Conflicted

by Lisa Suzanne

“Where the hell am I?”

  “My house.” His grin widened. “Construction finally wrapped a couple of weeks ago, but I haven’t had time to furnish the guest room.” I appreciated the explanation as to why I woke up beside Mr. Benson himself.

  “Or purchase blinds, apparently,” I said. My eyes adjusted to the brightness, and I couldn’t help my stare as my gaze fell to the window. Water rolled tranquilly in and out of the shoreline just steps away from Cole’s bedroom window.

  He chuckled. “Actually, I purchased them. I’m just waiting on delivery. But I was tired of hotel living, and frankly, window coverings don’t bother me.”

  Anyone on the beach would be able to look in the window and see what was going on if the lighting was right. I had to wonder how many women he’d brought back to this very bed since he’d moved in. It was a bachelor pad to be sure, and he could easily score with whoever he wanted to.

  Me included—but I wasn’t about to admit that to the devil himself.

  “Can I get you some coffee?” he asked.

  I nodded. “That’d be great.”

  He flipped the blanket off and stood from the bed. My mouth watered as I gazed at his naked back down to his boxer-clad ass as he stretched.

  My God, he was a fine specimen of a man. His shoulder blades appeared to shimmer in the morning light as I watched each beautiful and smooth muscle flex.

  He turned back toward me, opening his mouth as if he was going to speak. But then he caught me totally checking him out with my mouth dropped open. I just hoped to God that I wasn’t drooling. He chuckled, closed his mouth, and left the room.

  I pulled the sheet up over my face in total embarrassment.

  I’d get over it. The man had once screwed me in a ladies’ room, for crying out loud.

  But it was still embarrassing.

  It was hard to believe that all of this could be mine if I would just open myself to the possibility.

  I headed into his bathroom and found his toothpaste. I finger brushed my teeth, swished some mouthwash, and ran some cold water over my face. It would have to do. I peeked into Cole’s shower and saw a bottle of his shower gel. I picked it up, opened it, and inhaled deeply.

  God, I’d missed him.

  A flood of memories overwhelmed me. We’d had a lot of good times together. We’d built an emotional bond. We’d started to fall for each other.

  Why was I fighting this?

  A mental image of blonde Heidi straddling Cole in his desk chair flashed through my mind, and I suddenly remembered why.

  He hadn’t cheated on me, exactly, and he’d explained himself. Was I harping on the past too much? Wasn’t what I had done just as bad?

  Why couldn’t we just start from scratch?

  We couldn’t put the past totally behind us. It would always be a part of our story, but the past could remain where it belonged as we started to look toward a future together.

  I knew the thought of him with Heidi wouldn’t always dominate my mental images. It would take time to erase it from my mind, but considering our circumstances, what he’d done was ultimately a forgivable offense.

  I supposed I’d just have to replace the images of Heidi on top of him with images of me on top of him.

  Or him on top of me.

  Or him behind me.

  Or his face between my legs.

  I finally emerged from the restroom and found Cole sitting at his kitchen table, his eyes concentrating on his phone and his brow furrowed. Two cups of coffee sat in front of him along with a variety of sweeteners and cream.

  It was sure a change of pace to see Cole getting me a cup of coffee.

  “Can we talk?” I asked softly.

  He set his phone down immediately and looked up at me. I appreciated his undivided attention.

  My gaze shifted to the packets of sugar and Splenda on the table. “Did you steal those from a restaurant?”

  He chuckled. “I’ll never tell. I realized I don’t know how you take your coffee, so I put out everything.”

  “I actually like it black.”

  “Huh. Wouldn’t have guessed that.”

  I sat and took a sip from the steaming mug. “Tastes good.”

  “I assume you didn’t want to chat about coffee this morning. But before we get to that, how are you feeling?”

  I held up my wrist. “I’ll live.”

  “Your meds are on the counter. Want me to get you some?”

  I shook my head. They had made me so sleepy the night before, and I needed to keep my wits about me for this conversation.

  I drew in a deep breath for strength, suddenly nervous. I knew he wanted to be with me, so this shouldn’t have been a difficult conversation.

  “I thought a lot about what you said yesterday, about not giving up without a fight. I’m terrified, Cole. I’m terrified of you and what you could do to my heart. It already broke once the first time I left, and it’s just now starting to heal. It’s fragile, and getting involved with you again could shatter it beyond repair.”

  “I won’t let that happen.”

  I pursed my lips. “I know you, Mr. Benson. You run hot and cold. You’re moody as fuck and you don’t give a shit what other people think about it.”

  He tapped his fingers on the side of his coffee mug. “You only know me as your boss. We’ve never given a relationship a try.”

  “You admitted that you don’t do relationships,” I fired back.

  “Doesn’t that tell you something, then? That I’m willing to try with you?”

  “Why didn’t you want to try with Heidi?”

  He sighed as he looked out the window. I could tell I’d pressed a button, but this would never work if we didn’t get it all out on the table.

  He searched for the right words, and finally his eyes landed back on mine. He shrugged and shot me a sad smile. “Because she isn’t you. You care for me in a way I’ve never had before. You’re someone who my mom would’ve been proud to see me with.”

  “Would’ve?” I asked, flattered at his words but focused on the one word that stuck out more than the others.

  His eyes clouded and he shifted his gaze down to the table. “She passed away last month.”

  “Oh my God, Cole.” I rose from my chair and moved toward him. “I’m so, so sorry.” I knelt in front of him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

  He shifted and pulled me onto his lap. He cradled me like a child, my arms around his neck and my cheek against his racing heart. “What happened?” I asked.

  “Cancer. It was fast.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m handling it.”

  “How’s your dad?”

  “About as good as can be expected. He’s having a rough time, but it helps that I’m so close. I see him nearly every day.”

  “I want to go with you today.”

  “He’d love that.”

  I wrapped my arms around him a little tighter. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when it happened.”

  “You couldn’t have known. We’d been apart for months, and even if we hadn’t been, we weren’t in a relationship.”

  “I know, but still…”

  “Look,” he said, pulling back to look me in the eye, “the only thing I can do is use it as a learning experience. My mom was the nicest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever known. She taught me that every day is a gift, and nothing proved that more than when she was with me one day and gone the next.”

  He paused, and I let those words sink in. “The moment I saw you at that bar, it all came rushing back. I didn’t expect to see you at Lincoln’s office, but when I did, I realized what a hole you’d left in my life when you’d gone. Not just at work, but personally. I haven’t been the same. Each day just blurs into the next. I feel like I’m living my life but not really experiencing it, you know? And that’s no way to live. But seeing you again…seeing you was my answer. You’re my answer.”

  “Then let’s live again.”

  He raised
his eyebrows in surprise. “You…you would do that? With me?”

  “I’d like to try. I’d like to at least go on a date and see where it goes.”

  “Go on a date? I was more thinking along the lines of you moving in here with me and taking your old job back.”

  “Whoa whoa whoa,” I said, holding up my hands. “Just hold your horses. We need to take things slowly.”

  He laughed, and I stood, backing away from him slowly. He hopped out of his chair and charged toward me. I kept backing up, and he kept moving right along with me.

  And then I was out of room, up against a wall with nowhere to go. He pinned me there with his hips.

  “I really want to make love to you,” he said, his lips finding that one spot on my neck that drove me wild with lust for him.

  I set my hands on his chest, but I didn’t push him away. “And one day, you will. But first, you need to take me on a date. You need to prove that you’re ready to commit to just one woman.”

  “You want proof?” he growled.

  I nodded, and his lips trailed up to mine. He kissed me softly, lingering with his mouth closed over mine for a moment.

  “Here’s your proof, Ms. Vance.” I smiled at his use of my maiden name. “I haven’t been with anyone since the night you walked in on Heidi and me.”

  This time I did push him away. “Shut up.”

  “I swear. I’m done with meaningless relationships. I’m done with the late night booty calls and one night stands. I decided the next time I’m with a woman, it will be with somebody I love. There’s only one woman I’ve ever fallen for in my entire life, and she’s standing right in front of me. I love you, Lucy. I’ve loved you for a long time, and now we can actually give this a real try.”

  “I love you, too, Cole.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I’d been debating my true feelings for too long. In the moment, the words slipped out unplanned.

  It was from the heart rather than from my dumb, overthinking brain, and that was how I knew it was true.

  His eyes lit up with shock, and then his mouth crashed down to mine.

  Everything turned right in the world as his lips worked against mine and his tongue battered my mouth. One of his arms snaked around my waist to haul me as close as possible to him while his other hand gripped my hair. He was somehow brutal and gentle and rough and tender all at once, and the shards of my shattered heart started to piece back into place once again.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  “Mr. Benson, your three o’clock is here.”

  I smirked at Julian.

  “Send her in.”

  Cole laughed as I walked into his office. “You don’t have to make an appointment, you know.”

  “I know, but I shouldn’t get special treatment just because I’m your girlfriend.”

  He pressed his lips softly to mine, and I pulled back. “Excuse me, sir, but this isn’t a personal call. I actually have a few questions about the Hinkley account for my four o’clock meeting.”

  His hand found the back of my head. “It can wait.” He pressed his lips to mine again, but this time there was nothing soft about it.

  I allowed myself an unrestrained moment. I wrapped one arm around him—the other was holding my iPad—and let my fingers wander down to his firm ass. I squeezed hard, and he whimpered.

  I giggled. “I’ll give you more of that later, but for real, I need your help.”

  He sighed, kissed me once more, and returned to his desk. I sat across from him in the seat I’d occupied so many times, but this time I sat there as a project manager instead of as an assistant.

  It was hard to believe that just two months earlier, I’d been shacking up with my sister while I tried to “find” myself. Turns out someone else had been holding onto the biggest piece of who I was, and I wasn’t complete until my heart clicked back into place with Cole’s.

  Everything had happened so fast. One day Cole had proposed a new position for me at Benson Industries, along with a raise and a standing offer to move in with him, and the next day it was a done deal.

  It was next to impossible to find a good apartment at a fair price close to the office, and I’d been staying with Cole anyway.

  He’d gone with me to look at several apartments, but compared to his gorgeous beach house, nothing fit. Waking up in Cole’s arms morning after morning and taking long walks on the beach evening after evening had spoiled me. Not a single dumpy apartment could compare, and so eventually I stopped looking.

  I still assisted Cole from time to time, but typically only for dinner meetings or out of town engagements. He had a new assistant now, Julian, and since Julian was a man who preferred the company of other men, I had little room for concern that Cole would hook up with his new assistant.

  I trusted him completely, anyway. He’d more than proven to me that I was the only woman in his life who mattered. He was a changed man in many ways. He was still the Cole I loved, but he had a new lease on life. He lived every day like it could be his last, and he never wasted an opportunity to show me what I meant to him.

  “Is that all?” he asked once I’d finished all my questions, and I nodded. He glanced at the clock. “You’ve got thirty minutes until your meeting.”

  “Then you’ve got about fifteen to pleasure me.”

  He started unbuckling his belt. “Come here,” he commanded, always the boss in charge. I did as requested and stopped in front of him. “I know you said fifteen, but I may need twenty.”

  With that, his hand trailed up my skirt. He found what he was looking for, and I let out a moan when he pushed my panties aside and inserted one of those deliciously long fingers. He let out a low growl. “Jesus, Lucy. You’re soaked.” He pulled out his finger and I frowned.

  “I’m always wet for you, Cole. You should know that by now.”

  He grinned up at me and then focused on unbuttoning his pants. He stroked himself a few times, and the sight of the attractive and nearly unattainable CEO of Benson Industries stroking himself in his desk chair was a beautiful sight.

  “Get on,” he said.

  Even though we’d been together hundreds of times in this very office in the two months since we’d officially gotten back together, we hadn’t had sex in his desk chair. It had brought back too many memories of the time we’d been apart.

  But it was time to replace those sad memories with some new memories of our own.

  “Just to be clear, has this chair been disinfected since—”

  He cut me off with a whine. “Aw shit, woman. Do you have to bring that up now?”

  “I’m just saying.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Yes, it has. And for both of our sakes and the sake of this,” he motioned toward his steel erection, “I’m not going to let that question ruin the moment. Now get on because we’re wasting time.”

  All I could do was laugh. He was right, of course. I’d never tell him that, but he was always right.

  I straddled him, and he wasted no time before he thrust up into me. I braced myself on his shoulders.

  The feel of our bodies connecting was different now than it had been before.

  I’d been so worried that the reason the sex was so good between us was because it had been forbidden, but now that we were free to be together, I found that wasn’t the case at all. The sex seemed to get inexplicably better and better each time as my love for Cole grew deeper and deeper.

  I glanced at his handsome face. His eyes were closed and his lips were twisted in pleasure as he pumped up into me. His eyes opened, and his lips turned up at the corners in a sexy, secret smile reserved just for me.

  “God, I love you,” he said, and those words with all their sincerity and passion from those plush lips were my undoing as I fell into a frenzied release.

  When my body stopped tightening over and over around him, he pushed up hard into me a few more times before letting go himself.

  As we clung to each other in our post-orgasmic bliss, I whi
spered into his chest, “I love you, too.”

  I worried I’d always wonder if the cost of hurting one man was worth the happiness I had now. Did I deserve Cole after what we’d done?

  I wasn’t sure if I’d ever know the answer to that, but I looked forward to the road ahead.

  THE END

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  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  First and foremost, thank you to my husband. Thank you for your unending support and your belief in me. Thank you for reading contemporary romance books when I know they aren’t your preferred genre. Thank you for talking plot and characters with me and for offering advice and guidance. Thank you for being an amazing daddy to sweet Mason. Thank you for working hard so I can write and stay home to be a mom. Thank you for believing me when I say I’m making up all the details about the emotions involved in cheating and divorce. I couldn’t do this without you.

  Thank you to my beta readers: Matt, Susan, Cathy, Pauline, Jen, Anna, Wendy, Kelly, Diane, Johnnie-Marie, and Nikki. I appreciate the time you took to read my book and give me honest and critical feedback. And of course, thank you to Lisa Suzanne’s Darlings for being an awesome group of readers. If you would like to join my Facebook reader group, click here: Lisa Suzanne’s Darlings. And a special thank you to Anna Nicole Ureta for suggesting Conflicted as the title for this book!

  In addition to all of the amazing blogs who tirelessly review and promote my books, I also have to give a huge thanks to Give Me Books for running the Release Day Blitz and to The Hype PR for handling the cover reveal. Thank you also to Amy from Q Design for the gorgeous cover.

  Finally, thank YOU for reading this book! There are so many things to do in the few hours that each day offers, and I’m honored that you took time out of your day to spend it with my characters. I’d love if you left a review on Amazon.