A Father for Jesse

by Roth, Ann

  All true. So why did he feel like a lying jerk?

  She seemed to buy it, smiling warmly. “Okay.”

  “I won’t call. I don’t want Jesse to think something he shouldn’t,” he added, feeling worse than ever for using her son as an excuse.

  “Good idea. So I’ll see you Monday morning. Have a good weekend.” With a yawn, she sank back down onto the pillow.

  “Sleep tight. And thanks for last night.”

  Mac flipped out the lamp, then padded through the darkness. He found his shoes and socks by the door, where he’d moved them while he and Emmy enjoyed a midnight snack of cake and ice cream after that unforgettable shower.

  A few minutes later he was sitting in the van, shivering while he waited for it to warm up. And wondering what in hell he’d been thinking, coming over here last night.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Monday morning Jesse kissed Emmy’s cheek without her asking. “Bye, Mom.”

  Pleased, she smiled. Saturday morning he’d come home from Peter’s tired but happy, and they’d spent a relatively peaceful weekend together.

  “I’ll see you at the library this afternoon,” she said. “Don’t forget, it’s Groundhog Day.”

  “Do you think he’ll see his shadow?”

  “If he does, we’ll have six more weeks of winter.”

  “Ugh.” Her son wrinkled his nose.

  “Double ugh. As cloudy as it is around here, he probably won’t, though.” Emmy glanced at her watch. “It’s late, Jesse. Hurry!”

  “I’m going.” He pulled his jacket from the hook. “You’ll be glad to see Mac this morning, huh?”

  He grinned knowingly, and she suspected that he guessed too much. Well, she never had been good at hiding her feelings.

  “He’s become a friend,” she said. Which was true. If you skipped over the fact that he was also her lover, her very thoughtful, generous and terrific lover, and that she adored him. “And you’re right, I am looking forward to seeing him.”

  After the long weekend apart, she could hardly wait. Even if only to say good morning and unlock the Rutherfords’ house. If she felt this way today, when Mac left in two weeks she’d surely die. But she wouldn’t worry about that now. She intended to enjoy every second of those precious fourteen days, to be with Mac in whatever way possible.

  “Be honest, Mom. You like him more than—”

  They both heard the bus screech to a stop out front. Jesse rushed out. Thanking her lucky stars for the interruption, Emmy peered out the window. No sign of Mac yet. He must be running late.

  Humming, she loaded the dishwasher. She set her lunch beside her purse, then transferred tonight’s dinner casserole from the freezer to the refrigerator. The small fern she’d bought and placed on the windowsill over the kitchen sink needed watering, so she took care of that. Next she put on lipstick and checked her hair.

  It was nearly eight-thirty now and still no sign of Mac. Where was he? Emmy didn’t want to be late for the Monday-morning library meeting.

  She was putting her things into the car when at last she heard an engine. Heart lifting, she spun around. Only to see Ian and Brian’s black truck approaching. Apparently she wouldn’t see Mac this morning, after all.

  Swallowing back her disappointment, she headed forward with what she hoped was a friendly smile. “Good morning.”

  “Hey,” Ian said. “Mac’s picking up the cabinets. We’ll start installing them today, after we hook up the new kitchen sink.”

  “Sounds exciting.” Mac hadn’t mentioned that on Saturday, but then, he’d had other things on his mind. She glanced at Brian, noted his dismal expression, and forgot her own low spirits.

  “What’s the matter, Brian?”

  “My girlfriend dumped me.” Looking miserable, he kicked at the dirt.

  He’d only dated the woman a couple of weeks. He must really like her. “I’m sorry,” Emmy said.

  “Yeah.” He moved ahead of Emmy and Ian to climb the stairs.

  Ian shrugged and gave his head a sad shake.

  As Emmy reached the top and joined Brian, she touched his arm. “I know how that hurts.”

  “She wasn’t good enough for you, anyway,” Ian said.

  “That’s right.” Emmy unlocked the dead bolt.

  “Maybe, but I still feel like shi—Like holy heck.” Brian glanced at Ian. “No offense, but your great girlfriend and super love life aren’t helping.”

  “Hey, leave Rebecca out of this,” Ian said, his eyes soft with affection.

  They said goodbye to Emmy and headed inside. She descended the steps and crossed the yard, her mind on their conversation. She so identified with both men, for different reasons.

  Ian clearly wanted love and had found it. And so had Emmy. But like Brian, the one she loved didn’t return the feeling. Brian’s heart was broken, and very soon, hers would be, too.

  “IT’S ALMOST five-thirty and past quitting time,” Ian said as he helped Mac heft a cabinet. “After we mount this thing, Brian and I are heading to Toddy’s for fish and chips and beer. He needs it.”

  His brother was hurting, and Mac agreed that the local bar at the end of Main Street was a good place for Brian to salve his wounds with greasy food, beer on tap and a game or two of pool. “Good idea,” he grunted as he fit the heavy cupboard into place.

  Brian, whose face wore the bleak lines of a man with a crushed heart, handed him the drill and screws. “Feel free to join us if you can spare the time. We know you’re finishing odds and ends here and running around, getting ready to leave.”

  Busy securing the cabinet, Mac didn’t reply. The drill was too loud. But he thought about the evening ahead. Installing the rest of the cupboards required at least two sets of hands, so that was out. There were a few small jobs he could take care of, like arranging the counter tiles so they’d be easy to grout tomorrow. And his apartment wasn’t half cleaned out. Being there for his brother seemed more important than any of that stuff, a good reason to leave shortly.

  But Mac wanted to talk to Emmy. After a whole weekend spent kicking himself for staying the night, he hadn’t been ready to face her this morning. Still wasn’t, but this evening he would, anyway. Things needed to be said.

  “Maybe I’ll come to Toddy’s later,” he said after shutting off the drill. “How long will you two be there?”

  “Late.” Ian eyed him. “But don’t worry, no matter how hungover Brian is tomorrow, I’ll get him here on time.”

  “I know that.” Mac clapped Brian’s sagging shoulder. “Hang in there, little bro. This, too, shall pass.”

  With a grudging nod, Brian shrugged into his jacket. Behind his back Ian exchanged glances with Mac. They both knew that in time their brother would rebound.

  Once they left, Mac sweated over what to say to Emmy. That from now on, every minute of his life was crammed with last-minute details to see to before he left town. That as busy as he was, he couldn’t be with her anymore, not the way he wanted. No more sticking around for kisses, no more making love, no more anything outside casual conversation. That sounded good.

  As soon as her car pulled into her driveway he flipped off all the house lights except for the table lamp in the living room. He turned on the porch light and stepped outside.

  Though he was hidden by the fir trees, the sound of the Rutherfords’ door closing caught Emmy’s and Jesse’s attention. Both turned toward him. Mac stepped out of the shadows and waved. Jesse waved back, but instead of bounding over, took his mother’s things to their front door, unlocked it and disappeared inside. Fine with Mac. What he wanted to say wasn’t for the boy’s ears.

  Emmy headed toward Mac, her gait purposeful but graceful. Even in the dim streetlamp, he saw her warm, radiant smile. So special and beautiful…

  His chest expanded and his resolve wavered, but only for a moment. Steeling his heart, he nodded unsmilingly. “Hey.”

  “Hi.” She hurried up the steps. Breathless, she crossed the deck. “I missed you this
morning. Did you pick up the cabinets? I’d love to see them.” In a low voice she added, “I asked Jesse to put the casserole in the oven, so I can’t stay long. Later, when he showers—”

  “I won’t be here then. Brian’s hurting and I’m meeting him and Ian at Toddy’s.”

  “I heard about that. That’s sweet of you.”

  At the moment Mac felt anything but sweet. “It’s what brothers do for each other.” He cleared his throat, rocked back on his heels. “Listen, Emmy, we both know I’m leaving soon and—”

  “We still have two whole weeks.”

  “And I’ll be swamped every minute, tying up loose ends and getting ready.”

  She blinked at him. “We’re all busy, Mac. Don’t use the trip as an excuse. At least have the decency to be honest with me.”

  The confused, hurt look on her face ate at him. Mac rubbed the space between his eyes. “Being with you…it’s dangerous. You’re starting to care.” Never mind his own feelings.

  “Of course I care.” Her eyes flashed and her chin jutted out. “After what we shared the past few weeks, how could I not?”

  The need to reach out and ease that high, defensive chin back down was overwhelming. Mac clasped his hands behind him and leaned against the unforgiving siding.

  Understanding dawned on her face. “You’re scared.”

  “The hell I am. Why would I be?”

  “That’s a good question. I know how you feel about responsibility, Mac, and I don’t expect anything from you. You’ve made it clear often enough. You’re not interested in a relationship with a woman who has a son.”

  “Mom?”

  Jesse stood on the bottom step, looking as if he’d been sucker punched.

  Emmy jerked toward him, her forced smile fooling no one. “Hi, honey. You’re so quiet I didn’t know you were here.”

  Neither had Mac. He’d been too engrossed in Emmy. She shot him a quick, anxious look and he knew she wondered how much of their conversation her son had caught. Mac shared her concern.

  He nodded. “Hey, Jess.”

  The boy narrowed his eyes. Hostility radiated from him. If looks could kill…He’d overheard something, all right.

  “I couldn’t remember whether you wanted the oven turned to 350 or 375,” Jesse mumbled. “Guess I should’ve just picked one.”

  “I don’t know what you’re thinking,” Mac said, “but our discussion has nothing to do with you.”

  “Right.” Sarcasm dripped from the word. Jesse pinned his attention on Emmy. “Which temperature, Mom?”

  “Three fifty.”

  “’Kay.” The boy pivoted and hurried toward the cottage.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I lock the door,” Emmy called after him. She bit her lip and pulled her arms close to her body. “Look what just happened. This is why I don’t date or get involved.”

  “For what it’s worth I’m sorry about Jesse.” But Mac wasn’t sorry about the rest. Loving Emmy—he’d never forget that.

  She didn’t seem to hear him. “It’s okay that you don’t want to be with me again, because I need to spend my time with Jesse. He is my priority.” A haunted look crossed her face. “I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten something so important.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up, Emmy. Any fool with eyes knows he comes first with you. You care so much about him and his feelings that no matter what he heard just now, he has no idea what happened between us.” Mac started to reach for her, then dropped his arms. “Believe me, you’re as good a mother as you always have been.”

  “Am I?”

  Her eyes were filled with doubt and uncertainty, the same troubled expression she’d worn right before he’d kissed her the first time and started down the path that had led them here.

  Turning away, she bolted the door, then pocketed the key. “I’m going home now to straighten things out.” She nodded coolly, her distance chilling his very marrow. “Good night.”

  Walking away from him with her gaze on the ground and her shoulders hunched, she looked as bereft as he felt.

  IN ONE HELL of an ugly mood, bowed against the heavy mist and freezing rain, hands deep in the pockets of his denim jacket, Mac trudged toward Toddy’s. His well-meaning talk with Emmy had gone from bad to miserable, and not only because Jesse had overheard God knew what of their conversation. Emmy’s horrified response to Jesse’s reaction, her self-blame and guilty expression were indelibly etched in Mac’s mind.

  At least she agreed with him, that what they shared was over and done with. A good thing, right? Except that his heart felt bruised and sore.

  Main Street was only a few blocks from the water, and tonight the smell of the sea clung to every building and tree. With weather like this, there was sure to be a halo-shaped cloud hovering over the ocean. A fascinating phenomenon that had entertained Mac and his brothers many times. On any other evening he’d have wandered down to the beach to check it out. Tonight he wanted only to hang with Ian and Brian, share a pitcher and play pool.

  He pushed through the scarred wood door. The usual odors of beer and stale cigarettes tickled his nostrils. A recent law banned smoking in here, and the owner had since painted the place and added a few fichus trees and ferns. But nothing could wash away the decades of smoke that had permeated every surface or change the fact that people came to Toddy’s to forget their problems through drink.

  Being a Monday night in the middle of winter, the place was mostly empty. Four of the bar stools stood vacant and only a few booths were taken. An old Jane’s Addiction song pounded from the jukebox, the raucous rock music suiting Mac’s mood just fine.

  He looked around for Ian and Brian, but didn’t see them. Probably in the back room, shooting pool. He’d check. First, though, he’d order a burger and a beer.

  He was on his way to the bar when he spotted them in a corner booth with a near-empty pitcher. Heads bent toward the table and deep in conversation, neither saw him. As he drew closer he almost tripped over his bootlace. He stooped down to tie it. The music stopped, and suddenly it was easy to hear them.

  “I’m gonna hate it when Mac leaves,” Ian said.

  Mac smiled. That was real nice.

  “Yeah,” Brian said. “But I’ll hate running the company more.”

  “Amen, and I’ll drink to that.”

  Shocked, Mac froze.

  “I’m feeling so crappy right now,” Brian went on, “that I’m thinking about taking Emmy’s advice and telling him how I really feel.”

  “Are you kidding?” Ian said. “After everything he did for us? No way. We’re doing this, period. Mac’s counting on us, and we owe him. It’s only three years.”

  “Don’t you think I know that?” Brian said. “But three years is a long time. Every day it’s harder to pretend that I like the remodeling business. And now Bethany’s dumped me…It was almost frickin’ impossible today. The only reason you’re handling it so well is because you’re in love, and that makes anything bearable. I need a lot more to drink. Let’s split what’s left in the pitcher.”

  “Pour it, bro. You’re right. Before Rebecca, fighting the urge to bail every day was much harder.”

  There was a pause, and Mac knew his brothers were sipping beer.

  “There’s still time to apply for the PhD program at the universities I checked out,” Brian said. “I’m tempted to do it.”

  “Not for three years, you won’t.”

  “Okay, okay, you win,” Brian muttered. “I’ll stay.”

  “That’s the spirit. We need a new pitcher, and it’s my round. I wonder if Mac will ever show up.”

  Hoping they wouldn’t see him, Mac crouched lower.

  Brian snorted. “Would you be here if you could fool around with Emmy, instead?”

  “No way. Emmy’s hot—for an older woman.”

  Mac frowned. And not just because his brother shared his opinion. He and Emmy had been so careful. How in hell did Brian and Ian know what they’d been doing? Unless she’d told
them. They’d certainly confided in her. This bugged him a lot. His brothers should’ve come to him, not Emmy. That she knew how they felt about running his company but hadn’t bothered to enlighten him also rankled. He felt like a damned fool.

  “While you get the beer I’ll be in the men’s room,” Brian said.

  Mac waited until they both ambled off before he straightened. With no idea what to do and his mind spinning, he quickly left the tavern.

  Once outside he headed for the beach. The sleet had stopped, but the wind had picked up, and there was no one else on the street. Buffeted by the strong gust, Mac tromped down the rest of the block, rounded the corner and strode down the gently sloping hill that led to the beach. He passed the group of huts where artists sold their wares during tourist season. Now they were shuttered and dark.

  Planting his feet in the sand a few yards from the sea, he stared out. With the moon obscured by clouds and the nearest streetlight a block away, he couldn’t see anything, much less the halo. It was there, though, he knew it.

  The wind whipped his face. Waves crashed and retreated. The cold, damp sea air penetrated Mac’s jacket and clothes.

  But the real chill came from inside him.

  For so many reasons. His brothers didn’t want to run the business he loved, had only agreed out of obligation. Without so much as discussing the matter with him. The amazing connection Mac had shared with Emmy was forever broken. And Jesse? Mac had no idea what the boy thought, but it couldn’t be good.

  What a mess.

  Teeth chattering, he turned away from the water and plodded toward the street. His plans—his whole life—seemed to be unraveling, and he didn’t know how to stop it.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was after eleven and Jesse was supposed to be asleep. He’d been about to drop off when his mom peeked in to check on him. Now he lay in the dark, thinking about what she’d repeated several times tonight.

  “There never was anything between Mac and me. How could there be? He’s leaving soon.”