If I'd Known

by Paige P. Horne

  “Those were some dark times. One night, I found myself sitting on the bed, and Travis’ words came to mind. “Tell him he better make you happy. That’s all I ever wanted.” At that moment, I was far from happy. I was scared, alone, and wondering how I was going to keep the lights on, so I called my cousin Laura, which was Jennie’s sister, who just so happened to be married to Travis’ brother.”

  “Damn, it’s a small world,” Maggie says.

  “That it is,” I agree. “I called her and got Travis’ phone number. She only had their parents’ number so I called them. His stepdad answered, and as soon as I asked if Travis was around, he said no and hung up. And that was that.”

  “Nothing else after that?” Cynthia asks.

  “Nope. Not for a long time.” A guy moves in between Cynthia and me, trying to get a drink. He looks over at her and grins.

  “Can I get you another one of those?”

  “Sure,” she says. I peek over at Maggie, who has a big cheesy smile on her face. I laugh inwardly and take the last sip of my second piña colada, thinking about times long ago when a guy would buy me a drink.

  ____

  The evening flies by, and Cynthia is pretty drunk. I’ve never seen the girl like this, and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s near Lit and she’s anxious or she just wants to have fun. Either way, it’s entertaining to Maggie and me. But of course, Maggie is drunk, too, so mainly it’s entertaining to me. I did finish one more drink, though, so there’s a slight buzz going on my way, too.

  “I’m gonna do it!” Cynthia says.

  “I’ve got it right here,” Maggie chimes in, squinting her eyes at her cell phone.

  “Got what?” I ask. “Put your glasses on,” I tell her, lifting them up from her neck. She slides them on, and I laugh because they’re crooked.

  “The number,” she says.

  “What number?” I ask.

  “Lit’s. Woman, where have you been?” Maggie says, swaying in her seat.

  “I was in the bathroom, remember? You’re going to fall off that thing in a minute.”

  “Oh, quit your whining,” she says, dismissing me with her hand.

  “I’m not whining. You asked me a question, dummy.”

  “Name calling is not nice,” Cynthia slurs.

  “Give me that phone,” she says, trying to grab it from Maggie.

  “Wait,” I say. “You’re going to call him?”

  “Yep, because there are some words we need to say.”

  “What words are you going to say?”

  She looks up as if she’s waiting for a light bulb to come on in that brain of hers. “I’ll figure that out when they come to me.” She successfully grabs the phone from Maggie this time and closes one eye. I laugh and so does Maggie.

  “Cynthia, you are ten sheets to the wind. You sure about doing this?”

  “Yep.” She taps the screen with her index finger and puts it to her ear.

  “It’s ringing.” She grins.

  We’re in the hallway near the bathroom, so it’s not as loud. I hear a man’s voice. Cynthia’s eyes grow wide as her brows draw together. The girl’s face turns as white as a sheet.

  “Sorry. Wrong number!” She quickly hangs up and squeezes her eyes shut. “What the hell did I just do?”

  Chapter Nineteen

  The morning comes, and I jump up and grab breakfast for my two hungover girls. A large Coca-Cola for me, coffee for Cynthia with more cream and sugar than actual coffee, and a fruit smoothie for Maggie. A sausage biscuit for me, yogurt for Maggie, and a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit for Cynthia. I also have headache meds in my purse, so maybe it’ll help. I’m not sure what to do about the guilt Cynthia is feeling from drunk calling Lit, but maybe time can work that out.

  After we eat and get dressed, Maggie calls her friend, and we find out that Lit is down by the Bridge of Lions, which is literally walking distance for the younger women. Me, not so much. There’s my back to consider—and she says not today—so we find a parking spot, and Cynthia keeps her newspaper-framed sunglasses on. She’s in a pair of leggings and a long shirt that reads Coffee Before Talky. Her purple hair is thrown up into a messy bun, and she skipped makeup altogether today. I’m not sure if she is trying to disguise herself or it’s the hangover keeping her from giving a shit.

  Archie pees on a post and sniffs around while we search for Lit’s boat, which is named The Cynthia Rose. Yeah, that little bit of info has kept Cynthia from talking even after her coffee.

  “There.” Maggie points. I look to where she is pointing and, sure enough, there it sits, bobbing in the water.

  We stand, not saying a word, as a young man sprays the deck. He’s good-looking. That’s easy to see. Tan, dark hair. I jump when I hear a dog bark, and then I see him running full blast right toward Archie.

  “Gunner!” Lit shouts toward the dog. I look back at him and see him throw the water hose down. Gunner gets a real good sniff of Archie before Lit lets out a loud whistle. He then takes off back toward his owner, who is walking this way.

  “Shit!” Cynthia says. “I’ve gotta get out of here!” She turns and heads straight back to the car.

  “Sorry ’bout that,” Lit says, making it over to us. “He loves other dogs.”

  “Oh, it’s no problem. Archie doesn’t mind,” Maggie says with a sly smile. He smiles back and, whoa, I’m glad my brain thinks more now before it allows me to speak. I see his eyes shoot toward Cynthia’s back and then he narrows them.

  “Hope we didn’t run her off,” he says as he puts the leash on Gunner.

  “Oh no, she and I tied one on last night, and she’s feeling it today,” Maggie says.

  He nods. “Well, if you’re ever interested in deep-sea fishing, give me a call.” He slides his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans and pulls a business card out. “Name’s Lit,” he says, reaching his hand out.

  I shake it, and then Maggie does, too. “I’m Charlotte, and this is my friend Maggie.”

  “And the other one who’s hungover?” He grins.

  “Oh, that’s Cyn,” Maggie says, and I look at her with wide eyes. What the fuck, Maggie?!

  “Cyn?” he asks.

  “Yep,” I reply quickly. “We’ll keep you in mind if we ever wanna take that fishing trip. Take care.”

  He nods and rubs his chin. “Good to meet you,” he says contemplatively. I yank on Maggie’s arm, and we walk back to the car.

  “What in the hell was that?” I ask her under my breath.

  “I put my foot in my mouth again,” she says.

  ____

  We jump on A1A Beach Blvd, taking the scenic route toward Fort Pierce. We’ve been on the road for over two hours now, and I can’t believe I’m going back. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the pretty white sand of my teenage years. The ocean stretches out for miles and miles to the left of me, and I take in the view of the crashing waves. I’ve driven this road several times, some with Travis, and I can almost feel the rumble beneath my seat from the roaring engine of his GTO. The feel of his fingers between mine, and I’d give anything to see that crooked smile and those dimples again.

  Cynthia’s arm stretching up causes me to look in the rearview.

  “My whole arm is numb,” she says with a groggy voice. “And I’m sure I drooled a river back here.”

  “Ewww,” I say to her.

  She kinda laughs and then yawns. “Car sleep is the best.”

  “We grabbed you a burger,” I tell her. “And there are some water bottles in the cooler or a Coca-Cola.”

  “Thank God,” she says.

  “Do you feel better?” Maggie asks.

  “Yes, I guess I just needed a nap. How much longer do we have?”

  “About an hour or so, because we stopped to let Archie pee and grabbed some food.” Maggie hands her the takeout bag, and I hear her pop the top on her drink.

  “So, I kinda did a thing,” Maggie says after a minute. I look over at her.

 
“I accidentally told Lit that your name is Cyn.” She turns her head and looks back at Cynthia. I glance in the rearview.

  “Well, I drunk called him, so it is what it is,” she replies over the burger in her mouth. Maggie giggles, and I smirk. Cynthia swallows her food and then starts laughing.

  “Good Lord, we are something, ain’t we?” I say as I begin to laugh, too. Laughing is contagious, and finding good friends to do it with is a rarity in this life. I’m lucky that I’ve found these two…but I guess they really found me.

  ____

  I stand outside of my car as we look up at the empty spot of land our house used to sit on. Holding onto the doorframe, my vision blurs from unshed tears as I remember the day Mama moved us away from here. I was so young and so in love, still, so in love.

  I see a girl with hair as straight as the ironing board I used to iron it on—because that was the thing to do in the seventies— running out of the house with tears streaming down her face because she couldn’t keep the pain inside. Mama lied to me, told me she would let us see each other just so she could get me home and move us back to Georgia. Till this day that still stings a little, but the joke was on her, because my Travis would have moved mountains to be with me. Sadly, in the end, he didn’t have enough strength to hardly move a feather.

  I exhale and blink, letting the tears flow and quickly patting my face dry so the girls won’t see.

  “I wish the house was still here,” Cynthia says.

  “Me, too,” I say sadly. “So many memories inside that house.”

  “It’s a nice spot to have one,” Maggie says as Archie lies at her feet scratching his ear.

  I still as a familiar rumbling sounds in the distance, and as the train grows nearer, I smile because it almost feels like I’m seventeen again, the house is still here, and Travis Cole is parked down the road waiting to take me on an adventure. God, how I wish that were true.

  ____

  It’s late in the evening now, and Cynthia sits out on the balcony of our hotel room with her typewriter while Maggie and Archie nap in the room. I stare ahead as the sun begins to set, causing the sky to turn beautiful shades of violet-blue and warm yellow. I bury my toes down into the thick white sand and rest my book on my lap.

  My eyes look to the water, and a vision of Travis lifting me up and twirling me around plays in my head. Water drops from his strong jawline, and he gently places his hand on the side of my neck. His lips touch mine, and I remember the chills that spread across my young skin.

  I sigh and close my eyes, breathing easy as I listen to the calmness of the waves.

  The TV plays in the living room, and I hear sounds of laughter coming from William and Elizabeth. I love to hear them laugh, and I smile when I look over at Travis. His shirt is off, and he has his blue jean covered ankles crossed with bare feet resting on our bed. Our bed… For so long, it was a bed I slept in alone. Toward the end of our marriage, John slept in the living room and me in the bedroom…alone. But not anymore. Now I have Travis Cole beside me every night and, God, I wouldn’t change this for the world.

  I turn my body toward him and run my hand over the small amount of hair on his chest. He looks at me and gives me a small smile. I move closer, reaching up and pressing my lips to the side of his warm neck. My hands have a mind of their own as they venture south, and then I feel his grip onto mine.

  “The kids are in the living room,” he says.

  “We’ll be quiet,” I reply as I continue spreading sweet kisses over his skin. This time he doesn’t stop me, and as we slowly get tangled up in each other, I think, please, God, don’t ever let this stop.

  “Charlotte,”

  “Hmm?”

  “Wake up.”

  “Wake up? I am awake.”

  “Charlotte.”

  I hear Cynthia’s voice and instantly grow confused. Why is she here?

  “Charlotte, the tide is moving in. You’re about to be swimming.”

  I blink my eyes open as a wave of water comes rushing toward my chair. “Shit,” I say, grabbing my book and quickly but disastrously pushing myself up just before the wave takes over my chair. Cynthia scrambles to grab it. She laughs as her legs get soaked and I regain my balance.

  “Thank God I came when I did,” she says, fighting with the water to pull the chair behind her. “You’d be out there with the fishes.”

  I chuckle. “Man, I was having a good dream.”

  “I could tell. You were smiling.”

  “Well, it was a really good dream.”

  She folds my chair up, and I notice the sun is all but gone now, leaving only the bright moonlight.

  “I must have been out for a while,” I say.

  “You’ve been down here for over an hour. Maggie and I are hungry. I’ve got everything typed up that we’ve talked about,” she says as we make our way to the hotel.

  “That’s great. How’s it coming?”

  “Good. I’ve narrowed it down a lot, but I’ve got to know more. How does this end? I mean, obviously, he isn’t with you anymore.”

  “No, you’re right about that,” I reply.

  “I’m worried something bad happened,” she says, looking down at the sand.

  “How about we get down to it tonight?”

  “Sounds good to me,” she says as I slowly follow behind her young self. I’ve got to walk more.

  ____

  We sit out on the deck of the restaurant. A small candle rests on the table, its light reflecting off the outside walls of the Seafood Shack. Maggie enjoys crab legs while Cynthia has fried shrimp. I have chicken tenders because I’m not a seafood lover.

  Maggie cracks a leg, and some flies across the table. “Oops,” she says, laughing. “I’ve never been that good at this.”

  “I don’t see why you want to eat something you have to work to get,” I say, tossing the piece of leg back over to her.

  “They’re absolutely delicious, Charlotte. Have you ever tried them?”

  “No, and before you ask, the answer is no. I do not want to.”

  She huffs and rolls her eyes.

  “You two are like an old married couple,” Cynthia says, squirting lemon onto her shrimp.

  “Sometimes it feels that way,” I reply.

  Maggie grins, and after a moment she says, “Changing the subject here, but what are you going to do about that boy, Cynthia?”

  Cynthia sighs. “I don’t know. I guess I need to talk to him. I just don’t know what to say.”

  I look over at Maggie before I say, “Do you blame him for the accident?”

  “No,” she replies quickly. “I blame myself.”

  “But you know you shouldn’t, right?” Maggie says.

  Cynthia looks down. “Yes. I’ve just done it for so long, that it’s all I know.”

  “What happened that day was no one’s fault. It was a freak accident. Things like that happen every day, and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. You need to focus on that, and if you don’t blame him, and it’s clear you still have feelings for him and him you, you need to call him. He’s probably still hurting, too.”

  “Is that why you don’t carry a cell phone?” Maggie asks.

  Cynthia looks over at her. “Yes.”

  She nods and continues cracking her crab legs. “Thought so. But you know you can shut that thing off while you’re driving. Cell phones are good to have for emergencies. You’re a smart girl. You need to have a cell phone.”

  “Okay, Mom,” Cynthia says sarcastically.

  “Hey, I just worry, is all. What if you get a flat and are out in the middle of nowhere? You never know about these things.”

  “You’re right,” Cynthia agrees. “I may look into it.”

  “So, are you going to call him?” I ask.

  “How about we stop back by on the way home?”

  I smile. “I think that’s a great idea.”

  She nods. “Now that that’s decided,” she reaches for her polka dot bag and pulls h
er Polaroid camera out, “let’s get a photo.”

  ____

  The summer breeze wraps around the back of my neck, causing my hair to lift up as we walk down the pier. Our bellies are full, and my mind is overwhelmed with all the nostalgia this place brings. I tell Maggie and Cynthia about things that happened long ago, and Cynthia captures more photos from her camera. We sit on a bench, and Cynthia props her feet up on one of the wooden boards.

  With bright flashlights, people hunt for crabs down below us on the beach. I slide my hands into the pockets of my light jacket as we sit in silence for a while, just enjoying the calmness the ocean brings.

  I think back on everything I’ve told my girls about my life story and realize that the next part isn’t going to be as easy to tell. But Cynthia is writing this, and summer is coming to an end so she needs to get it all down. I want nothing but success for her. It’s hard to believe that I was so hell-bent on her leaving me alone those first few weeks, and now I couldn’t imagine my life without her quirky self in it. I’m glad that she came into my life because I realize how much I needed her and how much she needed us.

  People are important. We think that we are better off without them sometimes, but the truth is, without them, we’re nothing but empty shells walking around this earth. People give us feelings and a reason to get up in the morning. For most of my teenage years, Travis Cole was my reason to get up, and then my son became my reason.

  Since William started his own life, I haven’t really had any reason to want to start my day, but these two women have given me a new look on life. Now I have a new purpose, and this time I get up for myself.

  Chapter Twenty

  After dinner and our walk, we head back to the hotel room and each take a shower before climbing into bed. Cynthia pulls out her pen and notebook, and I get ready to start the last part of my story. With a heavy heart, I recall all the details, from the moment I first spoke to him after thirty years, to the moment I told him that it was okay to go…and once again, my memories play out like a movie on a projector screen, taking me back to a road trip my sisters and I took so long ago…