by N L Ardwick
“I began to think that I did not deserve love. If I did, why did my father leave me to cope alone? I got used to holding everything inside. One time, I remember when I was in the childrens’ home, I asked one of the boys if he would talk to me. I told him he could read a book if he liked and he did not need to listen. I just needed to tell someone. He laughed at me.”
Tears were now rolling down his face. The tears turned into sobs. Harpreet held him in her arms while he cried. She loved him even more now.
“I want to show you something,” Michael stated. He pulled out the crumpled photograph of him with his parents. He had looked at this many times since he had found it in the loft.
He told her how he had felt the day his mother was buried. He had not properly grieved for her.
“But why did you stop looking for your father? He might still be alive.”
“I didn’t want to feel any more pain. What if he rejected me as my mother did? I could not bear it. He may have replaced me with another family. I did look for a while but gave up.”
Harpreet vowed to help him look for his father. He owed it to himself. He needed closure. It was 11pm before Michael said he had to go.
“Why don’t you stay?” she asked. “It is better then going home to be by yourself.”
She assumed that as she now knew he did not live with his mother, he lived alone. He told her he was tired and it was easier to get to Simmons and Jones from where he lived. It was his last day the following day and he wanted to go in early to finish things off.
“I could always come with you,” she said, kissing him gently.
“No,” he snapped. She was taken aback by his reaction. He saw that she looked shocked. He kissed her.
“Sorry, sorry, I’m just tired. I think it would be better if I was alone today.”
She nodded. She was in too deep now, that whatever he said, she would accept it. He did not say when he would come over again and she did not ask him.
Michael was already at work when she went in the next day. She missed him already and dreaded the next day when he would not be there any more. She did not see much of him until lunchtime as he was busy with Edward Jones, who had also arranged to take him to lunch.
“I will see you after lunch,” he whispered to her before he left. “I will come up.”
It was three o clock before he came to her room.
“You will forget about me now that you are moving onto bigger and better things,” she said. She felt insecure, not knowing if things would be the same between them once he left. He kissed her forehead, keeping an eye on the door in case anyone walked in.
“There is nothing better than you,” he said to reassure her. “Once I am settled at Chambers, you can come and meet me for lunch.”
“What is your father’s name, I will see if I can find out how to locate missing people.”
He looked hesitant. He did not want to remember how he had cried and lost control in front of her.
“I am not sure,” he replied. “I don’t know if I am ready.”
“I will look and if I do find him, you can still decide whether you want to see him.”
He was touched by her desire to help him.
“Ok, then. His name is Christopher Daniels.” Just mentioning his name caused those old feelings of rejection to surface.
They were interrupted by a knock at the door. It was Richard, who had come to tell him that Edward Jones wanted to introduce him to someone. Michael said goodbye and left the room. When she left to go home later in the afternoon, he had already gone.
It was Saturday the next day. Gurmeet had gone to a friend’s birthday party and she would collect him at three. She did not have time to think. Baljeet had called and said she was in the area and would come to see her. She had not told Baljeet about Michael. She would tell her today. In fact since she had become involved with him, she had not spoken to anyone else much. She had been so preoccupied in her feelings for him. She remembered that Dave had called her and left a message a few days ago but she had not called him back. She would call him now.
Dave sounded surprised to hear from her.
“Are you ok, Harp? I haven’t heard from you for a while. I was beginning to get worried.”
“I am fine Dave. Actually, I have been meaning to tell you something. I am seeing someone. His name is Michael and I met him at work. I love him Dave.”
There was silence on the other end.
“Are you there Dave?” she asked.
“Yes, yes, sorry I got distracted. That’s great Harp. Anyway, how is Gurmeet?”
She did not notice that he had changed the subject and had not asked any more about Michael.
“So, how is Chloe?”
“Actually, we split up. She was not right for me. Too young and all that.”
“Oh, I am sorry to hear that. Are you upset?”
He laughed. “No, no it’s fine. It had run it’s course.”
She told him she had to go to get ready to collect Gurmeet and would be in touch to arrange for them to meet.
Baljeet arrived at seven o clock. She had been on holiday and looked well. Harpreet told her about Michael and asked her not to mention it to their parents.
“I am glad you have met someone Sis. After everything that has happened, you need some happiness.”
CHAPTER 15
It had now been two weeks since Michael had left Simmons and Jones. He had called daily at first and then it became every other day. She missed him terribly. Sometimes, he would say he would call and if it had become late, she could not stand it and she would call him. Sometimes, he was attentive and would talk just as he used to and at other times, he was distant and vague. The more distant he was, the more she wanted him and the more she needed him.
Sometimes he would say that he forgot to call and she would ask him how he forgot? After all, she never forgot. She excused his behaviour, justifying it, that maybe he was scared to get close to anyone. She wanted to love him and she was sure that if she loved him enough, she would make up for all the pain and rejection he had suffered as a child. Deep down, this made her forget her own pain.
She heard from Tim, at work that there was to be a Chambers party the following evening at 12 Gosforth Park and that the whole firm had been invited. Michael had not mentioned this to her. She wondered whether she should go. It would give her an opportunity to see him again. She had not seen him for three weeks now. He called that evening.
“Michael, I heard there is a do at Chambers tomorrow. I was thinking of coming. You didn’t mention it.”
“Oh, oh, yes, I totally forgot to mention it,” he responded. “Yes, come. I will introduce you to Max Evans.”
“Ok, I will. I also wanted to tell you something. I didn’t want to discuss it on the phone. He did not appear curious as to what it might be.
“Ok, sure. I will see you tomorrow.” He was about to put the phone down.
“Michael. Will you come over, next week and stay? It’s been ages. I really miss you.”
“Yes, I know. I miss you too,” he replied. “You know how it is though. I have just started a new job and Max Evans has got me running around everywhere. And he is heavy on socialising as well.”
The Chambers do was held in an old stone building near to 12 Gosforth Park. The party took place in a baronial type room. There were trays of flutes filled to the brim with champagne near to the door. She spotted Michael standing in a crowd of people in the middle of the room. He did not see her come in. She went over to him, thinking he would be as happy to see her, as she was him. However, when he saw her, he did not make much eye contact and did not introduce her to the crowd of people with whom he was standing. She felt tears brimming in her eyes and made an excuse that she had to go to the ladies. How could he treat her like this?
It was much later that he approached her and spoke to her. They were alone now.
“Hey Harp, how are you doing? Sorry I didn’t introduce you before. I couldn’t remember
any of their names to be honest and did not want to embarrass them. You do understand don’t you?”
She forgot about what had happened. She was just happy that he was there. She remembered how she had felt before she met him. She was like an empty shell with the wind blowing through her.
“Michael, I think I may have found your father,” she whispered. I am not certain it is him. He was born in 1931. He appears to be in a nursing home about ten miles from here.”
He did not want to hear it, not now.
“Ok, we will talk about it later,” he responded.
They were interrupted by Max Evans who came to join them.
“And who is this beautiful young lady, Michael?, he asked peering at her over his glasses. Harpreet looked at him. He was just the way Michael had described him. He had a narrow, oblong face with angular cheekbones and a pointed chin. His face held forward in a steady gaze, and had an air of authority.
“Max, this is Harpreet from Simmons and Jones, a former colleague of mine.”
Harpreet waited for Michael to tell him that she was his girlfriend but it did not happen. He then left her and went with Max Evans to speak to Edward Jones. He did not speak to her again until she left and said he would call her.
She did not know what had happened. How could he have changed like this and why? What had she done? She consoled herself again that it was not about her. It was because he had never been loved and did not know how to show love. She had hoped that the news of his father would make him happy.
The following evening, she was surprised to receive a phone call from him. He said he wanted to come over and asked if she was alone. Gurmeet had gone for a sleepover and she told him it was fine. It was nine o clock in the evening by the time he arrived. She had called him to ask when to expect him but he had not answered the phone. He looked as handsome as ever. She could not resist him. They did not speak. He lifted her up in his arms. They made love. It was even better than the first time. She felt loved and wanted by him. Afterwards, they lay in each other’s arms. He stroked her hair and touched her face and told her how beautiful she was and how he had missed her. It was midnight. He did not get up to leave and they both fell asleep.
She smiled as she awoke and saw him lying next to her. She had forgotten all the days and weeks that she had waited for him.
“Michael, why don’t you ever invite me to yours?” she asked.
‘I will Harp. It’s not a very nice place. I am looking for something else and then I will invite you.”
This was enough for her. She would wait.
Her phone rang.
“Leave it,” he said, kissing her on her neck.
“I can’t. It might be about Gurmeet.”
She answered the phone. It was Dave. She had not heard from him for a few weeks. She remembered that she had last told him that she would be in touch to arrange for him to come round.
“Hi Harp. Hope it’s not too early I was on my way over to your area. I have a few jobs to do and thought I would pop in and take you for coffee. Is that ok?”
Without thinking, she confirmed that it would be fine. And anyway, he could meet Michael.
“Who was that?” Michael asked.
“Oh, its just Dave, a friend of mine from school. He is going to pop over and we can go for a coffee together.”
“I had better go then.” Michael made to get up.
“But why, Michael? Do you not want to meet any of my friends? You will like Dave.”
Michael agreed to stay, reluctantly. He needed to go home.
Dave arrived half an hour later. He was not expecting anyone else to be there and asked where Gurmeet was. They decided to stay in rather than go out as Michael said he would have to go soon. The two men did not speak much and Harpreet struggled to keep the conversation going to involve both of them. After twenty minutes, Dave stood up and said he had to go.
“He likes you.” Michael stated as soon as he had gone.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she laughed. “We are very good friends from school.”
“Trust me Harp, I know men. He was jealous.”
She told him he had nothing to worry about and put his jealousy down to the fact that he loved her.
“Michael, have you thought any more about your father?” she asked. “Do you want me to contact the home and ask if we can go. It might be better if you did it, they probably won’t speak to me.”
He took the telephone number and said he would call them.
CHAPTER 16
Jasmine had not had a good night. She had been tossing and turning. Michael rose early and took Lucy to school. He then returned home. He was accompanying Jasmine to the five month scan. The ante natal unit was busy with other mothers at various stages of their pregnancies. Some were accompanied by their partners or husbands and some were alone. Michael held onto Jasmine’s hand reassuringly.
His thoughts turned to Harpreet. He loved her. But she needed him too much. He did not want to hurt her. But how could he not? She did not know the truth and he would never tell her.
“Michael, this is going to be our third child. Don’t you think the children deserve to know their paternal grandparents?” Jasmine said to him quietly.
“You never mention them. Have you fallen out with them? Is that why we have not heard from them. I just feel as though there is a part of the jigsaw missing from the picture of our perfect family.”
He did not have a chance to respond. They were called in by the radiographer for the scan. She was a tall, slim lady in her thirties.
“Everything looks just fine,” she smiled. “Do you want to know the sex of the baby?”
Jasmine looked up at Michael for him to make the decision.
“Oh, ok, yes please.” he responded.
“Well if I am not mistaken, it looks like you are going to have a son.”
Jasmine beamed and Michael lent down and kissed her.
He dropped Jasmine home and told her he was going to see a friend. Instead, he drove around the corner and stopped the car. He needed to think. He thought about what Jasmine had said. She was right. There was a piece of the jigsaw missing. If his father was still alive, he needed to see him. He pulled out the crumpled piece of paper with the number of the nursing home written on it and called them. He was nervous. His heart was beating faster now.
“Hello, my name is Michael Daniels. I am looking for my father, Christopher Daniels. I understand that he may be there.”
The lady on the other end introduced herself as Sharon Spencer.
“You don’t know how pleased your father would be to hear from you. He has been here a few months now and he has mentioned your name again and again.”
Michael’s eyes filled with tears. He arranged an appointment to go for a visit at the weekend.
He put the phone down and closed his eyes. His mind was racing. He had imagined this day for so long. He thought about his mother, as if out of guilt. He remembered his promise to himself to buy a headstone for her grave. He had managed to save some money from his job at Simmons and Jones. He would use it for this. His mind immediately turned to Harpreet. He needed to speak to her.
“Hello Michael,” Harpreet sounded happy to hear from him.
“I need to see you Harp. I called the nursing home today. I will come over later.”
Harpreet left work earlier than normal. He had said he was not at work and would be round at six. He told her about his call to the nursing home and that he had arranged an appointment to go on Saturday.
“Will you come with me, Harp.? I need you by my side.”
“Of course I will,” she replied.
After that they made love. His lovemaking was more passionate than ever and she became more addicted to him. He did not go home. He needed her to love him and to comfort him.
It was raining heavily when they arrived outside the nursing home. It was a large imposing building set back from the road. They walked into the entrance hallway, where they waited for Sharo
n Spencer. There was a strong smell of Dettol in the air. After what seemed like twenty minutes, she arrived and showed them into a small room off the corridor. She was a plump middle aged lady. Her bleached blonde hair, made thin from too many years of hair dye, hung straight into an angular cut at her jaw.
She started by taking evidence of Michael’s identification.
“You would be amazed at how many people turn up here claiming to be relatives. More like that they have heard that the old dears are going to pop their clogs and want to get their hands on some money.”
She looked at Michael suspiciously.
“We have very high standards here at Sundown Terraces you know. Not like some of these places you hear about. The bosses have praised me for my sharpness and organisation you know.”
She looked at Harpreet.
“This must be your wife then? Christopher has only ever mentioned his son.”
“This is Harpreet, my girlfriend,” Michael responded.
“Now to get down to business,” Sharon Spencer continued.
“Your father has had a stroke. The neighbours found him. He was in hospital for a while and then he came here. He is one of our quieter ones. We don’t want him to have any shocks mind you, so I will come along with you and introduce you to him.”
She stood up and walked towards the door and opened it. She gestured that they should follow her. Michael looked at Harpreet. His heart was in his mouth.
They walked along the endless corridor before Sharon Spencer stopped outside a door and peered through the small glass.
“Just checking he is decent,” she said.
She opened the door and stepped inside, holding the door open for Michael and Harpreet to follow her.
“Christopher, I have got your son here, Michael,” Sharon Spencer shouted.
Michael looked towards the bed. He had vague memories of his father. The man lying in the bed showed little resemblance to the man in the photograph. Sharon Spencer told him that his father had had a major stroke which had left the whole of the right side of is body paralysed. He now needed full time care.