Conflicted

by Lisa Suzanne

  “Get under the desk,” I hissed.

  “Are you serious?” he hissed back.

  I gave him a wide-eyed pointed look, and he sighed in frustration as he crawled under the desk. I checked to make sure he couldn’t be seen from the doorway, and then I took a deep breath and opened the office door.

  “In here!” I yelled, and then I stepped out of the office and closed the door behind me, my heart racing violently.

  “What were you doing in the office?”

  “Just cleaning,” I said, hoping he’d buy it. “I just finished mopping.”

  “That explains the sweat,” he said, looking me over.

  “Yep, that explains it.” My voice came out all shrill and weird.

  He gave me a strange look. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah! Great.”

  “What’s for dinner?”

  “Whatever. I haven’t thought about it.”

  “I’ve got some work to do.”

  “In the office?” Fuck. Not in the office. Fuck. I forced my breathing to even out, but panic was starting to edge in and I wasn’t sure how to control it.

  “Well, if it’s clean…”

  I interrupted. “I’m not done in there. I, uh, still need to, um, vacuum. And the desk! I have to dust the desk.” I rambled with the first thing that came into my head.

  “Fine. I’ll work on the couch. I’m just going to go change.”

  “Sounds great!” My enthusiasm was out of the ordinary, but I couldn’t help it.

  I was a terrible liar.

  I shouldn’t be doing this to my husband. I shouldn’t be hiding my secret lover under the desk in the office while my husband was on the verge of catching us.

  The second John was out of the room, I ran into the office and found Cole crouched under the desk. I felt like a total asshole.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, grabbing his arm and helping him up from the floor.

  He shot me a dirty look.

  “I need to get you out of here.”

  I checked both ways before ushering him toward my front door. I got him out the door and stood in the hallway with him for just a second.

  “I just…” He cut himself off. “Never mind. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I wanted to know what he was about to say, but he needed to go. He pressed his lips quickly to mine and then disappeared down the hall.

  I walked back to the kitchen to put the mop away, and then I went into the office, cleaning the spots I’d told John I needed to.

  I stared at the chair where Cole had just fucked me. My body was worn and sated, but guilt pressed heavily down on me.

  What we’d just done had been completely amazing, but it had been so stupid, too. We’d come seconds away from getting caught.

  I needed to talk to John and I needed to be honest with him. I had to deal with this rather than continue pushing it off with excuses.

  I had no idea what to say or how to say it, but I couldn’t keep this affair up for much longer.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  It turns out that I could keep up the affair longer than I thought.

  Two weeks after we’d first slept together, guilt pressed on me, but it wasn’t strong enough to stop the affair. And when John walked in late each night with a new excuse and a lack of interest in me, the guilt melted easily away.

  I was juggling a lot of balls, and one was bound to drop at some point.

  Cole couldn’t seem to stay away, and I couldn’t seem to tell him no. My body constantly ached for him, but it wasn’t just the sex. We’d started connecting on a deeper level, too, and that scared me far more than the physical act of sex.

  I was actually starting to like him. Once I’d successfully chipped away at the wall he’d built between us, I found that the man hiding beneath it was interesting and fun.

  Kaylee was still in the hospital, gaining strength every day while her husband continued to battle brain swelling in his medically-induced coma.

  Madi bounced between my parents’ house and the apartment I shared with John. My mom understood that we were busy with work, and both of my parents were retired, so they offered to take her more often than not. I gave my mother no indication that anything was wrong in my marriage, but I was pretty sure she sensed something was off.

  My phone rang Monday just as I was leaving work, and the screen let me know that it was my mother.

  No news is good news. Her motto repeated in my head.

  She was still at the hospital, and she was calling me.

  This was news.

  A million thoughts flashed through my head. Kaylee had taken a turn for the worse. Kevin didn’t make it. They were both in far worse shape than we thought. Madi was going to have to live without her parents. I was going to have to raise Madi with a man who I didn’t even like anymore.

  My heart beat in double time and my chest felt heavy. “Is Kaylee alright?” I answered.

  “Yes. I have good news. They took Kevin off the meds, and he’s awake!”

  “Thank God.”

  “They brought Kay into his room and she sat with him for a while. He woke up when she was telling him how much his little girl needs him.”

  Tears filled my eyes. “That’s the best news.”

  “He’s got a long road to recovery, but he’s going to be okay. And Kay’s getting released, too!”

  “When?” Relief lifted the weight that had been pressing on my shoulders. My sister was getting out, Kevin was awake, and soon I’d be able to tell John everything.

  And then I could be with the man who I was starting to fall for.

  “They’re working on the release paperwork now.”

  “Thank God. Should we bring Madi by to see her?”

  “She wants Madi to see her at home. Madi’s with me, but could you come get her and bring her to your sister’s house?”

  “Of course! What time should we bring her?”

  “Any time tonight, if you can.”

  “Done. Around seven o’clock?”

  “Perfect. Love you, Lucy.”

  “I love you, too, Mom. Give Kay and Kevin a kiss from us.”

  “I will.”

  I hung up the phone and sighed in relief. I would finally be able to tell John the truth…that things were over between us. I’d finally be free to move forward with Cole.

  Or so I thought.

  I texted John to let him know that Kay had been released, and he texted back that he wanted to come with me to drop Madi off.

  Great. Just what I wanted…an hour alone in the car with my husband.

  After I’d picked up Madi from the hospital and John met us for dinner, we drove the hour to Kaylee’s house. We waited for my parents to bring Kaylee home, and we were there for the tearful reunion between mother and daughter.

  Kaylee looked loads better, although she still sported a cast on her arm and she moved slowly from the pain in her ribs. Much of her bruising was healed and she seemed to be in good spirits.

  And then we left. My nerves got the better of me as I knew that this was my moment. This was my chance to be honest with John.

  “Can we talk?” he asked once we were on the road again.

  “Of course.” I’d expected that I was going to be the one to start the conversation, but if he wanted to go first, I wasn’t going to stop him.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been at work so much lately. But there’s a reason. A good reason, I think. I was going to wait to tell you, but I don’t think I should wait any longer.”

  I studied him as he drove. He was so different from Cole. He was softer. He wasn’t commanding. He wasn’t rude or domineering.

  “I got a promotion at work.”

  “That’s great! Congratulations,” I said.

  He grinned. “My boss told me at lunch today that they chose me. It’s why I’ve been obsessed with work lately. I know things at home are suffering because of it, but from this moment forward, I’m going to fix that. I’m going to be a better husba
nd.”

  I opened my mouth to respond, to tell him that more money wasn’t going to fix our marriage, but he continued.

  “I wanted to keep it a secret because I bought you something. It’s something you said you didn’t want, but I’ve always known deep down that you do. It gets here next Tuesday, so keep that night free. I knew that if I logged a lot of hours, I’d be in a better position to get the promotion, and it worked. It all starts here, babe.”

  I softened at his term of endearment. He hadn’t called me “babe” in months, but more importantly, he hadn’t quoted our vows in months, either: “It all starts here, babe.”

  How was I supposed to follow up his speech with what I’d planned to say to him?

  He’d essentially just told me that he’d been working so hard because of me. The big division that spanned between us happened so he could make me happy.

  Or had it been for a different reason?

  I had the sudden terrible thought about the real motivation behind his dedication to work. Had he been working so hard to show the world that he could afford to buy me whatever present was on the way? Or was he really doing it for me?

  If he really loved me, wouldn’t he have worked harder on showing me that instead of working harder at the office?

  A few kind words after months of isolation didn’t make everything okay again. It was going to take more than a pronouncement and a gift to fix our marriage.

  “Tell me about your new responsibilities.”

  John chattered away while I zoned out. This certainly threw a wrench in my plan.

  I’d do it, and I’d do it soon. But I couldn’t take away from his joy and happiness. I couldn’t stomp all over his heart when he was so excited, even though it would mean continued time apart from each other.

  So I let him go on and on, oblivious to the fact that the person sitting beside him was wholeheartedly thinking about another man.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  When the next morning rolled around, I felt like hell.

  John had tried to come onto me the night before as a first step on the road of recovering our marriage, but I faked a headache and climbed into bed early.

  Part of me thought I should fill Cole in on John’s news. I’d wanted to text him the night before to tell him that Kaylee was out of the hospital and Kevin was awake, but John had gotten in bed right after I did.

  It hadn’t gone unnoticed that the first person I wanted to share good news with was Cole.

  I noticed Cole’s car in the parking lot—the car he’d shoved me up against in the hospital parking garage. I couldn’t help my small smile as I thought about his words from that day.

  I arrived at my desk a few minutes early. Cole’s door was only pushed halfway closed, and I could hear him talking on the phone. I couldn’t make out the words, but just the timber of his voice warmed me. I couldn’t wait to see him.

  I walked over to his door, my heart rate picking up speed the closer I got to his door.

  “Thanks, Lincoln. I’ll have Lucy work on the details, and I’ll send your ideas along to our other departments.”

  I froze when I heard my name. I knew it was business-related, but I loved hearing my name roll off his tongue. I loved hearing him talk about me to business associates, and I loved that he trusted me with the account.

  He hung up the phone, and I watched as he bent his head to write something down. I knocked on the door, and Cole looked up, his brows knitted. His entire face smoothed into a warm smile when he saw it was me.

  “Good morning, Ms. Cleary,” he said, his smile widening.

  “Good morning, Mr. Benson.”

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t call you last night. I went to dinner with my parents and some of their friends. It ran longer than I expected.”

  “I have some news.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”

  “My sister was released from the hospital and Kevin is awake.”

  “That’s great news.” He rose and walked toward me. He stopped and leaned casually against the edge of the desk. He stood there powerfully, all hard lines and pure masculinity in his suit. His eyes were a soft brown as they gazed at me, and I had the sudden urge to hop onto him. He lowered his voice. “Does that mean you’re going to talk to John?”

  “I will. He, uh…said some things yesterday, and the timing wasn’t right.”

  Cole sighed and looked out the window. He folded his arms across his chest. “I don’t want to know.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He turned back toward me, and his eyes were colder than they’d been only seconds earlier. “Can you be honest with me?”

  “Of course.”

  “Are you ever going to tell him?”

  I nodded and stepped through the doorway and into his office. “Yes. I am. I promise. I’m just waiting for the right moment.”

  “You were waiting for your sister to get out of the hospital because of Madi. You were waiting for Kevin to wake up from his coma. Those things have happened, Lucy.” His gaze returned to the window, and I felt like I was about two inches tall.

  My heart dropped. He was angry—and rightly so. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

  He looked at me again, studying me, and then finally nodded his head almost imperceptibly.

  “Aside from MTC, is there anything else you need me to work on today?”

  “Actually, yes. Close the door for a second.” I did as he instructed, and then he stood from his desk and walked around it. He leaned on the edge. “Now that Kaylee’s out, how about that trip we talked about?”

  I thought about it. I couldn’t really see any reason not to go, and it would give me unlimited time with Cole—something both my heart and my body craved.

  “To New York?”

  He shook his head. “I’ve got some business in San Diego. I could drive down and get it done in a few hours, or we could go together and stretch it to a few days.” His eyes gleamed wickedly.

  I couldn’t think of anything that sounded more fantastic than Cole, a beach, and the absence of anyone who knew that I was married. “When do we leave?”

  He grinned. “I’ll forward you the details so you can make arrangements. I have a lot to get done today, but we could leave as early as tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He stood from his leaning position and walked to me. He hauled me firmly against him, and I immediately felt his erection as he thrust his hips toward me. His lips dragged across my neck.

  “If we’re traveling to San Diego tomorrow, I don’t have time to do what I want to do to you right now. But I’m going to spread you out on the bed in the hotel and fuck you until you can’t walk straight.”

  “You can’t say shit like that to me and expect me to get back to work.”

  He chuckled. “If I can work with this raging hard-on, you can work with wet panties.”

  “How do you know they’re wet?” I challenged.

  His voice lowered to a raw, sexy whisper. “Because after sleeping with you for the last two weeks, I know your body pretty well.”

  I couldn’t argue there. He kissed me just long enough to make me want him even more, and then he broke away from me and returned to his desk. He tapped a few keys on his computer.

  “I hate you,” I whined.

  “I don’t doubt it. Enough shenanigans, Ms. Cleary. Back to work.” I let out a long and frustrated sigh before opening his office door. Before I left, he said, “We’ll have plenty of time in San Diego.”

  I turned back. “It’ll never be enough.”

  “I know,” he whispered.

  I couldn’t help the crazy grin that spread across my face as I got to work planning our trip.

  I pulled out my phone to text John, trying to come up with the most diplomatic way possible to let him know I was planning to go out of town with the guy he already had his suspicions about.

  Need to go to out of town for a few days for work. I read it ov
er a few times before sending it.

  His reply came almost immediately. When and will your boss be there?

  We leave tomorrow and he needs his assistant.

  I didn’t get a reply from him, but I had a feeling I’d be facing the music when I got home later that night.

  I wasn’t wrong.

  I stayed late to finish work on a few projects since I’d be away from the office for a few days, and John was home already when I walked through the door.

  “So another trip with your boss?” he asked without preamble.

  “God, John, can I at least set my purse down before you start attacking me?”

  “Oh, come on. What’s going on between you two?”

  He presented me with yet another chance to be honest, but I wasn’t ready.

  I was terrified to tell him the truth. What if I broke free from him only to realize that Cole and I didn’t work in the real world? What if the sex was so good because of the thrill of the secret, the intoxication of the affair?

  I’d give myself this time with Cole. I’d selfishly live in this fantasyland for just a few more days, just until I knew for sure that Cole and I could make it work outside of the affair.

  I’d use this time away with him to see how it felt, and I’d know my answer once we returned from San Diego.

  “It’s my fucking job. You of all people should understand that.” I dodged his real question by turning it around on him.

  He sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I know I’ve been neglecting you lately. I’ve just been so wrapped up in designing this new software, and I have a huge presentation on Friday.”

  I was surprised to hear that he had a presentation. He tended to work behind the scenes.

  “I hope it goes well.”

  “Me, too.”

  He picked his iPad back up and settled into work, and I headed to the closet to pack my bag for my “business” trip.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  I slid into Cole’s Audi a little after noon for our trip down to San Diego. When I’d left earlier that morning, John had barely mumbled a goodbye. It was better that way, though. I had far less guilt when my husband treated me like an acquaintance than I would if he’d been the loving and attentive man I’d married.