by C. A. Harms
This was our time and we would enjoy it no matter what.
I stepped into the room after her and lowered the bag to the floor as she looked around in awe.
“Do we really need all this space?” she asked, still smiling.
I wrapped my arms around her middle and rested my hands over the bump that held our child. “I want this to be perfect.”
She leaned back against me, arching her neck just enough to press a kiss to my jawline. “Being here with you already makes it perfect.”
Closing my eyes, I just held her close for a few moments. Over the last few days, I’d felt my body slowly losing strength and exhaustion creeping in, along with the terror. The idea that my life and my time with those I love was coming to an end was overpowering. I knew that this would haunt her too. I also knew I had to hold it together for her.
But the fear of being without her was still there. At times it was so fucking powerful, I felt like I was drowning in it.
I was not a man of faith, but these days I wished I was. I found myself praying so often that I felt guilty for reaching out only when I was so afraid. I wanted to know I’d see her again after I was gone. I wanted to believe I’d get the chance to hold her and feel her love again. The idea that when I was gone, I was gone forever was terrifying. Sawyer had been part of me since the day we met. Like the missing piece I hadn’t known was missing until I stumbled upon it.
I was pulled from my thoughts when her body turned within my hold. Resting her palms against my chest, she looked up at me with the sweetest smile. “So what would you like to do first, Mr. Cooper?”
I didn’t miss the way she bit her lower lip as she tried to hide her smile. She slid her hands to my shoulders so she could step closer and press her tits firmly to my chest. “We could take a walk,” she said with a sweep of her tongue over her lip. “Or we could go down and have an early lunch.”
“Lunch sounds good,” I replied, taking a step toward the center of the room, moving her body with my own. “But only after we mess up the sheets over there.”
“That sounds perfect.” She hooked the back of my neck and pulled me in closer. “Better than perfect.”
Our lips connected in a slow, tantalizing kiss.
Words faded as the hunger that was always present between us took over as our hands began to speak for us, showing one another just how much we craved each other’s touch.
Carefully and very lovingly I lowered her to the bed and crawled in after her, bringing my body to hers once more. So much emotion ran through me as she looked up at me with that you-are-my-hero expression. Fuck, it used to make me feel so powerful. Now it just made me feel like I was failing her. I’d made a promise to protect her forever, and now that ability was being forcefully taken from me.
If I spoke now, I knew I’d break. The ache was so real, I felt like I had hot coals buried deep in my chest. Sawyer was the one person for me, and even though I wouldn’t be able to grow old with her as I’d planned, I’d at least been given the chance to experience what a love like ours felt like.
“Do you think we should grab dinner?” Sawyer’s voice was muffled against my chest. I held her to me, tighter than I probably should, but I didn’t want to let her go. “We missed lunch,” she added with a giggle.
“Are you complaining?”
“Absolutely not. But I’m pregnant and that means food is a bit necessary now.”
“Yeah,” I said as I slowly and begrudgingly released my hold on her. “I guess I should feed you, huh?”
“Food, and maybe a little walk to bring some life back to my legs.” I arched a brow because a man loved to hear that after spending the last few hours holding his wife hostage in bed. “You liked that a little too much. I can see the pride rolling off you in waves.”
“Information like that is good for a man’s ego.”
I moved in for a kiss and she gripped my face. “You and I both know that if I allow you to kiss me, we’ll most likely be missing dinner too.”
I leaned toward her a little more just to taunt her and she turned her face away from me and laughed into her pillow. “Okay, food and then a walk,” I assured her, loving the sound of her laughter. “Then it’s back here for a shower, and then we climb back into this bed and go to sleep.”
“Deal,” she said, though I could tell she didn’t trust that I was being truthful.
“Breakfast in bed tomorrow,” I added, gaining an even bigger smile. “Let’s move, woman. Are you trying to starve me or what?”
I hurried out of bed, smiling as her laughter filled the room. Exhaustion made me move a little slower than I wanted, but I did my best to hide it.
Chapter 13
Sawyer
I sat on the private deck just off the back of our suite, wrapped in a fleece blanket as I waited for sunrise. The last few days had been amazing. We spent our days dining and exploring the trails near the lodge that gave us a clearer picture of the land surrounding it, and our afternoons making love before falling asleep in one another’s arms.
But I could tell Patrick was hiding his fatigue, and God, it worried me. He needed sleep and quiet instead of running around all day. I felt like he was doing this for me, and of course that only made me feel even guiltier. But instead of telling him this trip hadn’t been the best idea, I pretended I didn’t see the circles under his eyes growing darker or how he struggled to get out of bed. He needed me to live in the moment; he was desperate for me to.
Yet when he was asleep and I could let myself feel, I faced the fact that our time was running short. I was watching the man I love fade before me while pretending everything was okay, and I was slowly falling apart.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I lifted my phone to my ear and closed my eyes as it rang.
“Sawyer?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“Is everything okay?” I heard the fear in Gage’s question.
“Yes. He’s sleeping,” I assured him.
Silence settled over us and I regretted calling him.
“What is it?”
“Do you remember that night in the kitchen,” I went on, “when you said I should only let him see me laugh and to save the tears?”
Gage took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yeah, Sawyer, I remember.”
“Do you remember what else you said?”
“I told you to give them to me if it helps.”
The moment he told me what I needed to hear, I began to cry quiet tears, yet I knew he could sense them.
“I wasn’t lying when I said I was here, not just for him but for you too,” Gage said, and I covered my mouth to muffle my sobs. “You see it, too, don’t you?
“The way he’s fading before us? Yes.”
“It’s hard to watch,” I confessed in a whisper.
“Harder than anything I’ve ever been forced to go through.” I nodded as if Gage could see it. “I sometimes find myself imagining what life will be like without him. What I’ll do without having him here to push me. Life and its meaning just seems pointless sometimes without him, you know?”
“I do.” I’d had those same thoughts often.
“But then I remember something he told me while we were working on that damned fence.” Gage paused, as if making sure I was paying full attention. “He said that he may have only had a short time here, but in that time he feels like he’s been gifted with more than enough. Like he was the luckiest guy in the world for being granted the little time he had with the greatest of people.” The fact Gage was now crying broke me even more. “He told me to live, Sawyer. He told me to stop sitting around waiting for something great and just go find it.”
“That’s good advice.” Gage had a bad habit of settling for the mediocre as long as those around him were happy.
“Yeah,” he said, and I sensed him smiling. “That husband of yours is pretty great.”
“Yes, he is. The greatest.” I took a deep breath, doing my best to calm myself. “Thanks, Gage,
” I whispered, looking out over the trees as the sun peeked through the branches. “Thanks for being there when I needed to break.”
“Anytime,” he whispered. “I should thank you too.”
We sat there in silence as the sounds of our breathing calmed us and reminded us that we weren’t going through this alone.
“Sawyer? Is that you, babe?”“
I turned at the sound of his raspy voice. I’d just come inside after taking some time to pull myself together. The drapes were still shut, keeping the room dark. I wanted him to rest for as long as he could. “Yeah,” I whispered as I moved toward the bed. “Did I wake you?”
“No,” he assured me as I sat beside him on the edge of the bed. “What woke me was your absence.” He cupped my thigh as if to hold me securely in place. “It’s almost like my body knows when you aren’t near.”
“I know how that feels,” I confessed, feeling that heavy weight on my chest once again. “The only time I feel completely whole and at ease is when you’re near.”
His eyes closed for a few seconds as though he was fighting off a sad thought, before he opened them again. He took a deep breath and flinched.
“Are you feeling okay?” I asked.
“I’m good.”
“You do realize just how well I know you, right?” Patrick gave me a puzzled look. “That with just one glance, I can sense when you’re lying. So spare me from having to drag it out of you and just be honest with me now.”
He stared back at me, like his silence would make me forget the question. When he realized I wouldn’t falter, he looked away. “Just feeling a little queasy, is all.”
“Queasiness doesn’t make you flinch in pain, Patrick.”
“Stubborn,” he mumbled, still looking at the foot of the bed.
“Yes, you are,” I said. “Where does it hurt?”
He didn’t answer and I did my best to hide my irritation, but with each passing second it pushed at me harder.
“Don’t ignore me, Pat.” He finally met my gaze. “I’ve done as you’ve asked and focused on us and not so much on what’s to come. But you can’t ask me to ignore the fact you’re in pain. That’s being unfair.”
Again I was met with silence.
“Where does it hurt?” I said slowly and directly.
His nostrils flared and he squinted in irritation.
“All over,” he confessed, as if the words pained him. “Is that what you want to hear? That when I breathe it hurts, when I stand it’s excruciating, and the simple act of making love to my wife takes everything I have inside of me?”
It was now my turn to fall silent.
“But I refuse to let this stop me from fucking living, Sawyer. I won’t let it win, not until I have to.”
Tears pricked my eyes and I did my best to hold them back.
“I love you. More than I could ever express.” He sat up and reached out for me. “I can’t tell you not to worry, because I know you will. Just trust me when I say that if it ever becomes too much, I’ll tell you. But for now, I can’t let go of my ability to live my life just yet.”
I nodded even though my heart was screaming for me to fight him on this. But I knew fighting wouldn’t accomplish anything.
“We have one more night here before we go back home,” he whispered as he cupped my cheek. “I want us to spend it happy.”
“Okay.” I leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips to hide the fear in my eyes. “But I’m exhausted, so I’d like nothing more than to curl up beside you and fall asleep in your arms.”
I was nowhere near tired, but he needed rest.
“Climb on in here,” he said just before lying back once more. “Place your head right here,” he directed with his hand over his heart, and that heaviness in my chest grew so strong I feel like I couldn’t breathe.
I buried my body beneath the covers and curled around his warmth. With my head rested just where he wanted it, I closed my eyes tight and willed the tears away. Doing my best to hide the emptiness consuming me, I concentrated on breathing evenly.
“Always loved you right like this,” he confessed. “Your body so close to mine it feels like we’re the same person.”
I took deep breaths as I thought of all the reasons life was so damn unfair.
“Love burying my face in your hair, just breathing you in.”
Those were the words most girls dreamed of hearing, and they made our love feel more solid and concrete. But hearing them now was like a slow form of torture, because they were tearing the small amount of control I had left to pieces.
“You were made just for me, Sawyer Cooper,” he whispered sleepily. “I truly believe that.”
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter as I curled into him closer.
“Forever my girl.”
Tears rolled along my cheeks as I did all I could to wipe them away before he noticed. I was thankful sleep had taken him over and he was oblivious to the shattering of my soul.
Chapter 14
I was twenty-six weeks along today, and Patrick loved being able to feel our little girl move around inside me. I’d wake up in the middle of the night to him holding my stomach and whispering to her.
Sometimes I would just lie there and pretend to be asleep just to listen to him. He’d talk of times in her life where she may need a father and then apologize for not being here to share them with her. He told our sweet little one she should always turn to Uncle Gage, because if her daddy couldn’t be here to protect her, there was no man he’d trust more to do it.
Those times were breath-stealing, and I was blessed to be a part of them. I’d be able to share these memories with my little girl when she was old enough to understand just how much her daddy loved her without even meeting her.
It was getting harder and harder to face each day. The possibility of Patrick being here to meet his daughter was beginning to look unlikely. He’d lost a lot of weight, and his strong arms, solid thighs, and overall muscle tone had begun to wilt. The man who had always seemed so strong and powerful had become weak and frail, and I was powerless to stop it.
He slept often, and I’d spend hours focusing on the rise and fall of his chest as if I needed to ensure he was still here with me. Morbid, maybe, but it was reassurance.
Since we’d returned home I watched him battle to accept that he could no longer do the things he’d been able to. It broke my heart to see him sitting back watching while his father and Gage worked on the nursery he was so adamant about completing. But his participation meant just as much to me because they were simply taking his vision for the room and making it a reality.
The hardest part was seeing his disappointment. I would never be able to get used to that defeated look on Patrick’s face. He’d always been so confident, so driven. It was hard to keep him down under any circumstance.
But nothing about where we were now made my love for him any weaker. It only made me love him more. I admired him for needing to stay strong though he was fighting a constant war. He was trying to protect me from the sadness even though he was the one faced with such defeat.
He was my hero. He always would be.
I woke to Patrick moaning in his sleep. With each move his agony became more obvious.
“Pat,” I whispered as I touched his shoulder. He jerked in surprise, his eyes wide as he looked around the room as if he didn’t know where he was. “Honey, are you hurting?” The moment the words left my lips, I knew they were ridiculous. Of course he was hurting; he was always hurting.
“Yeah,” he confessed. It was easier these days to get him to admit when he needed my help. At this point we were both past trying to protect the other. “Can you get my pills? Maybe a drink of water too?”
“I’ll be right back.”
I hurried to the kitchen and gathered his medication and a bottle of water before rushing back to our bedroom. Panic shot through me at the sight of the empty bed and I looked around the room.
“Patrick?”
Cou
ghing and gagging came from the hallway and I moved toward it with growing unease. The sounds came from the small bathroom at the end.
Stepping into the doorway, I found him hunched over the toilet, his shoulders rising and falling as if he was attempting to catch his breath after a long run.
“I can’t do this,” he confessed with sadness. “I’ve tried, Sawyer. God I’ve tried. I just can’t.”
I wasn’t sure if he was admitting defeat against tonight or life in general, but either possibility terrified me.
He turned his head just enough to look over at me and I swear my heart cracked when I saw his face glistening with fresh tears. “I’ve tried to fight through it, but the pain and exhaustion are becoming too much. I guess somehow I allowed myself to believe I was invincible. But, babe, I’m not. I need help.”
I moved forward and knelt beside him. “I’m here, right here. Just tell me what I can do.”
“You can’t do anything, sweetheart. It’s bigger than both of us.”
I stared at him in confusion, then his words slammed into me.
“Hospital?”
When he nodded and began to push up off the floor, my heart sank as panic filled me. I couldn’t do this alone.
My fear must have been written all over my face because I could see the moment he registered it. His expression softened the way it always did when he felt the need to console me, which I found ironic. In his suffering he reached out for me and helped me stand, ensuring I felt the comfort of his touch.
“This is not me saying it’s my time,” he said slowly and with conviction. “I just need some help dealing with the pain.”
I nodded, because frankly I couldn’t speak. I had that deep fiery feeling in my chest that made my throat feel as if it had fused shut. With one hand linked with mine, he led us toward the bedroom and sat at the edge of the bed. He patted the space next to him, indicating I should join him as he reached for his phone.