Conflicted

by Lisa Suzanne

  I missed him already, and I hadn’t even left him yet.

  But I was going to. I didn’t have a choice. Cole had this way of sliding right past my better judgment, and if my goal was truly to get to know myself again, to be an independent woman who could get by without leaning on the men around her, then I needed to cut him out of my life.

  I closed my eyes when I felt the stinging. I wouldn’t cry.

  I headed over five minutes before the ceremony was set to begin. Training Room A was the room where the majority of staff development took place. It was set up like a lecture room with a small stage in the front and rows of seats facing it. The room could hold over a hundred people, and it was already filling up with coworkers eager to take a short break from their work to grab some of the refreshments at the back of the room and watch one of their own receive a nice bonus.

  Three chairs were set up at the front of the room, and two of them were occupied by the other ladies who I was up against for the award—Mary and Jasmine.

  I looked around the crowded room. My nerves calmed the moment I spotted Cole. He was talking to the managers of several departments, and his eyes flickered in my direction. I stood rooted to my spot for a moment, thinking about everything that had happened in a relatively short time. My heart ached as I stared at him.

  This was going to be so much harder than I thought.

  He turned back to his colleagues, and my legs somehow carried me to the chair waiting for me at the front of the room. Mary and Jasmine were making small talk, and they included me in their conversation. But I couldn’t concentrate.

  Not when I knew what I had to do.

  Cole made his way to the podium just a few feet away from the three of us. I closed my eyes briefly as a hint of his scent floated through the air toward me.

  I’d never forget it.

  All of our coworkers took their seats, and then Cole began to speak.

  “As you know, the Assistant of the Year ceremony was instated by my father several years ago. It was his idea to attach a rather attractive bonus to the award as a way to thank those who really keep our company afloat. I can’t say I disagree with my father, but I, along with several other managers, have decided to completely restructure the award this year.”

  A few murmurs rose up from the crowd, and my heart started pounding with anxiety. Since he’d spilled the beans the night before that I was the winner of the award, I’d been counting on the bonus. Ten thousand dollars was everything to me, especially since John deserved the apartment and I had nowhere to live.

  But they’d restructured the award?

  “This year’s nominees are all very deserving. Mary Banuelos, assistant to Brandon Jeffries, has been with Benson Industries for nine years. Mr. Jeffries has described her as a valuable asset to the entire company, not just to the marketing division. Jasmine Capone, assistant to Kenneth Newlon, has been here for five years. Mr. Newlon has said that the HR department wouldn’t run without her. In fact, he told us that she took a well-deserved vacation last year, and the entire department was in complete disarray until she returned.” The group who had gathered reacted with a laugh.

  He was lighter somehow. He’d always been so professional, but he was cracking jokes and making the crowd laugh. I had to wonder if it had something to do with waking up next to me that morning. I brushed the ridiculously arrogant thought away.

  I knew he was going to say a little something about me next, and nerves knotted my stomach. “And finally, Lucy Cleary has been the assistant to the CEO for six years. First she worked with my father, and now with me, and I can honestly say that without her, my transition into CEO of this company wouldn’t have been so smooth. She keeps the entire company up and running on a daily basis, and I’ve just piled more work on top of her after one of our newest acquisitions personally requested her.”

  He turned back to look at me with a bright smile that just about killed what was left of my soul.

  He glanced at Mary and Jasmine, too, but that smile was just for me.

  “After much deliberation, the managers and I have arrived at this year’s recipient.” My heart pounded wildly. “But first, let me explain the restructure.”

  Jasmine twitched nervously beside me, as did Mary beside her.

  “The ten thousand dollar bonus attached to this award certainly makes it high stakes, and in my talks with all of the managers, we agree that all assistants are valuable to this company. All assistants deserve something extra for the long hours they put in. And so, for the first time ever, just like their higher-ups already do, all assistants will be receiving bonuses this year. The structure will depend on the number of years the assistant has been employed with Benson Industries.”

  The crowd cheered.

  “The three ladies sitting behind me, though, will receive a bigger bonus. Benson had its best quarter ever, and I strongly feel that rewarding our own will lead us to even better quarters in the future. We discussed the qualifications of each nominee at length, and while they’re all deserving, only one of them can be named Assistant of the Year. There isn’t a second place or a third place, so both of the runners-up will receive a five thousand dollar bonus.”

  Another cheer rose up from the crowd. Cole’s speech was definitely winning him fans. He was just steps away from physically throwing money out at his underlings, and they were eating it up.

  Mary, Jasmine, and I all looked at each other with shock. That meant that the lowest amount we could possibly leave with was five thousand dollars.

  “Our winner will receive the ten thousand dollars that has always been associated with this award, but in addition to that, she will receive two additional weeks of paid vacation per year and a ten percent raise.”

  Holy shit. I thought the ten thousand was a generous reward, but this…this was unexpected.

  This also threw a bit of a wrench into my plans.

  “And now I’d like to announce our winner. I can’t say enough about what a professional and qualified recipient we have this year. She’s dedicated. She’s skilled. She’s extraordinary, and I’m a lucky, lucky man that I get to call her my assistant. Congratulations, Lucy Cleary.”

  My coworkers in the crowd cheered for me, and I stood from my chair, feigning shock by putting my hand over my mouth. Truthfully, I was a bit shocked at the additions to the award, but he’d already told me I was the winner.

  The money was important. The extra vacation time was excellent. The raise was fantastic. Hearing my name was wonderful, but the compliments that came out of his mouth regarding my performance meant so much more to me. Especially after the way he’d treated me the first month we’d worked together.

  Cole came over to me with a big smile and shook my hand. He yanked on my hand and pulled me into a brief, work-appropriate hug.

  I had to admit that being in his arms felt all sorts of right. I breathed him in, wanting this moment to last forever. I sighed contentedly, wishing with everything inside of me that he’d never let me go.

  But he did. We were on a stage in front of all the people who worked for him, after all.

  I took a deep breath and made my way to the microphone. “Thank you,” I started. I turned back to Cole, who stood a few feet behind me. He nodded encouragingly. “I really can’t thank you enough for this award. I loved working with your father for so many years, and I’ve learned so much from you since you took over. We’ve had our ups and downs, but it’s been a pleasure working with you.”

  I stepped away from the microphone, not sure what else I was supposed to say. I stood to the side while Cole stepped back up and told everyone to get back to work, earning himself another laugh from the crowd—and clearly winning all sorts of fans in the process.

  The crowd dispersed, and Cole stood in front of Mary, Jasmine, and me. “Your bonus will be in your next check. HR was notified of the bonuses and the payment has already been processed. Congratulations, ladies. You all deserve it.” Mary and Jasmine gushed over him for a mom
ent, and I hung back just a bit.

  He turned to leave, glanced at his watch, and turned back to me. “Ms. Cleary, I need to meet with you over lunch in an hour.”

  I nodded, and then he left. I mingled with a few of my coworkers who congratulated me, but my mind was on my lunch meeting with Cole. He’d said we would talk at the end of the day, so this had to be work-related, not personal.

  The resident historian, Rebecca, took my photo to put in the next company newsletter.

  And then it was all over.

  I headed back to my desk ten grand richer. I didn’t really suppose it was going to make me work any harder since I already considered myself a hard worker, but I was definitely grateful for it.

  I checked my messages, sent the email I’d drafted earlier that morning, and then headed to Cole’s office for lunch. I knocked on the door.

  “Yes?” he called.

  I pushed the door open. “You wanted to see me?”

  “Close the door and sit,” he said. I did as he requested. He tapped a few more keys on his computer and then turned toward me.

  He folded his hands in front of him before his eyes met mine. “I know I said we’d reconvene at the end of the day, but I can’t take the waiting. I hate this shit. This is why I don’t do relationships.”

  “I’ve thought about what you said all morning.”

  “And?”

  “And one thing really stuck out to me.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You said I’ve been stringing you along, but there’s something you don’t know.”

  His eyes narrowed.

  “I told John last night. I told him everything before I came here to see you.”

  His eyes lit up. “You did?”

  I nodded. “I did. And then I walked in on you with some tramp.”

  He averted his eyes to the window, his gaze falling over downtown Los Angeles. “I can’t change what happened.”

  “No, you can’t. And I can’t, either.”

  “So that’s it.” He stood and walked around his desk, leaning against it beside me. I knew he wanted me to stand and walk into his arms. “It’s over with John, and we can move forward.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  He folded his arms across his chest. “Of course it is.”

  I shook my head. “No, it’s not. John isn’t what I want, and you are what I want, but I can’t just jump from one man to the next.”

  “So we’ll take our time.”

  “No, Cole. You don’t get it.” I stood up and walked over to the window.

  I was going to miss this view.

  “Then explain it to me. Help me to understand.” His voice took on an edge of anxiety, and it shredded the remains of my already broken heart.

  I turned back to Cole. “I need to be on my own. I can’t be in a relationship that started on a lie.”

  “What we have didn’t start on a lie.” He was arguing, looking for a loophole. But my mind was made up.

  “Well then it isn’t right for me to start something that could grow into something potentially very serious while I’m still married.”

  “Then we wait. Divorces can’t take that long, can they?”

  “Six months minimum in California.”

  He glanced away from me, somehow sealing in my mind that I’d made the right decision. He digested the idea of waiting six months for me. He knew if he was going to do that, there’d be no more random blondes that he could screw in his desk chair. He’d be committed to a memory until I was free to be with him, and I was sure that wasn’t how he envisioned his future.

  He drew in a long breath before looking at me again. “Lucy, what are you saying?”

  “Mr. Benson, thank you for the opportunity to work with you. Thank you for the Assistant of the Year bonus. Thank you for giving me a chance with MTC, and thank you for trusting me with confidential files and trusted information.” His eyes grew wide with horror as I spoke. He knew where I was going with this, and my voice shook as I got to the words that I knew would break both of our hearts. “Thank you for everything. I quit.”

  I turned and walked toward his door. I felt his eyes on me the entire way, but I couldn’t seem to stop my shaking legs from taking me to my desk, where I grabbed my purse out of my bottom drawer, logged off my computer for the last time, and headed toward the elevator.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  I sat in my car with no real plan, staring at the steering wheel in a daze. I half expected Cole to come after me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to or if I just wanted him to leave me alone.

  That’s a lie.

  I wanted him to chase me down and fight for me. I wanted it with every fiber of my being.

  But I knew he wouldn’t. He’d been pretty clear that morning. He was done playing games. I had no idea what sort of mess I’d left behind. He’d been honest with his feelings for me, and I’d still walked.

  What was done was done. I’d acted impulsively for too long, and it was time to get a plan together and move on with my life.

  The events of the past twelve hours hadn’t quite hit me yet, but I had a feeling that once they did, the emotions would be overwhelming.

  I called Kaylee while I sat numbly in the parking lot.

  “Hey, Luce.” Her voice was tired.

  “You need some help with that little girl?” I asked, faking enthusiasm.

  “Sure, I could use some help. Don’t you have to work?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “Come on over.” I knew my sister. She’d never come out and ask for help directly. She’d only take it if it was offered. And I was out of a job and essentially homeless.

  I was hoping she’d be interested in a mutually beneficial arrangement. Maybe she’d let me stay with them to help out with Madi while she focused on helping her husband on his road to recovery.

  “I’ll be there in a couple of hours.”

  I started the car and glanced up toward Cole’s office window. I couldn’t see in with the bright sunlight, but I imagined him standing in his window watching me. I imagined our eyes met for one last long glance, and I imagined the pain in his matching the pain in mine.

  I tore my gaze from the window and touched my fingers to my lips. I imagined it meant I was giving him a secret kiss, and I closed my eyes for a brief moment before taking a deep breath and heading toward my apartment.

  Once I got “home,” I packed my suitcase with as many clothes as I could fit. It was early-afternoon, so I had all the time I wanted, really—but I didn’t dawdle.

  After I brought my clothes and bags to my car, I went back in to leave a note for John. Before I wrote the note, I looked around the apartment that I’d decorated with my husband. I took a moment in each room, allowing the memories to wash over me.

  As much as I’d felt neglected recently—and for much of our marriage—it hadn’t always been that way. As I walked through the family room, I heard our shared laughter at our favorite sitcom. In the kitchen, I smelled John’s burnt toast the morning after we’d moved into this apartment. Down the hallway, I saw us making love up against the wall one night when we hadn’t made it to the bedroom—the night we’d gotten engaged.

  When I walked into the office, though, I remembered sitting in the chair, cheating on my husband as I listened to the voice of another man guide me to climax.

  When I walked into the bedroom, the memory that hit me was the night before.

  This wasn’t how I ever imagined it.

  I always thought marriage was once and forever, but that was before I married the wrong man.

  Hindsight makes everything so much easier. It was easy to look back and say he’d been wrong for me, but I hadn’t seen the signs when we’d been dating. I hadn’t expected to one day wake up and realize that I didn’t love him anymore.

  I hadn’t expected to fall so hard for another man.

  And I never expected to fall into an affair.

  It just wasn’t me. It wasn�
�t my character. It wasn’t what I knew and it wasn’t where I came from.

  Yet I’d done it.

  Everyone makes mistakes, but I couldn’t look at my time with Cole and call it a mistake. That would be a bigger lie than my “happy” marriage had been.

  My real mistake had been marrying John. It had been staying with someone when I wasn’t happy because I was too complacent to do anything about it.

  I walked back through the apartment, realizing that except for my clothes and a few pictures, there wasn’t really anything I wanted. Even the desk chair that I’d so desperately had to have just seemed tainted now.

  I pulled the paper and pen from the drawer in the kitchen and started writing.

  John,

  I stopped by to get my clothes. If there’s anything here you want, you can have it. I’ll be back next week sometime to get the rest of my things. If there’s anything you don’t want me to take, just mark it.

  I know you don’t want to talk to me, and I understand. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for the way things turned out. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better wife to you. You deserve better than me, and I hope you find it.

  I’ll miss you.

  Lucy

  I read my note over before leaving it on the counter. I wanted to apologize for cheating on him, but it was a sticky situation. I wasn’t sorry I slept with Cole, but I was sorry that John had gotten hurt because of it.

  I drove to my sister’s house in complete silence. I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even realized I never turned on the radio.

  Instead, I thought about all that had transpired over the past few weeks. I thought back to Cole’s first day as my boss, to our New York trip, to Cole’s softer side that emerged so rarely.

  I thought about John and the good times we’d had once upon a time.

  And I thought a lot about the future. I wasn’t sure where I was going or what I’d do, but I was sure that for the first time in a long time, I was free.

  “What’s going on?” Kaylee asked when she opened the door.