As Good as Dead

by Ben Westerham

  “And what are you going to do when you get out there, lover boy?” I asked, turning back to Longmeadow. “Run the books for some drug cartel? Probably have no trouble with that sort of thing, not after spending so much time working for a crook like Groves. Although you might have a bit of trouble getting yourself a reference.

  Longmeadow went to speak, but he’d barely got his gob open when Alex cut in.

  “We’re going to open a hotel. A beautiful place for beautiful people, who have lots and lots of money, which they can use to pay our over-inflated prices. And, if that goes well, we’ll open a second hotel and a third, if we feel like it.”

  She sounded so certain of herself, I couldn’t help feeling she’d make a bloody big success of it. I supposed she’d have to, anyway, because if she cocked things up and had to come back to good old Blighty, she’d be right up the proverbial creek. Would probably be better off departing the plane halfway across the Atlantic. There was, though, still one question I needed an answer to.

  “There’s one more thing before you go, if you don’t mind. Why the bloody hell did you bother getting me involved? What was the point of it? Didn’t it just make things a whole lot messier?”

  She sidled up to me and gently rubbed the back of one soft, smooth hand across my cheek. She had a nice touch and a little tingle warmed my insides. Bloody Nora, those eyes of hers, when she wanted to use them to her advantage, were irresistible pools of glowing light that drew you in. Who was the pathetic one now, I asked myself.

  “I wanted a babysitter, someone to make the whole thing seem more believable. Poor little me, I couldn’t face coming down here to Brighton without someone to look after me the whole time. After all, I might trip over a kerb or get lost on the way back from the beach.” She straightened the collar of my shirt. “You were just a name from the phone book. A sole operator for whom the money on offer would make for an irresistible pay day. I had hoped, and expected, that you’d be too lazy or incompetent to do anything more than follow me round, when I wanted you to, and happy enough to put your feet up in the bar the rest of the time. I honestly hadn’t bargained on you being able to do the job properly and having some get-up-and-go about you. Though, as it turned out, that did come in very useful, especially when Tony’s thugs showed up. You really are rather good at your job.”

  “I’ll have to get you to scribble down a reference for me after a glowing tribute like that.”

  Longmeadow caught Alex’s attention and she looked at her watch.

  “Well, it would be wonderful to continue this little chat, but we really must be going,” she said. “We’ve a plane to catch. Now then, I take it you have everything you need?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “I’m sure someone will find you, eventually. If I was you, I’d have a little nap while you have the chance. Or perhaps you could draw up a list in your head of ideas for family presents next Christmas. That’s something that always benefits from a little time and attention.”

  “Very thoughtful of you,” I replied.

  “Andrew. Tape over his mouth, please.”

  It’s funny how I’m perfectly OK breathing through my hooter when I’ve got the choice, but, as soon as someone gags me, I hate it. After a couple of minutes or so, it feels as if I can’t get enough air to my lungs and the harder I try, the more difficult and uncomfortable it gets. In the end, I have to force myself to slow my breathing until I get a grip and can suck in air normally again. I know it’s a mental thing, but that doesn’t help. Not being able to breath through my mouth was bad enough, but the stink from the bloody tape didn’t help either. It was so strong and unpleasant that I was at serious risk of getting a nasty headache if I didn’t get rescued soon.

  I watched as they finished packing, thinking how odd it was that all they were taking to their new life in a faraway place was one suitcase each. There again, I supposed it wouldn’t take much of that two-point-five-million pounds to buy some new clothes and wotnot once they got to Mexico.

  Barely ten minutes later, the last item had been packed, the zips on the suitcases pulled across and I was watching the door close behind Alex and her poodle. They didn’t even say goodbye. Whatever happened to good manners?

  I struggled for a bit, trying to loosen my bonds, but it was hopeless, so I gave up, had a very brief think about potential Christmas presents, then nestled my head against the back of the chair and closed my eyes, wondering what I’d do with two-and-a-half million quid. Somewhere between buying a Rolls Royce and going for a swim in the Caribbean, I nodded off.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The look on the face of the cleaner who found me was hilarious. I’d slept for about forty-five minutes, then woken up with a stiff neck and hadn’t been able to get back to sleep again, so for two more long hours, I’d sat there looking at the pictures on the walls, the walls themselves and anything else I’d already looked at a hundred times. By the time I finally got to hear the sound of a key being wiggled in the lock, I was well on my way to going doolally. I was also desperate for the loo.

  Hilda was one of the little group of maids who spent their time cleaning the hotel rooms and she’d been sent along to the one I was in to get it all ship-shape and ready for the next paying punter. She had, of course, been expecting the room to be unoccupied and her first surprise was finding someone still in residence. More unexpected than that, however, was finding me taped to the chair. Apparently, at first she thought she’d interrupted some sort of kinky sex game and was thinking of turning round and legging it. It was only when she realised there was just me in the room that decided she’d take a closer look.

  The poor old bird, her hands were shaking when she whipped a pair of scissors out of her cleaning kit and set about the duct tape. Still, I suppose it gave her something to talk about with her friends for a good few weeks afterwards. She’d probably be the centre of attention for a day or two.

  Christ, did I ache when I struggled back on to my feet. And as for pulling the tape off my wrists and legs; well, let’s just say it didn’t leave much in the way of hair behind. I’d wanted so shout and swear, but didn’t want to offend Hilda, so bit my tongue and saved the screams for later.

  I used the phone in the room to put a call through to Durham. I was lucky, as it turned out, because he’d only just got back to the station. I brought him up to speed on the case of the missing witness and her evil plans to leg it to Mexico with lots of her former lover’s ill-gotten gains. If he was quick about it, I pointed out, he might still be in time to pick up Alex and her latest fella at Heathrow, before their flight departed. I was, though, a tad embarrassed to have to admit that I hadn’t clocked the time the flight was due to take off.

  For a moment I wasn’t sure from the sound of his voice whether Durham was more miffed with me, for having done his work for him by tracking down Alex, or with her, for having pulled the proverbial wool over all our eyes. Either way, there was an edge to his voice that suggested whoever was unlucky enough to next upset him was going to get both barrels. He wasn’t a happy man.

  He wanted me to stay where I was while he sent someone over to check things out and take a proper statement, but I wasn’t having that. I’d done enough hanging around to last for the rest of the month. What I wanted next was a decent cup of coffee and something to eat; I was starving. If he wanted me, he’d be able to find me in the restaurant at the Churchill.

  I said a final thank you to Hilda as I passed her in the corridor and told her not to clean the room before the cops showed up. Then I called a taxi from reception and was sitting in the restaurant at the Churchill thirty minutes later, tucking into a chicken pie, chips and gravy, having already put away two cups of strong coffee. And you know what? I didn’t give a toss about Alex Rudd any more. She’d got what she wanted, though I wasn’t sure she’d get long to enjoy it. And, even if she had played me for a fool, I really wasn’t all that fussed. I’d had a bloody decent time in Brighton, all at her expense, and could look forward to being well paid
too, seeing how Scoular had got payment off Alex up-front. On top of that, I’d finished up having more than a little bit of fun with Angela. Yep, despite the beatings, the lies and the let-downs, I was determined my few days in Brighton would be ones that I’d look back on with satisfaction.

  *

  By the time I next saw Durham, a couple of hours later, I’d had a good rest and was feeling more like my normal self. He found me in the bar, chatting to Dave the barman, who, I discovered, had one of the country’s leading collections of Victorian cut-throat razors. Peculiar hobby, but interesting, all the same.

  Durham steered me away to a table where we weren’t likely to be overheard. Just what would his news be, I wondered, as we sat down. There didn’t seem to be any real reason why the coppers ought not to have picked up Alex and Longmeadow at Heathrow before their flight had departed, but, given the charmed life Alex had led over the course of the previous few days, I wasn’t inclined to take it for granted she’d been apprehended.

  “You got some news for me, Inspector? Or just just stopped in for a drink on your way home?”

  “There has indeed been a development or two,” he teased. “And I thought you might want to know.”

  I grinned. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. Mind you, don’t go asking me to guess what’s happened. Every time I’ve thought I’ve got to grips with this business here, something has changed and left me feeling like a right idiot.”

  “That’s a shame,” he said, with a sigh. “That’s exactly what I was going to do.”

  Simply because it felt like the right place to start, I decided to assume the worst.

  “You didn’t get her, did you?”

  He shook his head, then crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

  “Care to guess why not?”

  “She’s really a bloke called Mike, who changed into a two-piece suit and caught a flight to the Seychelles from Birmingham.”

  Durham snorted and half a smile appeared on his face. For a copper who’d just seen his one-time witness and now leading suspect slip through his fingers, Durham looked remarkably relaxed.

  “You’re not as wide of the mark as you might think. I can confirm she’s not a bloke and she’s not called Mike. But on the other hand, she’s not really called Alex Rudd either.”

  “Why doesn’t that surprise me?” I asked, shaking my head.

  “Her real name is Louise Greenwood, though, by all accounts, she prefers to be called Lulu.”

  “Lulu?”

  Durham nodded.

  “She’s not a Lulu,” I protested. “She’s not got the right look.”

  “Well, that’s what the Met have told us.”

  “You mean, she’s led them up the garden path too?”

  “Not altogether. All the stuff about Tony Groves, being his ex and selling him out, is true enough. It turns out the delay in sorting out some sort of protection for her was as much down to her as it was my colleagues in London. Apparently, every time it looked like things were sorted, she’d ask for something else.”

  “Playing for time?”

  “Seems so. A clever girl.”

  “She is. Makes you wonder how long she’ll keep Longmeadow around. Probably see him on a flight back here before the end of the year, if you ask me.”

  Durham shook his head and this time he really was smiling; a bit of twinkle in his eye.

  “We didn’t get her at the airport, but we did pick him up.”

  “Weren’t they together?”

  “Nope, the clever little thing had thought about that. She decided they should travel separately, so they’d be less easy to spot.”

  “What?”

  “That’s what he told us.”

  “So, what happened?”

  “We didn’t manage to get a call through to the airport before the flight took off, so we thought we must have missed the pair of them. Turned out the plane had been up in the air for about twenty minutes when we phoned.”

  He went silent. He was having fun at my expense, the selfish git. Good job I had a sense of humour.

  “So,” I hesitated, wondering what could possibly have happened. “Something else happened to keep him at the airport?”

  “It did.”

  The cogs in my head turned again. I snorted. What else could it be, but the obvious.

  “She set him up?”

  Durham laughed.

  “She most certainly did. The poor sod never had a chance. Security found a gun in his suitcase after receiving an anonymous tip-off.”

  “From a woman, I’m guessing?”

  “And you’d guess correctly. Very upset, he was, by all accounts.”

  “I bet he was. And let me also guess, he’d seen the gun somewhere else before?”

  “Ah, you’re spoiling my story. He had indeed. Probably most recently when his beloved was pointing it at you in that hotel bedroom.”

  “What a piece of work she is.”

  I couldn’t hold back a chuckle.

  “I’d have to suppose that’s what she was up to all along; getting her hands on that two-and-a-half million,” continued Durham. “Everything she did was aimed at getting herself the money to live in a bit of luxury, probably somewhere far away from here, with a new name and little chance of either us or Groves catching up with her. Mind you, I suspect the run-ins she had with Groves’s thugs were unplanned and unwelcome.”

  “Yeah, and another thing. Knowing what I know now, I’m not sure about those two deaths being accidents after all.”

  “The same thought had occurred to me. But I have a nasty feeling we’re not going to get the chance to ask her about those again. If we do happen to pick her up before she leaves the country, it would be interesting to see how she responds when we put a bit of pressure on her, by suggesting we believe she killed both men in cold blood. To be honest, though, even if she did do that, then unless she slips up, we’d have a hard time making a charge stick, with no witnesses and no evidence to back it up.”

  “Yeah, convenient for her that, isn’t it? So, no sign of her at any of the airports or the harbours? I assume you’re looking.”

  “Not so far, but she might be lying low until things have blown over. If she’s travelling on another passport, our chances of picking her up are pretty slim, especially if she changes her appearance. And in a few months time, when the world has moved on and we’re all looking for the next evil mastermind, there’ll be even less chance of her getting caught.”

  “But you won’t give her up as a lost cause?”

  “Of course not. Even if she’s still missing in ten years, we’ll nab her if we’re given half a chance. Believe me, there are people we’ve been waiting on for longer than that.”

  “I suppose there is. Lord Lucan, for one.”

  Neither of us said anything more for a while. I was wondering where things would go next, not that it was likely to involve me, and I supposed Durham was probably doing the same, though it mattered a lot more for him. Like he said, the law can’t ever give up; that would be bad for business.

  “What are you going to do, then?” Durham asked. “Head back to London, I suppose.”

  “Eventually. Got to catch a thief first. Someone’s been nicking gear from the paying punters and the manager has asked me to help.”

  “Really? Want any help from us? I might be able to rustle up someone.”

  He sounded as though he was hoping I’d turn down his offer.

  “You’re alright, I don’t think it’s going to take me long to finger them.”

  “What’s he been taking?”

  “Jewellery, watches. The usual stuff.”

  I was going to say more, but stopped when I noticed Angela walking towards us.

  “Ah, and here comes Angela now,” I said. “Probably going to ask me why I’m not on the case right now, instead of sitting here gossiping with you.”

  “Hello David. Inspector,” Angela nodded.

  Durham got to his feet.

>   “Miss Webster.”

  “No need to get up, Inspector,” replied Angela, looking down at me.

  I took the hint and dragged myself on to my feet.

  “Can’t help myself,” said Durham. “It’s the way I was brought up. My mum saw me not getting up to greet someone, she’d give me a proper clip round the ears.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. Have you had any joy at the airport? David mentioned our former guest was looking to move on to sunnier climes.”

  “I’m afraid we weren’t altogether successful, no. Your former guest’s whereabouts are currently unknown, much to my frustration.”

  “I’m sure you’ll get her, in the end. You usually do, don’t you?”

  Durham looked a bit sheepish, taking a sudden interest in the carpet.

  “Well, our record is pretty good,” he ventured. “Might be we have this one taken off our hands by the Met. It was really their case to begin with.”

  “Oh well, I wouldn’t let it get to you. You weren’t the only one she led up the garden path,” said Angela, looking at me.

  “Eh?” I stuttered. Cheeky cow.

  There was a twinkle in Angela’s eyes. One I’d seen before, in very different circumstances.

  “Well, I’d best be getting on,” said Durham. “I wanted to give Good an update on developments, seeing how he’s been so heavily involved in things.”

  “Good of you, Durham,” I chipped in. “I’ll likely be around for a couple more days. Give me a bell if Alex, or whatever it is she’s calling herself, does drop into your net. I’d love to hear what she’s got to say for herself.”

  Durham promised me he’d pass on any news, but I suspected he thought the same as me; there’d be no sign of Alex any time soon and maybe not at all. If she could get herself out of the country, that would most likely be the last any of us ever saw of her.

  “He didn’t sound very hopeful, did he?” prompted Angela, as Durham made his way out of the door.

  “Nope. I reckon she’s far too clever for him and his mates.”