I Need You

by Jane Lark

  It wasn’t just sex, though, he was making love to me––cherishing and worshipping me, his gentle fingertips skimming over my skin as he kissed me, making me forget everything but him.

  “Billy…” My hand gripped the back of his head suddenly, when his fingers slid into me.

  We didn’t kiss as his fingers worked, but our gazes held and my fingernails dug into his scalp.

  I shut my eyes and my whole body arched when the orgasm ripped through me in a flood tide. Then it was him in me. Working hard, making me think of nothing but him again. His body, his size, his masculinity, his gentleness––his love.

  My fingers pressed into the flesh of his buttocks as he worked quickly, fighting to make me come again. I was insane for him when we did this.

  “Ahh!” I tumbled over once more and my flesh just became his as he manipulated and maneuvered me into positions to intensify the pleasure.

  When he finally came, it was about an hour later and I was boneless and exhausted, my face smashed into the covers, where I had fallen at one point, being on all-fours. I rolled onto my side on the bed, laughing. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me against his chest. I fell into a chasm of sleep. I hadn’t slept for days.

  Lindy

  Music woke me. Clarity by Foxes.

  Billy’s cell.

  I rolled over and sat up, the comforter slipping to my waist. Billy moved too, his hand searching for his cell on my chest of drawers. It wasn’t there.

  He got up and reached for his jeans. His cell was in the pocket.

  His palm rubbed his face as he straightened up and answered it. “Yeah.”

  I looked at the clock. Eleven.

  “What?”

  “Okay.”

  “Who is it?” I asked. He turned and looked at me.

  “It’s Jason. Rachel’s missing.”

  His hand lifted to stop me saying more. “Hang on a minute. What, Jason?”

  “Where do you think she’s gone?”

  “Sure, course I will.”

  “I’m at Lindy’s.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll call you when I’m in the SUV.”

  Billy dropped the cell on the bed, then immediately started to put his jeans on.

  “What is it?”

  “Rach had a bad day. She left the house about two hours ago. He doesn’t know where she’s gone. He wants help looking for her.”

  Billy picked up his tee.

  “I’ll come too.” I slipped out of bed as I said it.

  “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

  “She came to the hospital yesterday to support me… I want to.”

  “Okay, hurry then. Jason sounded desperate. He’s worried.”

  “Why?”

  “Saint’s been crying all day and Rach is off her meds because she’s been breastfeeding. He thinks she’s hit a massive low. He’s worried she’ll do something bad…”

  Shit.

  I dressed really quick, but Billy was ready before me and hovering at my bedroom door with his keys in his hand. “Come on,” he said, as I zipped up my sweater.

  I smiled at him, then hurried ahead of him. “So where do we look?”

  “I don’t know, everywhere. I told him I’d call when I was driving.”

  “Give me your cell, then.”

  As we walked out to the SUV, I looked up Jason in Billy’s contacts and called him just as I got into the passenger seat. Billy gunned the engine.

  “Jason.”

  “Lindy?” His voice rang with doubt and fear, and he was breathless like he’d been running.

  “I’m with Billy, we’re in the SUV, are you in your truck?”

  “It’s parked at the store. I’ve been looking everywhere around Main Street. I just don’t think she’s here.” I imagined his hand gripping in his hair as he stopped and looked around.

  “Where else do you think she might have gone?”

  “I don’t fucking know. I can’t think, Lind.”

  “Take a breath,” Billy was already driving toward town. “Where do you two go? Where does she take Saint? Where would she feel safer and secure––happy?” Those were the things that had pulled me to the store the night they’d found me.

  He let out a sigh, then took a deep breath. “The park maybe! We run there and she takes Saint there loads. She loves the park.”

  “Which one?”

  “Both.”

  “We’re near Lower Park, we’ll go there. You look in Upper Park.”

  “Okay.” The cell went dead.

  I looked at Billy. “He’s panicking.”

  Billy glanced at me. “I know. It must be bad.”

  Neither of us said anything as he drove.

  When we got there he pulled into the parking lot and as soon as the engine died I leaped out, leaving Billy to lock up.

  “Where do we look?” I shouted.

  “I don’t know, call Jason again.” I turned to see Billy glance at the cell still in my hand. I called Jason as we started walking, hurrying into the park.

  “Hi.” I think he thought it was gonna be Billy this time.

  “We’re here. Where should we start looking?”

  “Along the river. In the playground.” His breathless voice brimmed with anxiety. He was running as he spoke. “I can’t see her here! Rachel! Rach!”

  “Billy, you run along the river path, you’re faster than me. I’ll head to the playground. Jason, do you want to stay on the cell?”

  “Yeah.”

  His fast breathing sent a rhythm through the cell as he ran.

  I started running too, as Billy was absorbed by the dark heading for the river path. I wasn’t fast. The boys were the sporty ones. I’d enjoyed being a cheerleader but that was more about agility than speed. Energy flowed into my muscles––adrenaline, fear. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to Rachel.

  Six months ago I’d hated her so much I could have scratched her eyes out, but the emotion in my chest now was compassion and concern. I liked her. Oh my God. Had I just said that? But it was true. When I’d spoken to her at the store and in the hospital, she’d been nice.

  I like her.

  “Rachel!” I shouted out her name. But there was no answer.

  “Is she there!” Jason’s breathless voice roared down the cell.

  “No, sorry, I was trying to see if she’d call back.”

  “Rachel!” I heard him shout at the other end of the cell. But I took it there was no answer as a few minutes later he shouted again. “Rachel!”

  So did I. “Rachel!”

  The night was really dark, but there were lamps dotted about, illuminating the park for people who wanted to be out here in the evening.

  “Rachel!” I heard Billy shout from the river path, much further into the park than me. What if she was in the water? It might be too late.

  “Rachel!” I called again.

  “Rach!” Jason’s voice echoed from the cell.

  I didn’t understand. She’d been fine yesterday, smiling and talking excitedly. I knew what it was like to want to duck out of life and just get away… But Rachel had Saint and Jason, and she seemed like she had the perfect life… Why would she come down here?

  I ran on, with Jason’s breaths a rhythm seeping through the cell into my ear.

  “Have you seen her?” The passion and intensity I heard in Billy’s voice for me rang in Jason’s for Rachel. But it didn’t hurt me to hear it anymore. He loved her, and I didn’t even care.

  “No, but I’m not at the play park yet.”

  I carried on running, starting to get tired and out of breath, but then I came around the corner and the shrubs surrounding the path opened up. “I think I see her!”

  “What?” Jason’s desperate breathless response came through the cell.

  “There’s someone sitting on a swing. She has long hair, and she’s tall and thin like Rachel.”

  “I’m coming.” The call went dead as I ran on
toward the figure.

  It was just a silhouette cast by the lamp shining down on the play park. Whoever it was sat with their head down, leaning against a chain, gently moving the swing a little with their feet.

  “Rachel!” I called as I got closer. The figure had blonde hair, like hers.

  She looked up and even though I was yards away, I saw a vacant glint in her eyes. “Rachel.” I said more gently as I stopped running and got closer. She didn’t get up. She didn’t do anything other than look at me.

  “Billy!” I yelled into the darkness facing the river. I couldn’t hear him anymore, he was too far away. “Billy!” I yelled again. “I found her!”

  I didn’t wait for an answer, but moved closer, my hand out. I felt like I was approaching an animal that might run or bite. I didn’t know how she’d react. “Rachel, Jason called us. He’s worried. Are you okay?”

  She didn’t say anything. Just looked at me blankly.

  Looking down at Billy’s cell, I called Jason again and lifted it to my ear. She still hadn’t acknowledged that she knew who I was, or that I was even there. “Yeah.” His voice echoed like he had the cell on speaker in the truck.

  “She’s here. She’s just sitting. She’s not talking.”

  “Call 911, I’ll be there soon.” I ended the call, to let him concentrate on driving.

  “Rachel, are you okay? Can I do anything?”

  She shook her head, then whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  I squatted down as I typed 911 into the cell. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “I do. I’m not a Mom.” I could hear the echo of the black hole she was in––isolated and tragic. I had been there only a little while ago.

  But yesterday she’d been fine… Happy…

  The call rang. “Hello, emergency…”

  I stood up again and turned my back on Rachel. This was so strange. Me, helping Rachel… “I’m with someone, she has bipolar. She doesn’t seem with it… she’s not been taking medication.”

  Billy appeared, running out of the shadows, over the grass. He leaped over the low metal fence surrounding the play park like it was a hurdle.

  I carried on talking to the woman on 911, giving her the address and more details about Rachel, and then listening as she tried to keep me calm.

  Billy squatted down and spoke to Rachel, breathing hard and rubbing her shoulder.

  Jason arrived a few minutes later sprinting along the path from the parking lot at full throttle. He was super-fast when he ran. He probably could have run professionally but he’d never taken it that far.

  I breathed out… maybe because I had held him back… I’d always complained about him spending time running… I had been a bit of a bitch to him at times, I suppose.

  Jason wiped tears off his face as Billy moved out the way.

  Jason knelt in front of Rachel, gripping both her hands. “Rach…” There was so much pain in his voice. “You scared the fuck out of me. We had a deal, that you’d call when you get down, remember? You didn’t call me.”

  She didn’t say anything, just looked at him.

  “Mom’s with Saint, he’s gone to sleep. He was just gripey. Dad’s gone to get some powdered milk for when he wakes. Everything will be okay, but Saint is missing his mommy…”

  “I can’t do it…” Rachel whispered.

  “You can,” Jason answered with absolute confidence. He had total faith in her, even though right now the way she looked, she was right…

  “You’re going to be fine. The hospital will get you back on your meds. Everything will settle down, and I’ll go to New York and sort that asshole out. Okay? So you have nothing to worry about, except just keeping well.”

  Tears tracked down Rachel’s cheeks as we heard the siren of an ambulance. “I don’t want to go to the hospital,” she whispered.

  “I know,” Jason answered, “but it’s the safest place for you until you get straight. I’ll come with you, and I’ll spend as much time there as I can, and Mom will bring Saint in, and everything is going to be okay, Rach.”

  She bent forward, her forehead resting on Jason’s hair. I could see how much she loved him, craved him. It was in every movement of her body, no matter that she was trapped in utter despair.

  Jason moved, his arms going around her as he stood, picking her up, cradling her as her arms wrapped about him, clinging hard. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. I promise, honey.”

  Something grabbed hard at my heart as I watched him carry her toward the park entrance and heard the ambulance getting closer.

  I followed as Billy walked next to me.

  I didn’t know what to think as odd sensations twisted around in me. But none of them were jealousy.

  Compassion. Pity. Respect. Regret. Sorrow… Hope… Craving…

  He really did love her, and she loved him. What was between them was nothing like anything I’d known.

  The compassion and pity was for her. Respect––for him. Regret, sorrow, hope and craving… those feelings all span from selfish need. I hadn’t had that with him. I wanted it. The battle in my chest between all those feelings made it difficult to breathe.

  The medics took Rachel from Jason’s arms when we reached the parking lot, and then immediately they gave her an injection.

  Billy caught a hold of me and hugged me hard as Jason hovered near Rachel.

  I hugged Billy back. All the stuff in my chest calmed and eased, and settled down.

  I pulled free, turning. “Jason.” He looked at me. “I’ll come down and work in the store on Monday. You are gonna want to be with Rachel. I’ll work every day for as long as you need me.”

  He smiled, giving me a tender look. It was the way he’d looked at me when we’d been together, with kindness, and appreciation––never the heart-wrenching, overwhelming love he looked at Rachel with. “Thanks, Lind, that would be awesome. You don’t have to, though. I’ll understand if you don’t want to––”

  “I want to help you.” I did. I was over him. I was over being jealous. I didn’t want him, I wanted Billy now anyway.

  I looked at Billy. His eyes shone with that special look of deep affection. I leaned against his chest, against the leopard that roared and clawed beneath his clothes. His arm came around me, sheltering me.

  “I’ll come in for eight-thirty so you or Darren can tell me anything that’s changed.”

  Jason’s smile twisted, in an expression that said, thank you, but he looked tired and worn down.

  I didn’t understand. “How come Rachel is so upset? She was really happy yesterday… and then today…”

  His hand lifted and his fingers ran through his hair. “It’s chemistry, Lind. That’s bipolar. There’s a lot of stuff going on for us, and Saint has kept her up all night… But even if there was nothing going on, she could just go down, or shoot up for no reason when she’s off her meds… She wanted to breastfeed… I guess now she has to give that idea up…”

  Leaving Billy’s comfort I stepped forward, reaching out to touch Jason’s arm. “You’re good for her. You two are right together.”

  His smile split, but at the same time moisture glistened in his eyes. “I love her, no matter what.”

  “I know.” My hand fell.

  “Mr. Macinlay, we’re ready to go!” One of the medics called from inside the ambulance, as another headed to the driver’s door.

  Jason glanced at them, lifting a hand, then suddenly looked back at Billy. “Shit, the truck, would you take the keys ‘round to Dad. He can come get it in the morning.”

  “Yeah.” Billy held a hand out to catch them. Jason threw them over.

  “See you later,” Jason said before turning away.

  “When she’s more with it, tell Rachel I’ll be thinking of her!”

  He looked back at me and smiled again. “You can come visit if you want, she’d love that. It’ll make her feel better. She has never stopped feeling guilty. ”

  I smiled in return, without answering.
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br />   He turned away and climbed into the ambulance.

  Did I forgive her?

  I guess I did.

  Jason had never been right for me.

  I looked at Billy as the ambulance doors shut.

  I had a chance to discover real love now… I never would have done if Rachel hadn’t come into Jason’s life.

  I forgave her––and him.

  Billy wrapped his arms around me as the ambulance pulled out and I leaned against him.

  He brushed my hair back behind my ear, “Shall we go ‘round to his parents now?”

  “I guess so, we can tell them what’s happened then too.”

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Lindy

  So many surreal things had been happening in my life lately, stepping over the threshold of Jason’s parents’ house was another. It was a long time since I’d been here, and I had been a different person then.

  The last time I’d come here had been for their Christmas party. Jason and I had already split and he’d been here with Rachel. His parents hadn’t liked her and she and I had had a battle of words.

  She’d won.

  Like she’d won Jason. I’d hated her then, and for months after…

  Now? I think I did like her.

  Billy gripped my hand harder when Ester, Jason’s mom, invited us into the living room and offered us some coffee. Darren sat in his usual chair. He smiled at me. I’d worked in the store with him since I’d turned sixteen. He’d been a dad to me too.

  “Lindy, love.” He stood up.

  “Darren.” I let go of Billy’s hand to hug Jason’s dad.

  “The circumstances are horrible, I know, but it is good to see you again. I felt like I lost a daughter.” He let me go as tears fought to be freed, but they didn’t run over.

  Maybe I had exiled myself in the last few months rather than been pushed out. No one had ever asked me to leave the store. I could have still gone in to see Darren, if nothing else.

  “Jason sent us ‘round to give you the keys for the truck.” Billy held them out. Darren took them.

  “He’s gone in the ambulance to the hospital with Rachel,” I explained.