Fool, Stop Trippin'

by McKinney, Tina Brooks

  “So you saying the nigga can’t lay down the pipe?”

  “Naw, it’s not that. It’s my body language…sometimes he can’t read it.”

  “Shit, now you’ve got me confused.”

  “Okay, it’s like this. If we’re lying in the bed watching the boob tube and I want my nipples sucked, I usually lie on my back and raise my hands over my head, giving him full access to the tits, right?”

  “Uh…yeah, I can picture that.”

  “But he doesn’t get it. He will rub them instead and that pisses me off.”

  “Then tell him. He ain’t a psychic.”

  “That’s not all. If I throw my legs over his, I want him to play with my pussy, but then he starts sucking my tits instead of doing both at the same time.”

  I am getting annoyed with my sister. She’s acting like a child instead of a grown-ass woman.

  “Look, Sammie, not everyone is used to a sexually aggressive woman. If Buddy is not doing the things you want him to do, then you’re going to have to teach him to read your signs. These ‘signs,’ as you call them, are unique to you and unless you want him fumbling around in the dark, you better turn on the light.”

  “But Jazz, I am tired of being in control of our sex life. I want him to take control,” Sammie whines.

  “Control…you are not making sense. Listen to yourself. How can he take control when you’re asking him to read your mind?”

  Sammie is quiet for a minute and I am beginning to think that I have hurt her feelings. This is the first time that I have truly lost patience with her. I decide to try another tactic.

  “Sammie, in the past you’ve had two kinds of men: those who used and abused you for sex and those who allowed you to do the same to them. Every man doesn’t have to slap you around to show you how forceful he is. I’m asking you to try something different with Buddy. Show him what you want him to do and when he does it, tell him that it feels good or say something like, ‘Oh yeah, baby, just like that,’ and I guarantee you, he will remember it the next time.”

  For a minute, I thought she’d hung up on me.

  “Sammie?”

  “I’m here…just thinking about what you’ve said. You make a lot of sense and I don’t know why I didn’t see it for myself. Do you really think it will work?”

  “Oh yeah, it’ll work. Trust me.”

  “Can a girl have a back-up plan just in case it don’t?”

  “You’re a hot mess.”

  “No, you’re the one! Go ahead and go shopping. Call me later and let me know how you make out and I mean that just the way it sounds.”

  “Will do. Oh, by the way, could you do me a favor?”

  “Sure, sis.”

  “Stop sweating the small stuff. There’s enough shit in the world to worry about.”

  “Okay, I’ll try. Thanks.”

  I hang up the phone. Again, I thank God for allowing me to meet my sister. Preaching to her is actually teaching myself. Now if I would only take some of my own advice, I would be alright. In my past, I never had any girlfriends, but I am starting to like this kinship feeling.

  I finish applying my makeup and grab my gym bag on the way out the door, humming one of my favorite songs, Not Gon’ Cry.

  Sammie

  Nothing has been right since the picnic. I’m self-conscious around Buddy and spend a lot of time second-guessing myself. Jasmine was right about my relationship with Buddy. I was trippin’ big time. I treat Buddy differently from any other man that I’ve ever been with and I was about to throw away a good man just ’cause he isn’t a mind reader. Lawd, I can’t thank you enough for bringing my sister and her wisdom into my life. With a new attitude under my belt, I call Buddy.

  “Hey, baby,” I say oozing sweetness.

  “Hey, yourself. Whassup?”

  “Do you have a gig tonight or can I steal you away?” There is a moment of silence and my old insecurities begin to nag at me. The phone starts to slip from my moist palm and I have to quickly switch hands so as not to drop it entirely. An odd ache begins in the center of my chest and spreads into my arms, making them feel heavier. I instantly regret suggesting that he make a choice between work and me because I don’t know what I would do if I came up the loser. My mind seeks a snappy comeback just in case he laughs at my proposal.

  “Just say the word, baby, and I’m there. I’m supposed to cover Visions tonight, but I think I can get Ryan to cover for me.”

  “Baby, I ain’t tryin’ to take money out your pocket, but I really want to see you tonight. In fact, I don’t need the whole night. Meet me at the food court at Lenox Mall around six and I will fill you in.”

  “I’m there, beautiful. See you then,” Buddy says, hanging up the phone.

  Amazed, I stare at the phone. That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It is after four so I have a lot of preparations to make. First stop, Victoria’s Secret, and I also need to stop by Starship for some adult toys before I meet Buddy in the food court. My plan is to take him into the security corridor and fuck his brains out. I know one of the guards and I’m sure I can persuade him to stand lookout for our late-afternoon tryst.

  I jump off the couch and race to the car with my mind spinning a mile a minute. Pleasing Buddy is my primary objective for the evening. I want to really rock his world and shake off all the negative energy I allowed to come into our relationship in the first place. For the first time in my life I have someone who loves me for me and not for what I can get for them. I don’t have to do anything but be myself. It is foreign to me and will take some getting used to, but I am willing to try.

  I shop like I have on gasoline drawers burning straight up my ass. Running from shop to shop, I am trying to put together the perfect outfit. Since we started dating, I have dropped about fifty pounds and I am amazed at how good I’m looking. I am not the hot sex machine Jasmine is but I can hold my own. Confidence has never been my strong suit, but I feel something I’ve never felt before—sexy.

  Satisfied with my outfit, I admire myself in the mirror. Holding up a finger in the air, I wet it and place it on my ass. I hear it sizzle in my head.

  “That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.” I’ve chosen a short purple dress that clings to my newfound curves and dips dangerously low in the front and suggestively in the back. Jazz taught me that less is more, something I’d never known before. She has revamped my whole closet and all my former hoochie outfits are in the trash. They were so ghetto, I could not even donate them to charity.

  Lately, my attire is more elegant. I buy a pair of purple sandals and I pick out a necklace and earring set to complement my ensemble.

  Next I go to Victoria’s Secret to pick out my underwear. In the past, I couldn’t wear their bras. They have panties to fit a rhino, but bras made only for a peacock with more padding than cup and that stupid underwire. Whoever came up with underwire bras should, in my opinion, either be shot or made to wear them for forty-eight hours. Nine times out of ten the woman wearing them are flat-chested and trying to hoist up their non-existent boobs. Blessed as I am, I only need something to help my boobs fight the laws of gravity.

  Next up, I go to the adult novelty shop outside Lenox Mall and I must admit I go a little crazy. I buy everything from a pleasure feather to a piggy parfait, which is designed to enhance toe sucking, edible body paints, and underwear. I also buy a rockin’ rabbit and last but not least, a card game for lovers. Of course, all these items will have to wait until we have more time, but I want to be prepared if he wants to come back to the house after our tryst. This will be the perfect time to introduce my new toys into our relationship. I cannot wait to get started.

  Bags stuffed full of goodies, I mingle with the other shoppers trying to get back to the food court. I don’t know how Buddy will react to my sexual aggression, but I am eager to find out. Anticipation has pasted a smile on my face I feel won’t come off, when suddenly I bump full throttle into Jessie. He has a way of sucking the wind from beneath my wings and
setting them ablaze.

  “Jasmine, is that you?”

  “No.”

  “Stop lying, heifer.”

  “If I were Jazz, you would be lying flat on your ass for calling her a heifer. Did you forget the last ass whuppin’ she gave you?” I try to step around his trifling ass but he grabs me by the bag. I look at his hand as if it is dipped in shit. My eyes tell him exactly how I feel at being touched by him.

  After a few moments he releases his hold. “Uh, my bad, no disrespect intended. I didn’t recognize you. You’re looking good, girl. Whatcha been doing?”

  “Thank you and none of your business. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be going.”

  “Not so fast, girl. Can’t I holla at you for a minute? Shit, you look just like you did when we first got married.”

  I am speechless for a few seconds. Jessie does not do compliments and he damn sure doesn’t do them with me. He is more likely to call me a nasty bitch than to tell me I look good. I can only stare at him with my mouth half open, waiting for the insult that is bound to follow. He is actually smiling at me.

  “Why you looking at me like that?” I ask suspiciously.

  “I’m sorry. I got caught up in the past.” His words cut through me like a knife. I don’t know whose past he is referring to, but the one I am thinking about was not pretty. I am thinking of the times that he beat my ass and made me sell my body to finance his drug habit. Unwanted tears come to my eyes, but they do the job of hardening my heart. I can’t afford to get lost in sentiment.

  “Look, you can skip down memory lane by your damn self. I prefer never to think of those times ever again.” Once again I attempt to step around him and he blocks me with his body. Stunned, I drop my bag, spilling the contents on the floor. Silently, I look around for help, but there isn’t anyone willing to get involved. Piece by piece, Jessie returns my items to the bags.

  “I see some shit ain’t changed. How much you charging these days? How ’bout you hook a brother up for old time’s sake?” Jessie is openly fondling himself despite being in the middle of the mall.

  “Fuck you, Jessie.”

  “Now?”

  “Nigga, please, did you forget what you put my ass through? Am I the only one who remembers the ass whippings and the men and women you made me sleep with?” I am screaming at him, unmindful of our surroundings and not caring who hears me. My past is my past and Jessie is not a part of my future. But Buddy doesn’t know my past and now I realize that he is in the crowd listening. The look on his face is one of shock and disgust. His mouth is hanging open like a big O.

  “If you don’t move, I promise you I will start screaming.”

  “Hell, you already screaming and it ain’t doing no good. All you are doing is embarrassing yourself.” Jessie is right about that and for a moment I try to compose myself, but then something inside of me snaps. I am through being his damn punching bag and I’ll be damned if I will allow him to disrespect me ever again.

  “Can’t you get it through your thick skull, I don’t want your ass?”

  “Now hold on, heifer. Just because you done lost a little weight that don’t mean you can talk to me any kinda way. I will slap the black off your ass.”

  “Jessie, I’ve come a long way from the child you married and abused.”

  “I didn’t abuse you, bitch. You enjoyed every minute of it.” My head jerks as if he actually slapped me. I am so mad I had forgotten to swallow and my saliva is dripping from the sides of my mouth.

  “Enjoyed it? Are you still smoking crack? You did everything you could to destroy me, Jessie, but it’s over. Now get the fuck out of my way!”

  “Listen here, bitch, it ain’t over till I say it’s over.” He moves in closer to me. I’ve forgotten about the crowd gathering around us and my desire to keep a low profile and get the hell away from him. I am operating on pure hatred for all the humiliation I’d suffered at the hands of this man. I am done taking his shit. Using all the strength I can muster, I ram my knee into his groin, fake a move to the left, and spin to the right, running full speed out of the mall. Jessie folds to his knees, groaning in pain.

  “It’s Ms. Bitch to you! How’s that for a memory, you rat bastard?” I yell behind me as I hit the exit doors. I am running from my past and my future at the same time. I cannot get the look on Buddy’s face out of my mind. Tears flow freely down my cheeks as gut-wrenching sobs escape my chest. Painful memories scar my mind as I run down memory lane too scared to look back. The most logical choice is to flee, but my heart wants to stay and face Buddy to possibly salvage our relationship. What the hell am I going to say to him anyway? “Hey, I used to be a whore, but I’m not anymore.” That doesn’t sound right even to me and I lived through the shit. I slam the car door shut and peel out of the parking lot as if the very devil himself was riding my coattail. I don’t slow down until I am five blocks away. I keep checking my mirror to make sure Jessie is not following me.

  “Shit, you did it again, Jessie. Why are you so intent on fucking up my life?” I bang my hands on the steering wheel so hard my hands are throbbing. I just can’t believe it. Every time I allow myself to think that part of my life is buried, someone drives a backhoe through it. Every other woman that I know who has the misfortune of having an ex-husband has been able to go on with their lives happily ever after. But I luck up and get a man who refuses to let go. It would be different if Jessie actually wanted me, but he moved on and married again. He just doesn’t want anyone else to have me.

  The look on Buddy’s face spoke volumes. He has been through his share of bad relationships and he isn’t about to go through no drama with me. He doesn’t have to. He is fine, successful, and a mini-celebrity in his own right. The last thing he needs in his career is for it to get out that he is sleeping with a whore.

  I didn’t make a decision to ease back into my former life, if it can actually be called a decision at all. However I am now cruising the streets of the West End, looking for a way to end the pain—if not for a lifetime, then at least for the moment. Surprisingly, I score in a big way without too much drama. I would have thought it would’ve been harder to make the large-size purchase without actually knowing someone. But I do it and my confused mind takes it as a sign from God that it is okay to step over the line just this one time. I don’t believe for one moment this will be a permanent fix. I just want one for the right here and now and I am going to take it.

  Leah

  “You ready?”

  “I was born ready.”

  “I am not talking about that. I mean facing my mother.”

  “Yeah, I have only your best interest at heart so I ain’t never scared.”

  I laugh and this helps to ease the tension in the car but doesn’t remove the fear in my heart. I couldn’t understand why my mother wasn’t answering her phone despite my numerous attempts to reach her.

  “I’m right here, baby. Don’t forget it. You are not alone.”

  “Thanks, honey. I needed to hear that.” Despite his assurances, I still don’t make any moves.

  “Sweetheart, we have to get out of the car so we can find out what’s wrong.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “I know you are. I’m scared too, but it is what it is and we will deal with it.”

  “You go and tell me if it’s safe to come in.”

  “I know you’re kidding. If things were that bad, your mother would have told you or at least called you back until she reached you.”

  “What if someone is hurt?”

  “Hush, let’s not speculate.” Together we exit the car and I lean on him as we approach the door. My legs just won’t cooperate and if it weren’t for him pulling and supporting me, I don’t think I could have made it.

  “Relax, baby. Your mom’s car is here, so that means she’s at home. If things were real bad, like one of the kids getting sick, she wouldn’t be here.”

  “I guess you have a point.” I try to raise my hand to ring the doorbell, but my h
and keeps hesitating. Craig pushes it while brushing a light kiss on my forehead. I smile at him and he pats my arm for reassurance. It doesn’t take long for Momma to answer the door.

  My relief at seeing her standing in the doorway is incredible. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Now if I can just find out what happened, Craig and I can share our good news. I stand before Momma waiting for her to tell me the news. She smiles, holding her arms wide for me to enter. I grab her, afraid to let go.

  “Baby, you’re home.” I don’t respond immediately. It is enough just to smell and hold her.

  “You two look like you had fun.” As she steps back to look at us, I cannot help but to beam. I am excited and nervous about her reaction.

  “Momma, we got the messages. Is everything okay?” She turns around and we follow her into the house. She sits down on the sofa and Craig and I sit on the matching loveseat. The living room is spotless as usual. Something is wrong; I can tell by the way Momma keeps avoiding my eyes.

  “Where are the children?”

  “Oh, they’re still taking a nap.”

  “Momma, you’re scaring me. Please tell me what happened.”

  “It’s nothing now, but I was real worried at the time. That’s why I called you. The kids went with Kentee on Saturday. I wasn’t going to let them go, but Kayla said you read him the riot act of no funny business.”

  I smile because she almost quotes me verbatim. Kayla can’t hold water in a bucket.

  “It’s okay, Momma, I did talk to Kentee and he knows the rules.”

  “Well…he didn’t follow them.”

  “What did he do?” I jump up and start pacing. Craig tries to grab me, but I am heated. I am going to kill that motherfucker if he had my babies around some of his whores.

  “Leah, sit back down. It’s all water under the bridge now.” Reluctantly, I sit. I grab Craig’s hand. When my emotions are back in check, Momma continues.

  “He dropped the children off at his friend Tarcia’s house and apparently there was a fire. The kids weren’t hurt, but they were just scared, is all. Kayla called me and I went and picked them up.”