The trolls laughed and laughed and then, to my terror, their gigantic feet pounded the ground.
We fled along a narrow game trail. Ahead was a wide-open field. There would be nowhere to hide there. We were going to have to lose the trolls or fight them, and I wasn’t in the mood to fight giant trolls.
Eva tripped and went down with a cry of pain. “I think I broke my ankle.”
“Then I’ll carry you,” I said and scooped her up.
“Not sweeeet!” D warned and pulled on my pant leg.
The trolls were tearing through the forest after us. There was no running from them, not while carrying the princess. We were going to have to make a stand.
“Doughboy!” I said. “You remember how you mind-controlled that bat?”
He considered it and then nodded.
“Go do that to one of the trolls.”
“Sweeeet,” he said and rubbed his tiny hands together. Then he shot his tentacle-like arms at the trolls.
As they crashed through the underbrush, he flew through the air like a stone from a slingshot and landed on the face of the female. She stopped and staggered back, trying to peel him off, her muffled protests echoing through the forest. One of the males stopped and tried to help her, and I ran toward the other male.
He growled and reached for me with a clumsy lunge, and I dropped to the ground in a baseball slide, passed under him, and buried my blade in his crotch. I got up and sliced the long thick tendon in his calf. The troll howled in pain, but it still took a step toward Eva, who was scooting back on her ass, terrified.
“Oh no, you don’t.” I hacked it in the knee, tearing through thick muscle and bone, and passing clean through the right leg and halfway through the left. When the troll went down, the pizza shovel was torn from my hands. I acted fast and drew my dagger as I climbed up on the monster’s back. I pulled back a handful of mossy hair and buried the dagger in its right eye.
I turned to see what was happening with Doughboy as the troll exhaled its last breath. Doughboy had latched onto the female troll’s face and successfully taken control of her body. The two remaining trolls slapped and batted at each other like gigantic sumo wrestlers. The ground shook beneath their feet as they exchanged blows, and I took the opportunity to free my pizza shovel.
“How’s your ankle?” I asked Eva.
“Not good.”
“I’ll protect you, don’t worry.”
The male troll bellowed and smashed a rock into Doughboy’s face. The female troll’s head imploded, and she and D hit the ground hard.
The troll was furious, and his bloodshot, mossy green eyes narrowed on me. “I’ll suck the marrow from your bones, puny human.”
“Back off!” I yelled. “Or you’ll end up like your friend here.”
His eyes moved over his dead friend, and a low growl began deep in his throat. I glanced behind him, hoping to find the female troll getting back up, but she was still lying there, lifeless. The male troll in front of me tore a huge branch off a big tree and slapped it against his palm.
“I crush you to jelly and put you in my belly!” He laughed at his stupid rhyme and swung the makeshift club.
I dodged out of range as it whooshed by. He swung again, and I barely avoided this one. When he swung a third time, he did so low to the ground, and I skipped over the branch and swung at his right arm as it passed. My blade only grazed him, but it shaved off a large chunk of the his forearm.
The troll howled and backhanded me. I had no time to avoid the blow, so I moved with it to lessen the power behind it. His meaty fist caught my shoulder and sent me tumbling backward, and in the process, I lost hold of my pizza shovel.
I landed hard on my back and agony flared. The troll stalked toward me with his club raised high. I scrambled to stand and pulled my dagger free of its sheath. My pizza shovel had landed to the right of the troll, but there was no way I could get to it.
“Eva, get out of here while you still can,” I said as I maneuvered between her and the troll.
“Yes, run little girl, run so I can taste your sweat.” He laughed. Blood dripped heavily from his wounded arm, but he seemed to have gotten over it.
The troll lunged.
I braced myself.
Two arrows whizzed past my head and struck his eyes. He stopped and cocked his head, then said, “Ouch” in a gravelly voice and fell dead at my feet.
I turned around slowly, expecting to see two archers, but I saw only one and damn, she was hot.
The woman slung her bow over her shoulder and sauntered over to us with a confident sway of her hips. She had fire-red hair done up in a tight ponytail and startlingly green eyes. Her leather attire screamed Robin Hood, and she even wore one of those canoe-shaped hats with a feather in it at a rakish slant. Comfortable looking, green suede shoes were on her feet and light brown, stretchy leggings to the knee encased her legs. Bare skin shone below a short, brown leather skirt. The top button of her brown jerkin was undone—either because it was a fashion statement or because it was impossible to fasten, given her ample cleavage. A green cape flapped in the breeze behind her as she approached.
“Hello,” I said and walked toward her.
She stopped in front of the princess and grinned.
“Name’s Jake Baker,” I said and offered her a hand.
She shook it loosely. “And this is Princess Evangeline of Zenfindel.”
“How do you know my name?” Eva asked.
“Everyone knows who you are.”
“Not east of the Monster Bane Mountains, and if you know my title, you should have bowed.”
“That’s probably true,” the woman said lazily.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Scarlett Black,” she said with a mocking curtsey. “And I do believe that since I saved you both from the troll, I deserve half the reward.”
“What reward?” I said and glanced at Eva.
“The 1 million in gold being offered for the safe return of Princess Evangeline,” Scarlett said. “Don’t play dumb.”
“I’m not playing dumb,” I said. “I didn’t know about any reward, but it makes sense there would be one. I’m not in this for the money though.”
“Oh, really?” she said sarcastically. “You save princesses for fun, do you?”
“I was brought to Tarth from Earth by the goddess Celesta and tasked with returning the princess to her father. If I’m successful, the goddess will return me to my world.”
“Huh?”
“It’s not important,” said Eva and extended her hand to me. I helped her up. It seemed her ankle wasn’t so sore after all. “Jake is escorting me back to Zenfindel. Now if you don’t mind—”
“Oh, I do mind,” Scarlett said and took a step closer. “I want my reward.”
“Look.” I got between them. “Thanks for the help, but I had things under control.”
“Oh really?” Scarlett laughed. “Were you planning on fighting the troll from inside its belly?”
Eva laughed, and when I looked at her in hurt surprise, she laughed harder.
“I like her,” Eva declared.
“You do?” I said in disbelief.
“Yes, and you know what? We could use her skills on the road. We still have far to go.”
“Yes you do,” said Scarlett. “And no one knows the Badlands better than me.”
“Is that so?” I said.
“I’ve been adventuring through these parts for years. Great place to find rare items, like Minotaur horns, witch’s milk, mermaid tails, stuff like that.”
“Did you say witch’s milk?” I said in disgust.
“Among other things. And apparently it’s a good place to find princesses.”
“The Goblin King is after us. I don’t think you want the kind of trouble that’s following us.”
“The Goblin King?” Scarlett said in a near whisper. Here smile faded, and a haunted look darkened her jade eyes.
“You know him?” Eva asked.
> “Yeah, I know the son of a bitch.” She walked over to the dead troll I had stabbed in the eye and pulled out a dagger. She surprised us by sliding it into the eye socket of the remaining good eye and popping it out like a cork.
“Ew, gross,” said Eva.
“Gross indeed, and worth about a thousand gold pieces to the right buyer.”
“Really?” I was intrigued. Talk of a reward for the princess’s safe return had me considering bringing gold back with me to Earth.
Scarlett wrapped the eyeball in cloth and stuffed it into one of her many satchels, which she kept partially hidden beneath her long cloak. She glanced at me. “Troll toes are highly sought after by wizards, but just the end ones, you know. The pinky toes. You mind if I borrow that halberd?”
“It’s an enchanted pizza shovel, and yes, I do mind. No offense, babe, but we just met.”
Scarlett glanced at the princess and hooked a thumb at me. “Does he always call women he doesn’t know ‘babe’?”
“He’s pretty full of himself,” said Eva with a smirk.
“Oh boy.” I glanced from one to the other. “Here we go. I can just see it now. You guys are going to tag team me all the way to Zenfindel.”
“If you’re lucky,” said Scarlet.
It took Eva a second to get it, and then her cheeks turned red, and she covered her mouth. “Oh, you’re wicked,” she quipped with a mischievous little laugh.
“You ain’t seen nothing yet.”
I won’t lie. The image of being tag teamed by two beautiful women turned me on.
I chopped off the troll’s pinky toes, then went over to the other two to collect the rest. “Yo, D, how are you doing?” I’d kind of forgotten about the little wad for a few minutes. Everything had happened so fast, and the adrenaline, mixed with the appearance of Scarlett, had overshadowed my concern for my friend.
He was lying on the ground beside the dead female troll, arms splayed out like an octopus.
“Not sweeeet,” he said and groaned.
“You don’t look injured.” I looked him over. “Is it the shock of being linked to a body when it dies?”
He was happy I understood. He got to his feet, eight tentacles melding into to arms, and shook his head as if to clear it. Doughboy and I returned to the ladies.
His appearance disturbed Scarlett. “What the hell is that thing?”
“Sweeeet,” he said when he laid eyes on her.
“Right, dude?’ I mumbled out of the corner of my mouth.
He panted like a dog, and his doughy tongue grew so long it hit the ground.
“This is Doughboy. Doughboy, this is Scarlett Black.”
“He’s cute,” she said with a laugh. “But weird.”
“That he is,” said Eva.
“Here are your toes.” I handed them to the archer. “That should be enough cheese for helping me kill the last troll.”
“If that means you want me to leave, you can suck your own dick,” said Scarlett. Eva took in a shocked breath, and Scarlett glanced at her with amusement. “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness. I forgot my manners in the presence of your virgin ears.”
Eva’s cheeks turned pinker. “She’s even more vulgar than you are, Jake.”
“Is he?” Scarlett asked and looked me up and down again. “Is he a pervert too? Has he been trying to roger you every night?”
“What? Heavens, no!” Eva blurted.
“I’m a gentleman,” I said with a tip of my imaginary hat. “I would never dream of such a thing.”
“Uh-huh. Let’s get on with it, shall we? We’ll never get to Zenfindel at this rate.”
Eva and I glanced at each other. I shrugged, and she let out a sigh and said, “Very well. You shall travel with us to Zenfindel, and you two shall split the monetary reward. If that is all right with you, Jake.”
“How much gold, in pounds, are we talking about?” I asked.
“A million in gold?” Eva considered for a moment. “A hundred pounds, give or take a few.”
“A hundred… holy shit! Yeah, sure, I’ll split it. It’s not like I can bring that much back to Earth anyway.”
“Where is Earth?” Scarlett asked.
“It’s my home planet, and I don’t know where it is in relation to Tarth,” I explained.
“You’re weird,” she said. “And your sidekick is weird. I think I like you. Good for you both.” She turned on her heal, clicked her tongue, and strode off.
Eva and I set off after her. Doughboy walked ahead a while, padding alongside the archer, which gave Eva and me a chance to talk. “Do you trust her?” I asked the princess out of the side of my mouth.
“I don’t know,” she whispered. “Do you?”
“I guess. I mean, if she wanted to kill one of us, she sure had a chance.”
“That’s true.”
We reached the edge of the forest, and Scarlett raised a hand for us to stop. She crept on hands and knees to the bushes that separated the forest from field of green. Being that I was the head champion around here, naturally I disobeyed her wishes and crawled up beside her.
“I told you to stay back,” she said as she peered at the field.
“I’m in charge here, so let’s not have a pissing match.”
“Pissing match?” she said and glanced at me with a devilish grin. “Sounds like fun. Why don’t you whip it out?”
“You’re a bad girl, aren’t you?”
“Wouldn’t you like to find out?”
“I don’t see anything,” I whispered.
“That’s because you don’t know what to look for. See that tree out there all alone?”
It looked like a young apple tree, and there were a few plump fruit hanging from the gnarled branches. I nodded.
“That’s not a tree.”
“What do you mean?”
She nudged me and pointed to the southern edge of the field. “You’ll see soon enough.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes. A unicorn appeared. It was pure white, muscled, and had a long shimmering ivory horn that spiraled three feet from its sleek forehead.
“Holy shit,” I said breathlessly.
“You two must be my lucky charms.”
“What are you doing?” Eva asked ten feet behind us, where she hid with Doughboy.
“Shh!” Scarlett hissed.
“Why, I never…”
Scarlett nocked her beautiful curved bow and propped up in a shooting stance, with one knee on the ground. She aimed directly at the apple tree, then moved the bow up three inches and waited.
“Hell’vo kraken,” she whispered, and the arrow hummed.
“What the—”
“Quiet. Don’t ruin this.”
The unicorn walked toward the tree. It stopped, grazed for a moment with its eyes on the hanging fruit, then sniffed the air. Another few steps brought it closer, and my heart hammered with anticipation. I felt like I was watching a gazelle approach a crocodile-infested watering hole. Any moment now something ungodly and violent would erupt from the ground.
I didn’t want to see the unicorn die. The thought was an insult to my sense of justice. It was so beautiful, so graceful, so elegant.
Scarlett’s bowstring creaked ever so slightly.
“It’s a unicorn!” Eva cried.
“Shit!” Scarlett hissed.
The unicorn jerked its head toward us. Scarlett rose into a standing position. The tree burst from the ground, and resolved into a monster that could only be described as a cross between a rhino and a lion. The unicorn reared back as the monster barreled toward it with alarming speed.
Scarlett tracked the beast and released the bowstring. The arrow sang through the air and thumped into the rhino-tiger’s head. The beast went down instantly. It plowed to a stop in front of the unicorn, and there was a moment of silence as it considered the dead animal. After a moment, it bolted for the trees. To my shock and horror, Scarlett nocked another arrow, said “Essalla,” and let loose.
“What are yo
u doing?” I cried as the arrow sailed toward the trees.
“Oh no…” Eva lamented behind me.
Eva, Doughboy, and I watched, biting our lips in hopes that somehow it would miss the majestic unicorn.
But the arrow flew true, and it went down.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.
At the same time, Eva screamed. “Why would you do that?”
“Relax, you bunch of bleeding hearts. It’s not dead.” Scarlett started across the field.
I took Eva’s hand and we hurried after her. Eva was limping but kept up with me.
When Scarlett unsheathed a weapon, Eva rushed past me. “No!” said the princess, chastising Scarlett as one might a mischievous toddler. “You are not going to kill this poor beautiful beast.
“You’re right,” said Scarlett, holding up a small saw. “I’m going to take it’s horn. It’s worth more than—”
“You will do no such thing!” Eva protested.
“Is she always like this?” Scarlett asked me.
“She’s right,” I told her. “There’s a name for people like you on Earth. Poacher.”
“We have that word too, but I’m not hurting the unicorn. I’m just taking the horn, which will grow back, so if you don’t mind….”
She scowled at Eva, and the princess finally backed off. Scarlett sawed off the unicorn horn, and when it came free, sparkling dust floated from the wound.
“You see? The unicorn is fine, and the horn will grow back in a few weeks. See that tag in its ear? That’s mine. I’ve harvested a horn from this one twice already. When you cut them off, they grow back bigger, which is better for the unicorn. So relax.”
She backed away from the unicorn and gestured for us to do the same. I bumped into Doughboy, and he offered me a teary-eyed look.
“It’s okay, buddy. The unicorn is all right.”
“Hitheratho,” said Scarlett. The arrow flew out of the unicorn’s neck and into Scarlett’s outstretched hand. I realized that there was only a small point on the end of the shaft like a needle, rather than a big, triangular arrowhead. Then the unicorn woke up and struggled to its feet.
It walked in a confused circle, and shook its head, then regarded the archer. Scarlett held up the horn.
“The rhiger would have killed you had you tried to eat its fruit,” said Scarlett. “I saved your life, and in return I have taken your horn. Go now, Amadron, go and be free. I’m sure our paths shall cross again.”
Monster World Page 14