Declare (Declan Reede: The Untold Story #4)

by Michelle Irwin

  Mum touched my cheek tenderly. “My little boy is well and truly grown up now, isn’t he?”

  I shrugged her off. I was doing what I thought Alyssa needed; that’s all that mattered to me.

  Within ten minutes, Alyssa and I were in a taxi on the way to the Royal Brisbane Hospital. Alyssa was a bundle of nervous energy beside me. Her foot bounced excitedly as we travelled.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as the taxi dropped us at the front door. It was our second visit to a hospital in little over a week. At least this was for a much happier occasion than Morgan’s accident. I hoped.

  Alyssa nodded as she looked up at the building in front of her. She’d spent so much time there in Phoebe’s early life that just the sight of the place was bound to cause her some panic. I rubbed my hand gently on the small of her back.

  “It’s fine,” I murmured quietly into her ear. “Everything will be all right.”

  “How can you know that for sure though?” she asked, turning to me, and I saw all of her fears, and all of the reasons she didn’t want to try for more children, written on her face.

  “I don’t,” I admitted. “But sometimes you’ve got to have a little bit of faith.”

  With a little nod, she took a deep breath and walked into the hospital with me in tow.

  AS SOON as news went out that Alyssa and I had arrived, she was whisked off to join Josh and Ruth, who were already helping Ruby in the birthing suite. I was all for it, until I realised it left me alone in the waiting room with Killer Curtis.

  “Didn’t expect to see you again so soon,” Curtis muttered, looking up over the top of a magazine at me. He seemed surprised to see me there, as if he thought I’d simply drop Alyssa at the hospital and leave her there alone. As if I could.

  I didn’t know how long we were going to be thrust together, but I figured it was fate or the universe or some shit trying to tell me to play nice and try to patch things up with my father-in-law.

  “We came as soon as we heard.”

  “You may as well sit,” he muttered. “We could be here for a while. Ruth was in labour with Lys for almost a whole day.”

  A day stuck alone with Curtis? I was in some kind of hell. Or maybe I wasn’t. Maybe it was just opportunity knocking loudly on the door.

  “How about when Alyssa was in here?” I asked. “With the twins?”

  He flinched at my mention of Alyssa’s hospital trip before looking back at me and meeting my eyes. Something he saw there must have given him encouragement to continue.

  “No, her trip was much quicker, because of the emergency. She was taken straight into surgery to have her caesarean. She wasn’t even awake when the babies were born.”

  I sat on the single-seater lounge across from him. “Were you there for her?” I asked.

  “Everyone came. Everyone who cared about her was there when she needed them.”

  “No,” I said adamantly. “Not everyone. You have to believe that. I still cared for her. If I had even the slightest inkling of what was going on with her, and if my head wasn’t in my own arse at the time, I would have been there for her too.”

  “If you cared so much, why did you leave? You had to know it would hurt her.”

  “Of course I did,” I snapped, instantly regretting my tone. I buried my head in my hands. “I just thought it would be better for her in the long run,” I admitted. “I didn’t think I wanted—” I laughed bitterly at the stupidity of my younger self, and of what it had cost me. “Well, everything I’ve got now actually.”

  “I’ll never understand how you could walk away so callously. Even if you didn’t know about the pregnancy and all that other stuff, how could you just leave? How could you not even call?”

  I sighed. I didn’t think I would be able to adequately describe my thought process from when I’d left Alyssa. I barely understood it myself anymore. I turned the question back on him. “Before I left, would you have said I loved her?”

  He regarded me for a few moments. “Yes,” he answered somewhat begrudgingly.

  “Then you have to understand that I didn’t ‘just leave.’ Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. That’s exactly why I know I’ll never do it again. I can’t live without her, Curtis.”

  “I still don’t understand how you could do it,” he admitted.

  I chuckled without mirth. “Neither do I, but it seemed like the only logical solution to my seventeen-year-old self. And then I was too stubborn and hurting too much to fix it.”

  He hummed then sat in quiet contemplation for a few minutes. I thought the conversation was over until he finally spoke. “So, how do you know you’re not going anywhere this time? How do you know that you won’t think it’s the best thing for her again?”

  “I can’t do that to her again because I know now that she needs me as much as I need her. And I need her like I need oxygen.”

  I could see by the softer expression on his face that he at least realised that I wasn’t going anywhere, and maybe that walking away hadn’t been as easy for me as he’d originally thought. Maybe we still weren’t quite back to where we had been before my disappearing act, but we were getting closer.

  We sat in silence for another hour before Alyssa came back out from the delivery room.

  “It’s a little boy,” she said. A smile lit her face. “Mum and bub are both doing great. Ruby’s just being moved to the ward now, but she’s asking for you, Dad.”

  Curtis’s smile matched Alyssa’s, and for half a second, I felt like I was intruding on a private moment. He stood and walked past her, giving her a little squeeze as he went.

  I waited as Alyssa walked over to me and sat on my lap, sighing softly. I wrapped my arms around her gently, trying to anticipate the different emotions that could overwhelm us both.

  “Are you all right?” I whispered, giving her the opportunity to admit it privately if she wasn’t. I was worried that seeing Ruby give birth to a healthy baby boy would cause her some grief.

  She gave me an odd look, no doubt questioning the reason behind my gentle probing. I chuckled softly. “Never mind, I just thought . . .”

  She nodded quickly, her expression showing she had realised where I was coming from. “Really, I’m all right. In fact, I’m better than all right. It was just so special being in there and seeing how different things can be.”

  I stroked her hair as she leaned against my chest.

  “I guess it’s nice to be reminded that not every birth leads to a death.”

  I kissed her hand, uncertain what else to say.

  “Ruby was asking for you too.”

  “Really?” I asked, somewhat shocked.

  She laughed. “Of course, don’t sound so surprised. You’re family now.”

  “Whether they like it or not?” I chuckled.

  Alyssa laughed in response.

  “Shall we give your folks a few moments alone with them?”

  She nodded against me.

  “How about we go to the gift shop while we wait?”

  “You really are a softy, you know?” She laughed before standing and offering her hand to me.

  “Just don’t tell anyone.” I winked at her. “I’ve still got a reputation to protect.”

  WE FOUND an extremely overpriced gift basket with a little blue teddy bear and some chocolates in the hospital gift shop. We decided to stop for a quick drink while we waited, to give Ruth and Curtis some extra quality time with the new family. Alyssa told me about the part of the birth she had witnessed—although I suspected that she edited the story heavily. A fact I was thankful for.

  After our drinks, we headed back to the maternity ward and found Ruby’s room. We quietly made our way through the door, just as Ruth and Curtis were leaving. Ruth touched my shoulder lightly as they passed. Alyssa’s hand grabbed on to mine, and she tugged me the last of the distance to Ruby’s bed.

  Ruby was sitting upright in the bed with a tiny bundle of blankets cradled to her chest. She looked exhausted bu
t thrilled.

  “Hey, Mummy,” Alyssa murmured, bending down to kiss Ruby’s cheek. “How is he?”

  “Who? Noah or Josh?” Ruby giggled. I couldn’t say when—or if—I had ever seen her so full of joy and peace.

  Josh stood up from the side of the bed just then, juggling a pile of clothes, nappies, and a bag.

  “Did someone say my—” His eyes fell on me, and he stopped cold.

  Alyssa squeezed my hand; I wasn’t sure whether it was in support or to tell me to say something.

  “Congratulations,” I said, smiling in what I hoped was a winning way.

  Josh seemed to regard me for a moment before smiling weakly in return. “Thanks.”

  I felt both Alyssa and Ruby relax as the tension broke a little.

  “May I?” Alyssa asked Ruby, who paused for just a second before nodding and passing the bundle across.

  Alyssa’s well-practised hands cradled the baby in what I assumed were all the right places to ensure nothing happened to him. I watched in amazement as a small face and two clenched fists poked out from the blankets. He was so tiny. I couldn’t image Phoebe ever being so small, even though I knew logically that she must have been.

  In fact, she’d probably been even smaller.

  Alyssa squished in beside Ruby on the bed, bouncing and shushing the baby like a pro.

  She was such a natural mother, born to it. I felt the renewed sting of her confession about not wanting more kids. Had she felt a similar pain each time I’d professed the same desire to be childless? If so, I was hurting her long before I left.

  Ruby and Alyssa sat side by side on the bed whispering about something or other, and I felt like I didn’t belong. I wasn’t about to go up and clap Josh on the back for a job well done—awkward congrats were the best Alyssa and Ruby could hope to expect.

  Ruby nodded about something and then Alyssa stood and walked closer to me. “Here, why don’t you have a hold?”

  She held the baby out to me, and I shook my head.

  She looked almost amused. “Why not?”

  I bit my lip before whispering, “What if I hurt him?”

  She smiled in what I was certain was meant to be an assuring way. “You won’t hurt him.”

  I looked at the little bundle again. He seemed so small and fragile, like the slightest breeze would break the bundle of blankets apart.

  “If you’re worried, sit down,” Ruby said, smiling widely. “It makes it easier.”

  I sat in a vacant armchair in the corner of the room, swallowing nervously. Josh skulked by Ruby, watching intently—as if daring me to make a false move. Once I was seated, Alyssa explained how to hold my arms before placing the baby into them. The bundle felt almost weightless once I was cradling it on my own.

  I watched as his little eyes—wide and unfocused—roamed all around the room and his tiny fists clenched and unclenched by his mouth.

  “You’re a natural,” Ruby cooed. “Remember that hold for when you have more of your own.”

  Alyssa shifted nervously beside me, but I didn’t think Ruby or Josh noticed. I kept my mouth shut. If she hadn’t told them that she didn’t want more kids, I wasn’t going to spill her secret. Instead, I just ignored Ruby’s statement. Luckily, Noah seemed to have impeccable timing and started crying before the silence had become awkward and questions were asked of either Alyssa or me.

  Alyssa lifted the baby out of my arms and passed him back to Ruby before we made our excuses to leave. I knew any tentative peace between Josh and me wouldn’t last if I tried to stay while Ruby breastfed.

  We had a quiet journey back to the hotel where we went straight to the room that Phoebe shared with Mum. We didn’t even really discuss it, but being around one new little family made us both long to be with our own. We got Phoebe ready before heading out to Southbank and the museums together. It wasn’t exactly how I’d envisaged spending the day after my wedding, but afterward I couldn’t have imagined it any other way.

  CHAPTER THIRTY: HONEYMOON

  PHOEBE COULDN’T HAVE been more excited with the news about her new little cousin. At least once an hour, while at Southbank, we were asked when we would be going to see little Noah. We wanted to take her to see him, but didn’t want to disturb the other mothers in the maternity ward with an excited toddler. We agreed instead to wait for him to go home—Ruby had already indicated, repeatedly, that she wouldn’t be staying in hospital long.

  We stayed one more night in the hotel and when it was time to check out the following morning, we packed up the Monaro and headed back to see Mum in Browns Plains. Once she’d finished her holiday, she’d moved back into our old house, and when we returned from our day out, she discreetly let me know that she had plenty of space if we wanted to stay. I agreed readily because I could easily see that Alyssa wanted to hang around to help Ruby once she got home from the hospital. We had another week before either of us had to be back home for work.

  It was surreal entering my old childhood home knowing that someone else had lived there for so many months. All of the furniture was still in place, but the personal touches that had made it our home were still packed away in boxes. I didn’t know whether Mum would actually pull any of it back out or if she would just begin filling the shelves with new memories.

  We settled in quickly to my old room, and almost immediately realised the convenience of having a live-in babysitter—a convenience we were sure to take advantage of during our honeymoon. Mum seemed to appreciate the fact that we were newlyweds, declaring within moments of our arrival that she wanted to buy something for Phoebe, not-so-subtly taking Phoebe out for a few hours, leaving Alyssa and me alone.

  Alyssa snuggled close beside me on the couch, and I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. She sighed contentedly as she settled into place.

  “It’s been a big week,” she murmured.

  I nodded against the top of her head. “But a good one.”

  I could feel her grin against my arm. “So, you’re not concerned that Noah’s arrival overshadowed our wedding?”

  I laughed. “Are you kidding? It means I’ll never have any problem remembering my nephew’s birthday.”

  “Your nephew,” Alyssa breathed. There was so much emotion in those two small words.

  “What is it?” I asked, not sure that I understood why she seemed overwhelmed by my choice of words.

  She shifted her body weight before climbing onto my lap. “It’s just nice hearing you talk about Noah that way. Even though we were getting married, part of me worried that you might never accept my family again after the hard time they gave you,” she admitted.

  “Our family,” I murmured, to ease her concern. I kissed her nose gently to punctuate my point.

  “Our family.” She grinned, sliding back onto the couch and settling comfortably back against my side.

  We sat in silent awe for a few moments, allowing the enormity of the last few days to overtake us.

  Alyssa turned to me. “Are you as curious as I am about the presents we got?”

  I chuckled. “God, I thought you’d never ask.”

  We spent the next hour slowly opening each item. It wasn’t nearly as much fun as I’d hoped though. In fact, Alyssa suddenly switched to methodical bridezilla mode so fast it was almost comical—except for the fact that I was copping the brunt of a full-frontal assault. Before I even touched the first gift, I was under very strict instruction not to separate the presents from cards, because she needed to make a list of who gave us what so she could write the appropriate thank-you notes.

  Near the bottom of the pile, I found a gift from Danny and Hazel. It was an achingly familiar envelope. As I slid it open, my mind was immediately filled with the memory of opening the similar envelope in Danny’s office while being reprimanded for my on- and off-track behaviour at Bathurst the previous year. That one had contained the tickets for the trip that had changed my life forever.

  At the thought, I made a note to send Danny an extra thank-you card; he
had given me the best gift of all. It was through his interference that Alyssa and Phoebe were back in my life.

  As I examined the contents of his present, I realised it really was almost identical to the previous one. The only difference was that this time there were three tickets to London—premium economy rather than business—leaving Sydney in late January.

  “But I thought you didn’t meet the requirements?” Alyssa asked quietly when she saw what I held in my hands.

  I shook my head. “I didn’t.”

  “Wow. That’s really generous of him.”

  “You’re not wrong,” I murmured, turning the key to Danny’s apartment over in my hand again. I didn’t know why he’d chosen to give me the London trip even though I’d failed to earn it, but I appreciated the gift nonetheless. I grinned unthinkingly as I imagined reliving some of the better parts of that trip.

  “What are you thinking about?” Alyssa asked quietly, her voice low and husky, making me wonder if she was having similar thoughts.

  “I was just remembering the huge stainless-steel island in the kitchen.” I grinned and met Alyssa’s eyes.

  She flushed slightly and looked away, gently biting her lip. “That apartment had a great icemaker,” she murmured.

  I was impossibly hard as images of Alyssa writhing beneath me while I tortured her with whiskey and ice sprung to my mind. I adjusted myself quickly, but my movement didn’t escape Alyssa’s keen eye. I slid the key and plane tickets back into the envelope and placed it on top of our little pile of treasures before standing and reaching for Alyssa’s hand.

  “What?” she asked.

  “I think it’s time for a break.” My hard-on was straining desperately. I needed her.

  “And what, exactly, did you have in mind for our break?” she asked as I pulled her to her feet and straight into my arms.

  “Oh, I think a re-enactment is in order,” I whispered against her cheek as I ran one hand along the front of her body.

  She shivered lightly beneath my touch, which I took as a sign that I was good to go. I scooped her up into my arms and carried her to my old bedroom, and then dropped her lightly onto the single bed. I quickly turned and ran into the kitchen, grabbed the ice trays from the freezer, and tipped the contents into a glass. I hunted around the pantry for some whiskey, but came up empty. All I could find was some Baileys, but in the end I decided that would have to do. After all, Alyssa was ready and waiting for me. I poured the Baileys over the ice then carried it to the bedroom.