by JK Ensley
All eyes were wide—some serious, some sad. And all mouths were hanging open.
“Please, don’t respond just yet. You asked me for my story. I didn’t ask you for your judgment. The me I am now, the me that loves my Angel Vindicus, is not the me that left here on the day of my sentenced execution. Those waters he dipped me in, the ones in Vandermil, the ones in hell… they didn’t heal me. They re-created me. I am more than I was. But a great deal of me was sacrificed to make it so.” All remained silent at my request until I could breathe normally again, until I could calm my racing heart. “Then, in stepped Valencia. I told her verbatim the story you just heard and that’s when she did this. Well… what this used to be.” I pointed to the shimmering scar marking my face.
Varick and Vareilious both growled.
I laughed. “Growl not. It’s the best thing that could have happened. Her blow opened my eyes. And the rest you know, pretty much.”
“No, you still didn’t mention the blue,” Varick whispered.
“Yes, well, you won’t like it, I’m sure.” I finally met his sad gaze. “Those are all the places Apollyon, my Vindicus, touched me. Those are the places he healed me.”
“Not true, lovely warrior. I saw you after you made it out of hell. The scar was black and your hand was withered,” he said. “You are mistaken on their origin.”
I laughed. “Yes, it’s true all right. When I left you three standing at the gate, I transported to the spot where you first found me, Varick. The place marking the portal.” My gaze remained fixed with his. “I fell upon my knees and cried, pleaded to be shown a way back into hell.”
He gasped. “What? Are you mad?”
I told him then about my final confrontation with Apollyon—his sweet words of undying love, his promise of eternal happiness, how both our hearts shattered within each other’s chest. And then I told him about the bitter choice my bonded Angel let me make. Well, forced me to make… when he relaxed his worshipping embrace.
Tears streamed down Varick’s regal face, matching my own.
“… And when you three made me realize I couldn’t go back to Ashgard, and I no longer fit in Vanahirdem anymore… I didn’t know where else to go but to the only man who still loved me. The only one who accepts me as I now am. He is the only other person who truly wants to be with me. Alas, his is the only home to which I cannot physically return.”
“So… then how is it he touched you?” Vareen asked.
I told them how I felt something move within me, the disturbance in the air. About how his hand appeared from nothing, all the beautiful words we exchanged, and how he had touched me. Then I confessed to them about how he had intended to remove his manacle, to unbind his chain to me—leaving me unfettered as I eternally roamed the layers, damaged, shattered, broken beyond repair.
“I couldn’t live like that. I can’t imagine suffering through such a solitary hell as the one that would leave me in—were he to remove his manacle, take away our bond, dissolve our union.” I turned to Vareilious. “Don’t hate me for admitting this, old friend. But had he done as he intended, had he reclaimed his manacle, I would have forced your hand, Brother. I would have made you end me.”
Horror filled his eyes. “That’s the most selfish thing I have ever heard.”
“I know. Forgive me. I am truly that selfish, that miserably selfish.” I squeezed his hand. “So now you know the truth of it. The truth concerning the blue you love so well, good Vareilious… is him. The coloring I am now blessed with is his mark.”
I turned my tormented gaze back to the first husband I’d lost. I wanted so badly to wipe the tears from his regal face.
“We are as woven together as are you and I, Varick. So, I am part Vanir, part human, and now… part demon-Angel.” I smiled bitterly, regretfully.
Chapter 28
Vareen
(vah-REEN)
“Some fresh tea.” Vareen smiled as she handed me a steaming cup. “You must actually drink it this time before it turns cold.
All eyes were on me. I felt their weight. Yet no one spoke of my pain. No one mentioned a word concerning my story. We sipped the tea, ate sweet cakes, and gratefully kept the conversation to idle chatter only.
Vareilious told us of his recent summonses and of taking over for the missing Vittorio. I only vaguely answered their questions concerning our whereabouts. Then Vareen cleared her angelic throat.
“Your story is tragic beyond imagination. I must admit we all played a horrible role. Each of us claim some responsibility, only helping to cause the outcome. I hope one day you can truly forgive us for not preparing and teaching you better… especially about the Nether and the Otherworld. But the past is dead and gone. I speak for all Vanir now when I tell you we will spend eternity making this up to you, making amends. If you will allow us to do so. But child, there are some parts of your story where you err.”
“Err? How so? I told you exactly what happened. I didn’t lie.”
“No, you did not lie. The erring comes from you not knowing the truth in all that happened. First, you now know that wasn’t Vandermil. There is no such place. I can only assume your mind created Vandermil to protect you from the horrible reality. Jenevier, your brand new soul was never meant to be skipping through hell.” Vareen sighed and set her teacup down. “Perhaps… perhaps it was a good thing Ahriman found you there.”
“Mother.”
“Hear me out, Varick.” She turned back to me. “Ahriman, your Vybius, was once a great Angel—powerful and benevolent. Yet he fell during the first heavenly war. He is as dark as a fallen one can be, Jenevier. Do not think him your friend or ally. I only meant you were lucky it was him as opposed to some of the others, because of his magical tea. Ahriman had you drink it when he coaxed your soul back from the void. It’s meant to be delicious and mind numbing. His ambrosia tea is derived from a plant of the same name. Yet he alone has the ability to use it as he did with you. Ahriman’s deceiving nectar causes a feeling of euphoria, a blessed feeling of joy and love. But only for a time and only while you’re near him. You see. His talent, the way he wins over souls to their side, is a terrible one indeed. He is blessed with the ability to tempt any maid, no matter her heart. It’s what he does. And none can do it better.”
I collapsed heavily back against my chair. What she said made perfect sense. Every time that beautiful amethyst man touched me, I calmed. He made me happy, made me feel comfortable and loved.
“Yes,” Vareilious said, nodding his head, staring at nothing. “And those he cannot woo, he takes. If he can’t win over your heart with his lying words of love, he’ll break you. Take your body by force, viciously so… until all your fight’s gone and your will has been crushed. He is a master at what he does.”
What? Vybius? I can scarce believe that. He was as kind and gentle as a lamb. No. Vareilious must be mistaken.
“Think for a moment, little Angel,” Vareen said. “If your eyes deceived you of even the holy temple, what else could you have been mistaken about? Listen to me, child. You now know you left the Nether and entered the Underworld. If you were in hell, how could that realm possibly contain the healing waters of the Vanir… if no Vanir are truly there?”
“What are you saying?”
“What I am saying, child, is this. The reason you were not simply healed within those waters but were remade instead, was because their pool does not contain our healing waters. Their basin holds the primordial ooze. It’s why you were blended with Apollyon. And it also explains the passion you shared and the love that will always bind the two of you. You are right in saying you were reborn. You were recreated with him… together.”
Out of everything this revered seer had said, I knew this to be the truest words she could have spoken. It was as obvious to my heart as it was to my changed soul.
“And…” She paused briefly, waiting for our eyes to meet. “You are very much mistaken in your vision of the happenings here in Vanahirdem.”
“Mother, don’t do this,�
� Varick warned.
“She did not lie to us and I will never withhold what I know to be truth from her.”
“We were all in the temple,” Vareilious said, his voice sounding distant. “I felt your presence, just as you described.”
“Yes, we all did,” Vareen added.
“But… I thought you said my vision was wrong?”
My question was met with silent trepidation. The three Guardians exchanged worried looks.
“You were wrong about the ceremony,” Varick whispered. “Wrong about what it was we had gathered for.”
“It was indeed a celebration, sweet child,” Vareen said. “But the occasion was a ceremony to welcome back our daughter who had been long absent us, Valencia. Our children were robed and blessed that day. Valadrog and I bound them in their roles and passed our mantle of leadership on to them.”
Vareen smiled sorrowfully as she watched her world-shattering news sink fully into my destroyed heart.
“So… the robed woman beside Varick… wasn’t his bride?” I spoke in a haze, felt like I was floating above my seated form. Looking down into my own drained face.
“It was his sister,” Vareilious softly answered.
I looked to my dearest friend and love from another life, my Varick. I could barely make out his angelic face through my building tears. He had never stopped loving me. My Alzeen had never held another. He’d waited on me his whole life. He’s mine. He always had been. That gloriously horrible revelation stopped time within me. If I had ever doubted my role as fool, those doubts were now shattered.
My recent words about my relationship and the marriage bed I shared with my husband, Apollyon, rang loudly within my betraying ears. They cut through my heart with a serrated blade, leaving a jagged, gaping wound with their passing. How much pain could I possibly inflict upon another living creature? Would I have been able to sit still while he told me the joyous story of making love to another woman? No. I could not have.
Were our roles reversed, I would now be sitting before three dismembered, mutilated heavenly corpses—feeding off the hate and violence I would be welcoming into my blackening heart. I am more devil than Angel. Nay, I can never claim the title Angel. Varick had been right all those years ago during my training, before my Pyrolysis. He knew then, yet denied it within his heart… I am Demon.
“How you must hate me. I have come full circle and wish once more only to meet my violent end. I wish now for a ceasing to my wretched existence. I will never forgive myself for this ultimate betrayal of you, Varick. And you… you sat there quietly as I… as I told you all about… all about making love to—”
“Don’t say it again,” Varick interrupted. “I cannot bear either name you may give him.”
“Apologies… sincerest apologies. I have not the words.” I numbly stood to leave. “One day, I will hurt your strange sister for not telling me the truth of it all. This I swear. Yet the fault lies with me. I can never be sorry enough.”
Varick grabbed my retreating hand.
“Don’t go. My heart is shattered, yes, but if you walk out that door I will probably never see you again. This guilt you now carry will force you to hide your face from me forever. I wouldn’t care to take another breath if that were our future. You may no longer love me, but I cannot live apart from you. Promise me now you will never leave Vanahirdem, not even for a moment, without coming to me and saying thus from your own lips.”
I couldn’t even raise my head to answer him this simple request. “I so promise. It’s the very least I can do to honor you.”
“Then swear it as well,” he begged.
Never were any words harder for me to say. “I… swear it.”
I wanted nothing more than to flee. My insides were shaking. I wanted to vomit. I had to fight the change I could feel coming on. Vashti wished only to fly away from this place, from this guilt, from this pain, forever.
“Your home is as you left it. It waits for you now,” Vareen said.
“I do not deserve such kindness. Gratitude.”
I bowed low before the three people who had once meant the most to me. The same three people whom I had only just crushed with my words, my deeds, and my actions.
“I’ll walk you home,” Vareilious said.
“I know the way, Brother. I am weary and wish now only to fall into the heavenly feather bed awaiting my return.” And slit my shameful throat as I lay upon it, I thought.
“That’s exactly what I thought you’d say. And now, tiny warrior-girl, you are really single. You are changed, brand new on the inside. No longer is your heart bound to anyone within the realm of the living. Now it’s my turn to make you smile, Princess.”
Vareilious winked and tickled my ribs, refusing to stop until he pulled a genuine laugh from my trembling lips. His smirking smile mirrored the familiar ones from our past as he snatched me up in his giant arms and ran from the house.
“She needs you now, Varick. More than she did when first she came to us,” Vareen said.
“I know, Mother.”
“She has certainly become an amazing woman. I long to have her in my visions once more.”
“She is no longer my Jenevier,” Varick whispered.
“No, she is so much more than that now. How exciting—getting to spend an eternity learning all the new things about someone you have already loved for a lifetime.” Vareen smiled as she spoke.
“Vareilious still loves her so much. Now that our bond is broken, now that she is no longer my Anicee, my brother will not tarry with her.”
Vareen chuckled. “Nor should he. She is more beautiful than lilies. More magical than Elves. And owns a heart as big as all creation. Truly, a creature like none other.”
“Can she ever love me again?”
“I don’t believe she ever stopped. That tiny creature tried to slay the entire host of hell… all because she loved you too much, Varick.”
“Yet, she found another love whilst in hell… one worthy of Fairytale status.” He half laughed. “How am I ever to compete with that?”
“The heart is an amazing thing, my son. It is not set as stone, but grows with every person you allow to enter it.”
“She only just lost her husband but two days ago.”
“Varick, that incredible young lady just lost two husbands, two epic loves within less than a fortnight. She possesses strength I never dreamed her capable of, and a grace which is awe-inspiring. Like it or not, my son, her unique bonding with the darkest of Angels will prove to be her greatest asset. Imagine it. Just how unbelievable can one tiny little human be? She unknowingly and without purposeful intent, changed the very heart of the immortal Guardian of Hell. I was certain Apollyon wasn’t formed with the capacity for tears.”
“The same thought was in me as well. When she was remade, she said they blended. That alone would have destroyed a Vanir—blending with Apollyon.”
“Yes. God is wise beyond our understanding. You wondered why she wasn’t Vanir, since she was formed from you. Now you know but a tiny piece of a much greater plan.”
“Her humanity. That’s her greatest gift,” Varick whispered.
“Yes, my son. Now do you understand? Now do you see why the holy Vanir are simply servants to the most amazing and resilient beings in all creation? They are… perfectly… flawed.”
Varick smiled. “Yes. Perfectly flawed.”
Chapter 29
Varick
(VAH-rick)
“Will you finally give me the chance you know I have long deserved?”
“You were my truest friend in another life, Vareilious. Respect my wishes now and do not press love upon me. I may be smiling with you presently, but my capacity for love is absent. It has been but days.”
“You didn’t say no. So… that’s good.” He smiled and poked my belly.
“Can you lend me the comfort of a friend? This is one of those days when I really just need a hug, and only a hug.”
“What you are asking for is supp
ort. You want to let the worries of the world melt away while you hide yourself inside my protective embrace. This I can do for you, lovely maiden… every day for the rest of forever.”
We lay there on that giant bed and I curled up against him. He wrapped his powerful arms around me and I closed my eyes. Vareilious was right. Everything else in my life faded away as my eyelids grew heavy. I’d never felt so small yet so safe in all my days.
You are more beautiful than heaven, were the last words I heard my Guardian say before exhaustion claimed me and I slept.
When I woke, well-rested and refreshed, Vareilious was gone. I found his note lying upon the pillow. I giggled as I tried to make out his scratchy script. His writing always looked sharp, angry, exaggerated. I managed to glean he had received yet another summons.
After making some tea, I took a long bath. Then I sat in front of my looking glass staring blindly at my oddly colorful reflection.
“God surely must’ve painted me. I look like the whole of nature.”
As my hair slowly dried and the long curls became more defined, my image reminded me of my secret gift from Vittorio, Princess Falls. I wanted to go back there, desperately.
I yawned as I stepped into the warming sunlight—absently stretching wide my arms, popping my back. All was right with the world, for the moment. But I’d take what I could get. I flexed my shoulders and my lethal wings expanded from my sides in all their radiant glory.
“How is it you now don your wings minus your mask? Do you no longer need Vashti?”
“You’re losing your touch, old friend. I tasted your delicious scent upon the air the moment I opened my door.”
“Old friend? Is that all I am to you now?” Varick asked.
I laughed. “I count myself lucky you don’t strike me down for naming you friend. I will not press my good fortune further.”
“You jest.”
“Not even slightly,” I whispered.
Varick had been leaning against the side of my home. He moved to stand in front of me.