Don't Be Afraid

by C. A. Harms

“I don’t think I have to tell you that today I feel a little weaker than I did yesterday. I also know I don’t have to tell you that tomorrow I’ll feel even worse. I can either accept this thing and live with it for as long as I can, or I can let it drown me. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend every day talking about what tomorrow may bring. I want to live in the now.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “I told you from the beginning that I refused to let this illness to consume my mind, because it has already consumed my body.”

  Patrick stood from the table, bracing his hands on the edge. “Can we stop living in the dreaded future and start living in the present? Please, Sawyer, the last thing I want is to waste the time I have left with you on shit like this.”

  He didn’t even wait for me to answer before he pushed off the table and turned to leave the room. I stood there watching him go and feeling blindsided, though I’d caused it all myself.

  “I get it.” Gage’s husky voice penetrated the silence, making my heart jump in surprise, and I met his stare. “How needing to know feels almost more important than taking your next breath. If I was in that position, the unknown would be torture.”

  I nodded, because it was exactly that.

  “But after going with him to the doctor, hearing the fear from his side, I can see it differently now.” I looked down at his hands, which were fisted together before him on the tabletop. “He’s faced that he may not have a tomorrow, so living for today is his form of acceptance. You want my honest opinion?”

  Again I nodded.

  “Give him that. Let him see you laugh, and save your tears, Sawyer. Hell, give them to me if that’ll help. But live every moment with him for the memories they’ll provide you later. I don’t know about you, but if I had the chance to make memories that would last me a lifetime, I’d want the happy ones and not those that would make me regret wasting valuable time on arguments.”

  I had to admit his words made sense.

  “I’m gonna head out.” Gage stood and moved toward me, where he placed his hand on my forearm. “If you need anything, either of you, please don’t hesitate to call.”

  He leaned forward, and before I had time to register what he was doing, he placed a kiss to my forehead. “He needs us to be strong for him.”

  Without any further hesitation he stepped back and headed out the back door just off the kitchen.

  I don’t know how long I stood there letting his words roll around in my mind. I felt as if I was in a trance, trapped between what I wanted to do versus what I needed to do.

  “Did he leave?” My body jerked in surprise as Patrick stepped into the kitchen. I nodded as he moved closer and paused with only a few feet between us. “I’m sorry,” His words hit me hard, and I moved forward and wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight.

  “No,” I said, my voice shaky and strained. “I’m sorry. It’s just hard to face that there’s nothing I can do.”

  “I know,” he confessed as he held me tighter. “Believe me, sweetheart, I know.”

  It wasn’t an easy choice, but I decided to give him what he needed most. I’d give him my laughter and days of happiness. I’d save the heartache for my moments alone, when I could blame them on a sappy movie, or when I found myself alone and with plenty of time to hide the evidence of my tears before he’d notice.

  I’d fill every moment we were gifted with another memory I could treasure.

  Chapter 10

  Patrick

  “Does she know you’re doing this?” Gage held the two-by-four up while I used the nail gun to secure it.

  “She will,” I said with a chuckle as I anchored it to the wall with one last nail. “I always told her I was gonna make this room into the most gorgeous nursery. The thing about Sawyer….” I paused for a moment, because damn, even after all this time together, she still made my heart race when I thought of her. “She dreams big, Gage. She hides behind her fear now, but after we bought this place, she used to look through those magazines that had decoration shit. She’d circle things, and a few times I caught her cutting pictures out of them and putting them in this little container above the sink.”

  Gage grabbed for the second board and put it against the wall so I could drive the nails through it too. Holding the weight of the boards in place as I secured them wasn’t as easy now as it once was.

  “I want her to have that nursery,” I confessed, feeling determined. “I want to know that she’ll have that dream. That she’ll be able to sit here in this little nook and read to our child while looking out over our backyard.” I pointed toward the window. “It was that view that made us buy this place to begin with. I like to think that even though I won’t be here, if the two of them can sit in this spot, they’ll still feel like I am.”

  “They will,” he assured me with a nod. “After we’re done, this place will look like it belongs in one of those home magazines.”

  I’d never really been the kind of man who shares his heavy feelings with another man, or anyone for that matter. Whenever I got together with the boys, we’d always just hassle each other and rib each other, choosing to ignore what was truly on our minds. We left the feeling shit for the women. But lately I’d become that guy who says what he feels when he feels it because I may not have tomorrow.

  “I know I’ve been asking a lot of you, Gage, but….” I took a deep breath, then looked up to meet his stare.

  “I’ve told you that no matter what it is, I got you.”

  I knew he did, but I also knew he had his own shit to deal with, yet here he was with me. “If something happens and I don’t get to finish this—”

  “You will.” He gave me a determined look, showing me that he believed this in his heart.

  “But just in case, will you promise me that you’ll do whatever it takes to get it done for her?”

  “You have my word.”

  If I knew one thing, it was that Gage’s word was his honor. The man was the most honest guy I knew. His heart was so full of love and dedication that I found myself wondering every day how Honor landed him. Yeah, she was fun to look at, and when you’re young I guess things like that are appealing. I just always knew she wasn’t a lifer. She was selfish and demanding.

  “How’re things going at home?” When he hung his head, I regretted bringing it up, until his shoulders shook with humor. “That good, huh?”

  “She’s insane.” He finally looked up at me. I only arched my brow, wondering if he truly thought I would argue. I knew she was certifiable, though. “If you even think about saying, ‘I told you so,’ we’re gonna have ourselves a few rounds right here, right now.”

  I held up my hands and chuckled. “No need for me to tell you something you already know.” I leaned back against the doorframe and crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for him to continue.

  “Last night I woke up to her standing over me, holding a basket of clothes. Before I could ask what the hell she was doing, she tipped the damn thing over on me, spouting off something about washing my own smelly laundry.” I listened on, even though my chest shook with laughter. “What the bitch didn’t know was that those clothes were already fucking clean.”

  “You still sleeping in the basement?”

  “Yeah, and I can’t remember ever sleeping so soundly.” His expression was as deadpan as his tone. “I don’t know what the hell I was thinking all those years ago. I think I even knew then that Honor wasn’t the marrying type. She doesn’t give a shit about anything but herself. Heartless, spoiled woman.”

  “But you love her?” Yes, I had to ask, because for as long as I could remember, Gage and Honor had seemed like two separate entities and not a unit.

  “I think at one time I did, or maybe it was more lust then. Who knows?” He paused a moment, as if thinking over some deep thought. “When I wake up and start my day, I should be happy to know she’s my wife. I should want to run to her when something great happens or lean on her when I just need someone to listen, but I d
on’t. It takes everything I have to force myself to go home at night. I think the only reason I do is because I don’t trust that she wouldn’t toss my shit out on the street.”

  “You know you can stay here.” I’d offered before and so had Sawyer, yet he always declined.

  “Though I appreciate it, I just need to find an apartment or something small.”

  “So it’s happening?”

  He looked over at me. “If by it you mean divorce, then yeah, it’s happening. I already talked to my attorney, Pete, and got things moving. I just need to move out before they serve the papers because I wouldn’t put it past her to slit my throat in the middle of the night.”

  “Don’t you think she’ll see it coming?”

  “No,” he said with a chuckle. “The woman actually thinks she has me over a barrel. She told Stacia that before long she’ll have me whipped into the man she needs.”

  “What the fuck?”

  “Yeah, Stacia went home and told Mark, then that ass came into the station with a bag of rawhides last week.” I tried to hold back the fact I found that to be funny as hell, but I couldn’t. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. But now every other firefighter at the station calls out to me and whistles to me like I’m a dog. The chief even brought in a bowl and set it on the floor in the common room. Assholes are loving it a little too much if you ask me.”

  I laughed even harder as I slumped back against the wall, leaning over to clench my stomach with one hand.

  It felt damn good to laugh, even though it was at the expense of my buddy, but I knew he didn’t mind. Because seeing me laugh like this was rare these days.

  “Go right ahead.” I looked up, tears pooling in my eyes as he shook his head, attempting to hide his own smile, but it was too late. I’d seen it.

  “I could get you a cozy fleece bed,” I said as I straightened up. “Set it out right in front of the fire. I hear dogs love that kinda shit.”

  “Eat it up, you dick.” He turned back to focus on the task at hand. “I’m gonna have all my calls from her forwarded straight to your phone.”

  “That woman doesn’t scare me.” I waved him off as I moved in with the nail gun. “Now Sawyer, on the other hand, she scares me when she gets angry.”

  “Sawyer’s too sweet to be mean.”

  I paused with the gun pressed to the board overhead and gave him a direct stare. “Believe me when I say she has a mean streak in her. I’ve just learned to avoid it.”

  He still didn’t look convinced, but it was true. Sawyer was a sweetheart, but she could bring the ring of fire too. Though I always wanna laugh when she’s pissed because she’s too damn cute, I learned the hard way not to.

  Chapter 11

  Sawyer

  “Are you both ready?”

  Patrick squeezed my hand firmly in his, and a big smile spread over his face. “So ready,” he said with a gleam in his eyes.

  I turned back to face the doctor and nodded, and she grabbed the tube of gel.

  “You know the drill,” she said as she tipped it upside down and the warm liquid pooled on my abdomen.

  Pure excitement hit me, the kind that was so uncontrollable it made me feel like flying. I watched her closely, shaking with anticipation. In my mind, I was screaming, “Please hurry,” because it felt like she was moving in slow motion.

  Closing my eyes tight just as she pressed the transducer against me, I heard the swooshing sound fill the silence. Patrick’s grip tightened on my hand.

  “We have a hand.” I opened my eyes as the doctor moved the wand over me, doing her best to capture everything she could. “A shoulder, and here we have—” Our baby shifted. “—a leg.”

  I looked at Patrick to find his gaze practically glued to the monitor. I could simply watch him watching the screen and get the most out of this experience we were sharing.

  “We’ve got us a stubborn one,” Dr. Haynes added with a laugh.

  “Just like Momma,” Pat said with a smirk, making the doctor laugh, but he still didn’t look away.

  “But if I can move ‘em just a little, we might be able to see the sex.”

  My heart rate sped as I squinted at the screen. I think I may have even held my breath, hoping she could see what she needed to.

  “We do want to know, right?” she asked.

  “Yes,” Patrick answered so quickly that Dr. Haynes beamed again.

  “Whose’ guess is what?”

  “Girl.” Again Patrick didn’t even pause.

  “Boy,” I said, nudging him with our joined hands, and he looked away from the screen just long enough to toss me a wink before focusing once again on our child.

  “Well, it looks like….” She paused just to torment us, I think. And it was working because his grip tightened again almost to the point of hurting, and I wiggled my head, getting him to let up. “Daddy is right.”

  “It’s a girl,” Patrick whispered as he let go of my hand and stood.

  “Sure is,” Dr. Haynes confirmed and Patrick let out a little laugh. I wasn’t even sure if he realized he’d done it.

  Then he looked at me, tears pooling in his eyes and leaned forward, taking my face in his hands. “I told you we were having a girl.”

  I laughed. Normally that cocky, I-am-the-king attitude would’ve triggered a round of banter between us, but I let him have this moment. His lips pressed against mine and a little chuckle escaped him. “I’m rarely wrong, babe. You should know this by now.”

  We left the doctor’s office feeling high on life. For now, the fact we were having a daughter overruled thoughts of what we were facing. The smiles on our faces were so bright and deep that I felt nothing could bring us down at the moment.

  Patrick spun around and stepped in front of me, hooking my waist and pulling me close. “Let’s do something we haven’t done in a long time.”

  “What? Get frisky in the cab of your truck?” I wagged my brows suggestively and he chuckled as if he didn’t have a worry in the world. That alone gave me such a rush of joy it brought tears to my eyes. “I’m just saying”—I shrugged—”we haven’t done that in a while.”

  “No, we have not,” he agreed, leaning in to press a kiss to my lips. “In fact, I think that is a great idea, only not in the parking lot of your obstetrician’s office.”

  “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

  “Oh I’m adventurous,” he said while cupping my ass and moving me toward his truck only a few feet away. “Are you taunting me?”

  I tried to answer him, but couldn’t at the moment. With his current assault on my neck, and the way he was pushing his growing erection against me, I lost my train of thought.

  “Maybe I should remind you that I don’t normally back down from a dare.” My back bumped against the cool metal of his truck and he pushed his body against mine a little harder. “If you’re not scared of the consequences of being caught, then neither am I.”

  The sound of a car door shutting only a few feet away didn’t faze him, yet it reminded me that we were, in fact, in a parking lot. Then the reality of what I’d started hit me and I laughed.

  “I can see the headlines now.” I allowed my head to rest back against the door of his truck. “‘Couple caught with their pants down in local obstetrician’s parking lot.’”

  “I don’t have to pull mine down, though. At least not all the way.”

  “Maybe we should save the public sex for another day?”

  He arched a brow but kept me in place with his body. “Now where is your sense of adventure?”

  I loved the gleam in his eyes. We’d both forgotten that fun-loving playfulness lately. That would be one of the things I’d miss the most after he was gone. Things had always been so easy for Patrick and me. We’d had hard times, but there was always that intense bond between us, one that only the greatest of friends turned lovers could share. He could make me smile even when it was last thing I wanted. It was like he could dig deep through all the heaviness inside me and find that ember of h
eat and reignite the fire within me.

  “You’re my adventure.” I cupped his face in my hands and looked at him with all the intensity I felt. “Our life, our journey, it’s all my adventure.”

  I could see the impact my words had on him in the shining gleam of unshed tears in his eyes and the way he pressed his lips tightly together.

  Though some would think that was just some cheesy line, it held such depth to us. Every single struggle we’d faced, every obstacle we’d been forced to overcome was all part our fate. I knew then that I’d been given the gift of this man to show me that I was, in fact, strong.

  I’d spent my life prior to meeting Patrick feeling as if I had no great purpose. I struggled to find my way, but then by chance I crossed paths with this man and he showed me such a great love—a love I was sure I would never find again but was blessed to have now, if only for a short time more.

  I would teach our child that love. That was my purpose. I had to believe that. That I was here to instill that same love in our daughter; our little girl who was created through such a powerful connection that even our impending doom couldn’t penetrate it.

  “As you are mine,” he whispered just before kissing me once more, and in that single kiss I felt everything he couldn’t say. It brought me a strange sense of peace, because I knew that even if we didn’t have tomorrow, this moment would forever be etched in my mind.

  It was ours.

  Chapter 12

  Patrick

  This little getaway we’d planned would be good for us. It would give us some time to enjoy one another without everything we’d been forced to face weighing us down. I could see the excitement in Sawyer’s eyes when we pulled up to the front doors of The Jack Warner Retreat. Her face lit up when the young woman behind the counter mentioned the honeymoon suite as she passed us the key card.

  I wanted her to remember this trip. It would most likely be our last one together, and though the idea of that was fucking painful, I didn’t let it take away from my joy at having this time away. I didn’t let the headaches and nausea I’d had for the last couple days take away from it, either.