by C. A. Harms
I watched in silence as he dialed Gage’s number and lifted the phone to his ear. “Hey, brother.” There was a pause as Patrick’s gaze met mine. “Not feeling the greatest. Do you think you can come pick up me and Sawyer?”
Through the silence that followed, I heard Gage murmuring on the other end of the line.
“We’ll be ready.”
He ended the call and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I went willingly when he pulled me toward him.
“I’ve been researching names,” Patrick whispered so lightly I almost missed it. “Trying to come up with something that has meaning.”
I fisted his shirt, needing something to hold on to.
“Now, I know we’re not Jewish, but I’ve found a Hebrew name that has the meaning I’d hoped for.”
“What is it?” I would name our child almost anything if it held significance for him.
“Abigail,” he said as if in awe of it. “It means ‘father’s joy.’” I closed my eyes tight, allowing a shaking breath to slowly escape. “Though I may not be here for her—”
“Please don’t say that.”
“I need to.” I buried my face in his shirt as if that would drown out his words. “I may not be here, Sawyer, but I want her to know that even though I’m gone, she was her father’s joy. She’s a gift, not only for me, but for you. Because with her here, there will always be a little part of me with you too.”
I had no hope of keeping it together at this point. My God, I ached so terribly I felt like I was being ripped apart slowly.
“Abigail Reese Cooper,” he said, and I knew without a doubt he’d just named our daughter. Even if I’d hated it, the name would be hers. Reese was Patrick’s middle name and nothing would honor him more than giving her yet another part of her father. Knowing he’d spent the time to carefully choose the arrangement meant the world.
“I love it.” I meant it too. “She’ll know every day of her life just how much her daddy loved her.”
Patrick squeezed me just a little tighter and we waited in silence for Gage to arrive. The only sounds that could be heard were my sniffles as I tried my hardest to stay strong.
Chapter 15
I sat in the waiting room, staring at the large doors my husband was led through what felt like hours ago. I didn’t like being left in the dark and wanted to be at his side, but I knew I couldn’t get in the doctors’ way.
The moment I heard my name I practically leaped from the chair and rushed toward the young nurse. Her eyes widened in surprise as she took a step back. “Mrs. Cooper?”
“Yeah, that’s me,” I said, eager to get to Patrick.
“Dr. Sheppard arrived a few moments ago and he’s in with your husband now.”
“I’d like to see him.”
“Of course.” She gave me a reassuring smile. “I’ve been directed to take you to the family waiting area just outside his room. Once the doctor is finished examining him, we’ll take you to the room where he’ll go over everything.”
She looked to my left, and I followed her gaze.
Gage stood from his seat and shoved his hands deep in his pockets, looking almost as terrified as I felt. “He comes too,” I said. “He’s Patrick’s brother and he’d want him in the room as well.”
The nurse nodded, though I’m not sure she bought the brother excuse, but he was the closest thing to a brother Pat had. And Patrick would want him to hear what the doctor had to say so Gage could support us both.
Gage took a deep breath in and a slow release as if he was preparing himself for something he was dreading. We followed the nurse through those dreaded doors. The beeping of machines and the scurrying footsteps of doctors and nurses brought the reality of the situation front and center. I wasn’t sure what the doctor would say, but I had a feeling that everything would change after tonight, more than it already had.
We waited in an area much smaller than the last. I swear I could feel the walls closing in on me with each passing second.
“You keep wiggling that way, you’re gonna find yourself on the floor.” I looked to my left and saw Gage smiling at me. He tapped my knee with his finger and chuckled. “Little girl’s probably bouncing around in there wondering what the hell is going on.”
I snickered at the thought and was thankful for having him here to keep me sane. If I didn’t have Gage keeping me grounded, I would most likely be curled up in a ball sobbing uncontrollably with the fear of what was to come.
“Don’t worry, she’s paying me back by pushing on my bladder with fierce dedication.”
When his forehead crinkled up and his face scrunched, I laughed.
The same nurse from earlier reappeared in the doorway and we looked up at her as if she were our lifeline.
“You two can follow me.” She offered a supportive smile, and I wondered if that was part of their training. If they took a course on compassion and how to help families get through hardships. Granted, some nurses I’ve come across would have failed that course, but this one just had that sweetness about her.
“Thank you,” I offered as we followed her to Patrick’s room.
The moment I stepped inside, that familiar emptiness filled my chest. Seeing him in that hospital bed, looking as if he’d finally faced the fact he was weakening shattered me. I now realized why he’d wanted to keep me sheltered from it. My tears were so thick that my vision blurred.
“Hey, pretty girl.” His voice was weak, raspy, and groggy, as if he’d just woken up. “Come over her and give me one of those kisses I love so much.”
With each step I took toward him, I could feel myself falling apart, like pieces of me were being chiseled away to expose my bleeding heart. I wanted to ignore it and to forget that our time together was limited. I just wanted to pretend this was a nightmare and I would wake up to find him happy and healthy.
Only I knew that wasn’t going to happen. That was clearer now than ever.
“Dry those eyes,” he said as I reached the side of his bed. He linked our fingers, then pulled them to his lips. Seconds passed in silence. Then a long beep made me jump.
I looked around frantically as the nurse walked to the opposite side of the bed and began punching buttons on the machine next to it.
“You better slow that racing heart of yours.” She placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. I shifted my gaze back to meet his and found him smiling.
“Sorry,” he whispered, “but whenever my gorgeous wife is near, that sorta happens.”
The nurse smiled, the doctor shook his head, and Gage chuckled. My heart swelled, knowing that even while suffering, Patrick still needed to make those around him smile.
I leaned over and pressed my lips to his, giving him that kiss he’d asked for not that long ago. “You wipe that fear from your eyes,” he said with conviction when I was close enough that only I could hear. “I’m not going anywhere yet, you hear me?”
“Now that the two of you are here, I’d like to go over the care plan Patrick and I have agreed to.” I turned and Dr. Sheppard looked past me at my husband. “The pain medication I prescribed is no longer giving him the relief he needs. The cancer has progressed to the point that other forms of pain management need to be taken to offer him comfort.”
I swallowed past the massive lump in my throat.
“Let’s not forget the increase in his weight loss due to the vomiting and lack of appetite.”
Tremendous weight loss, I thought, yet remained focused on the doctor.
“He has also expressed concerns about the onset of confusion and anxiety.”
I turned to look at Pat, puzzled by this information. His need to keep things hidden shouldn’t have surprised me; he’d spent so much time trying to keep my sadness at bay.
“I would like to admit him—” Patrick gave a displeased groan. “And by that reaction, I think it’s safe to say the patient disagrees.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Gage said, surprising us all. “He needs to be here
, so he’ll be here.”
Patrick gave him a displeased look, but instead of running to the rescue of either man, I stood there silently as they battled it out.
“Since when did you become my dad?”
“I’m the guy who sat next to your wife for the last hour while she damn near shook herself out of her chair with worry.” Even though I didn’t look at Patrick, I knew he was watching me. “I also listened to you cry out in pain every time I hit a bump or took a turn on our drive here. So if this doctor thinks it’s best that you stay here to get you the pain relief you need, then you’ll stay. Because neither I nor your wife will be taking you home until this gentleman over here believes it’s safe.”
We were met with silence. I think it’s safe to say we were all a bit taken aback at Gage’s assertiveness. He was always such a “go with the flow, do whatever is easiest as long as you’re happy” kind of guy.
“Any objections?” Gage asked. “That’s what I thought,” he said before anyone could complain or attempt to negotiate. “So, Doc, tell us more about this plan.”
Chapter 16
“How’s Grumpy Bear doing this morning?” When I looked up, the exhaustion and fear of the night hit me. Willow gave me a concerned look, kneeling before me. “Sawyer, did you get any sleep at all?”
“Some,” I lied, and I knew she knew it. “Okay, very little.”
“Why don’t you go home, take a shower, maybe sneak in a nap?”
I looked over her shoulder and focused on Patrick. He looked so peaceful curled on his side, snoring lightly. Much different than he had the first night here, and the nights prior to that at home. Things were beginning to change rapidly. With each groan of agony from him, I felt like a part of me died a little.
Last night was his second one in the hospital, and it was terrifying and upsetting. They’d tried tramadol first and he grew agitated and angry almost immediately. That was heartbreaking to watch. Patrick wasn’t a mean man, and I never wanted to see that side of him again.
“They started him on morphine,” I said, ignoring her suggestion. “He seems like he’s sleeping better, almost like he’s feeling no pain. At least for the time being. I know that will change again when we least expect it to.” Taking in a deep breath, I continued to stare at my husband.
“Dad said yesterday was rough.” Willow took my hand. I nodded, not wanting to recap what he said or did on the tramadol. Each time I closed my eyes, I saw him sit up in his bed and look at me like I was the enemy.
“Leave.”
That one word and the hateful glare he gave me had made me feel more broken than I ever had before.
“He didn’t mean it, you know,” Willow said, as if she could read my thoughts.
“I know.” I did, but it didn’t take the hurt away. Maybe hormones made his words affect me so much, but they stuck with me no matter how hard I attempted to forget them. “Just hard, that’s all.”
“You’re exhausted.” I looked back toward her but barely registered her face as I looked into her eyes. “Being here isn’t helping.”
“I can’t leave him,” I said. “I’m where I need to be.”
When she realized I wasn’t going to budge, she stood and sat in the chair beside me. For a few minutes we just watched Patrick sleep. Every so often he would twitch, and I would jerk in response as if we were wired together.
Gage left a few hours ago—feeling exhausted himself, I know—to get to the station for his shift. I knew he was reluctant to leave, but I assured him I’d call if anything changed. Last night, I’d watched Gage stare at Patrick while he slept. He was the first to rush to his side each time he showed any sign of discomfort.
“Patrick chose a name.” My emotions were taking over, and at that point I just needed to talk. “It’s beautiful, and the fact he spent so much time choosing it makes it even more special.”
“Am I allowed to know?”
We hadn’t talked about it, but I wanted everyone to know. “Abigail Reese.” A tear ran over my cheek and dripped onto my arm as I closed my eyes briefly. “It means ‘a father’s joy.’”
When Willow didn’t speak I looked at her and found that she, too, was fighting her emotions. She stared at her younger brother, and for the first time I saw the desolation in her eyes that I’d been feeling for days. Willow was always so strong and put-together and always seemed to have a solution for everything. But we were all realizing that nothing could fix what was taking place before us.
“Sometimes being strong is overrated,” she finally said. “I believe all things happen for a reason, but I just can’t see the reason for this. It’s cruel, really, to bless him with such a great gift and then take him away before allowing him to experience it.”
Willow was the backbone of their family, the “take no shit, keep everyone grounded” person. She always had an answer or explanation for everything. But seeing her so lost and unsure like this was like seeing a completely different person.
“I still remember the day I walked in at Mom and Dad’s and found him standing in the kitchen wearing a smile that lit up the room.” I closed my eyes as I tried to imagine that smile. “He told us he’d finally met the woman he’d marry one day.”
I turned to look at her, which only caused her to smile.
“He talked about you almost as if you were an angel.” Tears filled my eyes just as they’ve done so many times over the last few days, blurring my vision once again. “A girl with golden hair, the kindest eyes, and a smile that made him feel like he was floating. And that laugh.” I wiped at the tears rolling along my cheeks. “He referred to it as the most beautiful song he’d ever heard.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I sobbed as I leaned forward and placed my head in my hands.
“Because I wanted you to know that even though what he said yesterday made you feel a little lost, he didn’t want that. Sawyer, my brother is so deeply in love with you it’s almost unrealistic. A love that pure and untouchable can’t be tainted by what he’s going through.”
I took in one deep breath after another, trying to regain my composure.
“It’s gonna get harder, Sawyer.”
“It’s already hard,” I whispered.
Willow placed her hand on my back and rubbed it in soothing circles. “There’s gonna be times when that anger is gonna return. There will be times your heart will feel like it’s breaking in half, and when it reaches that point, I want you to remember that story I just told you so you’ll know that whatever he says isn’t what he truly feels. Remember that you are the most important person to him and if he could control the future, we both know he’d never bring a dark moment upon you.”
I nodded because I knew what she’d said was true.
“He adores you, Sawyer. He has from the moment he saw you stumbling across that parking lot toward him.”
Chapter 17
During the following days, gloom settled over us all.
When Patrick wasn’t sleeping he was staring off into space, as if lost in his own little world. I wished more than anything that I could know what was going on inside his mind, but we were now back to him crawling deep inside himself and shutting off those around him.
I’d learned to just let him have his space and his quiet. His constant state of discomfort was hard on us all. That was the part I’d dreaded most: watching him suffer and fight a battle we all knew he wouldn’t win.
And even though he was still here, we were already missing him.
He was discharged from the hospital a few days later, and though I wished for him to stay there so he could be in his doctor’s care, he’d strongly pushed to go home. I was terrified knowing I’d see him struggle each night without being able to ease his pain. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to cope with what was to come.
I spent most of my nights alone in bed while he slept on the couch. He seemed more comfortable there, or maybe he needed it to appear that way, but again I didn’t argue. I had a strong suspicion that
he felt as though placing distance between us would somehow shelter me from his struggles, but I saw them every time I looked into his eyes. I’d lie awake in the next room, straining to hear his breathing, seeking the comfort of knowing he was still here with me.
Today, watching Gage and Perry reposition the hospital bed Hospice had just delivered, I felt as if another part of my soul had been chipped away. Hospice’s goal was to keep him comfortable, but they could only be here for a short time each day to offer support.
We’d reached the start of the downward spiral that we all knew was coming. I had never in my life been as scared as I was now. The things I’d read about that take place when a loved one begins to decline terrified me.
Closing my eyes, I placed my palms against my stomach, and our little girl greeted me by moving. It was almost as if she knew I needed that moment to remind me of my purpose—that even in all the darkness, there was a spark of light.
“Let’s get you settled.” I opened my eyes to find Gage had moved across the living room to the couch. Patrick looked up at him with that unhappy expression he had more often than not lately.
“I’ll go when I’m ready,” Pat grumbled as he looked past Gage toward the television as if he was actually watching whatever was playing on the screen. It’d been set on the same channel for days, but the volume was muted.
“Let me help you,” Gage tried again.
“I don’t want your help,” he barked, and I flinched at the way his irritation rang throughout the quiet space.
Gage leaned in, bringing his face closer to Pat’s and spoke very clearly, punctuating each word. “I don’t give a shit if you want it, you’re still getting it. It would make things a helluva lot easier for both of us if you’d stop trying to fight me and accept that.”
I’d grown dependent on Gage over the last few weeks. I knew it was wrong, because he had a life outside this, but he’d been the only one who had the ability to handle Pat. Not once did he back down or get offended by Pat’s outbursts, and I think Patrick knew he could speak freely to Gage. I also knew that deep down, buried beneath all that sadness and anger, was the Patrick we all knew would appreciate Gage’s efforts.