have just kept her home. I might not have been able to get her in her Easter dress but at least for now, I’m still in charge of her comings and goings. I was at the end of my rope because I couldn’t control this one small thing in my three-year-old child’s life. I don’t understand it. She liked the dress. Twice, she’s had me try it on her. She knew it was for today. Yet, this morning, when I tried to dress her, she would have no part of it. She kept screaming, ‘I’m supposed to be honeybee.’ I begged. I bribed. I even brought out the daddy voice, which I’m here to tell you cuts no ice with Emma Avery. Finally, I gave in. I considered staying home from church, but I can’t let her run the whole world. I wish I’d never seen that thing. I’ve always called her honeybee and when my mother saw it, she just had to buy it.”

  “Does she wear the costume a lot?” Lanie asked.

  Luke turned his eyes to the ceiling, thinking. “No. Not a lot. A few times.”

  It began to come clear to Lanie. “Under what circumstances?”

  “Well. Halloween, of course. Then when my sister was here for Thanksgiving, she wanted to make pictures, so we put it on her then. Then for some reason, on Christmas she wanted it, and there was no reason not to let her. Maybe one other time.”

  “Valentine’s Day, maybe?” Lucy asked.

  Luke closed his eyes. “Maybe. Yes. I guess it was. My father had sent flowers to my mother.”

  “The bee costume is Emma’s holiday outfit.”

  “What?” Luke asked.

  “Honeybee is her special name. She’s Daddy’s special girl. She told me that. Holidays are special days. Thus … ”

  “And you just figured all t
hat out?”

  “Simple minds.” Lanie tapped her temple and polished off her beer. She was way ahead of him. After all the wine, she felt a little buzzed.

  “There’s nothing simple about Emma’s mind, or yours. I’m the simpleton around here.”

  “I wouldn’t say that. Arrogant, maybe. Simple, no.”

  “Well, I have been humbled today. And I do appreciate your part in getting her in her dress before the egg hunt. I’m insecure enough that I don’t want people thinking Emma doesn’t have appropriate clothes. She’s got them. I just can’t get her in them.”

  “You are worrying too much about nothing,” Lanie said.

  “I worry too much about everything. One being that I made you mad last week. I am very sorry. I admit it. I have fanaticized a little about you going bankrupt and having to go work as Emma’s nanny. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t wish it on you. You should be flattered. Really.”

  And he smiled at her — a real smile, with deep dimples, big, impossibly blue eyes widened and — dear God — he bit his bottom lip a little. This must be the look that he’d used to get his way back in the days before he was so sad, when getting his way mattered to him.

  And it worked. After all, it wasn’t his fault she had failed so miserably at so many things and harbored such insecurity. “Well.” She fidgeted with her empty beer bottle. “It has been a long week. Maybe my reaction wasn’t exactly equal to your crime.”

  “I’m also sorry for what I said about you and Nathan. I can’t help that I overheard you, but I never intended to say anything.”

  “Well, it is the truth. We’re pretending to be in a relationship that doesn’t exist. I can see why that might be puzzling.”

  Luke took another drink of his beer. “To say the least. How did it come about?”

  She almost told him to mind his own business, but the anger had lifted and she felt better for it. Why start something new? Besides, he knew already.

  “Missy is a matchmaker. That’s how it started. Last January, the school board fired the football coach after he’d had one too many losing seasons. Nathan had been coaching in Texas but he moved back to Merritt to take the job. Though I don’t think they were close friends, Harris and Nathan knew each other from playing football together. I don’t know if Tolly actually knew Nathan back then, though I’m sure she knew who he was.”

  “Everybody in the country knew who he was,” Luke said.

  “I guess. Anyway. Missy decided I was just the thing for Nathan. As you may have noticed, Missy is a force of nature, so it was easier to succumb. But at the end of the day, we found we were more interested in being friends.”

  “Then why continue this farce? As long as you’re pretending to date, you’re both closing yourselves to other opportunities.”

  “Exactly.” Lanie nodded.

  Luke lightly hit the desk with his fist. “I knew it! Nathan Scott is gay! I don’t like him — though not because he’s gay. I have nothing against gay people but I can see why it might be hard to be a gay football coach in a small town. When it comes out, they can’t fire him. I’d rule in his favor. I’m fair, even when I don’t like someone.”

  Lanie couldn’t stop herself from rolling her eyes, nor could she stop herself from laughing. “Stop making stuff up. Nathan is not gay.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I know. He’s not.”

  “Did you sleep with him?”

  “No! Not that it’s your business. There wasn’t any chemistry between us.”

  “See. Gay.” Luke crossed his arms across his chest. “You said he wasn’t attracted to you. He has to be gay.”

  “You’re ridiculous. Hasn’t there ever been someone who you were just not attracted to?”

  “Yes, but it’s not you.”

  As she fought back the pleasure she took in Luke’s comment, Lanie felt the blush start at her toes and work its way to her scalp. “Well. No matter,” she said. “Nathan isn’t gay.”

  “Then why wasn’t he attracted to you?”

  “Well, maybe I’m not — ” She stopped just in time, before she admitted she wasn’t normal.

  “Not what?”

  “Stop it, Luke. If you tell this, I will evict you. Nathan doesn’t want to date right now. He needs to be left alone to get his team I shape. You’ve seen the casserole brigade in action. And fresh meat is fresh meat, but when you factor in Nathan’s looks … well.”

  “What about Mr. Touchdown’s looks?” He looked a little prickly. This was fun.

  She laughed. “Have you seen him?”

  “I have. But since, unlike him, the jury is not still out on my sexual preference, I would not have noticed anything except he needs to learn to take his hat off in the house and put on some long pants.”

  “He is not gay. And you know it.”

  “Okay.” Luke nodded. “Let’s say he’s not. If he has no room in his life for a relationship right now, I can see him wanting to ward off women. And I can certainly understand why you aren’t attracted to him. But why do you keep it up?”

  “I repeat: have you seen him? Maybe I like looking at him. Maybe I like being seen with him. Maybe I’m hoping for a reserved parking spot at the football games.”

  “Oh, please.” Luke did a little eye rolling of his own.

  “Have you tried to get a good parking place at a home game? It’s tougher than you think.”

  All at once, Luke’s face changed completely. Gone was the cocky, mocking expression and she knew the light banter was over. Her stomach tightened.

  “Why, Lanie?” he asked softly. “Why don’t you want a relationship? Why are you hiding? What are you afraid of?”

  She didn’t bother to deny any of that. It was so clear that he was looking into her soul that she was surprised that he couldn’t read chapter and verse everything that had happened to her.

  “Why don’t you tell me about it?” he asked.

  That wasn’t going to happen. “Oh, I don’t think — ”

  He lifted his left leg and placed it on his knee. What was that on the inside of his ankle? She leaned over and took a closer look. It couldn’t be! But it was.

  “You have a tattoo!” Lanie said. “Of a skull.”

  “Yeah.” Luke lifted his ankle and looked at it like he had forgotten about the tattoo. “There’s a wreath of roses around it too. See?” He turned his leg to give her a better look and smiled whimsically. He seemed proud. “Mix a little sand, a little beer, a little spring break state of mind and you’ve got yourself a tattoo. Some of my pledge brothers and I were all going to get Greek letters but, somewhere along the way, I called them pussy conformists and got this instead. Have you got a tattoo, Lanie Heaven? Maybe of an angel?”

  “No.”

  “Tell me your troubles, Lanie,” he whispered and put an index finger to his lips. “I won’t tell.”

  And for some reason she did. Maybe it was the need to unburden herself. Maybe it was picturing him as a carefree college boy in a Panama City tattoo parlor. Maybe it was that she really believed he wouldn’t repeat her secrets. But she told him. She told him about Alexander and how he swept her off her feet, made her promises, and broke her heart. She told him how she had realized she was pregnant and lost her baby, all in the same moment. And how she would never have a baby. She told him of all her false starts and failures. She told it all, except for Alexander’s reason for leaving her — that she was not like other women. That, she could not bear to reveal.

  Luke listened intently, without interrupting or seeming impatient. When she finished, she braced herself. No doubt he would tell her it wasn’t so bad, and then hold forth on how to fix her life. She could hear him now. All men aren’t like Alexander. You can adopt. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

  But he didn’t say any of
those things. Instead, he said quietly, “I’m sorry, Lanie. If there is a woman in this universe who ought to be a mother, it’s you.”

  When he rose and came to perch on the edge of the desk beside her, she knew what he was going to do and she was going to let him. She didn’t care if it was a pity kiss; she just wanted him to kiss and touch her.

  And he did, but first, he cradled her face in his hands and caressed her jaw line with his thumbs. Finally, he lowered his mouth to hers for what had to be a kiss for the ages — sweet, hot, compassionate, and passionate. For once she didn’t worry about what wouldn’t come after. She just kissed him back.

  Finally, he stopped kissing her but he didn’t release her face. He leaned his forehead against hers and said, “I want you to end this asinine farce with Nathan. And I want you to be part of my life.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  “What did you say?” Lanie asked. “Are you crazy?”

  Luke shrugged one shoulder and tossed his head. “Oh, yes. I’m unequivocally that. I have been for quite some time. But wanting you in my life may be my first step toward sanity road.”

  “I am in your life. You rent an apartment from me. I watch your daughter. We’re sitting here right now drinking beer together.”

  “Technically, we aren’t drinking beer. I’m drinking beer. Yours is gone. And that’s not what I mean.”

  “What do you mean? Do you want me to stop pretend-dating Nathan, so I can pretend-date you, to keep you safe from those pie toting Pyrex Princesses? Because I’ve got to say, I don’t need a special parking spot at the courthouse.”

  “I don’t want you to pretend-date me. I want you to date me — though that sounds a little like I want to take you to the prom.”

  “Something else that Nathan can do that you can’t.”