I Need You

by Jane Lark

  I looked at him through the mirror. That stupid angry leopard scratched at the skin across his chest. “Do you have to watch?”

  “Yeah. If you are gonna get comfortable with people looking at you.”

  I looked away, picking up my cleanser and the cotton-wool wads. “Have you watched other girls take their makeup off?”

  “No, Lind. It’s not what generally gives me a kick.”

  He’d never brought any girls back to the apartment when we were at college. I knew he’d had relationships, though, but they’d never been serious. He’d never brought a girlfriend over to Jason and I and introduced her; but I’d heard people say things, like “Billy spent the night with…”

  I’d heard a girl was angry because she’d never heard from him after something had happened and about four times in the three years we’d shared a place, girls had come up to me with comments and messages they’d wanted me to pass on to Billy.

  I’d never passed them on. I’d figured if Billy had wanted anything to do with them they would have gone straight to him.

  I looked at him in the mirror as I wiped the cotton wool over my skin, stripping off the foundation. “You’re freaking me out, you know that?”

  “I’m just watching.” His massive arms folded over his chest, covering the leopard’s head, but I could still see its claws stretched out. That stupid worn-out leather bracelet dangled from his wrist too.

  “Well, I wish you wouldn’t.”

  “It’s good for you. Think of it like medicine.”

  “Oh right.” My pitch had soured. Inside I panicked. Why couldn’t he see I was scared? I turned around, my hand dropping. “Please…”

  “I saw you this afternoon without makeup. So this is nothing new––face the fear.”

  My belly lurched. This time it had nothing to do with the quality of his body. My hand shook as I turned back to the mirror and began again.

  He wasn’t going to give in. So I had to.

  My heart rate pounded as I dropped the foundation-stained cotton wool and prepared another, then began again. It took me a couple of minutes to get all my foundation off, especially with my hand shaking.

  I looked at my eyes and my lips in the mirror. Which first? My gaze caught on his.

  His lips twitched up at one side, suggesting a smile, though he didn’t let it form. “Just do it… I think your beautiful… remember that?”

  He’s seen you before.

  I shut my eyes and began wiping off my eye shadow. Right now I hated Billy Worrall.

  It hadn’t felt so bad this afternoon when the water had been running over us. I hadn’t felt quite so naked and vulnerable…

  I didn’t just feel sick, it was like I was gonna be sick. “Billy…” It was a plea for him to turn away as I opened my eyes.

  “Go on…” Heat burned from the dark blue, urging, encouraging, reassuring––but saying he was not gonna let me get out of this.

  My hand shook when I reached for another wad of cotton wool. “Why are you making me do this?”

  “I’m not making you. I’ve asked you. And you want to be free of the trap you’ve made for yourself otherwise you’d have just said an outright no and told me to get the fuck out…”

  True.

  I stared at myself, not him, as I ran the cotton wool over my lips and wiped off the last of the lipgloss, leaving them pale. My mouth looked so thin, and my eyes bland…

  But my insecurity had lost me Jason.

  The earthquake inside me stole the ground from beneath my feet. I didn’t like who I saw in the mirror. The girl who had no life or color. She was ugly.

  I gripped the sink; I would be sick or faint…

  Billy moved, his arms unravelling. He stood behind me. My gaze was pulled to his in the mirror. His fingers gripped my chin, holding it steady.

  “This face is beautiful. Do you hear it? I mean really beautiful. More beautiful than when you cover it with paint…”

  He turned my head and moved around me, and before I said anything, or had chance to think anything, his lips pressed down on mine.

  My arms came up to his shoulders. Kissing is like a game of tag. His tongue brushed into my mouth and stroked mine, then withdrew. You’re it.

  I shut my eyes and joined the game, forgetting what I looked like as my tongue went into chase, reaching into his mouth to catch the tip of his.

  His hands slipped to my buttocks and the small of my back as the edge of the sink pressed into my hip from the force of his response.

  Kissing Billy was so different to kissing Jason.

  He broke it, and the power in his big arms lifted me up through his grip on my ass.

  My arms held harder around his neck. “Billy!”

  His deep chuckle was a tremor through my chest as he carried me out of the bathroom.

  “I haven’t finished!”

  “You’ve finished…”

  My legs wrapped around his thighs as he reached the bed and started leaning me backwards, his knee dipping the mattress. “Billy…”

  Fear pulled my lungs tight, making it hard to breathe. This was happening too fast again. Everything with Billy was full on and fast.

  He let me go, once he’d laid me on the bed, with a quick, sharp kiss on my temple.

  As he straightened, I sat up, my legs curling to cross in front of me, my hands settling in my lap.

  He toed off his sneakers. “You’re not lying down?”

  I didn’t answer; I didn’t know what to answer. My head was too busy shouting that my face was naked…

  He stood there, his eyes challenging. “Are you letting? Or do you want to? Or do you just want to spoon?”

  Cut straight to the point––that was Billy.

  With Jason, I’d spent half my life trying to guess what he thought, because he wasn’t good at speaking his mind; he’d been too nice. He avoided confrontation. He’d walk out or give in rather than argue with me.

  “I don’t know…” I took a breath. “But I was enjoying kissing you…”

  “Okay, so there’s a challenge. Do you want me to persuade you to want?” His lips parted in a big grin. “I can do that, if that’s what you’re after.”

  I shrugged, a chill lifting goosebumps on my skin; my belly filling up with a thousand butterflies.

  “Okay, I’m getting into the bed. Dressed or naked?”

  “Naked.” I swallowed, I’d seen him naked, it would just make things easier if we did do it, it would save me debating over whether or not I helped him out of his shorts… and that would be terrifying.

  You’re no better than Jason. You’re a coward, Lindy Martin!

  Billy hooked his thumbs into his loose shorts, then bent.

  I turned away, onto all-fours, and crawled across the bed to the far side, to pull back the covers.

  When I slid under them, I looked up. Billy got in the other side, all hard-honed, sinew and muscular flesh, the cut of his muscles moving beneath his skin.

  He looked at me, “Considering you want sex you’re all wrapped up… I don’t know how you think I’m gonna get at you…”

  I let my death-grip on the comforter loosen, he tugged it down, just a little, a grin parting his lips, and made a girlish scream. “Ahh. He saw me!”

  Laughter bubbled out from my throat. He was crazy. But that’s what he’d wanted me to do––laugh.

  Heat burning under my skin, as the laughter died, I rolled to my side, one hand tucking beneath my head on the pillow as I faced him. He leaned on one elbow looking at me, the comforter over his hip.

  I loved his eyes; blue and big, outlined by those amazing lashes. Jason had nice eyes too, but they were brown. Billy’s blue eyes were striking.

  I turned leaning back to switch the lamp off.

  “Uh, Uh. Keep it on. You need to conquer your fears, and I need to see if you’re letting or wanting.” He stared at me for a minute. “That is, if we do it at all. You can say stop anytime you decide.”

  I nodded as awkwardn
ess rattled through me.

  His hand touched my hip, over the tee I had on. “So we’re starting with kissing and seeing where it goes…”

  I nodded again, biting my lip.

  “But If you want me to kiss you, Lind, you’re gonna have to come a bit closer.”

  He wanted me to be the one who moved because he wanted to be sure I wasn’t just letting. I got what he was doing––pushing me again––making me make the choices.

  I shuffled over, my hand lifting to the back of his head, and my fingers sliding into his short hair. “I’m not letting you, I like kissing you. I liked it this afternoon––”

  “Liked…” He laughed. “That’s called faint praise, honey. I am gonna have to do better this time. Like really isn’t a compliment.”

  “This afternoon was good, it’s just, I’m… It feels weird.”

  “Good is as bad as liked, but I know what you mean, you feel nervous still. So kiss me and stop feeling nervous.”

  One of his arms slid beneath my shoulders and his other hand, that had been on my hip, slipped to grip my buttock as he leaned in to kiss me.

  When his tongue pressed into my mouth, his hand moved to my thigh and pulled it up onto his hip.

  There was no escaping Billy. He wasn’t going to wait for me to get over my awkwardness, it might well happen never; he was going to make me want him…

  My belly flipped with that odd delicious ache I’d discovered today.

  He had an erection already, and he rubbed it against my belly as his hand moved to my buttock. His tongue withdrew, then slipped back into my mouth, simulating sex.

  The guy was making me wet. I was going to let him do it.

  But there was that word. Let. I didn’t want it to be let, either. I wanted to want him to do it to me.

  If kiss is tag, then sex is a competition. You’re meant to fight for it. Fight for your end. Race me toward it, or trick me, tease me and hold it back.

  I wished Jason had been a bit tougher and told me I was doing it all wrong, then maybe he wouldn’t have left me.

  Billy broke the kiss and his fingers slipped to grip my t-shirt. “Shall we get rid of this thing?” He tugged it a little, not upwards, just outwards, shaking it.

  He’d seen me naked once already, but it didn’t make the idea of taking my t-shirt off any easier.

  “You know you can trust me. I’m not gonna screech ‘freak’ when I see you…” He joked.

  “It’s not funny…”

  In bed there was no difference in our height. I looked straight into his blue eyes. The teasing light died and instead concern glowed there. “I’m not making fun of you. I’m trying to make you feel easier, that’s all.”

  “I know.”

  “Well are we gonna take it off then?”

  I took a breath, trying to work up courage, and push down the terror tearing through me. “If you want…”

  “But do you want?”

  I huffed out the breath… “Yeah.” I did, but I wished he wouldn’t keep pushing me to make the choices. It stepped me up the rungs of an anxiety ladder heading toward panic.

  “Well then…” He sat up a bit, leaning over me and flicking back the covers so he could get a hold of my t-shirt, and he started lifting it. But I hadn’t realized he’d meant to take the covers off too, and my heart went nuts. I gripped his hands.

  “Relax, I swear I won’t do anything you don’t want.”

  Shit. I shut my eyes, nodding and letting his hands go. Nausea rolling in my belly, I arched my back as he pulled it over my breasts, then I leaned forward, lifting my arms, so he could slip it off.

  “Open your eyes, Lind, you look like this is torture. You’re kind of ruining the moment…” My eyes flew open and I swallowed against the dryness in my throat. His dark-blue gaze caught on mine. “Remember you can say stop anytime you want. So there’s no need to panic…”

  I nodded, but my hands shook as they rested against his sides, ready to continue.

  “You know you’re gonna have to take your panties off too if you want this to go any further. I’m leaving that to you so I know that’s what you want.”

  Awesome. I slipped my hands under the covers and slid them off, lifting my hips then my legs, doing it all out of sight, before letting my panties drop onto the floor next to the bed––vulnerability thrusting a knife into my chest.

  He didn’t look me in the eyes now. I think he knew. But as he threw my top on the floor too, his gaze dropped to my breasts. “You like your breasts, right?”

  I laughed. What a silly question. “Yeah.”

  “Good. So do I.” His head dropped and his hand lifted, and then he gripped my breast and flicked the peak of my nipple with his tongue before circling it in a slow, gentle caress.

  How did that do stuff in my belly?

  Then finally he sucked, and as he sucked the connecting sensation in my belly pulled tight. How could he do that? It hadn’t felt like this with Jason––ever.

  He lifted his head, “Are you still thinking about what I’m doing, or are you thinking of something else?”

  I couldn’t answer. He wouldn’t want to know I’d thought of Jason, images of him when we’d been together had filled my head.

  Billy’s blue eyes stared at me. “Just keep your mind on me and what I’m doing… If you want to get the best out of this…”

  I had a feeling he knew my mind had slipped back to Jason, or maybe he thought it was fear. I hoped he thought it was fear.

  “Lind?”

  My mind had wandered again.

  “I want this.” I answered, breathlessly. I did. I needed to get Jason out of my head, and I needed to––

  “Well then,” his head bent, and the rest of his words came as warm breath sweeping over my breast, “compete. There’s no fight in you; you’re just lying here. Do something, Lind. If you don’t wanna touch me, touch yourself.”

  “Myself?”

  “Like you did the other morning…” He looked up, flashing a challenge in his eyes.

  “How’s that competing?”

  “Believe me, that will make me wanna come.” His gaze was dark and intense.

  I shut my eyes as his lips brushed a kiss on my breast, then he tracked a path of kisses to the other side.

  Biting my lip I slid my hand beneath the comforter.

  Was I actually gonna do this?

  He sucked my left breast.

  I bit my lip harder and closed my eyes tighter. If I didn’t open them I could pretend I was alone.

  My fingers found my sensitive spot and rubbed.

  “Rock your hips,” he whispered over my breast. My whole body jolted. He wasn’t even gonna let me pretend I was alone.

  “What are you trying to do to me?” I said into the air, my eyes still shut as a tremor ran over my skin while his fingers played with one breast and his lips taunted the other.

  “Make you enjoy this so much you are never gonna care what your body looks like again… or use the words liked or good.”

  There was a promise…

  I touched myself more determinedly as he sucked me harder, this was a competition that didn’t seem to be involving him. But right now I didn’t care. I was thinking about what he did, and what it would be like to have him moving between my legs, giving me sensations that could make me forget everything.

  A flush burned under my skin.

  His fingers slipped down across my belly as he nipped at my breast with his teeth.

  Frick. His flat tongue pressed and rubbed, easing the pain he’d just caused.

  His fingers brushed my inner thigh.

  My free hand clasped a fistful of his hair and my other hand stilled.

  “Don’t stop, honey.” The warm air of his words teased my damp nipple.

  I kept my eyes shut and carried on, gripping his hair and rubbing myself, and when his fingers slid into me I pressed my head back into the pillow with a soul deep sigh. His touch was gentle and tender.

  No nothing
Jason had ever done had felt like this. He’d always been gentle, but not with the knowledge Billy had. Billy was gentle but he knew where to touch.

  I bit my lip again, my hips tilting up of their own accord.

  “Yeah…” He breathed over my breast as his fingers got more active, and I moved my hips to the pattern as they slipped in and out.

  Just keep your mind on me and what I’m doing.

  I wanted to. I did.

  Billy.

  My fingers clasped even tighter in his hair, probably hurting him, as my body got lost in the avenues of feeling. Billy tied my belly up in knots.

  The soles of my feet pressed into the sheet as his fingers reached deeper. My hips moved more strongly. Competition. A race. I was racing him with my fingers too, working just as hard as he was inside me.

  Something wrapped around me stealing the air. Shallow sighs left my lungs. I burned.

  This was ten times what I’d felt when I’d done this alone.

  Oh.

  Ah.

  Exclamations came constantly in my head but I didn’t have the confidence to let them out of my mouth, they left my throat as sighs as I hid in the darkness behind my eyelids, letting him touch me…

  Let?

  Nothing about this was letting.

  I drank in what he did.

  What are you trying to do to me? Make you enjoy this so much you are never gonna care what your body looks like again. Rock your hips.

  Hidden behind my eyelids, I could be that person. My hips lifted against his invasion, over and over as he played with me, and I played with myself.

  Then…

  Oh then… The end stole up on me. It raced in––hitting me like a sneaker wave.

  Oh my God. Oh… My… God… It crashed into me. This feeling… This thing… It ripped into my body, sparking in my nerves and racing through my blood, to my fingertips.

  I gripped his hair so tight I’d pull it out.

  He’d lifted his head and his fingers had stilled in me as my toes gripped the sheet. I didn’t know what had happened in the last few seconds. I’d left even time behind.

  I breathed hard as I came back to earth and opened my eyes, forcing my fingers to open and let go of his hair as my hips dropped back on the mattress.