by N L Ardwick
Michael moved closer to the bed. Tears were running down his face. He touched his father’s face which was drooping to one side and it broke his heart.
“Dad, it’s me Michael, your son,” he said, holding on to his father’s hand.
His father looked confused, but Michael saw the tears in his eyes. He had recognised him. His father tried to speak.
“My son,” he could barely get the words out.
They stayed for another twenty minutes before they were told that they had to leave.
“I am sorry, but he is getting tired now,” Sharon Spencer said, now in a more gentle voice. She had seen how hard this had been for Michael.
Once in the car, Michael broke down.
“I will never be able to speak to him about my mother and why he left,” he sobbed.
Harpreet held him in her arms until he went quiet. She offered to drive them home. He did not come in and said he needed to be on his own again.
“Thank you,” he said, squeezing her hand as she got out of the car. “I don’t know what I would ever do without you.”
CHAPTER 17
It had now been three weeks since they had been to the nursing home. He had barely called. She had tried calling him, but he was always distracted or too busy. She looked in the mirror. She was looking gaunt. She was hardly eating. The short lived euphoria had been replaced by hurt and more pain. She did not think it was possible to hurt any more. She could not understand how one minute Michael could be so lovely and then he would change.
She thought back to how he had treated her at the Chambers party, how he did not answer her calls, how he went from making passionate love to her, to then being cold and aloof. She needed to talk to someone. She would call Dave.
“Dave, can we meet up? I need to speak to you.”
Dave sounded worried.
“Of course, are you ok Harp, you don’t sound it.”
“Just come over and I will tell you. I just want to run something by you. I am sure it’s nothing to worry about. You will probably tell me I am being silly.”
Dave arrived an hour later. He was shocked at her gaunt appearance.
“Harp, you don’t look well. I have been worried about you for a while. I didn’t say anything because I thought you might think I am interfering and you have got Michael to talk to. I just thought everything was better now that you are seeing Julia.”
She told him that she had not been to see Julia for a while. In fact, not since she had been involved with Michael. She told him how Michael was fine sometimes and at other times he would just disappear.
“I know he loves me. It’s just that he has had some issues in his childhood and he doesn’t know how to show me he loves me. I can’t take any more pain, Dave.”
She was crying now. He wanted to put his arm around her.
“Harp, if he loved you, he would be here. He wouldn’t hurt you. I assume you have told him what happened to you. It is making me really angry, that he is treating you like this. You don’t deserve it. He has isolated you from everyone.”
She told him she would be fine and she was probably overreacting. She felt more worthless than ever.
It was a few days later that Michael called again. He told her he had gone back to the nursing home and sat with his father.
“Michael, I need to speak to you. Will you come over? We don’t seem to see each other any more. Is there someone else?”
“Of course not, don’t be silly. You know I am busy. I will try and come tomorrow but I can’t make any promises.”
She did not hear from him the following day and it was two days later before he called and said he would come.
“Are we still together Michael?” she asked. The more he rejected her, the more she wanted him.
“I thought we were,” he replied. “I am tired. I don’t really want to talk about this now. You go on too much. That’s why I stay away. You are just too needy. You don’t give me any space. You know how much I have on my plate right now.” He was angry and once again, she did not push him. She did not want to confront him or make him angry. If she did, he may never come back. It was not his fault. Tears started to fall down her face. Their warmth comforted her.
Michael walked into the hallway and put on his jacket, getting ready to leave.
“Michael, please don’t go,” she pleaded with him now.
“You know something, you are pathetic,” he snarled. “I don’t love you, I have never loved you.”
His words cut through her like a knife. Her self worth was so low that she would have done anything to make him stay, rather than be alone.
“Michael, I am sorry, I won’t push you any more, please don’t leave me.” She was sobbing. He must have taken pity on her as he said he was angry and would call her, but he had to go. She did not say any more. He had given her enough to hold on to.
It was the following morning that she received the final decree of her divorce from Ajay. She stared at the piece of paper declaring the end of her marriage which had arrived in the post. She had already dropped Gurmeet at school and this had taken all of her energy. She opened the curtains. It was now ten o clock and light outside, but all she could see was darkness. She closed the curtains again, wanting to shut the world out. Her heart was bleeding. There was a gut wrenching pain in her stomach.
The version of herself was the one which Michael and everyone else saw. She was unlovable, a failure. It was her fault that Amy had died. She had ceased to exist as a proper functioning person, everything inside, all the bits that made her, had crumbled into nothing.
She lay in the same position for what seemed like a couple of hours. The sound of the phone ringing pierced her ears. She did not answer it. It stopped and started ringing again. She turned around and reached for it, if only to stop the noise.
“Harp, it’s Baljeet, are you ok?”
Baljeet did not normally call her in the day. She sensed something was wrong.
“Harp, I am off work today, can I pop round?”
Harpreet did not want to see anyone.
“Bal, it’s not really a good time, you see…”
Baljeet interrupted her. “Ok, I’ll be honest. Dave called me last night. He told me what has been happening. Don’t be angry with him. He really cares about you, you know that, don’t you?”
Baljeet arrived at the flat an hour later. She was shocked at her sister’s appearance. She had visibly lost weight. There were dark circles under her eyes. She made her some food and sat with her to make sure she had eaten it. Then she held her in her arms while she cried.
Dave arrived in the evening once Baljeet had gone and Gurmeet was in bed.
“Harpreet, you have got to leave Michael. He is no good for you.”
“But, I can’t Dave, I love him and deep down I know he loves me too. He just can’t show it.”
“Ok then, separate from him for a while, you are still grieving for Amy and for the end of your marriage.”
“Dave, is it me? Has all this happened because of me, because I am a bad person? I feel worthless and unlovable.”
Dave looked upset. He did not speak for a while and seemed to be deep in thought.
“Harp, this may not be the right time for me to say this, but I cannot bear for you to say these things about yourself. It is hurting me too much. The reason Chloe left me was because she said I always put you first. She said that she could not compete with you and that I was in love with you. And I was, I mean, I am in love with you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember.”
He would not look at her now. He looked down to his clasped hands.
Harpreet was in shock, trying to process what he had said.
“But, you have never said anything, Dave.”
“I valued our friendship too much. I still do. You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. You needed to know. “
CHAPTER 18
Michael stood outside Sundown Terraces. This was his fourth visit to see his fa
ther. The sun was out today and felt warm against his skin. He sat outside on a small brick wall. His appointment was not for another twenty minutes. He had been thinking about what Jasmine had said to him when they went for the scan quite a lot over the past few days. Each time he had seen his father, he had deteriorated more. He wanted Paul and Lucy to meet him before it was too late.
Once inside the nursing home, he was stopped by one of the nurses as he walked along the corridor to his father’s room.
“Hello Mr Daniels. Could we have a chat before you go in to see your father.”
Michael looked puzzled.
“Yes, sure,” he replied.
“I am afraid your father did not have a good night. He is having trouble breathing. We are going to see how he is and then make a decision as to whether he should be transferred to hospital.”
Michael felt sick. He knew that it was inevitable, due to the state of his father’s health that he did not have long. But he was not ready for this so soon. He had only just found him. When he had finished speaking to the nurse, he proceeded along the corridor and went into his father’s room. He saw that his father was looking weaker than when he had seen him last. More colour had gone from his face. He looked up at Michael when he went nearer to the bed and tried to smile. A tear fell from the side of his eye on to the pillow. Michael held his hand until he fell asleep. The nurse called him when he was near to reaching home and told him that they had decided to transfer his father to the hospital in the morning.
Jasmine was lying on the bed. She was now heavily pregnant. He lay down next to her and placed his hand on her stomach.
“He has been kicking like mad today,” she smiled. He stroked her hair and she turned round to look at him.
“Are you ok? You don’t look it.” she said.
“Not quite Jasmine. There is something I need to tell you, and I am sorry that I did not tell you before. It’s been really hard for me. I did fall out with my parents. They did not emigrate like I told you. My mother passed away many years ago, even before I met you. But my father was in a nursing home when I found him. The thing is, is that he is seriously ill and does not have long left. He is going to be taken to hospital in the morning.”
Jasmine sat up, dumbfounded.
“How could you hold this inside Michael and not tell me? I thought you trusted me. I thought we were a family.”
“We are, it’s not about you. I could not talk about it.” His eyes filled with tears.
“What did you fall out about Michael, that was so bad that you have not seen him for all these years?”
“Oh, it was something and nothing, it’s not even important now. What is important is for me to spend as much time as I can with him and for our children to meet him.”
They called Paul that evening and asked him to come home. They also spoke to Lucy. They would take both of them to the hospital the following evening. Michael had taken a few days off work. Max Evans had been very understanding and said he could take as long as he needed.
The following morning, Michael called the hospital, found out which ward his father was in and made his way to the hospital. He walked along the hospital corridor. His legs felt heavy, and his heart even heavier. There was a an undertone of bleach in the air. The walls, painted in magnolia, were scraped in places. Cheap, benign prints of uplifting scenes hung on the walls. People walked past him, not making eye contact, deep in thought just as he was.
His father was in a bed at the far end of the ward. He dreaded seeing him, in case he had deteriorated even further. He was conscious and appeared to recognise Michael. But his breathing was now heavier. Michael held his left hand and his father squeezed his with as much strength as he could find in his ailing body.
*
Later that day, Jasmine and Paul accompanied him to the hospital. They decided not to take Lucy, as it would be too distressing for her. His father was now semi conscious and did not know that they were there. Paul took Jasmine home and Michael sat with his father for as long as the hospital allowed it. He received a call early the next day informing him that his father had died in the night.
Michael busied himself with preparations for the funeral. His father’s wishes were that he be buried in the cemetery next to Michael’s mother. Although it was June, it was raining heavily on the day his father was buried. The coffin gleamed in the early morning light that streamed in through the church windows. Michael laid flowers on the top that would be placed on his father’s gravestone. As the coffin was lowered into the ground, Michael sobbed in anguish. He was inconsolable. He cried for all the words he did not get to say and all the words he did not get to hear. His tears were not only for his father but for his mother who lay close by.
After the funeral, they went back to the house and had a few drinks. Michael did not speak for days after the funeral. All the pain of his childhood and beyond had left him exhausted. It was a week after the funeral that their son was born. They named him Christopher after his father.
CHAPTER 19
Harpreet sat in her office at Simmons and Jones, looking out of the window. The view was not anything to admire, only dark stone walls, and old tiled rooves, against the dullness of the sky. But she was not really looking at anything. She could not concentrate. This place did not feel the same since Michael had left. There was many a time that she had had the urge to pick up the phone and call him. But she did not know if he would answer.
Amanthi had gone too and she did not have a connection to anyone else. Besides, there were too many memories here. Occasionally, she would hear his name mentioned, either by Sylvie or one of the Partners, who had been in contact with 12 Gosforth Park. She heard that he had not been around much. She looked back at the screen now. She was in the middle of a job application. She had tried to focus on finding a new job.
All the days ran into each other. There was nothing remarkable about this Friday from any other. Baljeet and Dave had kept a close watch on her, Dave from a distance. He had telephoned but said he would not come round for a while to give her some space. He was there if she needed him. She thought about what he had said to her the last time she saw him. It did not make sense. She had had no idea.
Harpreet left the office at five. Gurmeet was to be collected by his father and would be back the following evening. She just wanted to go home and rest. As she prepared her food in the kitchen, she could hear the sound of the rain, hard against the window. It was after she had eaten and cleared away, that there was a knock at the door. She was not expecting anyone. She thought that maybe Baljeet was in the area and had decided to see if she was in.
She opened the door and was taken aback. It was Michael. She did not know how long he had been standing there. He was drenched. He looked dishevelled, not his usual immaculate, flawless self. She immediately felt pity for him.
“Michael!” she exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?” he asked.
She did not speak, just opened the door wider for him to come in.
They sat in silence for a while. She thought that maybe he looked like this because he had suffered without her.
“Harp, my father died. It tore me apart. It was awful, the funeral, everything. He was buried next to my mother. I did not tell you because I knew that I hurt you. I did not know if you would want to see me again.”
He looked so vulnerable and helpless. She sat next to him and held his hand. After everything he had done, she still loved him.
“I am so sorry, Michael. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have been there for you at the funeral. You didn’t need to go through all this alone.”
He turned to her and looked into her eyes. She melted.
“I didn’t think I deserved you Harp. I said some awful things to you. I’m so sorry. I made a mistake. I do love you.”
She put her finger on his lips.
“Shush, you don’t need to say any more. You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”
Mic
hael put his arm around her. She saw his eyes fill with tears and then roll down his face.
“Harp, I’m never going to see him again. Being at the funeral, reminded me of my mother’s funeral. The pain cut through me like a knife.”
He was weeping now. She did not know how to comfort him and just held him until he stopped.
They did not speak any more. She breathed in the familiar scent of his body as she held him close. He turned his face to her, tracing her lips and kissed her gently at first and then with an increased passion. His eyes were intense, filled with desire for her.
“I want you,” he whispered in her ear. “I have missed you so much.”
He lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom, laying her on the bed while he undressed. They made love in the darkness, each hungry for the other. Afterwards, they lay together, embracing. She had missed the passion, the intensity of their lovemaking. This always made up for the loneliness and emptiness when he was gone.
He looked into her eyes, smiling.
“Are you happy to be back?” she asked, stroking his arm affectionately.
“Of course” he replied. He did not get up to leave and she did not ask him if he was staying. She felt secure for once. He had come back because he loved her.
“Can I get you some water to drink?” he asked as he got up. “I am going to get some.”
She nodded. As he moved past the bedside table, he knocked against it and his wallet which he had placed there, fell to the ground. He picked it up and said he would put it in his coat pocket so that he did not forget it in the morning.
He did not hurry to leave in the morning. They had breakfast together and he told her about how work had been. He promised that he would try harder and would never hurt her again. She smiled as she closed the door behind him. He had said that he would come and see her in the week or she could go to Chambers to meet him for lunch.
Gurmeet would be back in the evening. She busied herself, cleaning the flat and preparing food for them to eat. She only had her own bedroom left to clean before she was done. She hoovered the room, around the bed and then moved the vacumn to hoover under the bed, when she stopped. There was something lying on the floor near the bed on the side where Michael had slept. It must have fallen out of his wallet.