Illicit Desires (Illicit #1)

by Rose B Mashal

  "But Mom, this is too much! It's not fair!"

  "Say something more and I'll make it four."

  Not fucking fair!

  "I heard that!" Mom called while I was climbing the stairs to my room.

  Fuck, I didn't even know I said it aloud!

  "Hey, what's wrong? Why all of the yelling?" Lily asked as she came out of her room, wearing a purple bathrobe and wrapping a towel around her head.

  "This is your entire fucking fault! Go put something on!" I threw the towel in my hand in her face, then I went into my room and slammed the door.

  Everything is her fucking fault.

  Like I had been doing since that night… I blamed her for everything and nothing at once.

  But, the bottom line was, I wouldn't have needed to go to the bathroom downstairs if she had just gotten out of the fucking tub so I could use the damn thing!

  And I wouldn't have gotten that tattoo if it wasn't … for her.

  I knew it wasn't like she had forced me to get it, but still, I wanted to blame her. I'd been treating my sister like shit for too long, but it was easier that way. I couldn't get her out of my mind, and I couldn't stop drooling over her. But that was just part of it. The guilt over what I did to her was eating me from the inside out. Eating me alive!

  I still couldn't believe what I did to her.

  How could I do such a thing? How could I? What kind of sick twisted bastard was I to do such a thing to my sister? And while she was sleeping? God!

  But then again, I thanked God that she was sleeping, at least she wouldn't witness or even remember such a thing. I didn't know how could I ever face her if she ever knew I'd done something like that.

  I could die out of guilt. Truly die, I wasn't just saying it.

  That night when realization hit me about what I did to her, I couldn't stop vomiting. I thought I was going to vomit until I got dry and simply died.

  And to add to my misery, she came rushing to me in our bathroom and held me, asking if I was okay. I apologized, not knowing what else I could say. I felt like killing myself for what I did to her.

  When she hugged me, I fucking felt an overwhelming need to kiss her, like really kiss her. And that was just fucked!

  I knew it was wrong; it was like I become a bewitched loser whenever she got close to me.

  So pushing her away was my only solution, and pushing her away I did. Hard.

  I hated myself for that, but it was better that way. For her if not for me. She didn't need a pervert brother in her life; she was better off without me … with me away from her.

  I yelled at her, asking her to never touch me again—never come close to me… And, since then, she'd obeyed.

  Well, she had no other option; I used any available excuse to start a fight with her. Sometimes, she just accepted it or fought back, but other times she would cry, which broke my heart every single time.

  God! If only things were easier on me, they would be easier on her too, because I'd stop being an asshole to her.

  Being grounded was the thing that I hated the most, it was just fucked. I spent two months without going out one fucking time, and it was driving me crazy, I was bored stupid.

  Ian, Sean and Elliot came to hang out with me in my room a few times but still, it wasn't that good, and it wasn't as much fun as going out. Lily, on the other hand, was almost as grounded as I was. My Dad was very overprotective of her, and I loved him so much for it. He didn't allow her to go anywhere far without me, and since I couldn't go out, she couldn't either. She hung out with Sandra and Julia and went shopping with them every now and then, but other than that, it was a big no.

  Eventually, she begged that we be allowed to have a movie night with our gang of friends. It took a huge amount of begging but we finally got permission. I knew she didn't do it for me – she hated me, or at least, I wanted to make her hate me so she’d stop being sad or mad. Or so I hoped.

  The movie was amazing. Well, other than Emma, who was trying to dig her way to China through my arm while we watched the movie. If Lily had done it, I would've been more than okay with it, but she didn't even touch me. I thought she would, since she had a soft heart and simple things scared her, but she didn't – she hung onto Elliot's arm instead.

  Later that night, I couldn't sleep; like always I was thinking about her. I kept on tossing and turning in my bed for God only knows how long. I heard movement outside my room but didn't think much about it.

  Suddenly, I heard my door opening then closing after a moment. At first I thought it was Mom or Dad checking in on me, but it wasn't. A peach smell filled my room and my lungs.

  Lily.

  She hadn't visited my room for night cuddling in a long time, longer than I could remember. She begged me to let her spend the night in my bed, and of course I knew it was a bad idea –a very bad idea. But she kept begging and I couldn't tell her 'no'. Though, I couldn't tell her 'yes' either.

  I just sighed. She took it as a yes, and jumped into the bed with me. I tried to stay calm and convinced myself that I could stick to my side of the bed, and simply never think about the beauty lying next to me.

  It worked … until she started tracing my tattoo with her fingertips.

  I felt a shiver running through my body as her soft fingers touched my skin.

  Fuck!

  I tried to upset her by acting all douchey with her again.

  Maybe she'll just leave, and this will end well with each of us sleeping in our own beds.

  But, of course, she didn't leave.

  My poor sweet little sister was too scared to go back to her room.

  Her fingertips started touching me again; this time, she was touching my scar. I couldn't shrug her hand away this time. I knew it would break her heart; she'd think I regretted what I once did for … myself.

  She thought that I gave her my kidney so she could live, but the truth was, I gave her my kidney so that I could live, because I simply couldn't live without her.

  If she dies, I die. End of the story.

  I held her hand, since it was the safest thing for me to touch in her body, and I assured her that I loved her more than anything in this whole world. And it was true. I loved her unconditionally. And that would never change. Ever.

  The kiss I left on her forehead burned my lips. I couldn't help but feel how soft and beautiful her skin felt. God! If I just could stop it…

  She fell asleep after our heart-to-heart talk, or my little confession to be clearer. I missed that so much. I missed my sister. But I couldn't do any better more than I was doing now, I had to remain an asshole to her and after what she said –about how she loved me— I had to work a little bit harder.

  I stared at her sleeping form. She looked so peaceful, so much at ease. She was wearing a 'Hello! Kitty' tank top that was white and made her look all innocent and pure.

  Like always, she was so innocent and pure … my sweet little sister.

  Her left hand was under her cheek, and her other was still holding my hand. I was grateful for the distance between us, but I still couldn't help but want more. Closer.

  My eyes rested on the line that her tits made in the middle of her chest. It looked so fucking hot and it was screaming my fucking name. I knew it wasn't right. I knew that the guilt would kill me if I did something to her like I had done before.

  I knew I shouldn't. But also, I couldn't stop.

  I couldn't have her right in front of my eyes and not be able to touch her. Eventually, I couldn't keep my hands to myself. I touched her. I touched the line that had been glaring at me all of this time. It was begging me to touch it and I just couldn't ignore its calls anymore.

  She felt in-fucking-credible! So fucking soft, it felt like silk, the fucking softest silk ever known on earth.

  I couldn't bear the thought of not kissing her, so I did. I meant to kiss her neck once, but the softness of her neck and the smell of her skin made me kiss her again and again and again.

  It seemed like I wasn't able
to stop! I pulled her to my body and ground my erection into her.

  Fuck! Not that again!

  I thought better of it, not sure if it was because I didn't want to jizz my boxers again to the sight of my sister, or the feel of her for the matter, or because I didn't want to come so fast and end this. I think it was the latter though.

  I knew that once I finished this, the guilt, embarrassment, and shame would kick in… So, I wanted to delay it a little. If I was going to feel guilty for this, I had to make it worthwhile.

  She moaned when my tongue made contact with her skin, and my heart about stopped. I froze in my place to see if I woke her but found that I hadn't.

  I was somehow feeling happy that I made her feel good, or that's what I was convincing myself in order to keep going. I kept telling myself that she indeed felt good because of my touches on her body.

  One moan after another started to escape her beautiful lips, a new one with every new thing I did to her. Her tits felt amazing in my hands; I wanted to never stop touching them.

  I tried my best not to wake her and fondled her tits ever so tenderly, still afraid to wake her. When her eyes remained closed, I knew she was in a deep sleep and wouldn't wake up. I turned her on her back and started kissing wherever I could reach with my lips and my tongue, touching wherever I could touch with my hands and fingers.

  Again, I couldn't fight the need to kiss her, but this time I wanted it to be on her most intimate place. I thought maybe if I did, it would end all of my misery. Maybe I was craving her so much because of how forbidden touching her in this way was. I thought that maybe once I touched her, it would be over.

  I took off her pink boy-shorts, and I could swear she raised her hips a little, helping me to get them off of her body. I had no idea that she would be so aroused by it.

  Her lips were swelling and glistening with the evidence of her need, and I couldn't believe I did that to her. I wanted to do more. I trailed light kisses all over her forbidden heaven and inhaled deeply, taking in her musky and all feminine scent.

  A drop of her arousal touched my lips, and the taste made me freeze on the spot. Lily was moaning and moving a little, forcing my lips to brush slightly deeper.

  It was like I went into shock and couldn't take it anymore. I just hunted her heaven with my tongue, licking it with everything in me, wanting to taste her more and more, to drink whatever she offered me. I drank her sweet nectar like it was my last drink on earth, slightly aware of Lily's growing moans.

  "Adrian! Oh, my God!" I heard Lily gushing, and some part of me realized that I couldn't keep going. But the rest of me couldn't allow me to stop.

  I hungrily licked her heated core because it was the source of what I wanted to have, and then flicked my tongue on her little nub of a clit. "Oh, God! What are yo— oh God!" I heard Lily moaning again as she was trying to ask me what I was doing.

  I'm going crazy on the sweet fucking delicious taste of yours, little sister.

  "Adria— oh God, you can't d— Oh God!" Her hand gripped my hair, and I thought she was going to push me away, but instead and to my surprise, she pulled me into her. I groaned into her heated core, licking her more and more with everything in me.

  Fuck! I can't believe this is happening!

  "Adrian! Please, Ah, Don— oh, oh, ahh!" She gripped more of my hair. It was painful, but I didn't care. Her hips jerked and her thighs shook slightly, announcing that she just came.

  I made her come? Holy!

  The thought itself made me rub my cock faster into the mattress that I had been grinding my erection into it all along, and with one last jerk of my hips I came in my boxers while my mouth was still buried in her heat.

  Fuck! Did that just happen? Oh my fuck!

  It all happened in a few moments, less than a minute since the time Lily woke up and we both came.

  Lily sat up, breathless … and not in a good way.

  She looked – scared.

  Fucking shit!

  She pulled the sheets to cover her body and gripped them tightly as I sat up on the bed. She looked like a scared little rabbit. She was shaking! What did I do?

  I stared at her with all the sadness and guilt in the world resting on my shoulders like a heavy weight.

  God! She's scared of me!

  Of course she is! She just woke up to her brother molesting her.

  Oh my freaking hell! What do I do?!

  Tears started to roll down her cheeks.

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  "Lily!" I whispered, reaching a hand to touch her shoulder, trying to calm her a little. But she flinched away like she was afraid to be touched by a flame.

  What did I do?!

  "Lily! I'm sorry," I said because I didn't know if there was anything else I could say, and I reached to touch her again.

  "Don't touch me," she said in the smallest voice, a whisper mixed with a sob. I swear I heard my heart breaking in two.

  ''Don't touch me, Adrian!" Another cry that was nothing but a hushed whisper.

  She gripped the sheets, wrapping them around her lower half, and left the room with heavy yet fast steps through my bathroom door.

  I buried my head in my hands and started to weep like the pathetic motherfucker I am.

  The days passed like weeks, the weeks passed like years.

  Lily stayed in her room for a long time. She didn't go to school, and she had a constant fever that never broke except with medications, only to strike back again in no time.

  I was so scared, and my parents were really worried about her – she looked like hell. She lost a lot of weight and looked so pale; no one knew what was wrong with her. No one but me.

  Every time I went to her room to see how she was doing, I made sure that Mom or Dad or one of our friends was with me, so as not to scare her. She always looked away; she never looked at me, not for a second.

  It killed me. I felt like a rapist.

  Of all of the people in the whole world, I manage to hurt the one I loved the most.

  It didn't make any difference that she came. I got her too horny to be in her right mind and decide to push me away.

  Climax or not… it was as fucked up as it ever could be. I killed her from the inside.

  My sweet baby sister.

  I knew what should I do to make it right for her. She'd be fine when I no longer existed… I shou—

  Knock. Knock.

  The sound of knocking on my bathroom door shrugged me out of my thoughts. Only one person would ever knock from there.

  It couldn't be!

  Could it?

  I hurried to the bathroom door and opened it, maybe only to prove to myself that it was an illusion and no one on the other side.

  But I was wrong. Lily was standing there, looking so weak and pale, so sick and skinny with a light shade of darkness under her eyes.

  "Adrian, we need to talk."

  The last thing I expected to see when I raised my head to look at what was happening to me, was to find my brother's head … buried between my thighs! "Adrian! Oh, my God!" I gushed.

  It was like he didn't hear me at all, because he didn't stop, he didn't even slow down; on the contrary, he was moving his tongue faster, and driving me crazy with every meaning 'driving me crazy' could have.

  "Oh, God! What are yo— oh God!" I think I moaned the last part; I couldn't help it. He touched my clit with his tongue and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. "Adria— oh God, you can't d— Oh God!" It wasn't right. I tried telling him that he couldn't be doing this to me, but the feeling of his tongue and what it did to me was overwhelming. Instead, I kept on moaning, not able to say anything I wanted to say.

  Unconsciously, I gripped his hair. He was using more tongue on my entrance, maybe trying to taste more of my wetness. I didn't know, nor was I going to think about it, not right then, and I tried to get him to focus on my clit more. My orgasm was building so fast inside of me and I just wanted to get there.

  He groaned into my sex, and it only dr
ove me more insane. My orgasm was so close; I felt it rushing to hit me so powerfully.

  "Adrian! Please, Ah, Don—" What? Don't do this? Don't stop? I really didn't know. All I could do was grip his hair more to force his head and tongue to stay in place. My orgasm started to hit me in strong waves; it felt as if it would never end.

  "Oh, oh, ahh!" At the same time, I heard Adrian moaning, but his moans were muffled by my sex. God! This did not just happen! I stood up like something had just burned me, breaking our contact. I sat as far away from him as I could on the bed, so my back was hitting the headboard.

  I was panting so hard, or was I not breathing at all? This did not just happen. It can't be. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! My brother didn't just do this to me. It can't be. It must be one of my stupid dreams. No way my brother did this, there is just no way! Oh, God! Please let it be a dream. Just a dream. Please. Please!

  The shivers that were escaping my body assured me that I wasn't dreaming, not at all. Pulling the sheets up to cover myself, I felt my body shaking as I stared into my brother's eyes. Please, Adrian, tell me you didn't just do this. Oh, God!

  "Lily!" he whispered, reaching for my shoulder with a shaky hand. My body automatically flinched away, not welcoming his touch. "Lily, I'm sorry." The guilt was all over his face – sadness and remorse.

  Please, let it be a dream. "Don't touch me," I heard myself saying when he tried to touch my shoulder again. "Don't touch me, Adrian." I didn't even recognize the sound of my own voice.

  It was clear now that I wasn't dreaming, even with all the hopes I had for God to let it be a dream; it was all in vain. He did this. This happened.

  How I left his room remained a mystery to me, I didn’t know how I made it out of there or even how I made it to mine. It felt like everything was a blur – I couldn't see, I couldn't feel, and I may have even forgotten to breathe for some time.

  Sleep left me. Of course I couldn't just go to sleep after what had just happened. How could I? I was in a state of shock for several hours. I didn't know how I passed them –maybe I was just sitting on my bed, or my armchair, or even on the floor staring at nothing. I didn't know.