by Liz Lawler
He laughed really loud, attracting the attention of the doctor at the table beside them. ‘What’s so funny, Gouldie-locks?’
‘She called me Blondie,’ Cameron replied.
The man gave a small shrug and carried on with his meal.
Cameron was still smiling. ‘I have two nicknames now.’
Tess was amused, she hadn’t meant to call him that, but it slipped out. She supposed the other nickname suited him better, as his surname was Gould. She’d like to have him as a friend she realised, having lost Sara to the other side of the world. Maybe if he stopped fancying her it would be possible.
As if reading her mind, his eyes stopped flirting and his expression turned genuine. ‘OK, no more trying it on. I can respect what you’ve told me, but my offer of being a friend still stands. So, are we?’ he asked, holding out his hand to shake.
She sighed, not knowing whether to laugh at him as he waited. Seeing the kindness in his eyes she couldn’t refuse without offending him. She wasn’t like that, she knew what it felt like to be rejected.
Clasping his hand, she grinned at him. ‘Friends,’ she stated firmly.
A polite cough interrupted them and Tess turned her head to see Daniel standing almost beside her. His eyes were cool as he stared at her and she wondered how long he’d been there. He directed his attention to Cameron.
‘Forgive me disturbing your lunch, Dr Gould. I can see I’ve interrupted a jolly affair, but as you told me at the start of this attachment that you needed more operative experience, I thought you might care to know I will be starting my fem-pop bypass sooner than two o’clock. I finished the morning list earlier than expected.’
Cameron was already on his feet, discarding the rest of his lunch. ‘Absolutely. Not a problem. Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate it.’
‘Good,’ Daniel replied crisply, before addressing Tess. ‘Same goes for you, Nurse Morris. Or do you need more time?’
She shook her head, now also on her feet, feeling like a child at being caught out doing something she shouldn’t, and resenting Daniel for making her feel she had.
‘Thank you for your consideration, Mr Myers, but my lunch break is over so I’m happy to start earlier.’
‘In that case, I’ll see you both in theatre shortly,’ he announced, before striding away.
Tess wanted to hurry after him, first to tell him she’d done nothing wrong by sitting there with a colleague, and second to ask him not to be so curt in future. She did neither. Instead, she gathered herself calmly and went back to theatre. It would be there that she would show him how to behave. She would conduct herself in a professional manner and give respect to all their colleagues. Remind him what good manners were. That they cost nothing.
Chapter Fifteen
When Tess finished work she didn’t make a detour to the north side of the hospital for membership passes, she went straight home. Fuming.
Everything had gone perfectly fine in theatre. The four operations on the list had been carried out without delays or mishaps. Tess and the circulating nurse had done their jobs well. Daniel’s surgical assistant, a female registrar named Suzanne, knew what she was doing and did her job well. Everyone did their job well so there had been no need for Daniel to act like a bastard to Cameron. To pick on him like that.
In theatre as an observer, Daniel had chosen to test Cameron’s knowledge in front of the team. He’d answered straight back on most things, until Daniel’s questions became more exacting, requiring more effort, more attention, more time. It turned embarrassing for Cameron as the demand for right answers on minor and trivial details caused him to stutter.
What saddened Tess was that Daniel had done it by extending a helpful jolliness to the junior doctor, pointing out how difficult it was to balance one’s time while learning and being young. No women, no beer, no social life, he’d informed Cameron. Leaving Cameron to look like he could be better informed, more genned up, if he were to follow the example of his consultant.
Afterwards, when the theatre emptied, Cameron stayed behind while Tess was clearing and cleaning her trollies. He leaned against the operating table looking like a forlorn figure who had just lost his master’s approval.
He laughed a little harshly. ‘I don’t have time for beer or socialising, and haven’t had a girlfriend in nearly a year. I don’t understand,’ he said. ‘I thought I was doing well.’
Tess was left in a fury with Daniel for causing this. He hadn’t fooled her with that ‘helpful’ act. He acted that way because he was jealous of Cameron, because he found her and Cameron talking.
In the kitchen she threw her bag on the table, and yanked out a chair to sit on. She pondered what she would say, what approach she should take. It was doing her head in, this sudden behaviour change again. How could it turn so quickly from one day to the next? Surely he didn’t think she had eyes for Cameron? Well, she wasn’t going to put up with it. He needed to sort himself out and deal with the issues causing it. They had the whole weekend off together and she was not going to sit there in silence with him brooding. He’d ruined the end to her lovely week, ruined the last two weeks of happiness. Why couldn’t he behave consistently without these flare-ups?
To make matters more difficult, Stella informed her poor Peter was going to be off for a week, which could mean Tess would be working with Daniel again. Stella would expect her to be pleased by this because as far she was concerned Mr Myers was a very nice man.
She heard noise in the hallway, the front door closing, and stayed in the chair. She had no intention of jumping up to greet him. She picked up her mobile and pretended to look interested in something on the screen. A moment later his footsteps fell silent and she suspected he’d gone into the study, which he’d claimed as his office when they moved in. Tess stayed silent, not making a sound to let him know she was there. It was up to him to find her. It was up to him to make amends.
It was silent for so long she actually got engrossed in the phone and checked for any messages from Sara. There were none, but she had a new friend request on Facebook. Cameron had sent one, which she accepted without thought. He was a friend after all. The phone pinged back a message straight away. Hello friend. She smiled, was still smiling when realising she was not alone in the kitchen. Daniel was staring at her with his arms folded across his chest.
‘So you’re home,’ she said.
He didn’t say anything back, just continued to look at her. Tess ignored him by looking back at the small screen. She intended to annoy him by staying busy on her phone. She smiled to herself as she typed back a message to Cameron, aware that Daniel was now coming close to her to see what she was doing. She hoped her behaviour was frustrating him just as his earlier behaviour frustrated her.
The flash of movement to snatch the phone out of her hands left her mouth hanging open and eyes wide. He held it in front of her like a magician.
‘Do you think this is some sort of joke?’ he quietly asked.
She looked at him briefly, then lowered her eyes trying to calm her nerves. She hadn’t expected him to behave like that. If anything, she thought he’d be remorseful. Her mouth went dry, and she determined it would be better to give him her attention.
‘That’s what this is to you, isn’t it?’ he said. His quiet tone was making her more nervous. ‘You think my career is something you can joke about, something you can sabotage with your pretence of being someone else. Well, that’s not going to happen, Tess. You will remember who you are married to when you’re in that workplace. You went and got this job behind my back without even telling me. Don’t think I haven’t thought about that. Then you take advantage of my ignorance by being presented to me as someone else. You have deceived me, Tess. You have deceived Stella Malloy and my other colleagues, and now you have the audacity to hoodwink Cameron Gould into thinking you’re available and unmarried. Well, it stops now – do you hear me? – before you do any further damage to these people. Cameron needs to stay on track and I�
�m doing my damnedest to help him do that. What he doesn’t need is false hope.’
Tess felt herself trembling, in a state of shock at what he said. She felt her face flood with colour, because most of it was true. All of it was true in some way. Cameron did think she was unmarried. May still even think he had a chance with her. As for her deception, while not considered her finest moment, she thought Daniel was okay with it. He’d supported her, teased her. He hadn’t made one derogatory comment about any of it. Not even to mention his disappointment when she denied knowing him. Tess really didn’t know what to say. She felt as guilty as hell.
‘Another thing,’ he said.
She closed her eyes in despair. He hadn’t finished with her yet.
‘I’d ask you to refrain from broadcasting your life across social-media sites. I have no desire to have colleagues know my wife’s activity every minute of the day. Even though they don’t know you’re my wife yet, they might someday.’
Tess clamped her teeth together to stop her jaw tremoring. She was burning with humiliation. That he felt the need to mention the recent occasions he’d seen her on social media highly embarrassed her, because in truth it didn’t come naturally to her. She hadn’t grown up using Facebook. She hadn’t grown up with a mobile in her hand.
The first mobile she owned was a Nokia from Argos. A pay-as-you-go phone that let her send texts and make calls. She bought it at the grand old age of twenty-one. It was really only in the last few years she’d used a smartphone, mostly to make looking-up things on the internet easy. She’d never had a Facebook account before as she hadn’t felt the need to connect with people that way. Not while she and Sara were living together every day and Sara her only friend. It was only in the last two weeks she’d joined Facebook to get to know some of the people she was working with and feel less of an outsider. But again she hadn’t thought how her behaviour might affect him.
She opened her eyes and saw his bleak expression, and wished she could go back to the morning and begin the day again so as not to have him look at her this way. He looked so disappointed as if something had been taken from him. Had her behaviour caused this much of a problem?
‘Tess, I’m going to ask you something,’ he said quietly. ‘And I want you to tell me the truth. I don’t want you to say something because you think it’s kinder.’
She waited anxiously, and wished he’d hurry up so that she could reassure him. He was clearly going to ask if she was happy.
‘Do you want to stop trying for a family?’
She shook her head hard, trying not to cry as he looked into her eyes. If he knew she’d deceived him on this as well he’d probably walk out the door.
He sighed heavily, before slowly nodding. ‘Well, that’s good, then. I don’t want to stop either. I want us to have a family.’
She couldn’t see his face. Her eyes were swimming. After the last two weeks of feeling him love her in a way she hadn’t experienced before, to now feel his disappointment with her was a sharp shock to her senses. How could she have been so flippant in what she was doing? She had spoiled things. Not him. If he set her adrift she wouldn’t blame him. She would blame only herself for what she had done.
Chapter Sixteen
Martha was pleased when Jim left her in the capable hands of the nurse. He’d be back to get her when the scan was over. His mollycoddling was getting on her nerves.
Yesterday he’d come looking for her while she was watching the house. She’d felt like telling him it was not his business what she did in her own time. He was not her minder, or her jailor, come to that. His interference had already cut into her time with these blasted tests and doctor visits, and she was getting sorely fed up with being prodded and probed and endlessly questioned. Especially when she had more important matters to deal with like the whereabouts of the new wife.
Martha hadn’t seen her once in the days she’d managed to get out and go watch the house. Jim had said it was nothing to be concerned about. In other words, none of her business to be there looking for this woman. It was all very well for him to say that when he didn’t think there was a danger, but she knew differently, and was more than worried to have not had a single sighting of her in so many days. She should be there now searching for her, not wasting time being in hospital.
A woman in a blue-top-and-blue-trousers uniform came into the room with a cheery smile and went to a trolley with a monitor screen next to the examination couch. The pretty nurse standing on the other side of the couch gave Martha’s hand a light squeeze, and asked her if she was comfortable. Martha would have liked another pillow, but she’d been told they wanted her flat and her neck arched a bit. The woman doing the scan now spoke to her.
‘Just going to put a little cold gel on the sides of your neck, Martha. That’s the worst you’ll feel.’
Martha stayed quiet and still, quite enjoying the sensation of having her neck stroked with something and hearing the whoosh whoosh sounds. When the test was completed the nurse wiped her neck and raised the head of the bed a little.
‘I’m not going to sit you up too high after lying flat. We’ll give it a few minutes.’
‘So is that it?’ Martha asked.
‘It is.’ The nurse smiled.
Martha smiled back, relieved so little time had actually been taken. ‘So I can go home now?’
‘You can after you’ve seen the doctor, which shouldn’t be too long. By the time you’ve rested and got dressed he’ll probably be ready to see you.’
Martha was doubtful of that. The same thing had been said to her recently while sat waiting to see another doctor. She’d thought she’d have a sore on her bottom after sitting on a hard chair so long. Still, it was nearly over with and then she could get out of this place altogether. Hopefully, before Jim returned to fetch her.
Nearly an hour later, according to Ted’s watch on her wrist, she was shown into an office that had a chair on both sides of a desk. Her nurse stayed with her and introduced her to the male nurse already in the room. He picked up a beige file from a row of others neatly laid out on a trolley, and put it on the other side of the desk.
‘The doctor won’t be long,’ he said. ‘Just finishing up with the patient next door.’
Her nurse had said this to her before as well, or something similar. She checked down by her feet to make sure she still had her shopping bag, relieved to see it there as she wanted to put her glasses back on to hear the verdict. While fetching them out, the door opened and Martha was aware of man in a suit sitting down opposite her. Settling her glasses on her face she looked across the desk and felt instant fear. Her shaking hand rose of its own accord to cover her open mouth.
‘It’s you,’ she gasped.
‘I beg your pardon,’ he replied.
Martha was on her feet, her tiny frame rigid with tension, especially in the arm she stretched out to point at him. ‘Your new name won’t hide you!’
He gave a stiff smile. ‘I think you have me confused with someone else. The only name I have is Myers. Why don’t you sit down so we can start again?’
Martha stayed on her feet, staring at him hard. ‘What have you done with your wife?’ she accused angrily.
‘Mrs King, I suggest you sit down,’ he said calmly. ‘You’re clearly upset about something.’
Martha felt a rage. How dare he put on this show for the benefit of the two nurses behind her. He had no shame. ‘I know what you are,’ she snarled. ‘You’ve got rid of her, haven’t you? Haven’t you?’ she hollered as he got up from his chair.
‘I really don’t know what you’re talking about, but I am concerned by your behaviour. So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll take my presence elsewhere until you’ve calmed down.’
As he walked past her to get to the door she looked daggers at him. ‘I know what you did in that house, Mr so-called Myers. You won’t get away with it a second time. Trust me on that.’
She’d only seen him for a few seconds but she was shaken to the core. She
sat down, still shaking, and saw the faces of the two nurses staring at her horrified. She pulled her shopping bag up on her lap and hugged it to her chest. They could look at her all they liked, she wasn’t sorry for her outburst. They didn’t know what she did. Their opinion didn’t matter, didn’t bother her in the slightest. She turned away from them to compose herself and sat perfectly still, aside from the wobble in her small chin.
At quarter to six that evening, even though it was so early, she told Jim she was going to bed. He didn’t try to change her mind, instead encouraging her to have a good sleep. In the bedroom she drew the heavy velvet curtains across the window, shutting out the daylight. The bedside lamps were turned on, making it look cosy.
On the left side of the bed she eased the drawers away from the wall, taking care not to make any noise, to create enough space for her to get behind them. She got down onto her knees and saw the wall needed more light, so reached for the little lamp to shine upon it. She felt her heart settle. They were still there. Kept protected in this space behind the drawers, they hadn’t faded away. The paint prints were still white and not yellowed. Martha put out her hand and touched them. She traced her finger around the small one first, before following the outline of the bigger one. She kissed her fingertips twice and placed a separate kiss on each. This was her little shrine: two painted handprints. The palms and the fingers had been painted with the brush Martha had been using to paint the skirting boards white, to bring it up fresh against the new wallpaper. Ted hadn’t known it was ever done, that the two handprints were there. It was their secret. She had kept it from him and now it was only hers. Only she knew they were there.
‘Goodnight, my loves,’ she whispered.
Chapter Seventeen
Tess stared at the varied colours of the trees. The sky across the horizon was a blanket of white hazy sunshine. Splodges of copper and gold dropped new colours into the green hills to herald a change of season. She was surrounded by stunning landscape, yet it may as well have been wasteland she stared at from the dullness in her eyes. October had become the month of her cold-feet days. Blunting her emotions. Growing this apathy.