It was dark inside and smelled like old socks, but there was no stink of death, no stench of goblin.
“Hello?” I called. There was no echo, which led me to assume that the room was full of furniture and wall hangings.
I took a step inside. My eyes grew accustomed to the gloom, and once I was no longer blocking the light, I made out shapes: two chairs, a table, a bookshelf, a fireplace, and in the corner, a bed.
I moved to the window and unlatched the shutters after some fumbling and flung them open. Light spilled inside, illuminating cobwebs and dust-covered furnishings.
I fetched the boar, and when I returned, Eva was wrapped in a white sheet. Her clothes hung on clothes bars by the brick fireplace. A quick glance at the cloth covering her body revealed some of the secrets her tight corset and puffy dress had hidden.
“You shouldn’t see me like this,” she said shamefully and turned away. “It isn’t decent.”
“I won’t tell if you don’t, and I doubt your peeping Tom goddess will mind much. She looks like a party girl.
“I’m serious.”
“So am I.” I dropped the eighty-pound boar on the table.
I found two buckets in the primitive kitchen and headed back out. “Maybe your clothes will dry by the time I get back,” I teased.
I filled both buckets in the river and brought them back to the cottage. On the way, I saw a large circular slab of wood. It was as wide as a small table, and old pots with dead plants was on it. I cleared them off and rolled it over by the door. I poured water on it to clear it off, then went back inside for the boar.
Eva was still shrouded in her sheet, but she followed me to the door, observing as laid the boar on the makeshift table and chopped off its head.
“Oh gross!” She disappeared.
I grinned and whistled as I worked. I had never butchered a boar before, but I had a basic idea how it worked. Take off the head, open the belly, pull out the guts. How hard could it be? Besides, I had an enchanted blade and a wicked sharp dagger.
I gutted the boar, which turned out to be a hell of a lot easier than skinning it. It took me at least an hour to peel off the damned skin, and I wondered if I had already botched the whole operation. The flies were gathering around the blood-soaked table, and I was sweating my ass off. Worse yet, the sun was going down, and I hadn’t even gathered wood, let alone started a fire.
I was surprised when, as I was hacking off the legs, an orange glow rose in the window. I took a look. Eva was jumping up and down in excitement. “I started a fire!”
I grinned and sauntered inside, wiping bloody hands on my jeans. “How in the hell did you do that? Did you pray to your goddess?”
“Ha-ha.” She moved her shoulders and hips from side to side.
It was sexy as hell, and so was her smile.
“I found wood over there in a bin and a fire starter in that drawer. I’ve seen servants start fires a hundred times, and I just did what they did. It was nothing like how you started a fire. It’s the modern way.”
“Good job,” I said, ignoring the inadvertent dis about my fire-making technique. “You saved me a lot of trouble. Before you know it, you’ll be dining on uncured side pork.”
“I’ll see if I can find some pans,” she said happily.
I returned to my work with a big smile on my face. I don’t know if I cut the steaks right, but I returned to the cottage with a bucket of meat, ready to cook.
“I wonder if the previous occupant kept any spices.” I investigated the cupboards.
“I’m way ahead of you,” she said.
She was a lot more comfortable in her sheet, and I couldn’t help but notice that her nipples had grown hard in the cool breeze blowing in through the open door and windows. I tried to act like I hadn’t noticed, but she hadn’t seen the look or didn’t care.
“I found salt, garlic, bay leaves, and rosemary,” she said proudly.
“Sweet,” I said.
“Sweeeet,” said Doughboy from the other side of the room.
Eva had taken him out of the backpack and laid him near the fireplace, and he was already looking more like himself.
I cooked thick chunks of pork in an iron pan Eva found, sprinkling salt on it. Then I covered the ribs in salt and rosemary, and a few dashes of garlic, and rubbed it all in with bay leaves. I skewered the ribs and placed them high over the flames. I put the fatback on the grate and seared it about five minutes. I rolled them the entire time, and my mouth watered at the smell.
As much as I like pork—and I fuggin’ love me some pork—I wanted something else to go with it. The cottage had been abandoned for a long time, though, and aside from the spices, there was only half a brick of stinky cheese with a white skin. I searched through the cupboards again, just to be sure, and among the jars of something gooey I wasn’t going to touch, and a tin of old, moldy crackers, was a sack tied tightly shut. Inside it was a jar. I grinned. “No way.”
‘What is it, what is it?” She scampered over to me.
“It’s a mother dough.”
Doughboy perked up over by the fire, and I leaned in close to her and pulled the jar out of the sack. “It’s a mother dough, so the yeast is already in it. And it’s still alive. Oh wow, there’s more flour, and… holy shit, is this olive oil?”
“Bread?” said the princess excitedly. “Are you going to make bread?”
“I’m going to make you the best damn garlic knots you’ve ever eaten,” I said a bit too loudly, given the company.
“Not sweeeet,” said Doughboy.
He was still stretched out, and I mean streeeetched out. But his body was shrinking, and he would be back to 100 percent soon.
“Hey, buddy,” I said affably. “I saved you the boar head. I know how you love to eat faces. Once you feel a little better, you can go outside and dine to your hearts content—”
No sooner had I mentioned it than he scrambled off the hearth and was out the door. Munching and sucking sounds ensued, and I winked at Eva.
We snacked on side pork and chatted while I made breadsticks. It took nearly two hours from start to finish, and when I finally pulled them piping hot from the brick oven, I presented them to Eva.
Eva’s eyes were wide with anticipation. She broke one of the breadsticks in half and steam rose from the soft center.
“Mm,” she moaned after she took a bite.
“If I had butter or garlic sauce it would be a lot better.”
“After being away from society for so long, it’s about the best thing I’ve ever eaten. You are a very good baker.”
“Thank you,” I said and realized that was perhaps the first time she had ever given me a direct compliment.
The ribs were ready to be eaten, so I sliced them up on the cutting board by the wash basin and presented them to Eva on clay plates. We spent the better part of an hour eating them, side pork, tenderloin, and breadsticks. The food did us both good, but even with an abundance of meat and bread, my body still yearned for starchy foods. Potatoes would have been great, but thieves couldn’t be picky.
It had been another long day, and Eva fell fast asleep on the bed. Doughboy curled up like a cat at her feet, and I put a couple more logs on the fire before going outside.
The Eye of Zodin was high in the night sky, its thick ring shimmering like diamond dust. I stared at it while I pissed and listened to the sounds of the night. An owl hooted long and slow in the distance, frogs croaked down by the river, and the never-changing chorus of crickets and heat bugs was all around me.
I guessed it was around midnight, but since the days here were only twenty-two hours long, it was disorienting. There was a chair beside the doorway. I removed a couple of pots from it and sat down. It was warm, and there was a nice breeze blowing in from the water.
I don’t know when I fell asleep, but when I woke up, the Eye of Zodin was partially obscured by the northern horizon, and in the east, the first remnants of sunrise were brightening the sky. The frogs were no lo
nger singing, and the bugs were silent too. The air was still and stagnant. The humidity had risen, and I was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. I glanced at the window; the fire was still burning.
Something had awakened me, and I tried to puzzle out what it was. I’d been dreaming, but I couldn’t remember what about.
I heard it again and knew that was what had brought me back to consciousness.
A woman’s voice echoed through the forest. It was soft and far away, and it was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I was drawn to that sound like a moth to light. One moment I was sitting in the chair, and the next I was walking behind the cottage with the pizza shovel in hand. The song was louder and more passionate. I was running now, moving fast through the dark forest and following a creek. It widened, and the sound of a waterfall blended with the maiden’s song.
I burst through the underbrush and stopped on the bank of the creek. A woman was bathing naked in a small pool fed by the waterfall. The light from the ringed planet sparkled in the water beads that covered her voluptuous body. Her back curved dramatically as she arched and rung out her hair. Her perfect ass was half submerged, but her breasts shone in the light, the pert nipples pointing upward.
She continued to sing, and I just stood, gawking at her. She turned and saw me. I expected her to be startled, to cover herself in a panic, but she only smiled and sang as she waded toward me. Her eyes locked on mine, unblinking as she emerged from the water.
“Hi,” I said as she strode up to the bank. “Sorry for disturbing you.”
She kept right on singing, looking me over. I knew I was in some kind of trance, but I wasn’t afraid. She was something out of a dream, and I was happy to go with it.
Eva’s terrified shriek shattered the dreamy mood, and the hot chick in the water stopped singing. She stared at me, waiting, and I stared right back.
She was no longer smiling.
Eva’s scream echoed through the woods, and the waterfall woman changed right before my eyes. Her beautiful skin turned green and scaly, her eyes bulged out of their sockets like a lizard’s, and she shrank to about four feet tall. In the blink of an eye, the woman changed from a knockout model to a saggy-breasted, webbed-foot frog humanoid.
I swung the pizza shovel at the creature’s head, but the toad woman cast a spell from her webbed hand that hit the shovel and deflected my strike. She cast another spell that hit me in the chest and left me on my ass five feet away. An electric charge coursed through me and left me unable to move. I groaned against the numbing sensation and tried to get up, but it was no use. It mumbled something, and far away, Eva continued to bellow. I heard other creatures yelling too, and I realized they were fighting Doughboy.
The webbed feet of the creature made me think of the tracks on the river near the raft we had stolen, and I’d also played my share of games and read enough fantasy books to know I was looking at a murloc.
I got to my feet as she unleashed another spell, and I deflected it with my blade, then chopped off her head.
Before the body hit the ground, I was high-tailing it through the woods. The princess was still shouting, and Doughboy must have been tearing shit up, because the murlocs were squealing like stuck pigs.
At the cottage, a large group of the scaly murlocs were carrying the sheet-clad princess toward the river, and another group of about a dozen were trying to kill Doughboy. They stabbed him with crude spears and daggers, but the blades went through my doughy buddy harmlessly.
“Jake!” Eva cried, and then, “Let me go, you devils!”
Doughboy could hold his own, so I chased after the murlocs carrying Eva away. They growled and hissed when they saw me coming, and two of them blocked my path. I batted them aside with the shovel, and they thudded into distant trees. More murlocs charged, and I cut them down, hacking and slashing and sending body parts flying.
Eva had gotten loose and was running to me, clutching her sheet. She hid behind me, and I stood between her and the murlocs.
Doughboy had finished face eating, and he joined me beside the cottage.
Mutilated bodies littered the ground, and the remaining murlocs hissed at us threateningly before running away.
“Where were you?” Eva asked angrily.
“I was lured away by some kind of spell,” I explained, feeling like a moron. “It was an, uh, some kind of murloc witch or something. She took on the form of a pretty young woman, and she sang so well… I don’t know how she did it.”
“You were lured away from your princess by a singing murloc?” she said, clearly not happy with me.
“Hey, I’m not impervious to magic.”
“And did you say the murloc looked… pretty?” She squinted at me like I was a weirdo.
“It was some kind of magical disguise.”
“Did it have a prettier dress than me?”
“Uh no, she… was naked.”
“Ugh, gross!” she said and gagged. “What’s wrong with you?”
“It was a friggin’ spell! Can we move on? Jeez. I did just save your ass again.”
“That’s your job,” she reminded me. “And quit referencing my ass all the time.”
I went into the cottage to gather the meat, most of which was still smoking. I’d salted the shit out of it, and with any luck it would keep for a long time. There were a few breadsticks left, and I tossed those in the backpack as well. I had about ten pounds and left the rest to keep my load light. We didn’t need much meat anyway. I’d killed a rabbit and a boar, and I wasn’t too worried about not being able to find game. This was a wild and untamed land. Despite the monsters, it was beautiful, even though it was dark and foreboding at times.
“You ready?” I asked as I exited the cottage with my supplies.
“Do I look ready?” she asked in her sheet.
“What the hell have you been doing all this time?” I was tired, I had just killed a bunch of murlocs, and I wanted coffee more than anything in the world. Needless to say, I wasn’t in a very good mood.
“Doughboy and I have been looting the murlocs,” she said with a devious grin. “Look.”
She pulled silver and gold coins out of a bucket at her feet.
“Nice,” I said and added sarcastically, “Maybe we’ll run into a nice diner run by a mermaid who takes murloc money.”
“Everyone takes silver and gold,” she said. “I’m going to change into my dry clothes. You stay out here and keep guard.”
“You don’t need any help?” I offered her a wink.
“Excuse me?”
“Never mind.”
She emerged as the sun was peeking through the trees. Her jerkin looked a little tighter, and the corset pushed her boobs even higher. Her dress was hiked up too, and now barely reached her knees. Her long, toned legs had a few scratches on them from our travels, but they still looked amazing. I noticed the heels had been broken off her shoes, and I offered a nod of approval.
“What?” she said self-consciously.
“You look good, that’s all.”
“Good? I look like a peasant. Gods, I can’t wait to get back to civilization. I’m so tired of bugs and monsters and—”
“Alrighty then,” I said over her. “We’re ready. Let’s get moving.”
It sucked leaving the cottage. I would have liked to stay there for a day or two, rest and eat, but the murlocs knew about the place. Besides, we didn’t have time to screw around. The Goblin King was still out there somewhere.
After three hours of walking through fairly easy terrain, the forest thinned out, and the sun shone more brightly. We took a break in a clearing where three big boulders formed a rough circle. They were strange looking. Where they weren’t covered in moss, they were gray and cracked, like dry skin.
“Thirsty?” I asked Eva, and she accepted the waterskin eagerly. “Drink to your heart’s content. There are plenty of creeks and brooks around here.”
“We’re probably going to be poisoned, drinking from monster-infested water,�
�� she said with a creepy little laugh.
“Did you get enough sleep?”
“Not nearly,” she said in an exasperated fashion. “And I didn’t sleep on a chair. You must feel dreadful.”
I was caught off guard by her sudden compassion, but I didn’t say anything about it, not wanting to ruin the moment. “I feel all right, given the circumstances,”
We ate leftover ribs and the breadsticks in the shadow of one of the big rocks. It was a nice day. The sun was out, the bugs weren’t bad, and the birds sang in the trees.
I was about to suggest we get moving again when a long and powerful fart issued from the princess. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“That wasn’t me,” she said urgently.
“Yeah, sure it wasn’t.” But then the smell hit me.
I covered my nose and looked at Doughboy, because there was no way a human had created such a stink.
“Not sweeeet,” he said and plugged his button of a nose.
“Dude, why didn’t you warn us?” The smell was so bad I had to move.
Another fart shook the ground, but this time I knew it wasn’t the princess or Doughboy. They were in front of me, and the sound had come from behind.
Eva pointed over my shoulder at something.
“Those aren’t rocks, are they?” I said apprehensively.
She shook her head, and a rumbling voice complained, “Who wakes us? Dinner, perhaps?”
I turned and backed up. The three big rocks covered in moss were moving. They shook and unfolded and reformed into huge, ugly trolls.
“You’ve got to be shitting me,” I said as they stretched and rose to their full height, which was about twelve feet.
“Mm,” one of them hummed deep in its throat. “Juicy humans. What a treat.”
There were two males and one female, and when I noticed that, I wished I hadn’t looked. Their faces were all fucked up—eyes too far apart, too close, or too crossed. Their noses were big gnarly honkers, and their skin were covered in warts and moss.
“Run!” I pushed her along ahead of me.
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