If I'd Known

by Paige P. Horne

  “We’ll go on a warm day.” Her voice shakes, and I look back as she wipes under her eye before turning her head toward me. Tears stain her cheeks, causing her makeup to run. When he mutters a response, she turns her attention back toward him and reaches for his hand. He doesn’t move when she squeezes it, and what he mumbles is not understandable. “I love you,” she says, and she stands up and walks over to me. She shakes her head and hugs me again. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Me, too.” I struggle to get the words out, feeling like something is stuck in my throat.

  I’m mad that she and William aren’t together right now, comforting each other when they need it the most. I’m mad at how cruel the world can be, and mostly, I’m mad at God. Why would He do this? Why would He bring Travis back to me only to take him away again?

  When Elizabeth leaves, I sit down on the couch and stare toward the door, my mind trying to figure out what to do here. I look up when William comes out of the back hallway. “Mom, can I talk to him alone before you call the ambulance?” he asks.

  “Of course,” I say to him. He walks to the back room and shuts the door, but it doesn’t close all the way. I know he needs this moment, but I can’t help but get up.

  “When William gets done, I’m calling,” I tell Ryanne as I lean against the hallway wall.

  ____

  It’s Saturday night, and I hear the ambulance pull up outside. I call down the hallway to William’s bedroom, “They’re here.”

  I open the door for them to come in. They have a stretcher and ask me where he is, so I tell them. I follow as they make their way toward our bedroom, my heart barely beating because this is the moment I’ve been dreading. It feels like there’s nothing I can do now. I’ve prayed more than anything, and it hasn’t worked. Travis is still dying, they are still taking him, and I’m still helpless.

  Once we make it to the hospital and they get him settled in, I sit and listen to all the machines he is hooked up to. Different beeps coming from different ones. I hold his hand in mine, looking over every wrinkle, every line, memorizing them in fine detail. Ryanne walks into the room and gives me a small smile. “You should eat something,” she says.

  “No, I don’t want to leave him.”

  She nods and takes a seat in the empty chair. We don’t speak, just sit and watch as the machines keep Travis alive and comfortable. For now.

  The night passes with me fading in and out of sleep. He’s no better today, and I haven’t left his side but to use the restroom.

  “Mom, you have to eat something,” William says.

  “I’m just not hungry.”

  “But you need to eat. Come on. Let’s go down to the cafeteria.” I look back at Travis and exhale. “He would want you to eat,” William urges, and I know he’s right. I look back at Travis’ brother, Byron, who showed up this morning.

  “I’ll be right here with him,” he says. “Go on and eat something.”

  I nod. “I’ll be right back,” I say to Travis as I get up. I kiss his hand and let William take me down to the cafeteria.

  William and I take a seat after we get our sandwich and bag of chips. I open the bag and slowly take a few bites. My stomach growls, but it’s a struggle to get this food down. I feel sick, and my chest aches. William makes small talk, trying to get my mind off the situation, but nothing is working. The smell of the hospital is too strong, the feeling inside my heart is too painful, and I just want to be back up there with him.

  “After this, I’m gonna head home to shower, and then I’ll be back,” he says.

  “Okay,” I mutter.

  “Mom?”

  “Yes, son.”

  He has tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry this is all happening.”

  I have tears in mine. “Me, too.”

  We sit for a moment longer, and then he slides his chair back and stands. “I’ll be back,” he says. I nod and pick up my half-eaten sandwich. “I’ll throw this away. You go on back up there.”

  “Okay.” I stand up as he walks around the table, embracing me, and I almost feel my knees give out. I sniff and wipe my face when we pull away.

  “Be careful,” I say.

  “I will. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  I exit the cafeteria and walk the halls of the hospital toward the elevators. Photos of flowers hang on both sides of the stainless steel doors. I push the button, waiting for the thing to ding and take me back up to ICU. I feel empty, drained, and in so much pain, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. But I’m not the one who’s dying, even though it feels like it.

  When I walk back into the room, Byron is sitting there talking to him.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, stepping out.

  “No, come on back in.” He clears his throat, and I can tell he’s been crying. “I’m sure he’d rather you be here than this blubbering old boy.” I give a weak smile, and he gets up from my seat. He takes the other one across from me, and I pick up Travis’ hand, linking his fingers with mine.

  “You know he really loves you,” Byron says. I look over at him, wanting to know more.

  “I remember when we were all teenagers, the way he’d light up when you called, and the way he acted when y’all started speaking again after so long. Witnessing a love like that is rare,” he says, looking over at his brother. “But I got to see it, and you got to live it.” My eyes blur, and I sniff, trying to rein in my tears.

  “But why does it have to be over?” I ask, wiping my nose. He shakes his head.

  “Everything has an expiration date. Eventually, we all fall.”

  I look back at Travis and bring his hand to my face. My tears roll onto his fingers, and I close my eyes as I silently cry.

  ____

  It’s later in the afternoon, and I’m laying my head beside him on the bed. I hold onto his hand and run my finger up and down his arm, looking at the tattoos he got when he was a younger man. William stands looking out the window in his own world. I look up when the doctor comes in.

  “Mrs. Cole,” he greets, and my heart skips a beat at the sound of that name. How I wish it were true. How I wish we could have married and I had his last name. He checks the machines and does something on the computer before taking a seat in front of me. “How are you?” he asks.

  I swallow and sit up. “I’m okay.” He nods and looks over at Travis before looking back at me.

  “At this point, there’s really nothing else we can do,” he says, his voice full of sympathy. I narrow my eyes. “Would you like us to take him off the machines?”

  “No,” I say in disbelief. Why would he ask that? “There could still be a chance,” I add, anger building inside of me. Why would they give up on him?

  He gives me a look of sympathy but says, “Ma’am, there’s no need for him to be on all of this medication anymore. We’ll keep the blood pressure drip in and the pain meds going so he’ll be comfortable.”

  I look back at William, and he says, “That’s up to you, Mom.”

  My eyes go to the floor, and then I slowly turn my head toward Travis. “This is it,” I mutter quietly. I stare at his face and the rise and fall of his chest. I think about the first time I saw him and how handsome he was. I think about the way my heart felt as his golden brown eyes sparkled in the summer sunlight. That was one of the best days of my life because it was the day I met him. Today is the worst day of my life because I’ll remember it forever as the day I started to let go of the man I love.

  ____

  It’s day three in the hospital, and I sit with my feet propped up in the other chair. The machines are off now, only the blood pressure drip and his pain meds continue. The nurse walks in and adjusts his blanket while giving me a sympathetic smile.

  “Ma’am, would you like the chaplain to come in? I know some people like to say a prayer before the end.”

  I sigh. Those words. The end. I hate them.

  “Yes, I would,” I answer. She nods and exits the room.

 
; An hour or so later, we all stand around Travis, his two sisters and his brother, William, the chaplain, and me. I hold one of Travis’ hand and his sister, Ryanne, holds his other. The man says words about healing and asks God to be with all of us in this time of physical, emotional, and spiritual need. He prays for God to help us cope with the challenges we are facing, to comfort and encourage those who love and care and whose lives have been unsettled and disrupted by illness. He asks God to remind Travis that he is walking with Him right now, to remind him that He loves him no matter what he is going through.

  The chaplain keeps talking, and I open my eyes, looking down at my love. No words can describe the pain I feel; no prayer can make this go away. It is done. Everyone says amen, and it’s just a whisper past my lips because I’ve never felt farther away from God as I do right now.

  ____

  It’s day number four in the hospital. Travis is still holding on. I stare at the clock on the wall as time ticks by too quickly, and then a thought hits me. He wanted to die at home. At our home. I jump up and run into the hallway, hearing William call my name, but I need to find a nurse or a doctor.

  “Mrs. Cole?” someone says from behind me. I turn to look at the nurse who keeps checking on Travis.

  “He wanted to die at home,” I say, panicked. “That’s what he told me.”

  “Okay, ma’am, well…umm…” She looks like she is unsure of what to do.

  “I need to get him home!” I say to her.

  “Okay, let me go get the doctor, and we’ll see what he says. Just hold tight for me.” I watch her scurry away, and I bite my fingernail anxiously. As I walk back toward the room, I see William standing at the door.

  “What’s going on?” he says worriedly.

  “He wanted to die at home, son. I want to get him home.”

  “Okay,” he says. “We’ll see what the doctor says.” I nod and sit down again as William remains standing. We wait for what seems like forever before the doctor comes in.

  “I hear you’re wanting to take him home?” he says to us.

  “Yes. Please,” I say.

  He exhales. “Sadly, Mrs. Cole, Medicaid won’t cover the ambulance ride back.”

  “I don’t care. I’ll pay for it.”

  He gives me a small smile. “Ma’am, if we take him off this blood pressure drip, he won’t make it home.”

  My eyes close, and I feel tears fall down my face. “But he wanted to go at home.”

  “I’m so sorry,” he says.

  I feel William’s arm wrap around me, and I realize he’s bent down. “Travis wouldn’t want you to have to worry about all of that, Mom.”

  I sniff and nod my head. “I know. You’re right. He never wanted me to worry about anything.”

  I sigh and wipe my face. “Ma’am, we would like to suggest moving him to a quieter room.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “It’s called the transition room. It will be quieter, less people walking around the halls.”

  “What about the blood pressure drip?” I ask.

  “If you want to know his blood pressure, the nurse will be happy to take it for you at any time.”

  “And his pain?”

  “We’ll keep him comfortable.”

  I take an uneasy breath and search the ceiling for an answer. I know in my mind we’ve lost this battle, but my heart is having a hard time coming to terms with that. I’m just not ready.

  “I know this isn’t easy,” he says. “But I do believe it’s what’s best at this point.”

  I nod my head, knowing he’s probably right. “Okay.”

  “Okay,” he repeats. “We’ll have someone come and get him.” He exits the room. I rub my hands over my face and cry.

  After a while, two young boys show up, and the nurse disconnects him from the machines. Travis is out, no longer conscious, and I watch as the boys move the bed and begin to push him out of the room. I stand and follow, but they go so fast I can hardly keep up. They hit bumps, and I hear Travis grunt. They treat this move like it’s nothing, just another patient they have to wheel down to the transition room as they talk and cut up, but this is the love of my life!

  “Slow down,” I say loudly. They both look back at me. “You’re going too fast. You may hurt him.” They look guilt-ridden and then do as I ask.

  After they get him settled, they leave us alone, and I talk to him. I tell him I love him and that some of the best moments of my life have been when I was with him. I kiss his hand and his fingers, and I lay my head down beside him. There’s a window in here, and I look toward it, staring at the midnight sky. The stars are hardly visible, but I know they’re there. I listen to his breathing, and before I know it, I’ve fallen asleep.

  I jerk awake, and my eyes go to Travis. His chest still moves, and I exhale a relief. I rub my eyes and look at the big clock on the wall. It’s three in the morning, and I stand up to see if I can find the nurse, but she walks in just as I turn around.

  “Hey,” she says.

  “Hey, can you check his blood pressure?”

  “Of course, honey.”

  I stay standing as she puts the cuff around his arm and the stethoscope in her ears. Her eyes go to her watch, and she gives me a sad smile before she tells me what it is. It’s low…so, so low.

  “Thank you,” I say.

  “If you need anything, just call me. I was glad to see you getting some rest,” she calls out as she walks toward the door. I watch it shut behind her before I walk to the window and look out. I watch as a lone car or two rides down the road. Probably late night parties, drinking, and driving. It takes me back to when we were teenagers and all those parties we had by Taylor Creek Bridge. God, what I would do to go back, if even for a day. I look up to the sky and shut my eyes.

  “I know I’ve been angry, but God, please let him know I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Please let him know.”

  ____

  His family visits a little the next day. We chat lightly about nothing important until they decide to head home. His sisters kiss his forehead, and Byron grips his hand. I tell them bye and promise to call later. The silence in this room is deafening sometimes, but it is better than all those machines, I guess. I prop my feet up and rest my eyes when I hear someone come through the door.

  “It’s just me,” William says as I turn to look.

  “What do you have there?” I ask.

  “I thought he’d like to listen to some music.” He takes the small radio and places it on the table beside Travis.

  “I think he would, too.” My lip lifts a tad at my son’s thoughtfulness, and my heart does, too, because in the little time Travis was a part of his life, William really got to know him. He switches it on, and it plays lightly beside his bed. William takes a seat, and we both sit in silence, just listening to the radio as I also listen to Travis take small breaths.

  The afternoon passes too quickly, and he’s still holding on. I study his face and keep hold of his hand. I think back on the last couple of months and how hard he has fought to stay with me. Chemo only tears a person down while it’s trying to fight the cancer. I know there had to be moments when he was sicker than he let on just so I wouldn’t worry. I hope that wasn’t the case, but if I know him, it probably was. Sometimes, I wondered if he wished he could have been somewhere else so he wouldn’t have had to pretend to feel good.

  “No one has ever loved another person as strongly as I have loved you, Travis. No one ever will,” I whisper as the tears fall down my face. My vision blurs, and I put my head down on the bed. My body shakes as I sob, and I hope that he knows how much I love him. I hope he knows being with him again was everything to me.

  ____

  The bright moon shares its light with the small lamp in the vast room as the radio still plays. William walks out of the bathroom, and I can tell he’s been crying. He clears his throat. “I’m going down the hall for a minute, Mom,” he says. He wipes down his face and says, “I wish
Elizabeth were here with us.” I stand up and hug him tightly, realizing he’s not only upset about Travis, but he misses her.

  “I know,” I say. I feel his body shake, and I embrace him harder as my tears begin again. We stand holding onto one another. Him missing his love because they chose to end it, and me missing mine because of something neither of us could control.

  “I love you, son,” I say as he lets go.

  He rubs his eyes and says, “I love you, too,” before he exits the room.

  I wrap my arms around myself as I sit back down and reach for Travis’ hand, bringing it to my lips. His chest shakes, and tears pour from my eyes as mine shudders, too, but not in the same way. Mine trembles because my heart is barely holding on from being broken. His shudders because it’s barely holding on to keep him alive.

  I look over his handsome face and think of all of the happy times we’ve had together. My love, my life. I met this boy when I was seventeen, and I’ve never loved anyone more. I’ll never love anyone more.

  I sniff and grip his hand in mine. “I know you promised that you would never leave me again.” I cry as I try to get out the words. My whole body shakes, and I wipe my face. “But it’s okay if you need to go,” I whisper, my voice full of agony and sorrow. I watch as his chest rises and falls. It takes a moment for it to do it again, but this time it jolts painfully, and after it rises no more.

  I think about how they announce time of death in movies, and my eyes go to the clock on the wall as I say to myself, “Time of death: 12:07.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  “My son and I rode home from the hospital that night with the windows down and ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ blaring from the truck’s speakers.

  “‘That’s Travis saying goodbye,’ I told William. ‘He loved that song.’

  “When we got home, I walked in the living room and saw Elizabeth sitting on the couch. ‘He’s gone.’ I wailed as I held his clothes tightly to my chest. I walked back to our room and lay down on the bed, gripping onto his clothes for dear life. I sobbed with William standing at the foot of the bed and Elizabeth sitting on the end. I wept like a baby.”