A History of Weapons

by John O'Bryan

  DATE OF ORIGIN: 1800 BCE (ge), 1500 BCE (ji)

  PRECURSOR TO: Medieval halberd

  ADVANTAGES: Reach, especially important against mounted opponents

  DISADVANTAGES: Can also be used by mounted opponents, in which case the opposing foot soldier is shit out of luck

  Calling Bullshit

  MYTHICAL HINDU WEAPONS

  Ancient Indian history is a difficult riddle to solve. Not only is the information on this period very limited, but the records we do have typically come in the form of religious writings. And let’s be honest: those can be less than reliable. The Indian epics the Ramayana and the Mahabharata contain extensive accounts of ancient Indian warfare. They mention real weapons like the chakram (see page 95), the mace, and the spear, but they also claim the ancient Indians had airplanes, invisibility shields, anti-aircraft missiles, and atomic weapons. Google “ancient India atomic bomb” and you’ll see site after site claiming to have found evidence of irradiated dirt that proves the ancients of the Vedic period had mastered splitting the atom. All of the sites (some with perfectly legitimate names like ufoevidence) copy and paste the same text, and give no link or source for any of it. Any skeptic worth his or her salt should be, well . . . skeptical. No disrespect to anyone who believes this, but come the fuck on. Sure, I’d like to believe in nagastra, the divine weapon that summons thousands of snakes to rain from the sky. But a serious scientific publication like ours can’t give credence to anything that doesn’t have solid, empirical evidence supporting it. If I’m wrong, may nagastra strike me down.

  EASE OF USE: (must be devout Hindu)

  ADVANTAGES: Ability to destroy planets, dry up oceans, and make snakes rain from the sky

  DISADVANTAGES: It’s probably not real

  WAR ELEPHANTS One thing we do know the Indians had was elephants. Lots of them. And they were trained for warfare too, which was unlike anything the world’s other armies had ever seen. The most immediate advantage of leading a herd of elephants into battle is the shock value. Not only is a squad of pachyderms going to turn your enemies’ spines to jelly, it’s also going to spook the hell out of their horses. It was not uncommon for an entire fleet of horses to flee the battle after smelling and hearing a hundred elephants coming over the hill. The other uses in combat are obvious: Elephants can stomp opposing infantry deep into the mud. So easily, in fact, that elephant stomps were prescribed by ancient India’s Laws of Manu as a preferred method of capital punishment. Elephants also give a serious advantage to archers and javelineers, who can sit high atop the beast and rain a shitstorm of arrows onto the enemy without ever being touched. And if that’s not enough of an advantage, you can equip your elephants’ tusks with swords. (Seriously, what’s going to beat an elephant with a sword?) There were even reports of Indian generals who affixed heavy metal balls to their elephant’s tusks and trained the beasts to swing them like gigantic flails. The Asian elephants impressed Alexander the Great so much that he took a few back to Macedonia with him, and started the elephant revolution on the battlefields of Europe. Europeans began importing most of their elephants from Africa, and the demand was so great that they single-handedly wiped out the entire species of North African forest elephants in just a few centuries. (Yay, white people!)

  DATE OF ORIGIN: 1100 BCE

  USED BY: India; China; Persia; Macedonia; circuses; and Hannibal of Carthage, who usually gets all the credit

  ADVANTAGES: Strength, size, shock value

  DISADVANTAGES: Elephants can go batshit and kill their allies if they’re wounded

  STEEL BOW The composite bow is a solid weapon. It’s relatively powerful, much more so than a single-material self bow. But—and this is no slight against any composite bow enthusiasts—it has problems with longevity. The enemy of the composite bow is moisture, and India certainly has plenty of that. And so the ancient Hindus were open to alternative materials. As one of the first—if not the first—countries to enter the age of steel, India had an obvious replacement for these composites. They began mining a substance known as wootz, an iron ore that would make some of the best steel for over a millennium. Carbon—as well as tungsten and other such alloying elements—acts a hardening agent between the steel particles, and this wootz stuff had just the right amount of it to create a perfectly hard, perfectly elastic, virtually indestructible steel weapon that could hold its edge for an eternity. Wootz bows were considerably more rigid than their composite bretheren, meaning they were also less powerful. But they were reliable and predictable, and could be stored away in munitions vaults without worry of decomposition. Like so many other people in history, the ancient Indians found themselves willing to sacrifice a little quality for a lot of convenience. They broke up with the unstable but good-looking composite bow and hitched themselves to the safe but boring steel bow, for better or worse. For the next few years, the steel bow became the ideal way to arm large groups of soldiers who would be fighting from a distance.

  DATE OF ORIGIN: 300 BCE

  MADE FAMOUS BY: That hillbilly chick from The Hunger Games

  ADVANTAGES: Reliable, shiny, ornately adorned, can be used in the rain; perfectly safe and dependable

  DISADVANTAGES: Less power; won’t turn you on like your old composite bow

  Chapter 4.

  HEMLOCK & SODOMY

  (PARTY WITH THE GREEKS)

  500–200 BCE

  MANY PEOPLE consider ancient Greece the cradle of civilization. The Greeks produced countless philosophers. They were avid sailors. They participated in direct democracy. They practically invented art and literature. But more importantly, ancient Greece was the cradle of good times. The philosopher Epicurus encouraged his brethren to seek pleasure above all else. The Greeks responded by creating the drinking party, known as the symposium. They also ate four meals a day—all while lying on their sides. They could shred on the lute. They cranked out erotic sculptures like nobody’s business. They even turned warfare into a party, getting wicked gay with each other in between battles—sometimes even during battles.

  THE PHALANX

  Your Spear Is in My Aspis!

  Just how gay was ancient Greece? This is a question scholars have pondered for centuries. For starters, the Greeks transformed the act of warfare into a group activity that involved hundreds of ripped, sweaty dudes piling on top of each other. The phalanx formation, as it was known, was a big, symmetrical square comprised of several rows of infantrymen. The soldiers, known as hoplites, locked arms and fought with their spears erect and their shields, or aspises, touching each other. Warfare would no longer be an individual sport. It was about moving as one massive, um, unit. The troops in the front of the phalanx attempted to penetrate the enemy lines with their shafts, while the troops in the back pushed them from behind. It was half war, and half orgy. A “war-gy,” if you will, with the participants alternating between humping and stabbing. The front line of the phalanx was undoubtedly the place you didn’t want to be. For one, you had to be in superhuman shape. Try pushing your couch around the living room for two minutes, and you’ll get an idea of the type of conditioning they maintained. They also had to have balls of steel—if a man went to fight at the front of a phalanx, he knew there was a decent chance he wouldn’t be returning to Athens. But as a consolation, he also knew he was going to be “Lucky Pierre” in the war-gy!

  DORY Phalanx formation didn’t allow for the side-to-side slashing action of a saber. It demanded something with thrusting power. Thus, each warrior in the phalanx came with his own six-to-ten-foot spear—the dory—which was the most important weapon of ancient Mediterranean warfare. A phalanx clash typically began with both sides sprinting toward each other and colliding. It was not unusual for all of the spears in the front rows to break on this initial collision. But the brilliance of the dory lay in its other tip—which was also equipped with a butt spike, known as a lizard killer. This secondary spear tip served a few purposes: (1) You could use it when your spear broke and rendered the other tip
useless. (2) You could plant it into the ground to brace yourself against the opposing army. (3) It was a nice way to finish off any enemies who might be lying wounded under your feet. (4) It made a good counterweight, allowing you to wield the spear with more stability. (5) You could fight dirty with it and skewer your enemy in the genitals—killing his lizard indeed. Exactly how the spears were thrust is still a hot topic of debate among losers with no girlfriends. The consensus seems to be that the soldiers in the front row wielded the spear in an overhead stab, while the rear hoplites held theirs upright until everyone in front of them had been killed. It was rare for a phalanx to lose that many people, though. Battles usually ended without large numbers of casualties, and the rear hoplites would pretend to be upset that they didn’t see any action. Then they would go home and secretly cry to their wives/beards about how they almost got killed. Ah, the valor of war!

  EASE OF USE:

  USED BY: Ancient Greek hoplites

  FAMOUS VICTIMS: The Persians at the Battle of Thermopylae

  PRECURSOR TO: Sarissa (see page 59), various polearms

  USED WITH: Aspis; hot, sweaty man-physique

  SARISSA Philip II, better known as Alexander the Great’s father, must have had some serious issues with penis size. Under his rule, the Greeks began to phase out the dory in favor of an even longer spear—the sarissa. This new, massive pike was between twelve and eighteen feet in length, so large that it had to be gripped with both hands (tee-hee). This meant that the heavy aspis had to be discarded for a much smaller shield, but the sarissa proved to be worth the sacrifice. Hoplites had to undergo extensive training to use these new giant spears. They developed upper-body muscles they didn’t know they had. By the time training was complete, these sarissa-wielding infantry could raise and lower their arms in unison, creating an intimidating whoosh from the wind they produced. These new arms were much longer than any weapon in use at the time, so naturally, the opposing armies had a rough time getting close to the new phalanxes. The sarissa was only effective within the phalanx, however. An individual soldier using it in the open was liable to be hacked to pieces by anyone who could get inside its reach. Another drawback was its unwieldiness. Even after an impressive training regimen, the infantry with sarissas took much longer to pivot, meaning they could often be outflanked and outmaneuvered, especially in uneven terrain. As the Greeks would learn the hard way, size isn’t everything.

  EASE OF USE: (that shit is heavy!)

  DATE OF ORIGIN: 359 BCE

  ADVANTAGES: Long reach

  DISADVANTAGES: Unwieldy; useless in individual combat; suggests obvious hang-ups with genitalia size

  EARLY CATAPULTS By the fourth century BCE, the people of the Greek colony of Syracuse, Sicily, were having a serious problem with Carthaginian invaders. The ruler of Syracuse, Dionysius the Elder, decided to amass a pool of artisans and engineers to develop weapons to defend the city, like a space program for ancient weapons. The result was the catapult. Not the medieval type with the scoop-shaped basket that we typically associate with the word. This was more of a large crossbow used as an antipersonnel device. Dionysius’s crew used it to provide cover for their siege towers in taking the Carthaginian stronghold of Motya. In the years following, the Greeks would continue to expand the size of their catapults. They would discover that a bow could only be so large before becoming impractical. The Greeks would turn to a new catapult technology—the torsion spring—for their next wave of war machines. While the previous gastraphetes (literally “gut-bow”) model propelled its projectile by pulling back a giant bowstring, the new torsion models—called ballistae—stored energy by twisting large coils of horsehair or animal sinew. When released, these coiled fibers would unwind and discharge the catapult’s missile, which was now bigger and more powerful than ever before. Rather than firing puny wooden arrows, the torsion catapult could launch heavy stone balls. This meant it could take out walls, not just people. It could then use the pieces of the smashed wall as ammunition to smash more walls, like a self-feeding perpetual wall-smasher.

  DATE OF ORIGIN: 400 BCE

  BIRTHPLACE: Syracuse, Sicily

  GUY WHO TOOK ALL THE CREDIT: Dionysius the Elder

  PRECURSOR TO: Trebuchet (see page 114); onager (see page 71); futuristic death rays of tomorrow

  ASPIS The Greeks loved to talk about bravery in warfare. And it’s easy to be brave when you’re standing behind a massive shield like the aspis (or hoplon, as it’s often known). This large bronze-plated oval was so impenetrable it’s a wonder anyone ever died in the Greek phalanxes. In a way, we can thank the hoplon for the classical era. It kept the Greeks alive in battle, giving them more time to focus on art, philosophy, democracy, and pederasty. Without it, the phalanx wouldn’t have been possible. It was enormous for its time—half the shield protected the wielder’s left side, and half protected the man to his left. This, of course, meant that the unlucky bastards on the far right of the phalanx were left unprotected on their right sides. The aspis was also heavy, an estimated sixteen to eighteen pounds. Fortunately for the hoplites, the shield was designed to rest on the shoulder. Also fortunately, the aspis’s mass meant that it served as a weapon in addition to a shield. It was not uncommon for a hoplite to swing the shield at his opponent after hacking with his sword (picture a one-two punch). A thrust with the aspis could knock a man down, and swinging it with the rim pointing out could break his jaw. But as amazing as the aspis was for the Greeks, in some sense, it ruined the excitement of battles. A well-shielded phalanx was probably a lot like watching a boxer with really good defensive skills. Sure, it’s impressive, but who the hell wants to see that shit?

  EASE OF USE:

  (considerable strength required)

  ADVANTAGES: Keeps you alive

  DISADVANTAGES: Makes warfare boring

  USER REVIEWS: “I hit him right in the aspis for two hours. Nothing happened! We called it a tie and went home.”

  The Baddest Weapon of Antiquity

  ARCHIMEDES’ BRAIN

  When most people hear the name Archimedes, they think of some principle they learned in science class. But know this: Archimedes was a genuine badass, and his brain was one of the most devastating weapons of the ancient world. Who was this mad genius of the Mediterranean? He was born in the Sicilian city of Syracuse, where he was under constant threat of siege by the greatest of armies—the Romans. Archimedes is best known for his math chops—he calculated pi to some ungodly digit. He wrote extensive explanations of levers and pulleys. He devised a formula to calculate density. While studying in Egypt, he developed a screw-shaped water pump that is used to this day. But, this being a book about weapons, we’re going to focus on Archimedes’ awe-inspiring machines of death. For starters: catapults. The old Greek war machines were crude and imprecise, but Archimedes’ used his wicked math smarts to give them finer control. Archimedes’ catapults could launch projectiles with a predictable flight pattern, allowing them to accurately hit targets that were hundreds of yards away. This was like witchcraft to the ignorant mouth-breathers of the time. He even made catapults in a variety of strengths and sizes. Archimedes designed holes in the walls of Syracuse to allow for the use of small hand-held ballistae called scorpions. He also surprised the hell out of the Roman navy with an invention called the Claw of Archimedes. As fantastical as it sounds, this pulley-powered crane would swing above the invading ships and drop a claw-like instrument into the water. The crane lifted the claw up, gripping the sides of the enemy ship and capsizing it. This terrified the Roman navy so much that they would tremble at the sight of any wooden beam extending over the water. Another alleged invention of Archimedes was the heat ray. According to the author Lucian, Archimedes set fire to invading ships by reflecting sunlight off hundreds of bronze shields. The validity of this account is shaky, especially since there is no mention of it before the second century CE, long after Archimedes’ time. But hey, who’s to say Archimedes’ heat ray isn’t alive in our hearts?


  Chapter 5.

  THE ROMANS: SICK FUCKS

  200 BCE–300 CE

  OKAY. Before I get a ton of letters from all our ancient Roman readers, let me explain. It’s not that the Romans contributed nothing to society. Remember the John Cleese bit, “What have the Romans ever done for us?” That pretty much sums it up. Many of their countless contributions to civic engineering are still with us today. Thanks to the Romans, mankind no longer had to shit in the street. For the first time ever, people had proper sewage systems to whisk away their waste. The Romans also gave everybody paved roads and water fountains. They were inventive, and what they didn’t invent, they had the good sense to steal and claim as their own. They often improved these technologies. The Romans had some good qualities, but you have to admit they were sick fucks. They were such gluttons that they routinely vomited up their meals just so they could eat dinner all over again. They also got their rocks off watching slaves die in the coliseum. They turned crucifixion into a national pastime. And then there were the weapons they created . . .