Don't Be Afraid

by C. A. Harms

  Tears welled in my eyes because I knew she was right. God, I knew that.

  “Patrick loved you so much, and all he wanted was for you to find that kind of love again. He knew that Gage was the one who could give you that. He knew before any of us did. Don’t push him away, Sawyer. Let him love you.”

  “I want to,” I confessed. “I’m just scared.”

  “Of what?” Willow moved around the counter and stepped up to my side.

  “Forgetting him.” My vision blurred with tears. “Sometimes I wake up and I can still see him so clearly. I can imagine the way his eyes wrinkled when he grinned. Or I can hear his laughter when I’d go on one of my rambles and he was unable to hold it back.” My heart ached with each confession. “When I walk into a room, I swear I can sometimes still smell him, like he’s there waiting for me. I’ve even looked around like I’d actually find him watching television or pouring a cup of coffee.”

  “And all of that is okay.”

  “I care about Gage so much, and I may even love him.” I paused, knowing I was lying to myself. “I do love him,” I corrected. “But I’m scared that if I move forward, if I allow myself to love Gage the way I want to, that I’ll forget all the things about Patrick that I adored.”

  Willow pulled me into a hug and I let go of my pain and sobbed on her shoulder in a mixture of sadness and confusion.

  “You’ll never forget,” she whispered. “Gage wouldn’t let you. We both know he would never try to replace Pat. He’d ensure that Pat stayed a big part of all your lives.”

  After a much-needed cry, I moved back and sat on the barstool only a few feet away. Abigail was still watching TV, completely oblivious to what had taken place only seconds ago. Willow sat on a stool next to me, and a million things rolled around in my mind, but one stuck out above all others.

  “Do you think you could watch Abigail for a little longer?” I looked up as she took a sip of coffee. “I think I owe someone an explanation as to why I grew so cold last night.”

  “Of course,” Willow said as she lowered her cup. “I promised her pancakes and eggs.” She grinned wide. “There may have been a mention of chocolate chips too.”

  I arched a brow at her and she laughed.

  “What? Isn’t it in the aunt handbook that I should spoil my one and only niece every single chance I get?”

  “Yeah,” I replied, feeling as if it was a little easier to smile now that my fears had been soothed. “It sure is.”

  My nerves were going crazy and my stomach knotted as I took each step.

  I’d sat in my car for the last few minutes watching Gage and his father move around the car in the garage. They’d disappear under the hood before reappearing again. When I’d realized that no amount of rehearsing would give me the exact words to say, I gave up trying to think of them and climbed out. When the door shut and I turned toward the house, Gage stood with his hand on the fender, staring at me. I couldn’t quite tell if he was happy to see me or confused by my arrival.

  With each step I took, he moved toward me, and we met in the middle of his parents’ driveway. He stood with his hands pushed deep in his front pockets and I twisted my own nervously before me.

  “Everything okay?” he finally asked, and all I could do was shake my head. “Sawyer, what’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry.” Fear flashed in his eyes as he pulled his hands from his pockets and reached for me. He held my waist as if he was scared to let go; worried I’d run.

  “About last night, I handled it wrong and I’m sorry.” He shook his head as if he disagreed. “Yes, I did. I shouldn’t have closed off my feelings. I should’ve shared them.”

  “So share them now.” I looked over his shoulder at the garage and found it was now empty. “He went inside.”

  I took a deep breath before looking back up at Gage. “I love you too,” I said in a rush, but I had to get it out. I had to beat my fear. Gage smiled, which admittedly wasn’t the reaction I’d imagined. “I know I didn’t say it back that day, but it didn’t mean that I didn’t love you. I was just fearing that connection.”

  “Why?” he asked, moving in closer as he pulled me to him. The warmth of his chest against mine gave me comfort. “Tell me what you’re scared of.”

  “Forgetting.” The tears that came each time I admitted this fear returned. “I wanna move forward, I wanna live, but I’m scared if I do, I’m agreeing to forget him, and that’s the scary part.”

  Gage released my waist and cupped my face. With my chin tilted upward, I looked into his eyes and saw the love there. “I’ll never let you forget him.” It was a promise. “He’ll always be part of us, Sawyer. He’ll be the one we thank every day when we wake up next to each other. He’ll be the father I tell stories to about Abby each night when we put her to bed. I promise you there will never be a time when Patrick isn’t a part of our day.”

  “I know, but that fear is still there. No matter how hard I try to soothe it, it’s there.”

  “Then we’ll take it one day at a time.” Gage skimmed his thumb over my jaw, his eyes holding the promise of everything he’d said. “You let me show you each day that I mean what I say. Let me be the man I know I can be for you and for Abby. And let me be the man Patrick knew I was before I even did.”

  I closed my eyes as a tear ran over my cheek.

  Gage pressed his lips over the path of my tears as if to kiss them away. “Don’t push me away, Sawyer, please,” he whispered. “I need you.”

  I shuddered with the impact of his words and wrapped my arms around him to hold him closer. “I need you too,” I confessed, and for the first time since I’d read the letter Patrick had left Gage, that didn’t frighten me.

  Chapter 38

  Gage

  I knocked lightly on the door before twisting the knob and finding it unlocked. Making a mental note to lecture Sawyer about safety precautions, I was met with soft music.

  I walked to the kitchen, where I paused just outside the entryway and listened to Sawyer singing along. It was a familiar song, one I’d heard on the radio probably a hundred times without paying much attention to the words or their meaning. Now I closed my eyes and just listened to her sing them.

  The song was about feeling lost and learning to love again; moving on and remembering what it felt like to feel safe. The lyrics made me feel an ache in my chest, one that was related to the pain I knew she felt and to my desire to heal her and make her feel whole again.

  Even before I fell for her, Sawyer’s tears had always been like a knife to my chest.

  I stepped through the doorway and watched in awe as she swayed from side to side, holding Abigail against her chest. One tiny leg was thrown over each side of her waist, and a mess of black curls lay over her left shoulder. As if hearing her singing such a heartfelt song wasn’t enough, this sight made me feel raw, and the unconditional love I felt for not only Sawyer but Abby hit me strong.

  I’d heard about things bringing a grown man to his knees, yet until that moment I never really understood how something so simple could do just that. But the two of them made my legs weak. Fuck, I never thought it was possible to feel so wrapped up in anyone, let alone two people. These two girls were my world. They were my life, the life I’d never imagined having but had been blessed with. And here they were before me, to love and protect.

  I stepped up behind Sawyer and wrapped them both in my arms. She didn’t pull away as my chin rested upon her shoulder. From this angle I could see them both, along with the contour of Sawyer’s cheek as it rolled into her jaw, and the most kissable neck I’d ever been within inches of. Unable to control the urge, I pressed a soft kiss where it met her chest.

  I smiled against her before moving back just enough to watch Abby. Her eyes were closed and her little lips were puckered, only a small opening allowing each breath to escape. Every time I looked at her, her resemblance to Patrick hit me hard. And every time I saw it, I wished he could too. He would have adored her and cherished her.r />
  We remained just like this for song after song. It was almost overwhelming to know that the girls I held now were my key to a happiness I’d never imagined. A love that was so deep and strong it made me feel weak.

  “Can we just take a little time-out to miss him together?” I asked, knowing the reaction I’d get but feeling as if I had to ask. I never wanted her to feel like we couldn’t love Patrick and wish that things had turned out differently.

  “Yes.” Her hoarse voice made my throat ache and I tried to swallow past the pain. “Me missing him doesn’t mean I don’t thank God for you. Sometimes I still feel guilty for being happy. It’s the strangest feeling, this back-and-forth tug of emotions. I sometimes wish he was here and that things were different, then I find myself thinking if that had happened, I wouldn’t have you the way that I do now. Then I hurt all over again but for different reasons.” She took in a shuddering breath. “Then I just feel stupid because no amount of wishing can change the past.” She turned in my arms and looked at me with fresh tears in her eyes. “I’m thankful for you, Gage. I am, and I never want you to think you’re any less important to me than—”

  I pulled her to me and pressed my lips to hers. I didn’t regret what was taking place between us, and I never would. She was right; we couldn’t change anything that had happened. We would always love Patrick, but she was my future and together we’d heal. I knew in the end that our grief would only make us stronger.

  “Love you,” I whispered against her lips as she took another shuddering breath. “I got you, my beautiful angel. No guilt.” I leaned my forehead against hers and we took one calming breath after another. “We’ll do this together, one day at a time.”

  She nodded and I again wrapped my arms around them as Sawyer rested her head upon my chest. With Abigail cocooned between us, we swayed along to the radio.

  “We have a house fire on Connor Drive.” Eric tossed me my helmet as I rounded the back of the truck while the alarms echoed throughout the loading dock. “Kitchen,” he added as he climbed onto the truck, “most likely someone forgot about something on the stove.”

  Things had been slow today, and the time for a shift change was nearing, but the alarm now had us all hyped and ready.

  I hadn’t always dreamed of being a fireman. Hell, when I was young I wanted to be Iron Man and save the world. Then one day, I think I was in fifth grade, a firefighter came to my school, and we all sat around in the gymnasium as he talked about his job. I still remember the stories he shared about those he’d saved and the lives he’d impacted throughout the years.

  I can still see the look in my father’s eyes when I told him I wanted to rescue people. I wanted to have someone look at me the way I looked at that firefighter and feel the same things I felt about him. He was heroic, and to me that was the closest thing to being someone who could save the world.

  My childhood dream became my reality and I loved it.

  Smoke poured out a small window in the back as we pulled up to the address. An elderly woman stood on the front lawn waving her hands high in the air.

  “I can’t find Elmer,” she cried in near hysterics as she ran out to meet us, pointing toward the house. “He was there, then he wasn’t, and I’ve looked everywhere.”

  “There’s someone inside, ma’am?” I asked as I looked past her at the house, my heart racing.

  “Yes, Elmer. He gets spooked easily, and when the fire alarm went off, he ran.”

  “Eric, there’s a man inside,” I hollered as he moved toward the front door. “Elmer is his name.”

  “Elmer’s not a man.” I gave the woman a curious look. “He’s my cat.”

  I looked up to see Curtis walking out the front door carrying a black-and-white cat, and the woman’s expression lit up like a Christmas tree. “Oh, thank you.” She took Elmer from Curt. “Thank you for saving my baby.”

  It did end up being a small kitchen fire, and though it did cause damage, it was easily extinguished. On the drive back to the station, we had fun harassing Curtis, calling him the Cat Whisperer and several other things. When he started eating it up and insisted that from now on we should refer to him as the man pussy runs to and not the man pussy runs away from, the joke was no longer fun.

  Chapter 39

  Sawyer

  I laid the red rose against the tombstone before sitting on the grass beside it. Leaning my back against the granite, I looked at the bright sky and smiled.

  Each day got a little easier. I missed Patrick a little less, and though it made me sad, I knew it was part of healing. I’d always remember every moment we shared and the love I’d forever hold close, but I knew this was what he’d want for me. He’d want me to live on as he’d told me so many times before.

  Each Sunday after I dropped Abby off with Luann and Pete for a few hours, I came here for a while. Sometimes I’d share the stories of our daughter and how each day her cute little personality developed even more. Gage had a part in that, because the more time she spent with him, the more I saw him in her too. He loved her, and seeing them together was bittersweet. She saw him as her father, and I’d try to remember that Patrick would be okay with that. In his absence Gage was the runner-up for the man who loved her most. He would teach her all the things Patrick would have, had he been here to.

  “I’m happy, Pat,” I whispered to the sky. “I miss you so much it still hurts, but he makes things better. For the first time since I found out you were sick, I feel like smiling is a little easier. I have Gage to thank for that, and you too.” I took a deep breath. “You brought him into my life.”

  I wasn’t sure just how much time passed as I looked at the sky and listened to the wind in the trees, but I left the cemetery feeling a peace I hadn’t when I’d arrived.

  I drove across town to the café I used to visit often and grabbed two cups of coffee, then drove a few streets over and parked outside the fire station.

  As I climbed from the car and walked to the big garage door, I heard laughter from inside.

  “That’s fucking cold,” Gage said just before another man’s squeal echoed through the open space. “Told you it was cold, you asshole.”

  I peeked in, hoping that whatever the two were doing, they wouldn’t decide to do to me. I could hear water hitting the concrete and firetruck, and being drenched with a cold stream of water didn’t sound too appealing. I found Gage and another guy standing next to the fire truck, both shirtless and dripping.

  “So is this what our tax dollars pay for?” They turned to face me and I smiled. “Water fights?”

  “Why, wanna join us?” Gage walked toward me with a mischievous grin that made my heart skip a beat. Those leering eyes and that smile were definitely a little dangerous to a girl’s libido.

  “I think I’ll pass.” My voice sounded breathy and his grin grew even wider as I scanned over his body.

  He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me tightly against him, and I squealed when the cool water on his chest soaked through my T-shirt. “That is so cold.” Chills broke out over my arms and neck.

  “This is a nice surprise.”

  I held up the two coffee cups. “I thought I’d invade your space.”

  “I like when you make my choices like that.” He licked his lower lip as he brought his face in just a little closer to mine. “But I think I’d rather taste these.” He took my mouth in a slow, teasing kiss.

  I’d completely forgotten we weren’t alone until the sound of someone clearing their throat broke my trance. I pulled back quickly, my eyes widening in embarrassment as I realized someone had been watching this.

  Gage’s grin widened. “Curt, this is Sawyer, my girl.” Instead of turning around to look at the guy, he continued to watch me. Hearing him call me his girl did something to me, something strange and new and exciting. “Sawyer, this is Curt.” He jerked his head in the man’s direction.

  Peeking over Gage’s bare shoulder, I offered Curt a smile.

  “So you’re the
Sawyer I’ve been hearing so much about.” Now I was interested. “Granted, most of the guys knew of you already, but I’ve never had the pleasure. I’ll be honest.” Curt crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the fire truck. “I thought for sure they were all in on this game of the phantom girl.”

  “Phantom girl?” I looked from him to Gage, and Gage chuckled as he hung his head.

  “Yeah,” Curt added, regaining my attention. “The way this guy talks about you, I was convinced there was no way you actually existed.”

  Arching my brow, I looked at Gage for clarification.

  “Guy’s just jealous,” he offered with a shrug. “I got the only good one and he’s stuck still searching.”

  I stood in silence as they laughed and teased each other. It was yet another moment where I felt lighter. Another sign that life did move on, whether you wanted it to or not.

  It was strange to look at Gage and see a future with him. I’d thought the chance of any happiness outside of Abigail couldn’t possibly be out there for me.

  But I was wrong. Gage had proven me wrong, and it made me love him even more.

  Chapter 40

  Gage

  “More.” Abby repeated the word as she bounced on my stomach. She sat with one little leg on each side, holding her arms out as she waited for me to once again lift her high in the air over me and move her around from side to side.

  “More,” she squealed just before I scooped her up and raised her. She giggled, kicking her legs.

  “You do realize now that you’ve started this, she’ll never let you stop?”