A History of Weapons

by John O'Bryan

  USED IN: India, Persia, Sudan, and everywhere in between

  PRECURSOR TO: Madu (see page 205), fakir’s crutch (see page 202), Darth Maul’s double light saber

  ALSO AVAILABLE: Triple-bladed haladie, single-bladed bich’hwa dagger

  CHAKRAM Frisbee, no matter how “ultimate,” is a tedious game. It’s slow and pointless, the disc takes forever to land, and it never goes where you want it to. The Sikhs and Rajputs, on the other hand, knew of a surefire way to make the Frisbee exciting. These longtime defenders of India made one of the most interesting projectile weapons in the history of warfare—a sharp metal ring of death called the chakram. It was less like a disc and more like a halo (picture those discs from TRON, only ancienter and realer), and it was an essential part of the arsenals of certain Indian warriors for many centuries. While it’s doubtful the chakram could pack the wallop of a steel bow or an atlatl, we know it struck terror in the hearts of many warriors attempting to take northern India. Chakrams were easier to wield from horseback than the oversized Indian bows, and they could be worn on the arms and concealed in turbans—in large numbers, at that. They could also be thrown several at a time for a badass shotgun-style discus attack. If a chakram was made properly, it could fly without sound. And possibly land in some poor bastard’s jugular before he ever knew it was coming. See? That’s way better than Frisbee. Just don’t throw it to your dog on the beach.

  DATE OF ORIGIN: Uncertain, but referenced in ancient Hindu texts from the fourth century BCE

  ALSO KNOWN AS: War quoit

  ADVANTAGES: Unique, fashionable (can be worn as an accessory)

  DISADVANTAGES: Dogs always running off with them

  PRECURSOR TO: Aerobie

  MADE FAMOUS BY: Vishnu, Xena Warrior Princess

  Think You’re Tough?

  THE RAJPUTS WOULD TOTALLY BEAT YOUR ASS

  In the pantheon of toughest all-time warriors, the Indian Rajputs are often overlooked. They’re not quite as famous as the samurai or the Roman gladiators, not as iconic as the Spartan hoplites, and not as well-traveled as the Mongols. But believe this: the ancient Rajputs could hold their own against 99 percent of history’s baddest fighters. From about the sixth century onward, the Rajputs defended the borders of northwestern India against countless Muslim invaders who wanted to claim India’s fertile farmland for their own. From atop horseback, the Rajputs patrolled the vast Himalayan terrain with the swagger of Bengal tigers in heat. In later centuries, they were so ballsy they frowned upon firearms, which were clearly for cowards. The Rajputs’ primary weapon was the khanda, though they were also proficient with the tulwar (see scimitar, page 113), lance, bow, katar, haladie, battle-axe, and to a much lesser extent, the chakram and aara (urumi, see page 92). But even more impressive than their balls and their weapon skill was their tenacity. The Rajputs were the descendents of kings, and their pride in their royal ancestry forbid them from allowing foreigners to have dominion over them. In the unlikely event that the Rajputs were losing a fight, they would throw themselves into certain death on the battlefield to avoid the shame of surrendering (especially to non-Hindus). And it was not uncommon for their wives and children to follow them into the afterlife by burning themselves alive. This legendary tenacity so impressed the British that the Rajputs were labeled a martial race—meaning they could rumble without giving a fuck.

  Chapter 7.

  BARBARIANS, BYZANTINES

  & BEOWULF

  EUROPE’S

  DARK AGES

  400–1300 CE

  AS WE SAW in Chapter 3, the Romans were a massive pain in the ass for anyone living within a thousand miles of the Italian peninsula. But eventually, little by little, the Roman army was spread too thin. They enlisted the help of neighboring barbarians, and before they knew it, the Roman army was full of stammering savages who didn’t give two shits about the empire. Rome fell. Barbarians ran roughshod over the European countryside, raping and pillaging as they pleased. Chaos ensued, punk rock was born, and a new cast of wacky tyrants made their way onto the world stage. These new guys would make the Romans look like Sunday school teachers.

  A DATE WITH ATTILA

  Having Dinner with “The Scourge of God”

  Congratulations! You’ve been invited to dinner with Attila the Hun. Here are a few things you should know first:

  The scar on his cheek is a Hun thing. They cut the cheeks of their children at a very young age. It’s not as cruel as it sounds, though. They’re just preparing them for the pain of life on the open steppe. Hun parents do other mean things to toughen up their kids, like naming them Attila.

  Don’t bring up his brother Bleda the Hun. He ruled for a brief time before Attila. He died in a suspicious hunting accident, possibly at the hands of Attila. It’s a touchy subject, and it’s best to avoid it.

  Attila may be fabulously wealthy, but he doesn’t use any of his valuables. He drinks from wooden cups, sits on a wooden throne, and lives in a wooden house, while all that gold just sits in his coffers. Go figure. But he insists that his guests eat from the fancy dishes. So don’t be rude—use the silver.

  Whatever you do, don’t make the joke, “So, you must be really Hungary.” He’s heard it. And he hates it.

  Attila is a tad arrogant. He believes his power is sent from above. Legend has it he possesses the sword of the war god Mars, so there’s that. And his nickname “The Scourge of God” speaks volumes about his ego.

  Don’t count on him picking up the check. In fact, he might demand that you pay him in gold. It’s best that you do it. Otherwise he’ll be whipping out the aforementioned Sword of Mars, and your innards will be splattered all over the dessert cart. Please, just pay the man.

  HUN HORSES The only thing tougher than the Huns was their horses. Attila and his crew pillaged everything between China and France with the help of this animal, which they began riding before they could walk. The only reason we’re talking about horses at all in this book is because the steeds of the Huns were a weapon unto themselves. Faster than anything God or man had created up to this point (except for the cheetah, which was too small and ornery to ride), the Hun horse was a snorting beast from hell that was reviled by the more “civilized” Romans. The Hunnic horse was typically leaner than its Roman counterpart. It was butt-ugly, with bulging eyes and long, tangled hair—a nightmare of sinew and protruding bones. It was kept in the pasture year-round without shelter, unlike the candy-ass ponies of the Romans, which enjoyed luxuries like stables and veterinary care. Because of this lack of pampering, the Hunnic horse had an incredibly hardy constitution. It could gallop for hundreds of miles without getting tired or sick. Once enemies were spotted, the Hun horses would encircle them while their riders unleashed a hellish storm of bone-tipped arrows from their composite bows. When every last enemy lay dead on the ground, the Hun horses would then gallop off to conquer some other country thousands of miles away. They were even responsible for giving the Huns milk along the way. What the fuck have your pets done today?

  EASE OF USE: (riding lessons required)

  PRECURSOR TO: Mongolian horse

  USED WITH: Hunnic bows; whips instead of spurs

  FAMOUS VICTIMS: Europe, which it galloped across at breakneck speeds

  FRANCISCA FALX (THROWING AXE) The Franks didn’t invent the axe. Nor did they invent the throwing axe. But they may have been the first to put it to regular use as a standard part of their military arsenal. In fact, they used it so much and so well that people stopped calling it a throwing axe and named it after the Franks themselves. The francisca may not have killed as many people as a bow and arrow, but its effectiveness was unquestionable. It was used in much the same way as the Roman pilum and plumbata. Once the Frankish forces were within forty feet of the opposing army, they would hurl their axes—most likely in a high, overhead arch—and cause sudden panic in their adversaries. The enemy’s shields would go up to block the hail storm of axe blades raining down on them. Even if the axe didn’t land on its e
dge, the head was still heavy enough to shatter a wooden shield with blunt force alone. And even the axes that missed were dangerous, as they would usually bounce off the ground in unpredictable directions. The enemy would scatter in fear of catching a francisca in the taint. All this chaos would give the Franks plenty of time to move in and run their opponents through with spears or club them to death with stale baguettes.

  DATE OF ORIGIN: 400 CE

  PRECURSOR TO: Dane axe; medieval hurlbat

  ADVANTAGES: Concealable; can shatter wooden shields; can chop firewood; huge psychological effect on enemies

  DISADVANTAGES: Has less range than a bow; must be within forty feet to use

  MADE FAMOUS BY: The French; circus performers; Dwarven warriors with a dexterity higher than 12

  Here It Is, Nerds

  THE TOP 10 MYTHOLOGICAL WEAPONS OF ALL ERAS

  The early Dark Ages were home to both Beowulf and King Arthur. So what better place to compile our top ten mythological weapons of every era?

  10 Ame-No-Nuhoko Why not kick off our list with the Shinto weapon that began all life on Earth? Used by the gods Izanagi and Izanami, this bejeweled naginata (see page 130) was dipped into the oceans to make the first solid land on earth. Thanks for making the continents, Japan.

  9 Narsil Straight from the mind of J. R. R. Tolkien, this bad boy was broken in two when Elendil used it to whack the Dark Lord Sauron. Many Tolkien books later, the Narsil was glued back together by sexy elves and renamed Andúril, which means “Viggo Mortensen’s sword.”

  8 Ruyi Jingu Bang In the Chinese novel Journey to the West, the Monkey King is a rebellious creature who makes himself immortal through Taoist practices. He gains unlimited strength and is ultimately given a magical iron rod known as Ruyi Jingu Bang. This rod has the power to blow up into a monstrous eight-ton staff. It can also multiply and fight on its own. But perhaps most importantly, it can shrink down to the size of a sewing needle and rest behind the Monkey King’s ear. Convenience is everything.

  7 Zeus’ Thunderbolt Zeus was the most powerful god in the Greek pantheon, and the thunderbolt was his weapon of choice. It was first given to him by a Cyclops (how fucking metal is that?). From high atop Mount Olympus, Zeus could hurl his bolts at any living thing that displeased him.

  6 Mjölnir Thor’s hammer, Mjölnir, was capable of much more than crushing his enemies. It was powerful enough to level mountains. He could also throw it through the air and hit any target, no matter how far away. Even more awesomely, after the hammer had flattened its victim into lingonberry pancakes, it would return to Thor’s hand.

  5 The Sudarshana Chakra This spinning discus was more than a steel chakram. It was Lord Vishnu’s weapon of ultimate destruction. Created by Shiva, the chakra was given to Vishnu to kill demons that were tormenting the gods of Hinduland. The chakra was covered in two rows of sharp points, which rotated like saw blades. The weapon wasn’t thrown with the hand but by the power of the mind. Once launched, it would hunt down the enemy and destroy him physically and spiritually. Think about this the next time you want to start shit with a Hindu deity.

  4 Excalibur Often confused with the Sword in the Stone (a completely different sword), Excalibur was the blade given to King Arthur by the Lady of the Lake. Not only did this make him the sovereign ruler of Britain, but it made him unkillable, which is generally a good quality to have.

  3 Light Saber If you don’t know what this is, you probably live underwater. The light saber takes the bronze in our mythological weapons competition.

  2 Gáe Bulg No, it’s not pronounced “gay bulge,” and it’s not remotely pornographic. But it’s pretty cool anyway. Gáe Bulg is the spear of the legendary Celtic warrior Cúchulainn. This mythical weapon is ranked number two for its originality: it was thrown with the toes. Once the spear had pierced the flesh, its barbs fanned out, making it impossible to remove. But most importantly, it was used by Cúchulainn to kill his best friend Ferdiad by piercing him through the anus. Okay, so maybe that’s a little pornographic.

  1 Zulfiqar This bifurcated menace is number one on our list for several reasons. It was sent from heaven to Muhammad (photo not available), who passed it along to his warrior/cousin Ali. With his new Zulfiqar, Ali slayed a Meccan soldier who possessed the strength of a thousand men. Many Muslims believe the Zulfiqar killed more people than any weapon in history. As if that weren’t enough for it to claim the top spot, its name literally means “cleaver of the spine.” Winner, winner, shawarma dinner!

  GREEK FIRE A substance whose name hardly does it justice, Greek fire was bad stuff that could ruin anyone’s day. A better name might have been “Satan’s shit,” since that’s exactly what its victims thought they were seeing when they were engulfed in this liquid hellfire. A combustible liquid that was squirted through large tubes, Greek fire is often thought of as the ancient world’s napalm. It clung to its target and burned until it was spent, and you couldn’t extinguish it with water. Its exact ingredients were a closely guarded secret, still unknown to this day, though most scholars think it probably involved petroleum, sulfur, pitch, and/or potassium nitrate. The first documented use of Greek fire was in 672 CE at the walls of Constantinople, the capital of the Byzantines. With an armada of Arab ships on their way to claim the city for Allah, a bright young architect named Kallinikos whipped up a batch of Greek fire, which he allegedly invented on the spot. With the help of this ancient napalm, the Byzantines sent the Arab fleet up in flames and thwarted not one but two Muslim invasions (before eventually losing the city to the Muslims in 1453). Later variations of the weapon were launched in clay grenades, giving the Greek fire even more range and allowing the Byzantines to incinerate every living thing within a three-hundred-yard radius of their city. Good times.

  DATE OF ORIGIN: 672 CE

  TYPE OF DAMAGE: Incendiary

  PRECURSOR TO: Napalm

  FAMOUS VICTIMS: The Arab navy

  DANE AXE As everyone knows, the Vikings were big mofos who needed big weapons. The broad axe, or Dane axe, as it’s more commonly known, was exactly that—a big, heavy skull-cleaver that had to be wielded with both arms. This wasn’t the primary weapon of the Vikings. (That would’ve been the sword and spear, which we’ve already covered ad nauseam.) It was, however, one of their coolest and most emblematic armaments. The Vikings began using axes out of necessity. The axe was a plentiful weapon that everyone had lying around the house, so it soon became co-opted for warfare. As the axes became adapted more for splitting skulls than firewood, their blades started to become thinner. By the tenth century, the bona fide Dane axe was born—a sharp, thin blade able to chop right through helmet and skull. The wielder could even use it to hook an opponent, pull his legs out from under him, or disarm him. It was, however, a somewhat unwieldy weapon. It lacked the speed and agility of a sword, and its wielder was completely unprotected, since he didn’t have a free hand for a shield. This meant the Viking axeman was not usually the first line of defense. He would hang back, and just when the enemy’s defenses were down, the axeman would swoop in and plant his Dane axe right in his opponent’s cerebral cortex. Then the Viking axe-man would retreat to the mead hall for a night of merriment and epic poetry recitals.

  DATE OF ORIGIN: 900 CE

  USED BY: Vikings; Saxons; Duke of Normandy’s bodyguards

  ADVANTAGES: Power; can cleave through a helmet; surprisingly versatile; easy to find

  DISADVANTAGES: Slow; momentum is a bitch; easily outmaneuvered by a skilled swordsman; zero protection

  JESUS VS. MUHAMMAD: WEAPONRY OF THE CRUSADES

  They don’t call it the Dark Ages for nothing. Ignorance reigned supreme, and religious fervor held sway in lieu of intellectual curiosity, which wouldn’t come to Europe for another few centuries. In many ways, Homo sapiens had taken a big step back. Instead of using the sewage systems of the Romans, man now crapped in a bucket and tossed his waste right out the window. People were—literally and figuratively—ankle-deep in shit. Luckily, the Pope had a
solution. Instead of Europeans walking around in their own feces and fighting each other, how about they get a posse together and go kick some Muslim ass? It sounded way better than sitting at home with all that excrement. And so it was that white Christians from all across Europe began the migration to reclaim the holy city of Jerusalem from the Saracens (the crusader term for all Muslims). Knights in shiny plate armor prepared to fight side-by-side with toothless hicks from the sheep farms, all hoping that God would give them extra heaven points for fighting the Holy War. On paper, it was a solid plan. In actuality, the Christians were about to embark on the suckiest vacation in history.

  FLANGED MACE The Muslim armies found themselves facing a European foe that heavily out-armored them. This was partly due to the scarcity of iron in the Islamic countries and partly due to the Muslims knowing not to wear heavily padded armor in the hot fucking desert. Regardless, they still had to contend with a European soldier who was covered in thick, padded chain mail. Slashing weapons like the backsword weren’t going to penetrate this metallic membrane. Luckily for the Muslims, the mace had been undergoing a facelift over the centuries. It now featured deep flanges—or ribs—that could tear up heavy infidel shields and armor like they were junk mail. It quickly became one of the chief weapons of the Islamic infantry, who broke many an Anglo-Saxon skull with their new flanged maces. This made such an impression on the Europeans that they decided to use this ribbed head-splitter on each other as soon as they got back home.