If I'd Known

by Paige P. Horne

  ____

  The cold winter wind hits my face as I walk out onto the small porch. Travis is talking with my sister, Natalie’s, husband. His hands are shoved into his jean pockets, and there is a slump in his shoulders. We have just finished Thanksgiving dinner, and it’s the first time he has really been around my whole family. I know he has to be uncomfortable, but he still has that laid-back look that only Travis Cole can pull off. I watch as they walk and talk until the bitter cold becomes too much and I go inside.

  Later, we sneak out together and share the back seat of his car. It’s cold out, but I’ve never been warmer wrapped up in his loving arms. I draw small circles on his chest and listen to the beat of his heart as he lies quietly. Something is off, but I don’t mention it, afraid he might be thinking of going back home. I’m not stupid. I know Travis loves me, but I also know he’s getting homesick. He gave up everything for me. Dropped it all without question and I love him more for it.

  Weeks have passed, and my birthday comes and goes. I’m now eighteen, but still living with Mama. I can’t leave her. She has no one else, and the thought of her being alone makes my heart ache. But Travis is getting more restless, and the day finally comes when he’s had enough.

  It’s December, and Christmas is near. Travis has just woken up from his nap, and I got off work a little early. Mama is out, probably thinking I’m still at the Bantam Chef, because she would never leave us alone. I’m in an apron, preparing a cake for us all to eat later, when he comes walking in, barefoot, no shirt on, and sleepy hair. He’s the definition of sexy, and just the sight of him makes me want to forget the cake and take him to bed, but I have to control my teenage hormones, not knowing when Mama will walk in.

  “Hey,” I say as I wipe my flour-covered hands on my apron.

  “Baby, we need to talk,” he says as he pulls a chair out from the kitchen table.

  “Okay.” I sit down, too, and he runs a hand through his hair.

  His eyes narrow, and he searches my face. Concern bubbles up inside of me like a festering wound.

  “Back at Thanksgiving, your brother-in-law asked me what my intentions were with you.”

  “Really?” I ask, scrunching up my face in embarrassment. Why would he do that? I run my fingers over my lips, looking down at the table.

  “I want us to have a life together…” He pauses too long after he says those words, and I want to scream because I know there’s more.

  “But what?” I question.

  “But…I’m just not sure right now,” he says. “Your family will never accept me, and I’ve tried everything to show them my feelings for you are real.” He runs a hand over the stubble on his face and leans up, resting his elbows on the table. “I miss my family, and I know you’re never going to leave your mama. I just…I think I’m going to go back home and figure things out.”

  I stare, dumbfounded, as my heart shatters. Tears immediately spring to my eyes, and I turn my head, glancing down to the floor. My knee starts to bounce as my nerves flare up, and I grab ahold of it, trying to make it stop. The back door opens, and Mama walks in.

  “Charlotte, why are you crying?”

  I quickly slide my chair back and run to my room.

  “Charlotte,” Travis calls after me, but I can’t think right now, much less talk. Travis is leaving me, and there’s really nothing I can do about it.

  _____

  “Nothing you could do about it?” Maggie says. “You could have left your mama’s and moved in with the boy.”

  “Now, Maggie, you know, just like I do, these were different times. Besides, I was scared and so young.”

  “But you were eighteen,” Cynthia says. “It was clear he wanted you to decide something.”

  “And do you two think I don’t regret not leaving? I think about it every day. What would my life be like if I would have turned left? What would it be like if I would have gotten some courage and taken a chance with Travis? But I’m too old for regrets. I made my choices, and they are choices I have to live with every day.” I get up off the bed and make my way to the door.

  “Where are you going this time of night?” Maggie asks.

  “I need to be alone,” I reply as I grab the hotel key and car keys from the dresser. I open the door and walk out onto the sidewalk, breathing in the warm night air. Tears well up inside my eyes, and I let them fall as I open the car door and sit inside.

  I grip onto the steering wheel until my fingers ache, and I cry. I cry for missed moments and stolen time. For every stupid choice I made that led me here—alone and brokenhearted.

  I cry because life isn’t fair, and sometimes I fucking hate it. I sob until my ribs ache and I’m too tired to do anything else. I let myself fall completely apart, and then Mama’s words come into my mind. “Things could always be worse, Charlotte. Count your blessings.”

  I sniff and lean back in the seat. Taking in a shaky breath, I look ahead. Things could be worse, and I have many blessings in my life, but sometimes it’s hard to care about the good. Sometimes you only want to think about the bad and let yourself sulk, and right now that’s exactly what I want to do.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I shield my eyes from the bright sun and pull my sun visor down. That familiar sound of a beer popping open turns my attention to the driver’s seat, and Travis smiles.

  “It’s beer thirty, baby.”

  I laugh as he drives us home. Home. He’ll be living with me now. William, Elizabeth, and me. I look down at my current Janet book and can’t help the smile that spreads across my lips. I turn my head slightly to look at him again.

  He rests his hand on the bottom of the wheel like he used to when we were seventeen riding in his GTO. Relaxed and calm as always on the outside, but he’s expressed his feelings about meeting my son, so I know he’s nervous. He knows if William doesn’t like him this can’t work, but I know my son will love him, so I’m not worried.

  He turns the volume up on the radio and starts singing along to an Allman Brothers’ song. His raspy voice croons away, until he starts coughing.

  “Damn cough won’t go away,” he says after catching his breath. He rubs his throat and sets the beer down in the cup holder.

  “I guess my niece gave me her strep throat,” he says, pulling out his smokes from his front pocket, and I think some things never change.

  “I love you, baby,” I say to him as he lights his nicotine.

  “I know.” He smiles that crooked smile my heart has missed for over thirty years, and it flutters fiercely. It’s been in a deep sleep, my heart. Waiting patiently for the day it could wake up, and because of him, it finally has. My attention turns to the radio as it starts making a weird, loud vibrating noise. Bzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzz.

  My eyes fly open at the sound, and I see Maggie’s phone vibrating like crazy against the wood of the table. I exhale and look at the time. It’s early, and the sun is barely peeking its way between the thick curtains. Maggie reaches over and shuts the thing off, and I turn on my back and stare at the ceiling. Flashes of my life play in my mind, and after last night’s meltdown, I’ve come to a conclusion.

  I’ve played it safe nearly my whole life, and look where it’s gotten me. Sure, I have a good life, but I’ve never taken any real chances. I didn’t turn left at that stop sign. I drove to Indiana and then came back to Florida, only for Mama to move us back to Georgia. I didn’t ask Travis to stay. I didn’t tell him I’d move out and we could start a life together. So many things, and time has flown by.

  I sit up and look over at Maggie.

  “You okay?” she asks.

  “I wanna dye my hair,” I reply. I look when Cynthia sits up, her purple locks in a tangled cute mess.

  “I’m down with that.”

  I smile and throw off my covers. “That’ll be my thing I’ve never done.”

  “You’ve never dyed your hair?” Maggie asks.

  “Not purple.” I smile.

  “Purple?” Maggie says i
n disbelief.

  “Yep. My favorite color.”

  “We’ll be twins!” Cynthia squeals, getting out of bed and stretching. “I’ll write down what we need, and we’ll get them when we get to Florida.”

  “Sounds good to me,” I say, walking into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and walk over to the sink. Resting my hands on the counter, I look in the mirror and smile. “Charlotte Harris, you are finally back.”

  ____

  “Sorry I wasn’t in town, Mom,” William says to me as we ride down the interstate headed to Florida.

  “That’s okay. I know you and Elizabeth stay busy. Maybe I can swing by on the way back?”

  “That sounds good. We’ll go out to eat.”

  “Okay. I love you, son. I’ll call when we get to our hotel later on.”

  “Love you. Drive safe.”

  I hang up the phone and put it on the charger. Cynthia has her hot pink toes hanging out the window, and Maggie chews on a piece of licorice as she reads my Janet book.

  “You didn’t tell me this shit was funny,” Maggie says, looking up at me. She shuts the book.

  “Why are you stopping then?” I ask.

  “I’m getting carsick, and I want to hear more of your story.”

  “Yes!” Cynthia agrees. “So, Travis told you he was going back home?”

  I exhale and rub my thumbs over the steering wheel. “Yeah, and he did.”

  ____

  December 1973

  We sit at the bus station because the GTO died. It was going to cost too much to fix it, and Travis hadn’t had a chance to get another vehicle yet. I stare ahead with blurry tear-filled eyes.

  “I can’t help but wonder if this is it for us,” I say.

  “It’s not, baby. I’m going to come back and visit. I just need to be with my family right now.”

  “I thought I was your family,” I say, looking over at him. I feel it when the tears tumble down my cheeks.

  He grabs my hand in his. “You’re everything,” he says. “This has nothing to do with you. I just need this. I love you.” I look down, but he puts his hand under my chin. “I love you, Charlotte.” He stares into my soul like only he can, but this time it crushes me.

  “My heart’s breaking.”

  “I’ll fix it,” he says, pulling me to him and pressing his lips to mine. Our kiss is mixed with salty heartbreak and raw love, sad goodbyes and promises of I’ll be back. We hold each other until the bus comes, and then I watch him leave me, yet again.

  The next few weeks are a blur. I’m as far down as I can be, and nothing makes sense anymore. We had it all figured out. We had everything planned—the white fence and front porch swing. Now my future seems to be blank, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I go to work at the Bantam Chef, and I come home. Sadly, I can’t even talk to him because it’s long distance. I’m devastated. I’m a wreck. I’m hopelessly heartbroken.

  I’m cleaning up at work when my friend and co-worker Sam comes walking from the back.

  “You gonna come out with me tonight?” she asks like she does every weekend, but I still don’t feel up to it.

  “Maybe next weekend,” I reply.

  “Girl, you’ve got to get over this. You’re young, and that doesn’t last forever.”

  “I know. I just miss him.”

  “He isn’t gone, gone, silly. And I’m sure he isn’t sitting at home every night.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask her.

  Sam rolls her eyes. “I just mean, I bet he’s going out with his friends like you should be.” She lifts her purse from under the counter. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says, walking toward the door. “Call me if you change your mind.”

  ____

  “I didn’t change my mind that night. But two weekends later, I did. I danced and had a little too much to drink and, believe it or not, I actually had a good time, but nothing compared to the weekend after, because guess who came back?”

  Cynthia grins.

  “Go on,” Maggie says excitedly from the back seat.

  I smile and dart my eyes to the rearview mirror. Looking back at the road, I say, “He got a hotel room in Gray, and I lied to Mama and told her I was staying at Sam’s.”

  ____

  January 1974

  “Fuck, I missed you.” He hoists me up onto the dresser and pulls my legs around him. My ankles link behind his back, and I kiss him. Gripping his hair, I pull him closer to me, never getting enough. He reaches down and undoes his belt and pants. I lift up and quickly slide my jeans and panties down my legs, stepping out of them just before he lifts me back up again. The lamp on the dresser shakes and crashes to the floor, leaving tiny cracks of sunshine shining through the closed curtains, our only light.

  He places his hand onto the side of my face and completely takes over my lips, mind, body, and soul. His other reaches between my thighs, and my eyes close while my mouth goes slack against his as he sinks.

  We’re frantic breaths of air, swollen lips, making up for missed kisses, sweet sighs, and falling into a space where we only exist. I brace myself on the dresser top as he pushes forward, pressing me into the wall. Pleasure and sadness fight each other inside of me because I know this won’t last forever and he’ll be leaving me once again, but he forces those thoughts away as he bites my bottom lip and takes me to a place where we’re not too young, my family doesn’t hate him, and happily ever after is all there is for us.

  We laugh and talk about everything until the winter sun goes down, and then we get wrapped up in each other’s arms again.

  Travis ventures out for some beer, and we drink as we pass a joint back and forth.

  “Life going okay for you here?” he asks me as he tokes on the weed.

  “I miss you,” I reply, picking at the label on my beer.

  “Yeah,” he says in sad agreement. “I miss you, too, girl.”

  The weekend passes, and Travis leaves me. Days and nights intertwine and pass with hardly any words spoken between us. I work, go out a few times, and sit in my room listening to records while I lie on my bedroom floor dreaming of a day we can be together again.

  ____

  April 1974

  Spring gives us rain and pretty flowers, and I’m closing up the Bantam Chef when I hear a horn blow. I look out the window, and my heart skips a beat when I see a brown-haired boy getting out. I run to the door and around the building, my pulse quickening when he shows his dimples and that gorgeous crooked smile. I squeal and jump into his arms. He holds me by my bottom while I take possession of his kissable lips.

  He pulls away and touches his forehead to mine. “Let’s go,” he says as I slide down his body.

  We take a long drive through the countryside, listening to music and holding hands. He pulls down a dirt road, and I laugh when he turns and drives through an enormous field. He stops and smiles over at me. “This will do,” he says, shutting the car off and getting out. I open my door as he pops the trunk, and I see he has our beach blanket. It makes me miss the waves and reminds me of how much life has changed. How far away all of that seems now.

  We lie in the field until the stars come out, and we kiss until our lips ache.

  “One day it won’t be like this,” he says in a low voice.

  “One day,” I reply.

  ____

  The next day, I’m sitting at the counter at work while Travis strums his guitar out in front. He sits in a chair and cuts up with a few friends he made when he was staying here. They’re day drinking, secretly sipping on whiskey from glass Coke bottles they half-emptied and refilled with the nasty stuff. Travis puts down his guitar, and I watch as he walks up to the counter.

  “Hey, girl,” he says all cool and easy-going.

  “Hey, boy,” I reply just as casual.

  “You wanna get out of here?”

  I look at the clock on the wall and see I have twenty more minutes before my shift ends.

  “Go on,” Sam says. I grin.

&n
bsp; “Thanks!” I hit the time clock and exit the building. He stands at his car waiting on me.

  “Y’all leaving?” one of the guys asks.

  “Yeah, man. Me and my girl need a little alone time.” He winks at me and says, “You drive.” He tosses me the keys. I fumble them.

  “Me?” I ask, surprised.

  “Yeah.”

  I shrug. “All right.”

  We head down Gray Highway with the music blasting and me behind the wheel. I can feel the power of the car as it vibrates my seat and Travis says, “Hit the gas!” I press the clutch and shift it into fourth gear. We haul ass and Travis leans out the window, yelling and throwing his hand up. I laugh, never feeling such a rush of freedom and excitement. Travis is my wild side, my bad boy, and everything I love in this life.

  ____

  September 1974

  With each day, week, and month that passes without me seeing Travis, I’m reminded that life goes on, and that the greatest love story I have ever known might be just that…something that I once knew. I’ve been going out a lot lately with some of my friends and, believe it or not, I’ve gone on a date because I can’t keep doing this. I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes you just have to let go.

  ____

  November 1974

  I turn nineteen today, and to celebrate Mama bakes me a cake and we have some family over. I’m walking out of the bathroom when I hear my brother Billy talking with Mama.

  “You’ve got to let her do her own thing, Mama.”

  I step back so they can’t see me and listen to their conversation.

  “I don’t like her going out like she does.”

  “But she’s not a kid anymore, and if you don’t let her, she’s just going to do it behind your back,” he replies. I could kiss the ground he walks on. Mama is still keeping a tight hold on me, and I’m sick of it. I have been going out behind her back and seeing Travis the few times he’s come up here. I hear her sigh, so I walk back down the hall to my room, but then the telephone rings. I nearly twist my ankle running to grab it off the hook.