by JK Ensley
“Thanks for your vote of confidence, old friend,” I said dryly. “Is Valencia safe?”
“It had nothing to do with confidence.” Varick rolled off me and helped me to my feet. “My fear was that a dark soul would desire you, cage you within that blackest of realms. Your glory is too enchanting to resist, Princess. I have a hard time believing you went unmolested in that filthy place.”
I dusted off the leaves and muck clinging to my clothing, stuck within my hair. I could feel Vindicus’s worried eyes upon me. I turned back to the diminishing doorway with a mixed feeling of pure relief and bitter regret. No… it was regret only. Regret for my loss and regret for the harm I’d wrought. I hate regret.
I love you forever, Anicee. His voice rang clearly through my mind as the deep connection to my husband closed off with the now absent portal.
I held tightly to his final words. I would never forget them. A giant hole opened inside me—firmament giving way to an abyss. It left me empty, hollow, bitterly miserable. Briefly, I feared what might fill that hole. What unworthy thing would try vainly to fill my void, replace my Vindicus? Nothing could. But something would try, would have to. No creature can walk about with a great big hole right through the center of them.
What shall I do to feel whole again, to feel complete, full?
The pitiful question was a welcome-mat for darkness. I knew that. Yet, I asked it anyway.
“Valencia must have returned through a different doorway,” Varick was saying. “There may be but one portal on that side, but there are many openings within the forest on this side. I was just the lucky one who made it to you.” He tried to hug me. I stiffened. He stepped back.
“Yeah, lucky you. So… Which way from here?” I asked, whilst looking around.
“This way!”
It was like a rock slammed into me, rattling me—a giant vise imprisoning my body. Only when I felt the warm humming growls coming from my captor’s gigantic chest did I release the breath I’d been holding.
“Ah, Vareilious, Brother. You have been long from my sight and sorely missed,” I said weakly.
“That’s it? That’s all I’m gonna get? A dry comment laced with sarcasm? After four long years, I’d expect at least a giant hug and thousands of childish giggles to go along with it.”
Ah, then according to Valencia, you should have found me yesterday, I thought.
“Apologies, Brother. It’s good to see your handsome face, smirk and all. But I am absent cause to rejoice.”
“Absent cause? Who the hell are you? Is this my sister I hold or has a demon claimed her shape?”
“I am no demon, Brother. At least, not fully. Now, if you wouldn’t mind releasing me. My lungs are in need of more air.”
He opened his arms and I fell unceremoniously to the ground. Both majestic warriors stood staring at me in disbelief, gawking. Vareilious sniffed the air about me. I stood my ground. Returned glare for glare.
My jovial Gate Guardian broke the awkward silence. “Where’d you get that scar?”
I smirked. “Which one? There are many.”
“The ugly one marring your beautiful face. Just there.” He pointed to my left cheek.
My hand went to the spot where Valencia had struck me, returning my vision and revealing the truth about the Underworld.
“Your lovely sister blessed me with this one.”
“And your hand?” Vareilious asked
I looked down to see my left hand. It was withered, scarred, as if the flesh had been burned away. I wiped at the betraying tears spilling down my cheeks.
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
“It was the only part of her yet remaining in hell when I found her,” Varick said. “Something, or someone, was holding her.”
“Vindicus…” I muttered.
“Say what? Vindicus? I know him not.” Vareilious laughed. “But there are no Vanir in the Underworld.”
“Apollyon,” I whispered softly.
Varick grabbed my shoulders and shook me gently, stopping only when my sad eyes met his worried gaze.
“Did you say Apollyon? Are you certain? How did you come by that name?”
I didn’t speak. I only stared at the enchanting man I was to marry so long ago. The first man who named me his Anicee. He was as beautiful as ever—regal, flawless. And he had given his heart to another, forgotten me with time. I wanted to throw up. Nearly did. I jerked free from his hands.
“It cannot be, Brother,” Vareilious said. “Think about it. If that devil-Angel had gotten his hands on her, she’d still be screaming within his vile pit. The Prince of Hell is evil incarnate. Be thankful she is mistaken.”
“I am not mistaken,” I spat. “And I am no longer a child who needs your tongue to answer in my stead, Vareilious.”
“How dare you speak to me thusly? Do you have any idea what we’ve gone through over you? How much we have mourned you, grieved for you every single day? Our temple remained locked to us for three years for our disobedience. And now you stand before me, defiant and dismissive. Have you no heart, tiny maiden? Where have you left your soul?”
“You mean to stand before me with the unmitigated gall to compare sufferings? Truly? Are you mad, holy sentinel? Have your wits escaped you? Were you torn from your entire family only to wake face down in a putrid swamp covered with carnivorous vermin? Was it you, good Vareilious, who roamed the eighth layer minus body and soul? Never resting, always continually walking. Was it you, greatest of warriors, who had their very heart ripped from their chest? Tossed aside without value or worth, only to end up in the pits of hell itself? Were you the one who sat amongst liars as your soul was eaten, devoured one bite at a time? One precious memory after the next, gobbled up before your very eyes until nothing else remained. Until… you were nothing but an empty vessel—fragile and broken and hollow. Was that you? Did your suffering compare to that?”
Only shocked silence answered me.
“We would never presume such,” Varick whispered. “You know Vareilious always speaks before he thinks. We have no idea what happened to you, or the punishment you had to endure. I cried for you every night. When the cathedral doors opened and I found my manacle upon the mercy seat—”
“The old Angel lost his mind,” Vareilious interrupted.
I looked at Varick’s blushing cheeks and Vareilious’s goofy smile. I had missed them sooo much. And that only made the pain of their betrayal all the more heartbreaking.
“And yet, you both seem to have moved on so well with your lives,” I said dryly, minus feeling entirely.
Without the tiniest thought, I donned my mask and flew into the forest as Vareilious’s curses echoed around me.
Chapter 24
Vanahirdem
(van-ah-HEAR-dem)
“Where will you go from here? Will you return home? Will you make your way back to Ashgard?”
Vareen’s gentle voice was unexpected, yet treasured instantly. I ran to her and threw my arms around the beautiful seer. I cried my heart out upon her shoulder, once again.
“There, there, my darling. Let it all go,” she whispered. “Once the tears have fallen, hold to the pain no more.”
“How do you do that?” I sniffed, wiping away my tears.
She smiled softly. “You have only just been returned to my visions after your horrible absence. And the first sight I have… is your back as you leave us once more.”
“There’s nothing left for me here, Vareen. This you well know.”
“And what’s left for you in Tamar Broden?”
“Nothing.” I snorted out a laugh. “There’s nothing left for me in the whole of Ashgard, and there’s nothing left for me on layer eight. My ethereal home here holds nothing of value. And my heart is now imprisoned within the very pits of hell itself.”
Vareen looked at me with grave worry.
“Do not concern yourself with my lot, beautiful mother. I am no longer the volatile little girl playing with an inconceivably powerful ma
sk. I’ve learned my lessons the hard way and I won’t soon forget them. You have many things to celebrate, my dear friend. Your daughter is finally returned to you and your son—” I choked up, the words caught in my throat.
“Jenevier, please stay but a day,” she pleaded. “It’s amazing how much a heart can change with just one day.”
“Ahh, Vareen, no one can know the truth of that more than I. Just… one… day.” I sighed and turned to look at the familiar cloudbank. “Alas, Vanahirdem no longer fits me. I am no longer comfortable here. I will only bring pain to this beautiful place. I love you too much and I want you to experience the joy long overdue you.” I squeezed her hands in mine and smiled at the gentle woman. “Answer me this. Has God made me Vanir in your visions?”
The response to my question was Vareen’s downcast eyes.
“That’s what I thought. I’m not sure why Vashti yet lives within me, but I do know my part is played out here. I will visit my childhood home. Then I’ll travel the layers until I find where I now belong. If there remains such a place among the living,” I mumbled.
“Will you at least go into the healing waters and erase your scars?” Varick’s gentle voice made the hair on the back of my neck painfully rise.
I glanced at him as he approached. “No, dear brother. These scars are well and truly deserved. I think I shall keep them.” I smiled, despite myself.
“They could never diminish your rare beauty.” He lightly ran his fingertips across the mark torn into my once fair cheek. I trembled. “What has happened to make your lovely curls all the more beautiful?”
Varick gently touched my hair, tenderly fingering one of the long pink curls. I wanted him to still love me so very badly. His kindness was torturous in every way.
“Ahh, Brother, now there’s a fine tale worth the telling. I’m sure Valencia will fill in all the gory details for you.” I laughed, but it was clear to all… my heart wasn’t in it.
“Why do you name me brother?”
I turned, finally allowing myself to look into those heavenly golden eyes. The same perfect eyes that had once stolen my heart.
“What would be your wish, Milord? What would you have me call you?”
“You once called me many things; Angel, warrior, Guardian, husband, lover. Have I changed so much to your eyes, to your heart?”
“How can you now say these things to me? I’m not worthy of such kindness and attention. Save your sweet words for the deserving ears that long to hear them. I wish to take my leave now before I once again hurt the family of my heart. I can no longer claim you, Prince Varick. And a prolonged stay will only bring bitterness to my newly recovered soul.”
“My love, your words are so foreign. I do not grasp your meaning. Rest will bring clarity to your thoughts. Please, stay but one day,” Varick pleaded. “Allow yourself a peaceful moment in which to heal.”
“Thank you for the most generous offer, Milord. But I must decline. I wish to sleep in the bed of my youth this coming night. I am curious and wish to catch up on all that has changed during my exile. Please understand and forgive my rude ungratefulness at your most honored invitation.”
“Ahh, but my invitation is not wholly conceived by my selfish desire to have you in my arms one more day,” Varick said. “Have you not considered your change in appearance—your ethereal skin, your beautiful hair, your enchanting new eyes?”
Well, hell, I thought. No. Dammit all. I didn’t think about that.
“They are not things known of in Ashgard.” He continued to play with my curls. “How do you even know they’ll be able to see you? I’m afraid you are more Vanir than human, my love.”
“Nay, more Angel, I should think.” Vareilious growled as he approached. “I thought I smelled it in the forest. I can see you, Jenevier. I can taste you on the air, tiny Angel.”
I laughed. “Yes, I knew you could, my friend. I’m not the same girl you once played at being in love with. I’m sorry to disappoint you, Vareilious. But your tiny Angel is all grown up now.”
“Ha, a little alone time in exile does not a woman make,” he taunted.
“No, ‘tis true. And a sarcastic tone from a giant does not my temper bait.”
Varick laughed, but Vareilious stood firm in his brand of interrogation.
“What ails you, Brother? Do you want me to return to you weak and feebleminded, as in my youth? Come to me, Vareilious. Taste your old friend and tell me what you glean with your mighty tongue.” I held my arms out wide and turned my face toward the glorious sun.
The giant Guardian placed his hands upon my waist, lifting me up level with him, nose to nose. Vareilious peered into my changed eyes and hesitated.
“Do not fear me,” I whispered, for his ears alone. “I would never hurt you. Once you wished to count me as lover. Do you recoil from me now? Have even you replaced me within your heart?”
“Even I? Maiden, you are irreplaceable to all you touch. Just give me the word and I’ll slay the lot of them—lay them low and claim you as mine own.” He winked and bore his razor sharp teeth.
“Then taste me, Brother, and know me for what I am.”
He flashed me a wicked smile. Digging his nose down within my tunic, he licked me from deep between my breasts all the way up to my scarred cheekbone. He smacked his lips together, rolled me around on his tongue. The confused look that crossed his angelic face was fringed with fear. Gently sitting me down, he took a giant step back.
I couldn’t help but chuckle at his revelation. “What is it, Brother? Did the cat get your tongue? Or, perhaps it was something else.”
“Vareilious, what is it? What’s wrong?” Varick asked, concerned.
“She’s a… she’s a… an Ang… she’s…”
“Angel is the word good Vareilious can’t manage to spit out of his eager mouth,” I replied.
The giant sentinel kept his gaze locked with mine as he took another step back. “No…” Vareilious slowly shook his head, emphasizing his whispering denial.
“Yes. But not just any old Angel. Right, Vareilious? I was created of a Vanir, birthed by a human, destroyed by a devil, and remade with an Angel.” I held my arms wide as they all looked intently at me.
“Destroyed? Remade? Speak not in riddles, my love,” Varick said as he began to panic. “Vareilious, tell me what she means. Speak now, Brother.”
“What she says is true. It’s all there. I taste it still. But not just any Angel, Varick. I taste him. His essence remains upon my tongue—the Prince of Darkness himself.”
“Yes, we are one now. Just as you and I once shared a bond formed by creation, so now too I share that with another. You are not gone from me, sweet Varick. I am merely… more. Now, you tell me. What creature or abomination am I? Where is it I shall fit in? To which layer or realm will a spawn such as I call home?”
“Here, my love. Here is your home. I don’t care what you’ve become. My love for you hasn’t changed. I have saved and carried with me all the pieces of your heart, dearest Angel, and now I want to make it whole again. Do not leave me, I beg you.”
“What lie is this? An elaborate trick, perhaps? Vareilious cannot goad me into losing control. And you, Varick, cannot lie and bind me here. I saw you, Milord. I saw how patient and everlasting your kind of love truly is. I want no part of it. I do not wish to leave as your enemy. I only wish to leave.”
Vareen gasped. “It’s true, then. That was you, Jenevier. I knew I felt you there.”
I donned my mask with ease and turned toward my angelic mother. “Yes, Vareen, I was there. My body was destroyed within that temple four years ago, and my soul shattered in almost the exact same spot… only yesterday. Now you know why I can never live here. If you have any more unanswered questions, turn to Valencia. I told her all.”
When I left Vanahirdem, I had every intention of returning to the back door of Aunt Marlise’s little cottage, but I had one stop more to make. Instantly, I was standing once again in the forest where the portal to hel
l was now closed.
I stuck my withered hand through the air before me. Nothing happened.
“It doesn’t work like that.” The angelic tinkling voice caused anger to swell within me.
“Then please, enlighten me, dear Valencia. How does it work?”
“I knew you’d come back here,” she snipped.
“What a clever girl. Now if only some of that wit could be put to a more worthy cause.”
“You remind me of him. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but you do. Perhaps it’s the strange way you now speak. Or perhaps the way you carry yourself—the set of your shoulders. Or perhaps it’s just the overpowering demon stench.”
“Or perhaps it’s all those horrible things wrapped up together, Valencia dear. If I offend you so, why not relieve your senses and send me back from whence I just came?”
“I would love to, precious sister. Alas, it would destroy my brother. So I believe I’ll see that you remain right here.”
“Oh, Valencia darling, have you not heard? I’m leaving Vanahirdem. Your brother believes me gone now.” I taunted her, tried to goad her into revealing the answers I sought.
“Well if you want to go, then go. I care not. But you’ll have to find another exit. This one no longer exists.” She smiled and flew away.
I believe I hate her. No, I’m certain of it. I hate her.
Chapter 25
Vindicus
(VIN-dah-kuss)
I let my troubled mind wander, absently pulling up blades of grass as I sat cross-legged near the now closed portal to hell.
“What am I doing? How pathetic can I possibly be? I am sitting here in a peaceful heaven, longing to walk back into hell… by my own free will. This is madness.”
Then I felt him. I knew, minus sight, my loving husband was sitting right in front of me. I got to my knees, reached into the air once more. Nothing.
“I feel you there, my love. Can you see me?”