Monster World

by Michael James Ploof

  “I look like the friggin’ King of the North,” I said and struck various poses in the mirror.

  “Which one, my lord?” one of the servants asked.

  “Never mind. You wouldn’t know him.”

  The servants finally led me along a series of halls and into a dark room, where Scarlett was waiting.

  “When your name is called, you will walk out like this,” said the man, and he sauntered across the room like a catwalk model.

  “No,” I said flatly. “I’m not doing that.”

  “You look good,” said Scarlett.

  “So do you,” I said. “I see that you refused to wear their clothes.”

  “This is me. They can take it or leave it.”

  I could hear a crowd on the other side of the curtain, and soon the king’s voice rang out. He gave a speech about how worried he had been about his daughter’s disappearance, and how thankful he was to the gods, namely Celesta, for her return. Then he called our names, and the fidgety servants shoved us through the curtain.

  “Sir Jake Baker and Lady Scarlett Black!”

  We emerged to grand applause. The banquet hall was filled to capacity, but the only person I cared about was Eva. She was seated near the head table, which had been placed on a raised platform, facing thirty or so long tables arranged in groups of two. Eva sat to her father’s right. There was an empty seat beside her.

  Scarlett and I waved to the attendees as we moved toward the king. He shook my hand and indicated Scarlett and I were to sit on his left, next to the queen. No sooner had we taken our seats than the doors at the end of the banquet hall burst open and a middle-aged man with silver hair strode in.

  The king raised a glass. “Ah, just in time.”

  Lord Berdink, accompanied by three knights, strode up to the table and bowed. “I rode as soon as I heard the news,” he said to the king, then his hound dog eyes found Eva. “My beloved….” He went to her.

  I leaned forward to try to see better.

  Eva stood and took the lord’s hands in hers.

  “My betrothed, I have not slept a wink since you were taken,” he said dramatically.

  Scarlett rolled her eyes.

  “Thank you, Lord Berdink,” said Eva quietly.

  The king toasted me and Scarlett, then the dinner began, and to my surprise, actors burst into the room and reenacted the princess’s rescue. When the man representing me killed the Goblin King, the room rejoiced, and I received a standing ovation.

  The king rose, glass raised. “It is my great honor to announce that my daughter and Lord Berdink shall be married in one week’s time!”

  “What?” said Eva, taken by surprise.

  Our eyes met, and she stared at me expectantly, as though she was hoping I would say something. Did she want me declare my love for her? Since I was now a lord, was I supposed to challenge Berdink to some kind of pissing match? The moment passed, and Eva turned away.

  “Lord Berdink asked me to move the wedding up,” King Gendry said to Eva. “Do you find the new arrangement agreeable?”

  Eva looked at me again, and it was my turn to wait expectantly.

  “Excuse me,” said the princess, rose from her chair, and ran out.

  I got up to follow her. Lord Berdink met me at the door, and we both reached for the knob. I gave him a look that said to back the fuck up, and he did so with the curtest of nods.

  I ran down the hall. She ducked into a room, and I went after her. “Eva,” I said and gently touched her arm.

  “You got your reward,” she said and pulled away. “Why do you linger?”

  “Goddamnit, Eva, will you talk to me?”

  She wiped her eyes angrily.

  “What the hell happened? How did everything fall apart so quickly?”

  “Do you love Scarlett?” she blurted.

  “What?”

  “Yes or no. Do you love her?”

  “I barely know her.”

  “Yes or no?”

  I shook my head. “I’m just as confused as you are.”

  “Who said I was confused?”

  I offered her a look that said you know what I mean. “The three of us share something special. Something I’ve never known. I want to keep it if I can. I’d like to see where it goes. But I don’t belong in this world. If I knew you two felt the same way, I might stay. But you’re marrying Lord Berdink, and I didn’t hear any protests when your father announced it.”

  “I’m betrothed to the lord. What would you have me do?”

  “Think for yourself for once. Do what you want to do, not what you think I want you to do, and not what the lord or your father or the people want you to do.”

  “I don’t know what I want!” she screamed. “I’ve never known what I wanted. I just know it isn’t this.”

  “If I stayed, would you break off the engagement with Berdink?”

  “Would you marry me if I did?”

  “Why is it one or the other? Why can’t things be like they were? You and me and Scarlett, traveling the countryside, the kings and queens of our own destiny? Why must we shackle ourselves with the expectations of others?”

  “What you speak of is a dreamworld, Jake. It isn’t possible.”

  “It is possible. You just have to be brave enough to make it a reality.”

  “Then your answer is no,” she lamented. “You would not marry me if you could.”

  “Don’t do this.” I moved forward intending to hug her.

  She backed up. “Are you leaving?”

  “Give me one reason to stay.”

  She swallowed hard but didn’t speak.

  “Eva?” someone said behind us. It was the queen.

  She looked at me knowingly and took her daughter by the shoulders. “Are you all right, my dear? What in the world is the matter?”

  “You know how I get at these stuffy banquets.”

  “Do you need a moment more?” the queen asked, giving me the side-eye.

  Eva shook her head. “I’m feeling better now, Mother.”

  “Will you be returning to the hall, Sir Jake?”

  “No, my lady. I’ve a date with a goddess.”

  “Such an intriguing young man,” she said. “Don’t you think so, Eva?”

  “Most certainly, Mother.”

  The queen held out a hand. “Until we meet again, may the gods watch over you.”

  “And you, my lady,” I said and kissed her hand.

  “Thank you, Jake,” said Eva. “For everything. I won’t soon forget you.”

  “Princess, I don’t think I could forget you if I tried.”

  “Farewell, my brave champion.”

  “Until we meet again,” I said and bowed.

  My words made hope bloom on Eva’s face, then her mother led her away.

  Scarlett entered the room and spoke with Eva privately for a moment, then approached me with a look of pity. “How’d it go?”

  “About as well as a paper boat full of rocks.”

  “What now?”

  “I try to get hold of Celesta.”

  “You mind if I go with you? Not to Earth,” she quickly added. “I mean to speak with the goddess.”

  I put an arm around her. “Let’s go get our money and summon Celesta.”

  At our request, the gold owed to us was paid in diamonds, and shortly before sunset Scarlett and I climbed a tall hill a few miles from the city that overlooked the entire valley.

  “I guess I just call her name, huh?” I rubbed my hands together nervously.

  “Before you do,” said Scarlett and kissed me deeply.

  “What was that for?”

  “For luck.”

  “Here goes nothing.” I called out Celesta’s name.

  Nothing happened. There was no bright light, no whooshing sound. Nothing.

  “Celesta,” I said awkwardly. “I’ve completed my quest. Princess Evangeline has been returned to her father!”

  “Indeed she has,” said someone behind me.


  Scarlett jumped. “Oh my,” she said reverently and fell to her knees.

  Celesta glanced at her with amusement, then turned her glowing eyes my way.

  “Goddess,” I said with a nod.

  “My champion,” she said approvingly. “I have been watching you.”

  Scarlett blanched, and I chuckled. “Then you know I have been victorious,” I said.

  “You have done well. I am pleased. As promised I shall create a portal that will take you back to Earth. Unless you wish to remain on Tarth?”

  I looked at Scarlett and thought I saw hope in her eyes. “It’s tempting, but family back home are probably worried sick about me. I couldn’t do that to them.”

  “Noble,” she said. “Tell me, is there another favor I might bestow upon you? For you have served me well, and I am a generous goddess.”

  Was she coming on to me? The look Scarlett gave her made it clear she thought so.

  “Actually, yes,” I said and shouldered off my backpack. “Doughboy saved my life when the Goblin King tried to kill me. Had he not done so, the princess would have been doomed. If you have the power to do so, I would ask that you give him life once more.” I placed D’s baked body at Celesta’s feet.

  “The gift of life is no small thing,” she said as she considered the request. “If you had asked me to resurrect a person, I would have said no. But Doughboy is not human, nor is he dead.”

  “He isn’t?”

  “There is flicker of life in him yet. Step aside.” She raised her glowing hands.

  I moved over next to Scarlett, and she took my hand in hers. Doughboy floated into the air and began to glow. The goddess closed her eyes and tossed back her head, and her hair danced on a phantom wind.

  Just like that, it was over.

  The light died, and there was Doughboy, looking at his arms and blinking heavily.

  “Doughboy?” I said and bent to his level.

  He looked at me with big shining eyes and smiled. “Sweeeet.” He jumped into my arms and squeezed me pretty damn tight for a wad of dough. He made his arm stretch around Scarlett’s shoulder too.

  “I never got to thank you for saving my life,” I said.

  He waved me off like it was no big deal.

  “The princess has been returned,” I told him, “and thanks to you, I killed the Goblin King.”

  He pumped the air and made a high-pitched celebratory sound, then he turned to the goddess and bowed.

  “Thaaank… yooouuu,” he said slowly.

  “You are welcome, little Doughboy,” said Celesta. “Are you ready, Jake?”

  “Just a sec,” I said and turned to Scarlett. “You should take him. Earth is no place for a sentient Doughboy, and he wouldn’t enjoy living in a castle with the princess. You’ve been given lands and a title, but if I know you, you won’t be sitting around, tending your garden for long.”

  She smiled sweetly “You’re right.”

  “Take him with you to the Badlands. He’ll like that more.”

  Doughboy’s big eyes blinked heavily, and the look on his fat little face broke my heart.

  “I’m sorry, bro. You can come with me if you really, really want to, but there are no monsters on Earth, and therefore no faces to eat. I think you’ll be happier with Scarlett.”

  “And who knows,” she said “Maybe you’ll come back someday.”

  The three of us looked at the goddess, and she tapped her chin in thought. “I cannot keep the portal open, but if you wish to serve me in the future, perhaps I could call upon you when I have need of you.”

  “You mean like when another princess goes missing?” I half-joked.

  “You have proven yourself a true champion. You are known as Jake Baker, the Goblin Slayer, throughout the land. I may have need for a man like you.”

  “Uh, sure. Why not? Just give me a call. Can you do that, by the way? Maybe send me a text or something?”

  She cocked her head. “If and when I decide I require your services again, you will know it.”

  Celesta turned and lifted her palms, and a portal opened before us. I could see Romano’s from inside the pizza oven. Luckily, it was off. The place looked closed, which was another big plus. I can’t imagine how people would react if I came flying out of the pizza oven in the middle of the lunchtime rush.

  “It taxes me to keep the portal open,” said the goddess. “Say your goodbyes now, please.”

  I knelt and hugged Doughboy. “You be good, little dude. Only eat monster faces, understand?” He nodded. “Or make sure they’re evil dicks if they’re not monsters.”

  “Sweeeet.”

  “They have to be hurting someone or, you know, an obvious danger to…. You know what? I think you’ll do the right thing.”

  He gave me one last hug.

  I spread my arms for Scarlett. “I guess this is goodbye.”

  “You mean until next time,” she said and fell into my arms.

  We held each other close, and I breathed deeply of her rose-scented auburn hair.

  She kissed me on the cheek and then pushed me away, wiping a tear from her eye. “No need to get all mushy on me. Go on, Jake Baker. Get back to Earth, but don’t you dare forget me.”

  I told her the same thing I had told the princess. “Baby, I couldn’t forget you if I tried.”

  Then I bowed to Celesta and walked through the portal.

  The blue sky turned black, and I was sucked into a swirling vortex. Tarth vanished as I shot away at warp speed. The universe became a blur of light and color as the wormhole veered past the same exploding star I had seen before. I was amazed it was still in the throes of death. Spinning galaxies and planets rushed by, and the music and chanting I had heard before streamed past. I flew like a ghost through the universe on my one-way ticket to Earth, and if I hadn’t been broken into a trillion molecular particles, I would have been screaming my ass off.

  Everything stopped and went black. I had barely a second to wonder what the fuck before I suddenly shot out of the pizza oven and slammed into the service counter.

  “Holy shit.” I rubbed my sore head.

  The clock on the wall said one o’clock, and the place was dark and the doors were locked, so I figured it was a.m. I remembered my phone and scrambled over to where I had left it. There were three messages, a few emails, and other notifications, but the thing that got my attention was the date.

  It was Monday. Only three days had passed on Earth, but a week had passed on Tarth. I gazed at the pizza oven in amazement.

  A woman suddenly screamed. Michelle was standing in the hallway leading to the backroom. “Jake?” she said astonished. “is it really you?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said and ran a hand through my hair, not knowing what the hell to say.

  “Where did you go? What are you doing here?” She looked me up and down. “And what are you wearing?”

  I still had on the sick medieval duds I had been given to wear to the celebration dinner. To make things worse, the enchanted pizza shovel was still strapped to my back.

  I sighed. “I don’t think you would believe me if I told you. But I brought back your ring.” I pulled it off my pinky finger and gave it to her.

  She inspected it with a scrunched up nose. “Why is it so dirty?”

  “Is it? Sorry. I can pay to have it cleaned.”

  “You’re damn right you’re going to have it cleaned. Do you know how worried you had me? One minute you’re in the damn oven, and the next minute you’re gone.”

  “It’s some gnarly shit, right?”

  She looked at me like I was licks the bus window special.

  “I tell you what,” I said. “Let me take you out to dinner tomorrow night. There’s this great Hibachi place not far from here that is fucking amazing. We’ll toss back some sake, eat great food, and I’ll tell you all about it.”

  She gazed at my semi-luminous enchanted pizza shovel. “You’re weird, Jake Baker, and I like weird, but it better be the best damn dinner I’v
e ever eaten after what you’ve put me through tonight.”

  I left Roman Romano’s pizzeria with a distinct, otherworldly feeling. Everything was weird. Driving was weird. Walking into my apartment was weird. Hell, taking a shit on a real toilet felt strange.

  Sleep came hard that night. I couldn’t quit thinking about Eva and Scarlett and the crazy adventure we’d shared. I thought of Doughboy too, and it occurred to me how close I had come to death nearly every day I had been on Tarth. But for some reason, every memory was a fond one, even the bad ones.

  I stared at the pile of diamonds on my nightstand, hypnotized by the refracted light that sparkled on the wall and ceiling. I didn’t know how much they were worth, but it was a lot. A hell of a lot. The idea of being rich wasn’t very appealing to me just then, though. I was caught up in something grander than money.

  I had traveled to another planet, and now that I was home, I only wanted to get back to Tarth. What if Celesta never summoned me, and I spent my whole life waiting for a voice to emerge from an old pizza oven? It would drive me mad.

  The night I thought would never end finally did, and I woke up the next morning to the sound of songbirds outside my open window. When the memories of what had happened rushed back, I laughed to myself.

  If it wasn’t for the Game of Throne’s attire on the floor, and the enchanted pizza shovel gleaming in the corner, I might have been able to convince myself it had all been a dream.

  I thought of Eva and Scarlett, and Doughboy eating some poor goblin’s face. The sound of my laughter made me feel lonely, and I threw off the covers and shuffled to the kitchen. I saw my French press and remembered coffee. I hadn’t had any in over a week, and the idea of drinking a cup nearly made me salivate. As I waited for the water to boil, I looked through the window at a clear blue sky. It was going to be a nice day, but for some reason, it felt like a rainy Sunday.

  I should have been glad to be back, but all I could think about was the magical world I had left behind.

  The water boiled, and I poured it into the French press, then let it sit for three minutes. As I waited, I calculated how much time would pass on Tarth until my coffee was ready, and that’s when I knew I had a problem.