Up & Out

by Ariella Papa

  “How was the race? Did you win?” He laughs.

  “No, but I finished. We’re at Peter McManus having some drinks. I denied the fish and chips because I knew they would pale in comparison to yours.”

  “That’s my girl. I’m almost done here. Will wants to try out this day chef, so maybe I will come up and meet you.”

  “You will?” This means he’ll meet Tommy. This means that we’ll both be here with our significant others. This is big. “Okay.”

  I get back to the table as the food does. “Ben’s coming.”

  “Great, I can’t wait to meet him,” Janice says, then she glances at Tommy. I notice Kathy is doing the same thing, only less obviously.

  “Who’s Ben?” Nancy asks.

  “It’s Rebecca’s new boyfriend,” Tommy says to her. Then he smiles at me. “And I can’t wait to meet him.”

  I am desperate to finish my whole turkey club. It is an act of defiance for actually finishing the race. I feel it is my duty to consume as many calories as possible, as this is probably the most calories I will ever burn at once. The problem with club sandwiches is there is never enough bread to make all the sandwiches possible out of the ingredients. I can’t even make it through half. Everyone is eating big: Tommy got a Reuben, which he offers both Nancy and me a bite of. Janice and John went with fish and chips and Nancy got a cheeseburger. Nancy isn’t stingy offering me her fries. I find this quite endearing.

  Only Kathy is watching what she eats. They were out of veggie burgers, so she got a plain turkey sandwich on white toast. She looks great, but I feel like she is living in constant fear of gaining an ounce. She eats about a quarter of it and orders a white wine after her beer.

  “We just ran 6.2 miles, Kathy—you could use a sandwich.”

  “Well, I wish they had whole wheat. I’ll have a salad when I get home.” She looks at her watch. “And actually, I have to go. I need to call a couple of the vendors and I shouldn’t be out late.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m getting married,” she says condescendingly, as if there is any way I could forget.

  “In two weeks,” I say, equally as annoyed. She rolls her eyes at me. I don’t want to make a scene in front of everyone, so I don’t say anything else.

  “I have to catch a cab to Grand Central,” she says.

  “Well, are you sure you can’t just wait until Ben gets here?” I really want to introduce him to her. I’ve told him all about the issues we’ve all been having lately and I know he is excited about getting to know the Big Three—Kathy, Beth, Lauryn.

  “Oh, Rebecca, I can’t,” she says, acting genuinely apologetic. “I don’t want to miss this train.”

  On Saturdays the trains to Kathy’s town run every half hour. Late nights the trains run even more sporadically, sometimes every hour. In the past missing a train meant we could hang out and drink and have more fun. Those days are over and I realize that. I am going to have to stop comparing our friendship now to what it was in the past.

  “Okay, I’ll walk you out,” I say. Kathy says her goodbyes to everyone and even gives Nancy a “looking forward to seeing you at the wedding” comment.

  We go outside the bar. I start to hail Kathy a cab.

  “So, she seems really nice, right?” Kathy asks.

  “Yeah, she’s cool,” I say. “I don’t think it would be easy no matter who it was.”

  “But you’re okay?” I am touched that Kathy cares so much about my feelings. I am almost feeling guilty about being annoyed that she isn’t going to meet Ben, until she adds, “There is not going to be any drama at the wedding, is there?”

  “No, there isn’t going to be any drama.” I am annoyed again. Where is the supportive, cheering friend who hugged me when I crossed the finish line? “Is the wedding all you care about?”

  “Of course I care about you, Rebecca.” She is growing exasperated with me. “I just want it to be a special day.”

  That’s the same thing she said to Lauryn when Lauryn expressed concern about all of us wearing matching eighty-dollar costume jewelry necklaces.

  “It’s going to be special. I was just hoping you could meet Ben.” She nods like I’ve reminded her of something.

  “You know, I hope he realizes that you are going to be very very busy that day.”

  I shake my head. “Kathy, I haven’t even decided if I’m bringing him, but if I do it won’t prevent me from being at your beck and call.” She tips her head at me like I’m being a mischievous child.

  “Rebecca, don’t be so dramatic. Look, here is my cab.” Her cab comes at the perfect time for her to make her escape. She kisses me perfunctorily on the cheek.

  “Hey.” I turn to see Ben and back to where Kathy’s cab has already turned. He is never going to meet any of the Big Three.

  “Hi,” I say. I kiss him, then I kiss him again because I can and it feels good. I always forget how attracted I am to him until the moment I see him.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  “I just got Kathy a cab and was reminded that she is getting married.”

  “Nice,” he says. “Are you ready for your men to meet?”

  “I guess so.” Tommy happens to be in the bathroom when we get back to the table, delaying a possible release of my tension even longer.

  I introduce him to Janice, John and Nancy. Janice winks at me when she thinks no one is looking, but John is. He shakes his head at her and then winks at me. Ben goes up to get a drink, since there isn’t any server in the front of the bar unless you get food. So of course he is waiting for his drink at the bar when Tommy gets back to the table. It’s like some sort of French farce. It’s too much for this girl to take.

  “I think I’m going to put some songs on,” Tommy says, getting up to go to the jukebox.

  “No!” I yell a little too loudly. The table looks at me inquisitively. Time to cover. “Just wait a sec, I think I saw a bunch of people putting songs on. Who knows how long it will take?”

  “Okay, weirdo,” he says. But he sits back down.

  “Tom,” Nancy says reproachfully. I am starting to like her, but I think she might be one of those people who is too nice to have a sense of humor. I find it strange that Tommy is into her, but who am I to question love.

  Finally Ben comes back and time seems to stand still when he and Tommy shake hands and greet each other with a “hey, man.” I’m certain I could tell you every piece of clothing Nancy had on when I met her and the color of her toenails. But neither Tommy nor Ben seem to be that interested in anything but their beer.

  “They put the Bass keg on?” Tommy asks.

  “Yeah, it’s fresh. No Guinness on tap, unfortunately.”

  “Tell me about it. It’s a real jones.”

  “Yeah,” says Ben, shaking his head. That’s it, no big bully pushing match? No “I think we should take this outside and settle it once and for all”? No “Stay away from my woman”? No “I love her like you never did”? No nodding in the joy of the shared knowledge of my expertise in the sack? Don’t get me wrong, I wanted them to get along, but I wanted it to be more than a conclusion that each is a cool guy because they like to get their Guinness on.

  Boys are nuts.

  But we have a good time. It’s like we’re on a triple date. I miss hanging out with Janice and John. I think now we’ve crossed the line from just being work friends to actually being call-up-and-hang-out friends. Janice tells me that Jen is fed up with the whole kids’ industry. She is planning on going to nursing school.

  “That’s too bad, she was so into kids.”

  “I know, but she wanted to do something that mattered.”

  “Yeah, I was supposed to be a stockbroker,” Nancy says.

  “Really?” Janice says, leaning into the table.

  “Yeah. I interned for like two months and I knew that it wasn’t for me. And I know it’s not a real job, but I like nannying. I like that I can support myself and still play my cello whenever I want.”


  “It’s so great that you have that,” Janice says. I can see she is really impressed. “You may have to deal with kids, but I bet you can clear your mind and focus on your music.”

  “It’s true, and they’re great kids. I think, what’s more important, helping raise two human beings or putting more money in someone’s pocket?”

  “That’s awesome. Sometimes I just want to get back into painting again,” Janice says. “I am just so tired at the end of the day.”

  “Well, you’ve got to force yourself to do it,” Nancy says, “because in the end it’s doing the things that you love that gives you the most peace.”

  “Yeah,” I say, starting to understand the things Tommy likes about her. I think that lately, other than hanging out with Ben, the only thing I love doing is eating. No, wait, that’s not true. I loved the idea that kids were seeing what I was creating and it was helping them somehow. That isn’t really a tangible action, but it is something I love. Maybe one of these Don concepts will turn into something like that.

  “What we do, what I did, is good,” I say to both of them. “It’s just that we get so far removed from the actual audience, we don’t realize it.”

  “Yeah,” Janice says, nodding. “We make things for kids, but when do we ever actually see them?”

  “Kids are great,” Nancy says. It’s obvious, and it’s the booze talking, but it’s true.

  The guys are getting along. They are practically creaming over the possibility of what the final installment of Lord of the Rings will offer them. I should have seen it coming. Tommy is clearly the bigger movie and comic buff, but Ben impressed everyone with little-known trivia and John is able to draw a really good Spider-Man on a ketchup-stained napkin.

  All of this socializing is helped by copious amounts of alcohol. While the food at Peter McManus is nothing to scoff at, the real reason I love coming here is the consistency of their buy-back policy. For every two drinks you buy, the bar buys you one. If you can walk out of here you’re lucky. Nancy is clearly feeling it when her laughter gets louder. Tommy suggests that they head home.

  “Oh, yeah, we have a train to catch,” she says. It takes me a second to realize she is making fun of Kathy. That’s pretty ballsy, and even if it’s only because she is drunk, I think it means she feels comfortable with me. Maybe she has a sense of humor, after all.

  They say goodbye to the rest of us. Tommy makes sure to tell Ben that it was nice to meet him. When he bends to kiss me goodbye, I whisper that I won’t be coming home tonight, if he wants Nancy to sleep over.

  “Thank you,” he says.

  We hang out for another drink. The sun hasn’t even gone down yet, but I am buzzed. Janice and John insist that we walk by their new apartment. They smile when they look up at the brownstone on tree-lined Twenty-first Street. Then they catch a cab downtown. We say goodbye and I remind Janice that sooner or later I might snag her away from Explore! to do some top-secret work for Don and me.

  Ben and I are far enough west to walk over to the river. I’m glad to be outside walking with my hand in Ben’s. The air has turned cooler and I’m still in my T-shirt from the race. He puts his arm around me and points up to the overpass west of Tenth Street. He tells me about all the ecology that is developing there and how someday it will make a great park.

  He talks like we’ll be together for a long time; this is something I have to stop second-guessing. I think he makes me live in the moment. I tell him that he and Lauryn would get along.

  “She’s the bird girl, right?” I can’t believe that “bird girl” is how people now refer to Lauryn.

  “Yeah, I wish you could meet her. Well you will, if you come to the wedding.”

  “I can still meet her, even if I don’t come to the wedding.”

  “Does that mean you don’t want to go?”

  “Like I said, I want you to do what you want.”

  “They breed good men in New Hampshire.”

  “I think it’s you who has good taste.”

  “Oh, right, now you love Tommy.” I smile. Even though I would have enjoyed a little chivalrous drama, I think they are both adults for not trying to eclipse each other.

  “I like Janice and John, also. I think you surround yourself with good people.”

  “Wait until you meet the Big Three. God, I wish you met them five years ago. They were so different.”

  “I’m sure you were also. Who knows if we would have liked each other then. You might only now have been ready for me.” He has a point. “You know, I think you give what you get.”

  Esme is back. We are walking by the river the way Ben and I were. She isn’t talking, but she keeps thinking the words “You have to decide, you have to decide.” Is it because I want other people to make my decisions?

  “What are you trying to say? Wait!” Esme laughs. Her laugh sounds like mine and the voice-over I picked and the new voice-over she has now. I know she isn’t mine anymore and she never will be. I loved her and created her, but now she is out in the world and I have no control of her.

  She climbs on the railing. She is going to jump into the Hudson River and I won’t see her again after that. She is going to be fine without me, but will I be fine without her?

  When I look at her waving goodbye before splashing into the river she actually speaks, “Goodbye, Ms. Cole.”

  Ms. Cole. I wake up to Ben spooning me. There are tears in my eyes. I think about waking Ben up, but her words stick with me. He sighs in his sleep and squeezes me.

  I could be happy writing shows for Don, and I will be. For me, it’s easy money. But my shows will always be changed and twisted. I will never be in control. I can deal with that. But I need something more real. I need a connection with people. I want a connection with kids. I don’t want to see them behind glass at a focus group. I don’t want to only deal with child actors. I’m going to keep writing, but I’m also going to teach.

  I am a sucker for those ads on the subway. I’ll apply to be a teacher starting next year and if it doesn’t work out, I will find something else. I just want to interact with real kids.

  Ben moans. I turn around to face him and kiss him on the lips. He smiles and slowly, pleased with my decision, I start to wake him up.

  I get my first check from Don and use it to pay off more than the bare minimum of my credit card. I won’t miss the automated voice at Unemployment. I want to go to Nobu Next Door with my jackpot, but instead I take Ben to Other Foods, an amazing organic restaurant where I can get fish and he can get weird grain things that look funny and taste delicious.

  I also get a haircut. It’s not as young-urban-professional-looking as the one I got when I was promoted to executive producer, but it’s shorter with a few layers and I had some red highlights put in that complement my glasses.

  Kathy calls me in a panic every day for the entire week before the wedding. Each conversation ends with some kind of demand and a reminder that this has to be a special day.

  She wants us all to meet in Westchester at 6:00 a.m to get our hair done in her salon. This isn’t a gift, this is another eighty bucks. The majority of my current credit card bill is due to wedding-related costs. I tell her I won’t be able to make it that early. I’ll do my own hair. I’ll be there in time for the pictures at two.

  If I hadn’t just spent sixty dollars (which was considered a steal) on dress alterations so that the dress is like a second skin, I would think I was out of the wedding.

  “What are you doing about your hair?” I hear Kathy gasping. This stress cannot be good for her.

  “Kathy, I just got it cut, it’s too short to put up. It’s going to look really cool.”

  “Oh, my God. I think I’m getting an ulcer. Your wedding hair is giving me an ulcer.”

  “Okay,” I say. I am trying to adapt a new policy with my friends. “Take a Tums and I’ll see you on Saturday at two.”

  “Jesus, what a dress,” Ben says from my bed. I’m actually wearing it. “I’ve seen your br
easts and they aren’t that big.”

  I look down and hike up the neckline a little. It doesn’t help much. I stare at myself in the full-length mirror. My stomach is definitely flatter than when we first tried the dresses on. Love may make you fat, but Ben being a vegetarian and my constant running has helped make me more toned.

  My red glasses sort of match the red dress. The thin red jacket Dina picked out is trimmed in a white cotton faux fur. I can’t believe she would pick this out for a wedding in late September. I think Dina’s pregnancy made her delusional.

  “Why are you smirking? You look pretty. Your date is going to be very impressed.” I smile at him. He hasn’t put a shirt on. I wish I wasn’t already dressed. It’s twelve-thirty and I better get going if I don’t want to get chastised.

  There is a knock at my door. I open it a crack. It’s Tommy. I still don’t exactly feel comfortable when the two men are in the apartment but Nancy’s here, too, in Tommy’s room. He smiles when he looks my dress up and down.

  “Not a word,” I say. “I mean it.”

  “This beats Lauryn’s,” he says. I was Lauryn’s maid of honor eons ago.

  “It’s also about ten tempuras cheaper.”

  “Nice,” he says. “Are you ready to go?”

  “I’m just waiting for my date,” I say.

  “Well, your date is here.” I open my door a little wider and Lauryn, my date, is standing there with the same dress and the same smirk. Her eyes are sparkling as she rubs the white cotton muff that Kathy paid for. I can’t wait to get mine.

  “Did somebody say Santa’s little helper?”

  Epilogue

  Landslide

  We’re over at Kathy’s new house in Connecticut watching her wedding video for the third time. The last time I fell asleep. It’s just the four of us—Kathy, Beth, Lauryn and me. Ron is working late. We are all drinking wine except Kathy. Kathy hasn’t said why she isn’t having any, but when she leaves the room Lauryn, Beth and I whisper “pregnant” to one another.