Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1)

by Christine M. Butler

  I woke in a rush of sweat with his name on my lips. My pillow was wet and so was my face. I couldn't even stop crying in my sleep.

  “Sasha? You okay?” Kristin's voice called through my door.

  “Yeah, Kris, sorry. I was just… I had a bad dream.” I slid over in the bed and molded myself to the dry half of my pillow then while tucking the other one around my belly.

  “Can I get you anything?” My roommate called out gently, still respecting my privacy by not opening my door.

  “No, I'm fine. Just going back to sleep.”

  “Is she okay?” I heard another voice, a male voice.

  “She's fine.” Her response was more muffled than when she'd been talking directly into my door.

  “Did she yell for you? I didn't really hear what it was she called out, just the sound and you running.”

  “No, Brad, she was calling out for the baby's daddy. She'll be fine. She has nightmares sometimes. Just let her rest. She hasn't been sleeping well lately. Her doctor told her to expect sleep issues with the third trimester.”

  “Okay, well, if you're sure everything is okay, I have most of it put together all ready. I just need to finish up with the closet organizer thing tomorrow. The crib, stroller, and changing table are all set up now though.”

  “Thanks for doing this. She had a really rough day, and it will make things all better in the morning when she sees everything put together in the nursery.”

  “Anytime. I mean it, anytime either of you needs anything you just call. I'll be here as soon as I can.”

  “Especially if it's Sasha that needs you, huh?”

  I could hear him sigh even through the door. “I guess there's no point in denying that, huh?”

  “None at all. I wish you had met her last year. If you had gotten here before he pulled his head out of his ass and finally asked her out, maybe she would be happy with you instead. I know she likes you. It's just hard, because she has a constant reminder of him growing inside of her.”

  “They didn't really date that long though, right?”

  “No, they didn't. But that girl was in love with him for a really long time. She wasn't always his only choice, but he was always hers. It takes time to get over that kind of a connection.”

  “I get that,” another sigh. “It fucking sucks, but I get it.” There was some movement away from the hallway outside my door and then he added, “I better get going.”

  “Sure. Thanks for doing this.”

  Now, my heart hurt for new reasons. First the dream about Kade saying goodbye, and now my fears about Brad's growing feelings for me were confirmed. God, what a mess my life was turning out to be.

  ~*~

  Sept. 11 -

  My dreams were littered with memories, wishful thinking, and more nightmares. The star in all of my brain's nighttime meanderings was Kade. I was doing so well yesterday, and then my mom had to bring up how close she had been to finding out where he was and if he would ever come back. I wanted him back, and yet I was so mad at him, I honestly didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive him for everything he put me through. I wasn't sure we could ever even go back to being friends. Granted, I still don't know if Jason - or anyone else - has ever spilled the beans to him about the pregnancy. I would like to think that if someone did he would come running back immediately though. I find myself wondering what would happen if he did. I thought about the fact that Brad was developing feelings for me, and if I wasn't pregnant, maybe I could start to return those emotions.

  When I think about things in that context it immediately spirals me down a rabbit hole where I wonder if Kade has met someone else yet. He doesn't have a baby growing in him as a constant reminder of me. Hell, he didn't even bother with goodbyes like the dream version of himself, so maybe there was nothing about me worth remembering for him anyway.

  Damn it, this is exactly what I said I wouldn't do to myself anymore. This constant war with the what ifs. Instead, I made myself get out of bed, get showered, and then I went to see the nursery. I knew that Brad and Kristin had worked on it after I went to bed the night before so that wouldn't be a surprise, but seeing it looking more put together would still be nice.

  “Holy crap!” I yelped when I saw the room. Kristin must have worked well into the night to do this. The crib, a dark cherry wood stood watch against the solid lilac colored wall. It wasn't just put together though, there was a beautiful bed set all ready spread out in it. The sheets had lavender clouds billowing all around them, and the blanket inside had to be a special order because dead center of the beautiful ivory spread was a white lily whose tips bled out into a purplish-pink color. Tears were flowing down my cheeks before I could even move any further into the room.

  On the opposite wall sat one of those old fashioned rocking chairs with a lavender cushion, but just above it was a framed picture I had taken of a lily that looked just like the one Kade had given me way back in junior high. “Kristin!” I hissed out with a whole butt load of emotion.

  “Yeah, chica?” She was behind me, watching from the doorway as I lost my shit over the nursery.

  “Of course you would remember why I gave her that name. I don't think I could love you anymore if I tried right now.” I broke down in sobs then, wishing there was a way I could thank this woman for sticking by me through the craziness that had become my life. She truly was the best friend a girl could ever hope to have.

  A pair of strong hands wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me up off the floor of the nursery, and walking me over to the chair I'd just been looking at. “Come on, sweetheart, you'll be more comfortable over here,” Brad offered as he continued to guide me to the rocker.

  “So, do I get to hear this story now? Obviously the lilies have special meaning to you for some reason.”

  So, I told him the story about how my baby's father was a ridiculously sweet idiot one Valentine's Day, and how that perfect flower and that too perfect moment were something I wanted to give to my daughter so she would know that no matter how things played out she was a product of love. She is my other perfect gift from her dad. Even if he couldn't be here to see her.

  “Man, every time I hear a story about this guy I want to go punch him in the damn face. I don't get it. If you two were so damn close and connected for all that time how could he just walk away and cut off all contact?” Brad's head was shaking in disbelief, but more than that he was shaking all over. His body was vibrating with pent up frustration with the situation.

  “Brad,” I spoke softly to get his attention. When he brought those gorgeous hazel eyes up to meet mine I smiled. “I won't apologize for, or hide from, my history with him ever. Having Lily's dad in my life for so long helped to mold me into whom I am today. I was loved deeply by that boy, even if it doesn't seem conventional or the way you or anyone else may have done it over the years. It doesn't take away from what we shared, from my memories, or the emotions that still linger. I know it's hard on everyone else around me. Hell, it's hardest on me. There are times where I wish I could forget. I wish I could just put it all behind me and leave it there, but then I feel my baby kick, and if not for all that history she wouldn't be here doing that. It makes it extremely difficult for me.”

  He nodded his head as if in understanding. “I know all that, and I'm not asking you to forget or apologize. Truly, I'm not. I just get a little crazy thinking about how anyone could just walk away from you like that. It just doesn't compute with me.”

  I placed my hand softly along his jaw feeling the prickly hairs that highlighted the fact that he hadn't shaved this morning. “I appreciate everything you have done and are doing for me. I want you to know that, and I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say next. Please, let me get through it before you respond, okay?”

  Again he tipped his head in acquiescence. “I can only be your friend,” I started, and noted the hurt in his eyes immediately. It was a palpable thing that seemed to diminish the bright amber flecks that were floating in t
he see of green and gray. “It's not because you don't deserve more, or that I couldn't one day feel more for you, because honestly you are a catch.” I offered the last with a smile that he reluctantly returned. “The fact of the matter is I'm broken inside right now. That's no good for you, and it certainly would only make things worse on me. I'd feel guilty, for no good damn reason, but the feeling would be there nonetheless. And I would resent your presence in my life one day, wondering if you being here is what helped to keep him from ever coming back. No matter what happens between Lily's dad and I, I need for him to come back for her. I want that to happen. She deserves for that to happen, because while you've seen one big screw up on his part, you've never been there to see his capacity for love. I want that for my daughter.” I paused then as I thought about what I was saying.

  “I want that for him too, because he deserves to have that kind of unconditional love in his life after everything he's been through.”

  “You,” Brad's voice was thick with emotion so he stopped to clear his throat. “You are seriously the most amazing woman I have ever met. He was a fool to walk away from you, but I have to tell you… I'm not that dumb. So, I will respect your wishes, absolutely, but I won't walk away from your friendship. If one day you decide you want more from me, then I'll be there.”

  “Brad, it's not fair for you to wait for something like that. You're 19. You have so much to do at this age. Hell, you're a damn football player, you're supposed to be out giving into all the panty throwing football groupies, not hanging out with your pregnant friend waiting for her to put all her crazy away. Please, don't put that choice off on me.”

  “Okay, how about this…” he started, giving me his sexiest grin possible. “I will make a concerted effort to go out and enjoy some partying here and there too, and if I happen to meet someone I want to spend time with, then I will. No matter what I'll be your friend through it all. If I'm still available when you're ready, you're mine though.”

  I laughed then. “Well, I guess I can't argue there.” I shook my head at him. “Thank you for all of this. For helping get everything set up. It really meant a lot.” I realized then that Kristin had left us alone to our conversation. I guess she had ducked out when it got personal to give us some semblance of privacy, but I had no doubt she was close enough to still hear everything that went down between us. I would probably also get an earful from her and plenty of advice later on.

  Once I got my stuff together I went about my day as usual. Classes, coffee shop duty, and then my heavenly milkshake run at the diner. It was much needed too after the past 24 hours of emotion that hammered down on me. Thankfully, the younger waitress wasn't around today. I was really starting to get skeeved out by her staring at me whenever we were in here at the same time. She always watched me or tried to sneak glimpses of my journal as I wrote. That really ticked me off. In fact, Bernadette, the older lady who worked here would come take over my table immediately if Jenn happened to be the one who attempted to wait on me.

  “You having your usual, honey?” Bernadette called from behind the diner's counter.

  “Yes, ma'am,” I called back as I pulled my journal from my bag.

  “I see it's a writing day. I take it things haven't been all roses this week?” Bernadette was beyond perceptive without having to sneak glances at my pages. I truly liked that about her.

  “It has been a dozy for sure. Writing it all down helps.”

  Bernadette brought me my shake while we waited for the food to cook. She looked down at my journal as she stood beside me now. “I know it does. When my Henry was off fighting in Desert Storm I used to write in my journal for every day that went by that I didn't hear from him. On the days I would hear from him I was on cloud nine and would forget to jot down the happy memories too. I hope you don't do that. It certainly makes for a maudlin looking life when you read back through pages and pages of doubt and heartache.” She chuckled.

  “No ma'am. Mostly, I write letters to my daughter. One day, when she's older and has questions, I want to know that I got every detail down. The good and the bad. Today, I was thinking about old memories I wanted to share with her. They're the good kind though. Sometimes, when I feel my worst, I've found that sharing those wonderful memories with her on paper makes me remember the feeling and it sticks with me a little throughout the rest of the day.”

  She nodded her head at me and her smile caused the laugh lines near her eyes and mouth to become more predominant. “That's a good way to go about a bad day, honey. I may just have to try that one out some time.” She patted my hand that was still resting on the closed journal. “I'll leave you to it then. Hopefully, by the time you're done and leave here today you'll have that glow back about you.”

  “Thanks,” I call out to her as she walked away to check on another customer. I opened my journal and immediately put pen to paper.

  Dear Lily,

  By now you've read letters about how I managed to fall in love with your dad over time. You've read about our continued friendship, and how I always wanted it to be more. I haven't gotten around to the way it became more though. Now, there's a story for you.

  You see, after the devastation that was senior prom night, I sort of gave up on your dad for a while. I didn't date though, because I was nursing a broken heart for a while. The funny thing about nursing a broken heart? It becomes infinitely harder to do when you have to pretend to everyone that you're not broken.

  Kade and I started college together at Northbrook University the following fall. Kristin was with us too. Six months went by between that epic fail of a senior prom and us nearing the end of our first semester together at college. In that time I quietly tried to piece together my broken heart. I also had to suffer through watching Kade going out with one girl after another. There were times when I would be standing beside him in the student union only to have a girl push me away from him the minute he turned his back and couldn't see what was happening. Usually, when it happened, I would just walk away and not say a word. Sometimes he noticed my absence and sometimes he didn't.

  One day though, those girls and their antics didn't go unnoticed. Only, it wasn't Kade who saw it happen. It was a friend of his. One of the guys from some art seminar he was taking. He just so happened to be extremely good looking too, and the minute Mason saw the same skank who had done it three time previously, push me out of the way so she could sidle up to Kade he swooped in and literally swept me off my feet before I could fall on my ass. I guess the girl got a little over zealous in her shove that time, or maybe I was lost in thought and easily knocked over. I don't really remember the finer details any more. What I do remember is the look on Kade's face when he saw me in his friend Mason's arms.

  “What in the fuck are you doing with Sash?” He yelled at Mason.

  Mason very calmly set me back on my feet, but at the same time he tucked me behind him in a protected gesture that set Kade off further. “Are you serioutreat her like complete shit and do nothing. I don't know how anyone could fail to see Sasha, or know that she left a room, because she has this amazing energy that follows her around everywhere. Yet, you are her supposed best friend, and it never phases you.” Mason huffed out an unfriendly sounding laugh. “I wonder how quickly your friendship would dissolve if she stopped trying.”

  I was shaking now, because Mason just called out my worst fear. I balled my hands up in the back of his shirt and pressed my forehead to his back, begging him in my head to please stop there.

  “Sasha?” Kade's voice was low and the anger had faded to something else. It sounded almost like worry.

  “Please, take me out of here,” I whispered just loud enough for Mason to hear, but no one else. He turned on a dime, and pulled me closer while walking me away from everyone.

  “Sasha?” Kade called out, but I ignored him and kept going, because I was about to lose my battle against tears, and I certainly didn't want to break down crying in the middle of the student union.

  Once we wer
e out of the union and on a mostly deserted path that ran down one side of campus Mason stopped and pulled me into a hug. “I'm so sorry. I should have handled that better. I didn't think about how that might be embarrassing for you. I didn't mean for it to be. I just, hell, I don't know. I've been thinking for a while now that Kade needed someone to put a foot up his ass where you were concerned.” I just clung to Mason as my tears stained through his shirt.

  “Thank you,” I finally offered him softly. “For noticing and for speaking up.” I patted the wet spot on his shirt as I moved my head away. “Sorry about the shirt,” I laughed lightly.

  “Don't worry about that.” Mason stopped me when I turned to go. “Where are you headed? Let me walk you.”

  “I'm just headed back to my apartment for now. I think I'm over classes for the day.” He nodded his head in understanding.

  “I'd still like to walk you and make sure you get back safels, right now?” Mason asked him.

  “Deadly,” Kade responded.

  “Then maybe you want to ask skanks one, two, and three about how they always push Sasha away from you. Not once have you cared about their actions towards her, so they're getting bolder and almost knocked her to the floor this time.”

  “That's not true,” skank one, otherwise known as Mandy, huffed. It didn't matter what she said though Kade turned his eyes on me and there was a fire behind them I had never seen before.