Do You Do Extras? (An American in the UK Book 1)

by Nikki Ashton

  That was exactly how I felt – flat and dejected. How could I be so mean, just because Grantley liked my sister? She was beautiful, so why shouldn’t he like her? What would it mean though? What if they fell in love and she moved to Hollywood to be with him? What if I stopped being an idiot and thinking ahead of myself?

  “Okay, great.” Grantley nodded, flashed another smile and left the kitchen.

  “Ooh isn’t he lovely,” Beth gushed and turned back to finally finish the coffee.

  “So come on,” Grantley laughed, running his finger around the rim of a wine glass. “Why Peepee?”

  The boys had long since gone to bed, and the four of us adults were still sitting around the dining table, drinking wine and picking at cold pizza. The boys hadn’t wanted to go to bed. There’d been a lot of cajoling and arguing, but eventually, after Grantley had promised to come to tea again, another time, they’d succumbed, and according to Beth, fallen asleep almost the instant she’d pulled the duvets over them.

  My sister, who was a little squiffy after four glasses of wine, let out a loud burst of laughter at Grantley’s question. I tilted my head and gave her a warning stare.

  “I’m sensing there’s a story here,” Barney chuckled, in his deep baritone as he lifted his glass of Diet Coke to his lips.

  “There isn’t, I promise.” I rolled my eyes and reached for the jug of water, feeling the need to dilute the wine, seeing as the following day was going to be a long one for me. I had to be on set for nine, but would be called sporadically throughout the day until late into the evening.

  “Bullshit,” Grantley said, narrowing his eyes on me and repeating what I’d said to him on our first meeting.

  “There’s no story,” I protested, kicking what I thought was Beth’s shin under the table.

  Grantley jumped. “Ow,” he cried, frowning and pouting all at the same time. “You just kicked me.”

  “I did not.”

  “Yes you did, you thought I was Beth.” He pointed at me and narrowed his eyes. “You were kicking her to keep her mouth shut. Admit it.”

  “No.”

  “Yet again I call bullshit, now spill it, Peepee.”

  Beth snorted and almost spat her wine over the table. Grantley leaned forward and passed her a paper napkin from the lid of the pizza box – I’d tried to put plates out, but Grantley insisted that pizza tasted much better out of the box.

  “You may as well tell us, Phoebe,” he stated, sitting back serenely in his chair. “If you don’t I’ll ask Mack and Callum.”

  I blew out a breath and looked up at the ceiling. He was right, if I didn’t tell him the twins would, and they’d just embellish the story to make it sound worse. Not that it could sound any worse than reality.

  “Oh just tell him, Phoebes,” Beth cried. “It’s funny.”

  “It’s embarrassing,” I griped.

  “Come on,” Barney urged. “Spill it hon’.”

  “Alright.” I tsked, took a gulp of water and cleared my throat. “The boys were only small, around three, and Beth and I had taken them to the zoo.” I looked at Grantley who was grinning and closed my eyes briefly. “Do I have to do this?”

  “Yes!” The three of them chorused.

  “Okay.” I reached for my wine and took a long slug. “Anyway, I was desperate for the loo, so we went to the public toilets and the line for ladies was huge. Apparently the men’s were out of order, so they were having to use the ladies’ and there was an attendant letting men in when they’d finished letting women in and so on, so it was taking an age.”

  “She’s right,” Beth giggled. “The queue was huge.”

  “And what happened?” Grantley asked, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table.

  “Like I said, I was desperate. I asked if I could push to the front, but everyone in that queue, bar none, were absolute tossers and said no. How mean is that?”

  “Yep, real mean,” Barney grumbled.

  “Whatever, keep going.” Grantley moved his hand in a rolling motion urging me to continue.

  “Okay,” I sighed. “Well it was a gorgeous day, really warm and the boys were having the best time ever. We loved it too, didn’t we Beth. In fact,” I said, giving an earnest nod. “Did you know that to let a male giraffe know she’s available for mating, a female giraffe urinates in his mouth?”

  Beth howled with laughter while Barney groaned and muttered something about knowing a few women like that himself – ugh.

  “Stop stalling, Phoebe,” Grantley warned, cutting into what I thought was an extremely interesting conversation about the mating rituals of giraffes.

  I rolled my eyes. “I had to go or was going to wet myself, so decided the only thing to do was to go in one of the bushes near the monkey enclosure.”

  “No way,” Barney laughed. “You didn’t?”

  “Ssh,” Grantley said, waving a hand at Barney. “I need to hear this from Phoebe.”

  “Okay, okay,” I continued. “So I decided to go in the bushes, but I was wearing an all in one thing, it was shorts and a top in one.”

  “A playsuit,” Beth giggled.

  “Yeah a playsuit,” I grimaced. “Stupid thing. Anyway, to be able to pee I had to take it totally off. So, I did and I had the best pee of my life. You know that real sense of pleasure you get when you finally get to empty your bladder, it’s the best feeling ever. You get a little shiver of delight, don’t you?”

  I smiled at them all and took another swig of my water.

  “And.” Grantley pressed. “That is not the whole story, I damn well know it.”

  “Oh no, there’s definitely more.” Beth giggled and poked me in the arm. “Carry on.”

  “I hate you,” I hissed. “Like I said, I had the best pee ever, and was just finishing off when I heard laughing and shouting and then there was this really high pitched screaming.”

  “That big woman with the fat kid,” Beth reminded me.

  “Why were they screaming and shouting?” Barney asked.

  “Because,” I said with a huge swallow. “Because I wasn’t aware that behind me was a wall made up of mirrors and I wasn’t totally hidden by the bushes. Everyone could see my bare arse, with my knickers and playsuit around my ankles while I peed in the bushes. Let me tell you, once I realised, after some kid shouted ‘look at her bum’, I have never peed so fast, there was some force behind it. I actually got my feet a little wet in the process. As for loo roll, well I had one tiny little tissue that I’d already use to wipe ice cream from Mack’s mouth.”

  “So that’s why the guys call you Peepee?” Grantley asked, looking at me intently.

  The look of supreme smugness on his face told me that he knew there was more to it, but my lips were well and truly sealed. That was all he was getting.

  “Noooo,” Beth cried. “It gets better.”

  What the hell happened to family loyalty?

  Grantley’s eyes widened and his gaze shot back to me, the smug look even smugger now that he knew he’d been right all along.

  Some people are simply too confident for their own good.

  “So it’s something much better than you taking a piss in some bushes and showing your ass?”

  “Much better.” Beth snorted before taking a sip of wine.

  “Okay, lay it on us.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “It really isn’t that funny or interesting. That’s it, that’s why the boys call me Peepee, because I had a wee in some bushes at the zoo.”

  “Oh Phoebe, you liar,” Beth cried. “You know it’s so much more and so much funnier than that.”

  I glared at Beth, but she was having far too much fun to care.

  “You may as well tell them.”

  “Yep, you may as well,” Grant chimed in. “If you don’t, Beth will.”

  “Yeah,” Beth added. “And I might embellish it a little too much, so it’s in your own interest really.”

  She was right, if I didn’t spill then she would, and
she’d make it sound so much worse than it was.

  “Okay, okay,” I grumbled. “I was so shocked by the scream I started peeing again. It was like some involuntary fear reflex, but I wasn’t taking care in what I was doing and peed all over my playsuit. So when I pulled it up, encouraged by a couple members of the zoo staff, who had responded to the stupid woman’s pathetic screaming fit, it was wet down the front, right in the crotch area.”

  I banged my head on the table, reliving the shame of dozens of adults and kids firstly seeing my bare arse and then the humiliating sight of my wet crotch.

  “When she came out from behind the bushes,” Beth said around a belly laugh. “The boys pointed at her and shouted ‘Mummy, auntie’s had a peepee. Auntie peepee’.”

  “They shouted it right up until we got home and I was able to change out of my clothes, even though it had dried off by then. The next day, they wouldn’t call me anything else and it stuck. People just assume it’s because they couldn’t say Phoebe when they were smaller, and,” I said, glaring accusingly at Beth, “that’s the version I usually stick to.”

  “But really it’s because you wet yourself,” Beth added helpfully.

  Grantley and Barney were laughing loudly, both with shining eyes – Barney was even clutching his sides.

  “It’s not that funny,” I groaned. “It really isn’t.”

  “Oh shit, it is.” Grantley slapped a hand against the table. “Not only did everyone see your ass, but you pissed yourself, too. That’s damn hilarious.”

  “Yes,” I replied through gritted teeth. “Although if we’re being factually correct, I didn’t actually wet myself in the sense that I didn’t get my knickers down quick enough. It was only because I was shocked and missed my aim.”

  I let out a long breath, hopeful they’d laugh for a few more minutes and then forget about it. But, trust my sister to make matters horrendous.

  “That’s not the best bit,” Beth said, nudging me a little forcefully and almost pushing me off my chair. “Tell them the rest.”

  “What, there’s more?” Grantley asked, his eyebrows shooting up.

  “We got thrown out of the zoo.” I gave Beth a glare, silently warning her I’d get her back someday.

  “Shit, you were escorted from a kid’s zoo. Did they handcuff you?”

  “No Barney, they didn’t handcuff me, but the security guard wanted to call the police and have me done for indecent exposure. Luckily, his friend thought I was cute, so I gave him my number, flirted my way out of there and then blocked his number once I got home.”

  I looked around the table and huffed at the three imbeciles laughing uproariously at my nightmare.

  “Tell…tell…tell them the other bit,” Beth said in between gasps.

  “No!” I snapped, glaring even harder at her.

  Sometimes a tiny piece of evil showed through my sister’s charming personality, and this was one of those occasions.

  “Shit, there’s more,” Grantley cried. “What else? Ah fuck, this is priceless.”

  “No, it’s not. It’s a hideous nightmare I desperately tried to forget, and almost had until my beloved sister decided it would be a great after dinner story.”

  “You tell us, Beth,” Barney insisted, wheezing out another laugh.

  Beth looked at me and burst out laughing.

  “I hate you more now than I did two minutes ago, and I’ll hate you even more tomorrow,” I growled at my sister. “You may as well tell them.”

  “While Phoebe was peeing, with her bum on show,” Beth said, looking between Grantley and Barney. “The chimpanzees were watching.”

  “And?”

  “And,” she continued. “They obviously liked what they saw because two of them were wanking off and pointing at her.”

  Grantley gasped and looked at me with his mouth agape. “No way, please tell me you didn’t cause the chimps to throw one out.”

  With shame and mortification, I slowly nodded my head.

  “Yes,” I replied, quietly. “My name is Phoebe Jane Drinkwater and I made a chimpanzee masturbate and I am deeply ashamed.”

  Grantley, Beth, and Barney roared with laughter, all doubling over and clutching their sides, each other, and the table to stop themselves from falling off their seats.

  “Hey,” Grantley finally said amidst huge roars of laughter. “Did they ask if you do extras?”

  “Haha, very funny.”

  “Oh shit,” Beth squealed. “Now I’m going to pee myself. Do you do extras, that’s so funny; you know because you’re an extra.”

  “Yes, Beth, I get it,” I bitched through gritted teeth.

  “One thing’s for sure,” Grantley said.

  “And what would that be?” I sighed, knowing it was going to be some crappy joke.

  “At least you can say you’ve had monkey sex.”

  As everyone rolled around, I sat back in my chair and watched them. I wanted to be mad, but I hadn’t seen Beth this happy or laughing so much since – well since, I’d peed in the bushes at the zoo and the chimps had wanked off because they fancied my peachy little arse. I also realised how Grantley looked even more beautiful with a smile on his face.

  At that moment, I felt happy and content and was really glad that two little boys had melted Grantley James’ hard exterior, because ultimately it had caused my gorgeous sister to forget her worries and laugh like a drain.

  Grantley

  It was almost eleven-thirty when Barney and I left Beth’s house, and we’d had a great evening. Yeah, it had mostly been at Phoebe’s expense over the whole Peepee affair, but props to her-she’d taken it like a man.

  “Shit,” I muttered as Barney drove us through the quiet streets, back toward Manchester. “I’ve got a voicemail from Marcia.”

  Barney grimaced as I put my cell to my ear.

  “She’s probably heard you bailed on dinner.”

  “Probably.”

  I was supposed to have gone to dinner with a British director who thought I’d be ‘just perfect’ for his upcoming World War 2 comedy. I mean come on, firstly, how the fuck do you joke about a damn war, and secondly, me-do comedy – nope, not a chance. I barely cracked a smile on a daily basis, never mind a fucking joke. Although, it had to be said, I’d laughed and smiled plenty around Beth’s dinner table.

  I hit the button to listen to my messages and heard the ladylike words of my agent.

  “Grantley, you little fucker,” she snapped, in her thirty smokes a day growl. “I set that fucking dinner up for you and you get Barnabus to tell the guy you’re ill with the fucking craps. What the fuck is going on? You no more have the craps than I have an intact hymen. Ring me as soon as you get this, you lying little cunt.”

  And that, ladies & gentleman, was my mild-mannered agent. People often asked why I put up with her, the answer – she loves me and treated me more like a son than my own mother ever had. Yes, she was foul-mouthed and pissed with me most of the time, but she cared.

  “Ooh, she’s mad,” Barney said, having heard every word.

  “Yep, but isn’t she always.” I pressed the delete button and turned off my phone. “She knows I don’t want to do the movie, so I have no idea why she set the meeting up in the first place.”

  “Her own commission, I’m guessing.”

  “Yeah well, she’s going to have to rethink that one. I’ve told her if I’m going to do anything in between this and the next Addison Yates movie, it has to be something with depth.”

  I was planning for my future and Marcia knew that, but God loved a trier, and she tried more than most to get her own way. While I enjoyed playing Addison and it payed damn well and had given me a level of fame that most actors dreamed about, it was pretty easy to do. I didn’t have to put much characterization into Mr. Yates – he was basically me with a gun and fast cars. I’d signed on for four movies in total, so besides the one we were currently filming, I had two more to go. After that I was saying adios to Mr. Yates, so I needed to make sure peo
ple in the industry knew I was actually a good actor, not just someone who looked great fighting bad guys while wearing a dress suit.

  “Was tonight worth it?” Barney asked. “Pissing Marcia off and maybe losing out on a role, I mean.”

  I shot my gaze to him. “Yep. Most definitely. Don’t tell me you didn’t have fun.”

  “Oh yeah,” he chuckled. “I sure did, but I’m not the one who was supposed to be meeting an important director.”

  “He’s not important,” I snapped. “Not to me anyway. He’s important to Marcia.”

  Barney glanced at me, momentarily taking his eyes off the road. “So, you got a thing for her then?”

  “Who, Marcia?”

  I knew what he meant - fucker.

  “Yes, fucking sixty-year-old Marcia, who eats more than I do, has the manners of a caveman, and has bigger balls than both of our nut-sacks put together. Fucking Phoebe, and you know it.”

  I inhaled deeply and felt my heart miss a couple of beats. It had fucking snuck up on me, so damn stealthily even I’d been surprised. Yeah, I’d thought she was hot and pretty, but I also thought she was fucking annoying as hell. It wasn’t until I’d seen the prick with the beard ogling her that I’d realised I felt something in my gut. Not jealousy because, and it may make me sound like a douchebag, that guy was no threat to me if I wanted Phoebe. No, what I felt was something akin to how I’d felt as a kid, when Bobby Turner from down the street rode my skateboard – a skateboard I’d bought with all my tips I’d saved from the job I had delivering newspapers. Now, when I tell you folks only tip the newsboy at Christmas or Thanksgiving that shows how long I’d damn well saved for. So, when Bobby did a perfect Railside on my coveted board, I felt sick with the need to claim her back – she was my board, not his, and he had no rights putting his fucking dirty, grubby Chuck on her, never mind get her to do a trick that I still hadn’t quite mastered. That’s how I felt when Declan, the prick, ogled Phoebe’s tits.

  “You gonna answer me?” Barney asked with more than a hint of damn laughter in his voice. “Do you have a thing for Phoebe? Or maybe it’s her sister, you were kind of looking at Beth as though she’d just saved the planet.”