I Need You

by Jane Lark

  “Lindy?”

  “I’m wiping my face! I’ll be there in a moment!”

  I dipped the washcloth in the water, staring at myself in the mirror. I’d have seven more years of bad luck now, after breaking the other mirror.

  Tears welled in my throat. What did it matter, my life couldn’t get any worse, and who the hell cared what I looked like? Why was I so bothered about looking good when no one cared?

  I threw the washcloth in the water and left it there, going to open my door. Dad stood outside, his hands on his hips and concern in his eyes. I loved Dad. But he didn’t know how to connect with me, what to say…. It wasn’t his fault. Nothing was his fault, and he was going through this too.

  Seeking comfort, I did something I never normally did. I stepped out of my room and slipped my arms about his middle. His arms came around me and I started crying again, sobbing into his cotton shirt. Then I realized that his body was shaking too. He was crying too. I didn’t look up, just held him even tighter as his damp cheek rested against my hair and we cried together.

  “Dwayne! Lindy?”

  Dad pulled away instantly, wiping the tears off his cheeks.

  I wiped mine away too.

  He smiled at me. “I know it’s hard, Lindy love. It’s hard for me too. But we will get through this. We’ll be okay. Now come in and sit with your mother for a little while so you can put her mind at rest?”

  I nodded, my gaze clouding. I wiped the tears away, and took a breath to stem the urge to sob. I didn’t know how anything would be okay anymore. The last few weeks, when I’d had Billy to go to, to escape into, things had got bearable. But now…

  Chapter Eighteen

  Billy

  “When are you gonna start smiling again?” Eva slid a plate of pancakes across the counter to me. I sat on a stool on the opposite side, not smiling. I felt like shit.

  “Have you heard from Lindy lately?”

  I met Eva’s far-too-perceptive gaze. “Not since her text. that said, you’re a jerk. I hate you.”

  It had come just after midnight on the last night I’d dropped her back at hers.

  “She’s the jerk. I can’t believe she doesn’t see what you feel for her. I––”

  My teeth gritted, neither did I. “Stop it, Eva, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “But––”

  “Have you and Lindy parted ways entirely then?” Mom walked into the room, interrupting Eva before she could launch into her favorite everything-that-is-wrong-with-Lindy-Martin speech, I’d heard it a lot in the last few days. Eva no longer thought Lindy was nice. Sleeping with, and then ignoring, her brother equaled “not nice” in Eva’s eyes. To me, it just equaled pain.

  “Yes, Mom.” I think so. I hadn’t told my family yet but I’d been looking at places to live in Portland. I figured this time I was better off making a clean break and getting away from here. I needed to put Lindy behind me. While I was still here, knowing she was only up the road, she was constantly in my head, messing me up.

  “Well, honey, you know we are all here for you if you want to talk.” Mom’s hand slid onto my shoulder, gripped, then fell away.

  “I know.”

  Dad had spoken to me the night before. My family were close, but it meant they all knew way too much of my business. At least they didn’t broadcast it, though.

  I started eating the pancakes.

  “I’m sorry it didn’t work out, sweetheart,” Mom added.

  So was I.

  “I’ll tell her what a bitch she is, if you like?” Eva grinned at me with an evil eye, ready for a fight on my behalf.

  I swallowed my mouthful of pancakes. “Just leave it, Eva, she didn’t do anything wrong––she just doesn’t like me like I like her. It’s not a crime and it’s not her fault.” It’s just, sad, and like being kicked in the balls and punched in the gut.

  “Like I said, she’s the jerk.” She tossed me a smile then headed off to finish getting ready for school and go catch the bus.

  “Are you sure you’re okay. Can I do anything?”

  “No, Mom, just give me some space to be down. I’ll get over it and then I’ll be fine.”

  She gave me a concerned smile, worry hovering in her eyes, then nodded and turned away. My cell rang out Clarity by Foxes and vibrated on the counter beside me.

  I had to change that ringtone.

  I glanced down. Jason. We’d been talking a lot since Lindy and I had split. It was like old times, we were close and reliant on each other. The only difference was there was no Lindy standing between us.

  Maybe some good was gonna come out of all this.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey, do you feel like a drink?”

  “If you want.”

  “Don’t sound so keen.”

  “Sorry, yeah, okay, whatever. I probably need to.”

  “Rachel wants to come out with us, is that okay? I think it would be good for her. She’s in one of her crazy happy moods.” He laughed. “So watch out, because she’s going to be burning energy talking…”

  “If you want, if she wants…”

  “Again, not so keen.”

  I laughed. “Whatever.” I should really get to know her more, if Jason and I were gonna be close again. It would be a novelty to be close with him and not jealous. The image of the leopard marking my chest presented itself, a reminder to move on. “Okay, that would be cool. I’d like to get to know her better.”

  “You’re not gonna secretly start liking her, though? She’s a little addictive when she’s up, it’s catching.”

  I laughed. “No, you’re in the clear, I’m done with that.”

  “Rachel will drive. She can’t drink anyway ‘cause she’s breastfeeding. We’ll pick you up at eight, after Saint’s settled. Mom is gonna look out for him.”

  “The family life…”

  He laughed.

  “Sure. See you then.”

  “See you later. Have a good day.”

  “And you.” He hung up. I put my cell down, to eat my now-cold pancakes.

  “Who was that?” Eva asked.

  I glanced over to see her head stuck around the door. “Jason. He asked me to go for a drink again…”

  “It’s good you two are spending more time together.”

  “Thanks. What are you now, grown from my little sister into my mother?”

  She smiled as she came over, and then she messed up my hair, ‘cause she knew I hated that. “Nope, just the little pain in the ass, who’s gonna hang around her big brother for the rest of her life. I love you, Billy. Lindy is blind and stupid”

  “Thanks. But you won’t be around for the rest of your life. You’ll find a guy and then you won’t be interested in me.”

  “I wish.” She smiled before walking off to go get her school stuff.

  “Do you want me to run you to school, Eva?” Mom offered.

  “No I want to catch the bus. There’s a boy I like on there. Maybe he’ll be the one to convince me my big brother isn’t the best guy in the world… I’m working on him.” She looked from Mom to me, throwing me a sparkling impish smile.

  I laughed. She disappeared.

  Shit, I had been chasing Lindy since the days we used to all pile onto the school bus. It hit home how sad my obsession with her was.

  I needed to man up and move on.

  Billy

  Watching Jason with Rachel was interesting. He was so relaxed it made me realize how tense he’d always been around Lindy. He’d held himself in with Lindy, careful of everything he’d said and done, not with Rachel. They laughed a lot and talked constantly and he was right, she was in a crazy, bubbly mood––smiling constantly, teasing him and laughing loudly. Making him laugh too.

  Whenever he told me something, she’d finish the story.

  They were a pair. Completely in tune and together.

  The times I’d gone out with him and Lindy, we’d had quiet conversations, this was raucous.

  Rachel told me abou
t when she and Jason had gone out for their first night together, and Jason had had a major hangover. He didn’t seem to care that she teased him, and his eyes glowed in the low light of the bar as he looked back at her laughing too. “So does it matter I’m not used to getting as drunk as you?”

  She laughed, “No, in fact I think it’s cute.”

  He finished his beer as I ordered another. I think he was on his fourth, I was on about my… tenth maybe? Busy drowning my sorrows quietly––I couldn’t get loud sad drunk with Rachel here and in her super-bright mood––so I was aiming for oblivion instead.

  I liked them together. I liked her. She was good for him.

  I wished Lindy could see it and get that, maybe then she’d move on too.

  At ten-thirty I started to think about heading home. My cell went off, vibrating in my pocket––Clarity by Foxes.

  Shit I had to change that.

  I took it out.

  Lindy.

  Fuck

  We hadn’t spoken for three weeks.

  Standing up I turned away as I answered, “Lindy,” catching Jason’s gaze and lifting my eyebrows as he stopped talking.

  Lindy

  “Lindy.” When Billy spoke I took a breath, longing for the right words, but he didn’t wait for them. “I told you, I’m not gonna be your sex toy anymore and I’m not giving in.”

  The tears already rolling down my cheeks grew stronger as I tried to catch my breath but couldn’t. A sob came out, on a sound of desperation.

  “There’s no need to cry.” The sound of people talking and music made him hard to hear. “Just… don’t call me, okay…” The words slurred a little, like he’d had a drink.

  But I had no one else to call! “Billy!” His name came out on another sob. “My mom is dying, she’s in the hospital. Will you come? Please! I need someone here!”

  “What?” His pitch changed from irritated and defensive to concern. The Billy who had taken me on vacation to help me escape.

  “She has cancer! She’s dying!”

  “No, Lind. What? What did you say?”

  “Mom has cancer! She’s in the hospital! She’s dying, Billy! I don’t want to be here alone! Will you come?”

  A sharp intake of air echoed from my cell. “I’ll come. Oh shit I can’t drive, I’ve been drinking.”

  It got quieter, like he’d been in a bar and gone outside. My tears fell in rivers. I couldn’t breathe; every breath became a sob.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll get there. Where are you, Portland?”

  “Yeah, in the Providence.” I‘d known this moment was gonna come, I’d known for so long––but knowing and living with it…

  “I’m sorry, Lindy. I’ll get there.” The slur had gone, and determination burned in his pitch.

  The cell went dead, my hand dropped and I slid down the wall. I ended up on the cold, tiled floor, and leaned my forehead on my knees.

  The pain I’d lived with for four years bombarded me like a stinging sandstorm, stealing my vision, my senses, and leaving me lost.

  Billy

  I had a feeling I’d paled as I walked back in the bar. My hand gripped in my hair.

  Had Mrs. Martin just discovered she was sick? But that didn’t sound right, not to be rushed in with cancer when it was just diagnosed.

  I was sure I looked confused when I got back to the table and grabbed my jacket off the seat.

  “Don’t tell me you’re going to go see Lindy?”

  I didn’t have chance to reply. Rachel stood up. “I’ll take you. Jason and I can get home to Saint, then.”

  I took a breath, shaking my head. “I’m not going to hers. It was Lindy, but she’s at the Providence hospital in Portland––”

  Jason stood. “She hasn’t––”

  My hand came up. “It’s not Lindy, it’s her mom. Mrs. Martin has cancer. Lindy said she’s dying. Lind is really cut up. I said I’d go there.”

  “I’ll drive you.” Rachel was already moving, the keys in her hand.

  “Fuck, that’s crazy.” Jason followed. “We’ll get you there.”

  “What about Saint?”

  Rachel glanced back at me as we walked out. “He’ll be fine with Granny. I’m worried about Lindy. That’s terrible.”

  “Yeah…” What the frick… I needed to get there and talk to her. Find out what was going on.

  As Rachel drove I sat in the back seat of Jason’s dad’s truck watching the darkness, not seeing a thing. This was mad.

  “Surely Miriam must have known…” Jason said, his head turning against the rest, speaking over his shoulder.

  “Who knows.” We were all in shock.

  “But it’s cancer, that doesn’t just spring up on you.”

  I kept thinking about Lindy being so down and upset after the overdose. What if… Shit.

  My fingers ran through my hair, then I messed it up to spike it again, before my hand fell on my thigh and started tapping out a beat.

  Frick.

  Rachel dropped me at the front door of the hospital. “Thanks, bye, I’ll––”

  “We’re not going, we’ll come in.”

  My eyebrows lifted.

  “Billy, she’s not my girlfriend anymore, but I was with her for ages, I still care about her.” He glanced at Rachel. “Rach gets that.”

  She nodded. “Yeah, I wanna know she’s okay too.”

  But she wasn’t okay, and I didn’t think she’d want them here. “Just stay in the front waiting area then ‘til I find out if she’s alright about you being here.”

  “Okay, Rach will go park up, then we’ll meet you in there.”

  “Just sit and wait, I’m gonna go find her first. She may not want you around.”

  “Okay.” His voice was tight and uncertain. He didn’t want to be shut out. But surely he had to get that he had no right to be here now.

  “This is about Lindy, no one else, Jason.”

  “I know.”

  I shut the truck door. My jaw locked and my hands clenched as I walked into the hospital and up to the reception. “What ward is Mrs. Martin in, Miriam Martin? I’m a friend of the family. My…” I still didn’t know what the frick Lindy was to me. “My girlfriend is there, it’s her mom…”

  “Are they expecting you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ll call up and check. What’s your name?”

  “Billy Worrall.”

  The woman looked away from me as she picked up her phone. “Hey. I have Billy Worrall in reception, he says he’s connected to Miriam Martin through her daughter. Can you check if that’s true before I send him up?”

  She glanced at me, smiling a little, as I leaned on the counter watching her. My breath probably stunk of beer. A couple of minutes of silence passed, then she said, “Okay, thanks.”

  She looked up at me as she put the phone down. “You can go on up to the ward.”

  “Where is it?”

  “On the first floor, turn right once you get out of the lift and it’s the first door.”

  “Okay.”

  I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans. I’d been mean to Lindy; I don’t want to be your sex toy. What the fuck had been going on in reality?

  When the lift doors opened on the first floor she was there, and she didn’t wait for me to step out but rushed in lifting to her toes, her arms wrapping about my neck.

  I held her too, and shit, there was that thing inside me, that addiction, that clawed and roared at the feel of her. I held her tighter. The familiar smell of her perfume capturing me and saying home. “Lindy.” My fingers stroked through her hair as the lift doors started shutting.

  “Shit.” I let her go and pressed the hold button. She moved away from me, her arms crossing over her and gripping either side of her ribs. “Come on,” I gripped her upper arm and led her out. She’d been crying, a lot, her eyes were red-veined and puffy and full of shimmering saline.

  A tear escaped.

  In the hall outside the lift I wrapped my arms ar
ound her. Her forehead pressed against my shoulder as she cried.

  For a minute I said nothing, my hands just stroking through her hair and rubbing her back.

  When she pulled away, wiping the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hand, I said, “Is your dad here?”

  “He’s in with Mom, I had to get out, I can’t stop crying and it’s not fair on her.”

  My fingers gripped her upper arms. They were bare, she just had a t-shirt on. “Did you know?”

  She nodded, tears flooding her eyes.

  “How long for?”

  “Years…” The answer came on a sob, and then her arms were about my middle and she clung to me.

  I gave her a minute, my heart pounding.

  Years?

  “Do you want to go somewhere to talk, get a coffee or something?”

  She shook her head against my chest.

  “What do you need me to do, Lind?”

  “Just hold me.”

  I did for a minute, but then the hall we stood in rocked. “I’m sorry, I need to sit down. I was out with Jason. I’ve had too much to drink.”

  She pulled back and looked at me. Then she nodded. I couldn’t tell what she thought.

  She turned to lead me along the corridor to a door she pushed open. “This is the day room, we can use it.”

  There were a load of chairs in it, a TV on the wall and a table in the corner with a stack of magazines and secondhand books.

  She crossed the room, pulling me after her, and sat down on a chair in the corner. I sat in the one at right-angles to it, leaning forward and resting my forearms on my thighs. My head spun.

  She slipped off her chair and instead sat on the floor with her back against it.

  “Isn’t the floor cold?”

  She shook her head, as her arms crossed, like she was hugging herself.

  “How long have you known, exactly?”

  She glanced up at me. “Nearly four years. She had breast cancer. When she got diagnosed it had already spread; it was in her lungs, and lymph glands and her spine. She could have had chemo and a ton of invasive operations, but they said it wouldn’t mean she was okay, it would just give her more time. She didn’t want to spend her last years sick or Dad to see her with her hair falling out.”