Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1)

by Christine M. Butler

  “I'm her only living family now,” I informed him.

  “Are you over the age of 18?” He was eyeing me more acutely now as I nodded.

  “I'm 19, will be 20 in December.”

  “Good enough. You will work out the details with the social worker. As far as her health, she's doing fine now. Her respirations are back to normal, heart rate is a little high, but I think that's due to anxiety from waking up in restraints.” He stopped outside a closed door and turned to me. “I know this is a difficult thing to experience, but I need to remind you that your mom is not okay right now, and we ask that you remain respectful, and try to keep everything calm and soothing. If you can't do that, you will be removed, and you won't be allowed access again until social services agrees to the visits.” Again, I simply nodded and then followed the silver haired doctor into the room.

  May 2 -

  I spent the next 48 hours at the hospital by my mom's side. Sally, the social worker assigned to my mom's case allowed me to use her cell phone quickly to have my bags transferred from my room to my mom's suite in the hotel, and to extend her stay there for a few more days. I wasn't sure what else to do. They were already talking about transferring my mom to a mental health facility where she could start a program that would help her recover. I was looking at having to be here in Vegas for quite some time. I didn't bother to ask to call Sasha yet. Now, I needed to wait so that I had all the information I needed for her first, like how long I was going to need to stay here. My heart hurt for my mom, for Sasha and what she must be thinking, and for myself. This was a shit storm that turned into a way bigger mess, and one I couldn't seem to dig myself out from.

  “Mr. Miller?” Sally asked as she came back into the room.

  “Yeah, sorry, I was zoning out.”

  She gave me a weak smile and then nodded her head to the corner of the room. I'm pretty sure my mom wasn't sleeping anymore, but she'd gotten real good at faking it when certain people were around.

  “Sorry, I know this all very difficult. The judge signed off on that order we talked about, considering the circumstances, the process was expedited.” She handed me the paperwork. “The transport should be arriving soon to take your mom to Andover. You won't be able to ride with her though. Do you have other means of transportation?”

  I shook my head no. I had the hotel concierge return her rental car a day ago, because I wasn't sure how long her rental agreement had been for. It was a good thing I did, because it was due back the previous day. I guess my mom thought she would only need it until she got in touch with my dad. “I'm only 19, so I have trouble renting a car here.”

  Her shoulders slumped then. “Okay, well, we can see what we can do to take care of that matter.”

  “If you could just take me to a used car lot or something, I'll just buy a car.” Sally's eyes narrowed on me then, but before she could let her assumptions and judgments fly, I cut her off. “Look, not that it's your business, but I have my own trust fund from my grandparents. I can access enough to buy a cheap car, considering it's kind of an emergency. I just need to contact our lawyer and let him know what's going on so he can release the funds for me. Her money is staying right where it is.”

  Sally had the sense to look slightly embarrassed as she nodded and handed over her cell phone. I had to Google our lawyer's firm in order to get the number, and then I called to inform Mick what was happening. I promised to send him the legal documentation that basically made me my mother's legal guardian for the time being. How fucking strange had my life become? Once that was done, we had a short wait until the transport showed up to take my mother to her new temporary residence. Funny, at one time I would have been making jokes about someone going to the nut house or the funny farm. Now, I didn't see the humor in them. This was my mother. My even crazier father had driven her to the brink, and I was the nineteen-year-old left holding the bag of shit that they both made for me. Nope, nothing funny in all that.

  I still hadn't really had a conversation with my mom except to hear her apologize repeatedly, and for me to say she was going to be okay. I wasn't sure I believed her apologies or my assurances at that point though so I didn't bother to get in depth with any more conversation. She must have sensed my unwillingness to talk, and she left it at that.

  Sally dropped me off at a little used auto shop on the outskirts of Vegas, promising me she knew the owner, and he'd give me a good deal without cheating me. As soon as I took a sweeping look at what was available on the lot I saw the one I would be walking away with. A silver Jeep Wrangler was sitting off to the side looking a little worse for the wear, but I knew I'd be able to spruce it up in no time. Apparently, that's all I was going to have was time on my hands for a bit.

  I worked a deal with Stew, the self-described “Vegas King of Used Cars” and was on my way to Andover Rehabilitation in less than three hours. Rehab. What a joke. My mom was being treated not only as a suicide attempt with anxiety and depression issues, but also as a junkie and an alcoholic since those were her weapons of choice when she decided she didn't want to live anymore. I wondered briefly where they sent people who pulled the trigger wrong. That was probably just my waxing bitterness and anger talking though. I still hadn't had a moment to myself, outside of buying a used Jeep, to do anything. Eat. Buy a damn cell phone. Whatever. Now, I was in intake paperwork hell. Apparently, most of the paperwork from the hospital had been damaged during transport.

  That means, the jackass driving the transport accidentally spilled his coffee on all the paperwork that I'd all ready filled out with the help of the social worker, and now it had to be re-done. I was ready to pull my damn hair out when a nurse finally walked up and took pity on me as she heard my stomach rumble.

  “Hey sweetie, why don't I take this to the desk for you and you go grab some dinner. I'm sure it's been a long day.” I looked down at my bare arms, just now realizing I never put my watch on before leaving my apartment forever ago. I glanced around for a clock, because her mention of dinner meant an ungodly amount of time had passed and the day was almost done. “It's 5:30,” she supplied, sensing that's what I had been looking around for.

  “Jesus. Is there a store around here where I could purchase a cell phone, by chance? Mine got damaged on my way here, and I haven't had an opportunity to get one in days with everything that's been going on.”

  The nice nurse gave me directions to a little strip mall not far from the rehab facility, and off I went in search of a way to finally reach out and talk to Sasha.

  ~*~

  May 3 -

  There was a snafu with my cell phone last night. Thanks to me getting one in Nevada my cell service company was having a bit of trouble transferring my North Carolina area code number to activate it on the new phone. There was a lot of yelling and hateful discontent on my part as they continued to screw up whatever they had to do to activate a new phone to my old number. This is what happens when you go with those cheap pay as you go plans. They ended up telling me to just come back the next day and they should have it working.

  They did not have it working, what they ended up giving me was a new phone with a new local Vegas number, and telling me that maybe it could be worked out, and switched back to my old number once I got back to my real area code. Great.

  Luckily, I had my address book stored in a cloud service, just in case, and was able to download some of my old contact numbers. My first order of business was a mass text to let everyone know I had a new number thanks to a snafu while visiting family. A couple of texts were returned as bouncing back from numbers that were no longer working. I rolled my eyes. Such is the college life. People my age got new phone numbers all the time.

  My dad texted back:

  HARLAN: new number? Local? Sticking around a while?”

  I almost ignored him; because honestly I hadn't planned on texting him anyway he just happened to be in my cloud storage.

  ME: New number because these asshats screwed up the transfer of my old one. Mom'
s in hospital for a while, so I'm sticking around until she can come home.

  HARLAN: WHAT HAPPENED?

  I was furious with his text. So now he wanted to pretend to care? Nah, I skipped that one, and read on down the list of people who just said things like, “cool” and “where you been, class is boring without you.” I ignored most of those too.

  JASON M: Cool man. Any idea when you're coming home?

  ME: Nah, my mom ended up in the hospital here. I'm here until she can be discharged. Probably a few weeks at the least. How's Sasha? I sent out a text to everyone, but haven't heard back from her yet.

  JASON M: Dude, I hate to tell you this over text, but I think she's seeing someone else now, man.

  ME: WHAT?

  JASON M: I stopped by her apartment to check on her, and some dude was carrying her in like they just got married or something. I mean, no dress, but you know, she was in his arms. Early morning too.

  ME: WHAT? Back up a minute. Did she ever say anything when you told her what was going on?

  JASON M: When I first told her you had to go to Vegas she didn't even respond. Then when I went to talk to her in person she was in the arms of some dude. I didn't bother going in there.

  ME: I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that scenario, man.

  That's when I had picture texts coming in. Two of them. One with my girl wrapped up in some guy's arms, sitting in his lap on the landing outside of her apartment. I couldn't make out her face, but it was definitely Sasha She was wearing the shirt I'd had made for her on her last birthday. Then another picture came through. It showed the dude carrying her over the threshold, just like Jason said, into her apartment.

  ME: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

  JASON M: Dude, sounds like you have enough to worry about back there for now. I didn't want to show you those, but… After all the shit your dad used to pull…

  ME: Yeah, thanks for looking out. I have to run back to the hospital, talk later.

  My heart was trying to beat its way out of my throat, where it had lodged as I looked at those pictures. I sent a quick text to Sasha again.

  ME: Hey, just got a phone again after Jason killed mine. In Vegas dealing with family issues. Sure Jason told you. Mom is in hospital now. Give me a call, not sure when I'll be able to come home.

  SWEET SASHA: Error Invalid Number. Please resend using a valid 10-digit mobile number.

  What the hell? I checked it, and the number was definitely the right one. Sasha had her cell phone number just as long as I'd had mine. What were the odds that she'd change her number the same week I did? I felt the blood drain from my face. Maybe pretty good if she thought I refused to talk to her again after our fight and then she started seeing someone else out of spite.

  ME: Jason, you sure texted Sash? Her number isn't working.

  JASON M: I think she had it changed, but I definitely got your message through before that.

  ME: Do you have the new number?

  JASON M: No.

  Panic started rising, and tasted much like bile coming up from my stomach. I was about to lose it. My number snafu meant that she wasn't going to be able to contact me, and I certainly wasn't able to contact her now. I didn't have my full address book saved in my cloud. That meant I didn't have Sasha's mom's number, and she had just moved in with her boyfriend, so her home number wouldn't be the same anyway. “FUCK!” I yelled out into my empty hotel room. The same hotel room where my mom tried to kill herself just days ago. My life was really beginning to suck at this point.

  Chapter Five

  ~Sasha~

  May 2 - Everyone has recurring nightmares at some point in their lives. Mine was unusual in that I had lived my nightmare. Once in a while I could change the ending and turn it into a sweet dream. For the most part, I was stuck re-living the shitty episode from my teen years. That memory was the first moment I knew what heartbreak was all about. The past week had nothing on that day, and yet I still woke from that dream in a cold sweat like it could possibly be worse than being knocked up by the love of your life and abandoned.

  ~*~

  I held out until the very last minute, turned down three potential dates, and ended up almost canceling on my senior prom because the one person I hoped would ask me never did. He told me, in confidence one morning, that he was waiting for the right moment to ask that someone special. The moment that would make it seem like a fantasy thing. I just knew he'd been talking about me. So, I waited. I waited all the way until the day of prom when I watched my best friend get down on his knees in the hallway in front of Andrea Springer and sing to her in order to get her to drop her date and go with him instead. Of course, she said yes. Her date stormed off in a huff, and I stood there, willing away the tears that were forming in my eyes. Luckily, Kristin had been standing nearby, saw me, and whisked me away from the school for the rest of the day.

  My misery didn't end there though. No, because in all his romantically stupid notions, Kaden had pre-purchased tickets for himself, Andrea, and me. Mine, he bought when he said he thought I might be a lost cause with getting a date. He actually said that to my mom, not me, but it still hurt. Not only had he asked someone else out, he didn't think anyone else wanted me either. Cue my second heartbreak of the day when I had to hear that.

  Sadly, I had all ready purchased a prom dress in the hopes that he would ask me. So, I didn't have the excuse that I didn't have a dress as to why I couldn't go. When a limo rolled up to my house at seven that night I watched as Kristin and her date Todd got out, and then I had to choke back my emotions as I watched Kaden help his date, Andrea, out of the limo. “Why do we have to get out here and take more pictures? She couldn't even get a date.” Andrea's sneered comment carried across our empty lawn and my mom gave me a pitying look before she pasted a bright smile on her face. For her part, Kristin looked ready to deck the girl, but her date was literally holding her back. Kaden pretended not to hear her, simply muttering that I was his best friend.

  “Mom,” I tried begging one last time. “Please, I don't want to do this.”

  “Sasha, what's the matter? It is perfectly okay to go stag to prom.” Her whispered encouragement only punched me in the gut further.

  “You don't understand,” I pled with all the emotion I could muster in my eyes, and I think she finally got it, as she started pushing me back to the house with a sniffle of her own.

  It was too late though. Kade came up and grabbed my hand, “come on, pictures for your mom, and then we're off.”

  “Oh, it's okay,” my mom tried to at least be helpful then. “We all ready got all the pictures I needed.” In truth, she only taken a couple, and was waiting to get some of Kristin, Kade, and I together. Kade looked up, almost hurt by the fact that we wouldn't be taken pictures together, but then his date opened her mouth again.

  “See, this was pointless, we could have just let the driver honk for her, like I said.” Kade turned his face towards her then, and I didn't hear what he said, but whatever it was it shut her up. I moved past the both of them to the limo and hunkered down in the far corner once I was in.

  My dress was a gorgeous silver silky slip of material that fit tightly to my curves through the bodice and then hung in cascading sheets down to the floor. Atop the silky layer was a lace overlay with brilliant opalescent beading that made the whole thing appear to shimmer anytime I moved in any amount of light. It literally reminded me of moonlight reflecting on water. It was simply stunning. Probably too stunning for me to wear since not one person had commented on the dress since I was picked up.

  In fact, we went to dinner, sat through an hour-long ordeal there where Kristin tried and failed to pull me into much conversation. Then we were back in the limo and headed to the dance. Again, not a word was said to me as each couple whispered to one another as if no one else existed.

  I had officially lost count of the tragic turns this day had taken that were all doing their level best to eat away at my poor, battered, teenage-girl heart. This was the
day in high school that most girls dreamed about, aside from graduation. Senior Prom. So, far, it was shaping up to be my worst nightmare.

  I spent most of the night hiding out on the sidelines. I danced with a couple guys who had also come dateless, one who had asked me to prom, and who I had turned down. He, of course, reminded me that I turned him down only to show up a dateless loser like him anyway. That was a nice addition to the suck fest that was prom night.

  I waited the night out, hoping that Kade would ask me to dance, just one damn time. I thought he was heading towards me at the end of the night for just that purpose, but then the DJ's voice boomed over the sound system, “last dance of the night ladies and gents, grab your dates, and make that last dance memory count!”

  Andrea was suddenly there; stepping in front of Kade and dragging him back out to the dance floor. She sneered in my direction as she spun around and tucked her head against his shoulder. He leaned into her, and smiled into her hair at something she said. My hurt lurched in my chest, and I left the hotel banquet room where our dance was being hosted this year. I snagged my cell phone out of the tiny little clutch I carried with me. It was the only thing that sat around my wrist, since I didn't have a date to buy me a corsage. Finally, I worked up the courage to call my mom to come pick me up.

  I knew Kristin and Todd had a hotel room reserved. I figured Kade had one for his date as well, and while the limo was there, and could take me home, it felt tainted. I couldn't bring myself to get into it all alone at the end of the worst day of my life so far.

  I told my mom I would meet her down by the street, and while she didn't like me waiting out there this late at night, she didn't argue. She just told me to be careful while I waited. As soon as I got in her car the sympathy in her eyes settled undid me, and the dam burst wide open. “He never even danced with me,” I sobbed into her arms.

  “Oh honey,” she made a shushing sound into my hair as she kissed my head and held me there. “I'm so disappointed in that boy right now.” That was the thing about my mom. I didn't have to tell her whom I was talking about. She'd always known, even when I tried to deny my own feelings, she always knew.