Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want?

by BAISDEN, MICHAEL

  These frustrating situations take all of the fun and excitement out of sex. And sometimes the level of satisfaction never increases, no matter how hard he tries. As one man put it, “I could tape a cheat sheet on my chest, and my wife would still find a way to mess up.” Again, the man has to ask himself that all important question, “Now what will I do?” For the conniving D-O-G the answer would be quite simple, “Get a replacement.” For the so-called decent man, this decision takes a lot more studying. After all, he had every intention of living up to his commitment to be monogamous. When he pledged, “To forsake all others,” he meant it. However, that was before he discovered her inadequacies in the bedroom. Now all contracts promises and bets are off, at least where sexual obligation is concerned. Aside from inexperience and clumsiness, the quality of sex can be affected by the woman’s weight, or should I say, excess weight? Joe from Charlotte put it more colorfully; “It’s bad enough when you have to play traffic cop in bed, but a crane operator too. Now, that’s just not fair.”

  Some men, however, prefer a full figured woman. And to them I say, “More power to you,” literally. You’re going to need it. But I think it’s safe to say that the majority of men would prefer a woman who was a bit easier to sweep off her feet. Of course, weight is only an issue if someone in the relationship makes it an issue. Nine times out of ten that someone just happens to be the man. Despite the fact he hasn’t seen his toes in years, he wants the woman with the perfect body, or near perfect. And God help her if he’s seriously into exercising. She’ll never hear the end of it. “You need to work on those calves,” he’ll say. “One hundred more sit-ups a night should flatten out that stomach.” This is very helpful advice coming from someone who can eat like a pig and never gain a pound. And by the way, when was the last time he gave birth? Men have no idea how difficult it is to lose those unwanted pounds after a pregnancy. Nevertheless, we demand absolute flawlessness. And if they can’t get it at home, they’ll simply have to order out.

  Tony, who is a 41 year-old electrician, is one of those men who demand perfection in and out of the bedroom. After being involved in a monogamous relationship for two years, he began seeing another woman to satisfy his sexual needs. When I asked him why he decided to do this, his answer was very direct and to the point, “I’m not satisfied with my girlfriend’s performance in bed. The oral sex is terrible, and she’s gaining entirely too much weight.” The question many women will surely ask is, “How can he sleep with another woman and still claim to be in love with his girlfriend?” Come on ladies, don’t be so naïve. Love has nothing to do with it. Like most men, he does not equate love with sex. The other woman is nothing more that a temporary sexual bandage to cover the neglectful scars left by his girlfriend. Let’s face it, when it comes to sex, women need a reason, while men only need a place. Women should stop torturing themselves trying to understand how men separate love from sex; it’s just the way we’re made up, just accept it! It’s obvious that men like Tony have. In his mind there is no conflict. Love is forever, while sex is strictly for play.

  Tony’s Story

  I know people will label me as insensitive for what I’m about to say, but somebody has to tell it like it is. When I met Tracie, she was 5’3”, and weighed 127 pounds. Well, her height obviously hasn’t changed, but her weight sure has. As of today she’s tipping the scale at a whopping 150 pounds. In my opinion, that’s entirely too heavy. And what’s so funny is that I met her at a Health Club. She used to work out almost every day. Starting with the stair machine for warm up, then 30 minutes on the treadmill. Sometimes she would come into the weight room to pump a little iron. You name it, she did it. But that was then. Now all she does is sit in front of the television, eat Doritos, and watch recorded episodes of reality shows all day. It’s like one day she woke up and said to herself, “Now that I’ve got a man, I can just let myself go.” That’s unfair, and selfish. Maybe couples should sign a contract that requires them to stay within ten pounds of their date weight. If either person violates this agreement, the other party has the option of sexual substitution. Doesn’t that sound like a great idea? Most women would probably say no. But I bet the men are thinking, “Sounds like a plan to me!”

  The only reason I even bother to bring it up is because I love Tracie and I want to marry her. But she is only 35 years old and I don’t want to marry a woman with a weight problem. It’s not just about what I want, even she knows that her weight is getting out of control. Just last month she was talking to me about what areas she needed to work on. “If I could lose about fifteen pounds I would feel better about myself,” she said. “I’ve got to lose a few inches from my waist and thighs.” I couldn’t have agreed with her more. But my question is, when is all of this weight reduction and muscle toning going to begin, 2020? I miss the good old days when she was so confident about her figure she would walk around my apartment naked all day. Now she rushes to turn off the lights, covers up with towels, and dives under the sheets to avoid exposing herself. All that does is draw more attention to her problem areas. Don’t women realize that?

  The mental stress of dealing with the weight issue was compounded by Tracie’s sexual inexperience. The first few times we had sex were disastrous. She was pulling while I was pushing. When I tried to put her on top, she just sat there as if the bed was going to do all the work. And as for oral sex, forget it! That was a journey into the unknown for her. She was reluctant to go down on me. I actually had to ease her head down with my hand while she was kissing me on the chest.

  The more pressure I applied, the more comical her expression became. She would look up at me as if to say, “What in the hell do you think you’re doing.” I played it off by throwing my head back and moaning, “Awe, that’s good baby, right there.” Then I put the move on her by angling my body so my penis was right in her face. After I finally managed to get her down there, she spent the next fifteen minutes kissing around it, under it, and on top of it. She did everything except put it in her mouth. I’m lying there with a rock hard dick thinking to myself, “Just suck it goddamit!” That was one of the most frustrating evenings of my life.

  Two days after that dreadful experience, we sat down and talked about how we could improve our sex life. I promised to be more patient, and she guaranteed me the next time would be better.

  Well, one year and two hundred next times later and the sex still sucks. Or as the Rolling Stones song goes, “I can’t get no satisfaction!” True enough, she has come a long way in the rhythm department, but she still can’t give good head. Her biggest problem is trying not to scrape my penis with her teeth. There is no way for a man to enjoy sex when his dick feels like it’s going through a shredder. Ouch! Just thinking about it makes me cringe. And on those rare occasions when she does manage to do it right, she stops just as it starts to feel good. I hate when she does that. Ladies, when a man says, “Right There!” That means don’t move! Not, stop and take a break.

  I’m at the point now where I prefer not to have it done at all. Even a hand job every now and then is out of the question with her. She can’t even perform that simple task without damaging the equipment. She grips it too tight and bends it from side to side like a damn slinky. After so much frustration, I ask you, “What’s a man to do?” Tracie has everything a man could ask for in terms of personality, natural beauty, and loyalty. There’s no way in the world I’m going to let another man have her. No way! I will just have to keep working with her to better our sex life. But until then I’ll be calling the other woman at 1-900-Do Me Right.

  Conditional Love

  Most women would probably agree that any man who cheats on his woman just because she puts on a few extra pounds, never truly loved her in the first place. However, men do not love as unconditionally as women do. We are visual creatures who are stimulated by what we see physically. In our minds, we expect the woman we love to remain beautiful, and thin, forever. The reality of weight gain is something many of us are unwilling to accept, e
specially in a new relationship. Can a brotha at least get the first five to ten years to admire our woman’s figure before she blows up? Is that asking too much?

  And if that means Jenny Craig and a membership at Bally’s Health Club, so be it. I’ll personally flip the bill. But I must say this in the woman’s defense; most of this criticism about physical fitness often comes from men who are fat as hell. They have the nerve to demand perfection while their potbellies are bulging out of their belts. One man referred to his forty-two inch waistline as love handles. The reaction of a woman standing nearby set him straight. “Love handles my ass,” she said. “You need to stop drinking all those damned beers and get some exercise yourself.”

  What’s Too Freaky?

  Most men, including myself, expect women to have it all! Nice figure, pretty face, wonderful sense of humor, well paying job, good parenting skills, master chef, and sex guru. And if that’s not enough, we want the perfect blend of all these qualities, a woman who can win the Ms. Congeniality award by day, and the slut of the year trophy by night. To put it frankly, we want Halle Barry the Super Mom, and a maid who’s a Super Freak! But wait, it gets even more ridiculous! She must then be careful not to be too whorish; otherwise, the husband or boyfriend will suspect her of foul play. “Who did you learn that from?” he’ll ask. She’s in a no win situation. Either she’s too passive or too aggressive. What’s a woman to do? My attitude is, stop being so insecure and just enjoy it! There’s nothing worse than a sexually confident woman having to hold back on exploring sexually because the man is trippin’!

  As for the issue of oral sex, let me offer this comment. I haven’t met a woman yet who wasn’t prepared to go all out to please the man she loved. The question is, will he return the favor? Men have a tendency of lying back like porno stars while the woman knocks herself out trying to satisfy him. But immediately after she’s done, he’s ready to saddle up and start riding. The thought in his mind is, “To hell with you, it’s Hammer Time!” This selfish attitude is exactly why so many men have been cut off and left hanging. As one woman remarked, “If I can take the beef, he can go fish.” Men who are successful at getting the most out of their sexual relationships have one thing in common, they ask questions. Instead of complaining and cheating after the fact, they communicate their needs prior to getting deeply involved. Questions regarding acrobatic positions and exotic appetites are not put off until it’s time to get into bed, because by then it’s too late.

  While men have every right to ask for what they want, the woman needs to know in advance what those desires and expectations are. As one young lady remarked, “My boyfriend should have told me ahead of time he was into all that freaky stuff. Oral sex is one thing, but anal sex is for prison inmates, not lovers.” Another woman was more comical about her experience, “My fiancée tried to pull a Star Trek on me. He tried to boldly go where no man had gone before. So, I sent him where plenty of men had gone before, right out the front door.” It is clear these women refuse to submit themselves to the exotic sexual appetites of their lovers. And why should they? Not every sex act is natural or necessary to achieve total satisfaction.

  One man who has no complaints about the quality of sex in his bedroom is 37-year-old Charles. After five years of marriage, he and his wife still engage in dirty talk, try new positions, and break out the sex toys every now and then. This kind of openness helped him resist the temptation to fool around with another woman. In his words, “My wife Lisa is everything I could ask for in a sex partner. She is aggressive, creative and vocal. There’s nothing more erotic then sex noise. The more she moans the more I know I’m hitting the right spots! It’s like having a sexual road map. All you have to do is follow directions.

  But that was his attitude before his son was born last year. His wife’s tune instantly changed from, The freaks come out at night, to, Yearnin for your love. After spending years working towards the perfect sexual relationship, he now has to contend with his wife’s habit of rationing sex. Even the most decent man can only endure this kind of torturous treatment before his hormones get the best of them. Charles was no different, he felt perfectly justified in stepping outside of his marriage to seek temporary relief from this frustrating situation. And you know how men spell relief, S E X.

  Charles’ Story

  Does anyone have any idea what it feels like to live in a candy store and not be allowed to taste the sweets? Well, that’s my life. Since my son was born a year ago, my sex life has gone down the drain. Instead of doing it five times a week, I’m lucky if I can get some five times a month. At first I thought the problem was physiological, so I didn’t press the issue until I thought she was fully recovered from giving birth. But after three months I was ready to explode.

  “What’s the problem, baby?” I asked her. “Is there something wrong that you’re not telling me about?”

  “I’m just not in the mood,” she replied. “Maybe later.”

  What the hell does, “Not in the mood” mean? I asked myself. She may as well have said, “I just don’t want to do it with you,” because that’s how I felt. As much as I love my wife, I couldn’t take much more of her tired excuses. My patience was running thin and my morals were weakening. To make matters worse, she was breast-feeding right in front of me every morning. I thought I was going to go crazy. For three months I watched her feed my son thinking to myself, “Can I have some too, please?”

  About five months into the miserable situation, I found myself doing things that were totally out of character. Like staying out late, flirting with strange women, and drinking way too much. My bowling buddies noticed the change immediately because I was no longer rushing home after the game. Of course, they started in on me about my change of lifestyle. And it didn’t help one bit that my bowling nickname was Able. You know, like able to come through at crunch time. Well, as you can imagine, they really had fun with that one.

  “Isn’t it past your bedtime Able?” my teammate Jerry laughed.

  “Yeah Able, we know you like to eat while it’s hot” Roland added.

  “Very funny fellas, “I said trying not to sound too pathetic. “Can’t we just have a drink without all the wife jokes?”

  “What fun would that be?” my friend Jerry added. “Besides, we didn’t give you the nickname Able for nothing. Now we might have to take it back since you’re not able to get any pussy at home.”

  They all cracked up at that joke. And to tell you the truth, I wanted to laugh too, to keep from crying. What I needed was something to keep my mind off of sex. So, before I left the bowling alley that evening, I pulled Roland aside.

  “Remember last month when you asked me if I had some spare time to give you a hand down at the cable company?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I remember. You turned me down cold. And you know I could use your expertise.”

  “Well, I’m ready to take you up on your offer.”

  “Are you serious, Able?”

  “Yes, I’m serious, but only under two conditions.”

  “Ok, let’s hear it.”

  “One, I only work weekends.”

  “And two?”

  “Two, I want a patch on my uniform top that says Able.”

  We laughed and shook hands.

  “It’s a deal. When can you start?”

  “This weekend, I don’t have a damn else to do! I said. “I’m tired of jacking off!”

  “I’ll see you Saturday morning at 10:00 a.m.”

  “You better make it 11:00 a.m., I might get lucky Friday night.”

  “Like I said,” Roland replied. “I’ll see you at 10:00 a.m.”

  When I got home that evening, I told Lisa about the side job. She thought it was a great idea and seemed relieved. Not only was I making a few extra dollars but she also knew this would keep me from hounding her for sex over the weekends.

  “I think working with Roland is a good idea sweetheart.” She said. “At least you’ll get an opportunity to utilize some of your electron
ic skills.”

  “Yeah right,” I thought. She just didn’t want me utilizing any of my physical skills around the house, if you know what I mean.

  As expected, the job started out pretty boring. During the first two weeks I didn’t do anything except watch the other technicians. On the job training, they called it. I didn’t care as long as I was getting paid. Things finally began to pick up after a few weeks. By then I was working on my own. I was assigned to do the trouble shooting on a new line that was being put into a high-end condo development. When that job was complete, I volunteered to do some of the installations inside the units. That’s when the old devil started working on me. Some of the female customers were beginning to ask for me by name when they had a technical problem. Of course, most of their problems were sexual. This went on for six months before I finally got myself in too deep.