Paradise Syndrome

by Louise Hall

  When they stopped in the driveway, Cate unfastened her seatbelt – her hands were still shaking with residual panic – and turned around so that she was facing her son in the backseat. “We need to talk about what happened today, buddy.”

  “Fun,” Mateo giggled, kicking his little legs. He still had a smear of dirt on his cheek.

  “I know…” Cate gulped. “I know you had lots of fun playing with the boat in the back yard but… Mummy was really scared because she didn’t know where you were. You can’t just wander off like that, OK?”

  “Angel?” Kian was fraught with worry when he called her back six hours later. “I’ve only just got your message. I’m on my way to the airport right now. What happened?”

  “It’s OK,” Cate let out a shaky breath. “We found him.” She was sat cross-legged in the hallway outside Lola’s bedroom and Mateo was sat on the carpet in front of her playing with his collection of toy boats. She couldn’t let him out of her sight just yet.

  “Fuck!” Kian grunted. Cate could hear his relief. “I’m so fucking sorry, angel. We were filming on location and there was no cell-phone service out there.”

  “It’s OK. The most important thing is that we found him and he’s perfectly fine. He was playing with a toy boat in the back yard of the shelter…”

  “The shelter?” Kian interrupted. “You took our son to a fucking homeless shelter?”

  Cate was taken aback by his anger, “what was I supposed to do? You weren’t here, Kian and I’d made a commitment to the other WAGS.”

  “So you did this to punish me?”

  “No,” Cate was horrified, “of course not. I would never put our children at risk, you know that. It’s a family shelter so there were lots of other children there. When she saw that I’d brought Mateo with me, Wanda, one of the managers at the shelter, suggested that I put him in the play area. I really thought he’d be OK because it had locked metal gates and I was at the station closest to the play area so I could keep an eye on him. The last time I checked on him, he was happily playing cars with another little boy.”

  “I’m done,” Lola scowled, folding her arms across her chest. “Can I have my iPad back now?”

  Cate raised her eyebrows, “I didn’t hear the word please anywhere in there, Lola.”

  She was extremely grateful that Lola had just interrupted them. She was frighteningly angry with Kian for accusing her of putting their son in danger just so that she could score points against him.

  She handed the phone to Mateo, “do you want to say goodnight to Dada, buddy?”

  As Mateo chattered happily to Kian, Cate followed Lola into the bedroom. There were no clothes or shoes on the carpet but she was still suspicious. “I think you’ve done a really good job, sweetheart. I’m just going to check a couple of things.” Cate glanced under the bed but there was nothing stashed there. “… and then you can have your iPad back.” As she slid open the wardrobe doors, all of the clothes and shoes which had been piled up on the carpet came tumbling out.

  “Lola,” Cate winced as a football boot smacked against her calf. “I want all of this put away properly or I’m going to hold onto your iPad for two weeks.”

  “Ugh,” Lola cried with frustration, “why are you being so mean?”

  When Mateo handed Cate her phone back, Kian was still on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry, angel. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “I’ll see you when you get home,” Cate said coldly. “Have a safe flight.”

  CHAPTER 11

  “Ow,” Cate winced. She’d been cleansing her face when the pad of her index finger had accidentally brushed against the throbbing bruise on her jawline. The dark-purple, almost black mark stood out against her pale skin. She’d covered it up with make-up when she’d gone to the shelter the previous day so she wouldn’t be the subject of the WAGs latest gossip but this morning it looked so angry that she couldn’t bear even the thought of touching it with her foundation sponge.

  Kian must have got home after she’d gone to sleep the previous night because although his side of the bed was empty, his small suitcase was stood in front of the wardrobe doors.

  “Fan-freaking-tastic,” Cate scowled. She really thought that she’d done all the laundry for the week after she’d got back from the shelter yesterday afternoon but no doubt there would be something in Kian’s suitcase which needed washing and ironing.

  It was Sunday and she didn’t feel like dressing up so she tied her inky-black hair up in a messy topknot and put on her favourite pair of black leggings and one of Kian’s white shirts that she’d appropriated.

  As she padded down the stairs, she realised that Kian and the children were already up.

  “That’s amazing,” Kian smiled, “I’m so proud of you, Lo.”

  The scene of domesticity in her kitchen wouldn’t have looked out of place in one of the celebrity magazines back home in England. Mateo, showing no signs of the little monster who’d clocked Cate in the jaw the previous day, was sat in his highchair happily munching on a banana. Kian was stood at the marble counter, spreading strawberry jam on a couple of slices of whole-wheat toast for Lola’s breakfast. He looked effortlessly sexy in a pair of faded Levi’s and a simple black t-shirt.

  Lola was bouncing up and down with excitement. She’d found out at soccer camp the previous day that the coaches had decided that she was too talented to play with her own age group anymore and so they wanted to move her up to the next group.

  “Yeah,” Lola glared at Cate, “I haven’t had chance to tell Noah yet but I’m sure he’ll be like, super jealous.”

  Cate rolled her eyes. Of course she was public enemy number one because she’d had the audacity to take away Lola’s precious iPad after she’d been incredibly disrespectful to Cate in the argument which had ensued after she’d insisted that Lola put her clothes and shoes away properly instead of just stuffing them in the bottom of her wardrobe.

  “Are you looking forward to going to the ball pool today, buddy?” Kian asked Mateo.

  Struggling to remain calm, Cate gently placed her hand on Kian’s forearm. “Can I have a word with you,” her voice was clipped, “outside?”

  “Sure,” Kian shrugged, “Lo, can you watch your brother for a couple of minutes?”

  Cate walked across the back porch until she was certain that they were out of sight of the kitchen. She didn’t want Lola and Mateo to see them arguing. “I cannot believe that you would disrespect me like that,” Cate hissed, “I told you yesterday that Mateo wasn’t allowed to go to the ball pool for two weeks.”

  “Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little bit?” Kian sighed. “He’s just a toddler; he’s going to have tantrums sometimes.”

  “No, actually I don’t,” Cate snapped. “Do you even see this?” she gestured to the painful bruise which marked her jawline. “We’re lucky that it was just a bruise this time. He could have really hurt himself or me. He needs to learn that he can’t behave like that.”

  “Fine,” Kian gritted his teeth. “But can’t he start his punishment tomorrow? After everything that happened yesterday…”

  Yeah, Cate thought bitterly, everything that you weren’t there for.

  “Fuck,” Kian dragged his fingers through his black hair. “It’s my one day off for the next couple of weeks and I want to take my son to the ball pool. Is that really so bad?”

  “Yes,” Cate gripped the wooden post, “because I told him yesterday that he wasn’t allowed to go to the ball pool for two weeks.”

  “As my husband, you’re supposed to back me up on these things. Because you’re away so much, it’s even more important that we’re a team. I’m the one that’s here every day. I’m the one who has to discipline them. The next time that Lola doesn’t want to do her chores or Mateo throws a tantrum and hits me, when I try to punish them, they’re going to go running straight to you, hoping that just like today, you’ll ride roughshod over my decisions.”

  “I know it’s your da
y off and you want to do something fun with your son but… Do you know how much easier it would have been if I’d just tidied up all the clothes and shoes Lola had dumped on the floor yesterday while she was at camp? I could have had a nice, relaxing evening instead of spending most of it sat on the floor outside Lola’s bedroom while she ranted and raved that it was so unfair. But she wouldn’t have learned anything from me doing that. I don’t enjoy playing the drill sergeant all the time but I do it because I’m their mum.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t think…I’ll tell Mats he can’t go.”

  Cate shook her head sadly. “You’ve put me in a position where I just can’t win. If you go back in there and tell Mats that he can’t go to the ball pool today, they’ll know that you’re only saying that because of me. Lola isn’t talking to me right now because I took her iPad away so I’ll be stuck with two bored, resentful children who think I’m just the worst mum ever because I snatched away the carrot that you’d dangled in front of them.”

  “Whereas if you go against what I said yesterday and take Mats to the ball pool anyway, I’ll finally have some time to myself but you’ll have completely undermined my authority which means that the next time I ask them to do something that they really don’t want to do, it will be that much more difficult. Either way, you’ll look like the world’s best dad.”

  “Angel,” Kian reached out to touch her but she sidestepped away from him. She looked so fragile, her slender frame swamped by his white shirt.

  “Just go,” Cate didn’t have any fight left in her. “Do whatever you want. I don’t care anymore.”

  “Did you guys have fun today?” Kian asked Lola and Mateo as they pulled into the driveway later that afternoon. He’d taken them across to Gas Works Park.

  “Yay!” Mateo giggled from the back seat, kicking his little legs.

  “What about you, Lo?”

  Lola nodded. “Today was really fun but I didn’t like it when you weren’t with us, Dad. I missed you too much and it made Mum really grumpy.”

  “I missed you guys too, I promise,” Kian gave her a hug and patted Mateo’s socked foot.

  Before they got out of the car, Kian asked Lola, “do you remember what we talked about, sweetheart?” Cate was right, because of the demands of his job, he did get to swoop in and do all the fun things while she was stuck doing all the not so fun but very important things like making sure the children didn’t get scurvy or turn into out of control, little hellions.

  She’d looked so exhausted this morning that he’d decided to take Lola and Mats out for the day so that she could have some much needed time to herself. Mindful of what she’d said, he’d tried to make sure that Lola and Mats both knew that just because he was taking them out, it didn’t mean that he was going against what Cate had said. Lola still didn’t have her iPad, it was definitely Cate’s decision if and when she got that back and he didn’t take Mateo to the ball pool.

  “I don’t get why it matters so much if my clothes and shoes are put away neatly or shoved in the bottom of my wardrobe, they’re still away, aren’t they?”

  “It matters because if your clothes are stuffed in the bottom of your wardrobe, they’ll get all wrinkled and you won’t be able to find them easily. You’re lucky that your mum and I can afford to buy you and your brother nice things. There’s a lot of children out there who aren’t so lucky – like that boy you were telling me about down by the waterfront, asking people to throw coins at him – and so it’s important that you treat the things you’ve got with respect. But the main reason why it matters so much is because Mum told you to put them away properly, Lo and you didn’t do it. You need to do what Mum says.”

  “I guess.”

  “What’s the first thing you’re going to do when we get inside the house?”

  “I’m going to find Mum and say sorry.”

  “For…?”

  “For not putting my clothes away when she asked me to.”

  “And…”

  “And for calling her horrible names.”

  When Kian unlocked the front door, at first he thought that Cate must have gone out because the house was so dark and quiet. He walked into the kitchen and the dishes were still in the sink and the banana Mateo had discarded partway through breakfast that morning was still mashed up on the tray table of his highchair. His wife was such a neat freak that he couldn’t imagine how she could have left the kitchen like that. OK, it was Kian and the children who’d made all the mess and he was more than happy to clean it up but it wasn’t like Cate to just ignore it.

  He could hear the faint creak of the swing on the back porch and stepped outside. Cate was sat there, with her knees pulled up to her chest, looking out at Puget Sound. She was so still it was eerie. He sat down on the other end of the swing and wrapped his hand around her bare ankle. She was dressed exactly the same as she’d been when he’d left her all those hours ago. Her feet were always cold but it felt like her veins had been filled with ice, he almost couldn’t bear to touch her skin.

  “Hi Mum,” Lola said shyly. She lingered on the threshold between the kitchen and the back porch.

  Cate turned to face her daughter and Kian was shocked by the bleakness he saw in his wife’s dark eyes before she quickly recovered her composure. “Hi sweetheart. Did you and Mats have fun today?”

  Cate shrugged her ankle out of Kian’s grasp and he got up so that Lola could sit down next to Cate. “I’m really sorry for not putting my clothes away like you asked me to yesterday and for calling you horrible names, Mum.”

  “Thank you,” Cate gave her daughter a hug. Watching Cate and Lola together, it was like watching his wife come back to life from the ghost who’d been sat there when he’d first walked out on to the back porch. “That really means a lot to me, Lo.”

  “Are you OK, Mum?” Lola pulled back. “You’re really cold.”

  “I’m fine,” Cate struggled to get up off the swing and rubbed her lower back. “I’d better make a start on tea. What would you like?”

  “Um,” Lola looked at Kian, “we’ve already had tea. Dad took us to the Taco Shack on our way home.”

  “Oh,” Cate’s smile dropped for a moment, “well that’s good. I wasn’t that hungry anyway. I’m actually feeling a bit tired. Will you be OK with Dad doing yours and your brother’s bedtime routines tonight?”

  “Yay,” Lola turned to Kian, “Dad, will you tell me what it was like when you made your debut for England again?”

  CHAPTER 12

  “Shoot,” Cate smacked the palm of her hand against the leather steering wheel. She was driving Kian’s car, although “car” didn’t really seem an appropriate word to describe the monstrosity she was currently trying to manoeuvre safely through the rain-slicked streets of Seattle. Mateo was strapped into his car seat in the back, still playing with his favourite toy ferry boat.

  Cate was trying to fit her chores in before it was time to pick Lola up from camp. Usually she shared taxi duties with Layla but it was Luke’s grandmother’s seventieth birthday that day and so Eric had given Layla the day off. They were having a big family dinner at his grandmother’s house over in Tacoma so Eric had arranged to pick Luke up from camp a little early that afternoon.

  She saw the sign for the doctor’s office and swung the Tank into the car park. It juddered to a halt just millimetres from the kerb and Cate breathed a sigh of relief that she’d got there without causing an accident. She still had to get home again but she’d worry about that later. She got out of the car and unstrapped Mateo from his car seat. He was determined that he didn’t want to go in the pushchair, he wanted to walk everywhere. This meant that Cate had to follow behind with the empty pushchair like his handmaiden.

  After they’d taken her full medical history, Dr Lucas asked her to hop up on to the table so that they could do a scan. “Is that really necessary?” Cate asked. She’d had a scan back home in England and everything had seemed OK.

  “It will just take a few minutes,” Dr L
ucas nodded. As expected, Mateo was worn out from trying to walk everywhere and had fallen asleep in his pushchair.

  Cate lay back on the table and lifted up her t-shirt. She flinched a little as Dr Lucas rubbed the cool gel over her skin.

  As Dr Lucas set up the machine, Cate couldn’t help looking at the empty chair next to the table. That was probably where the expectant fathers (or mothers) sat, eager to catch the first glimpse of their unborn child. With this pregnancy, far more than the other two, Cate felt like she was doing it all on her own. Kian was in L.A. again.

  “Oh!”

  Dr Lucas had a deep v etched on her forehead. She brought the probe closer to her ear, “why can’t I hear anything?”

  Cate wanted to slap her – you definitely weren’t supposed to say things like that to a pregnant woman already sloshing with raging hormones. “Um, Dr Lucas?”

  Dr Lucas looked up, almost surprised that Cate wasn’t just one of the cadavers they must have practiced on in medical school.

  She dragged the probe against Cate’s skin, harder this time, as if she was trying to force a reaction. When she looked up again, her emerald-green eyes looked a little glassy. “I can’t find a heartbeat.”

  Cate felt her stomach plummet to the floor, “what?”

  Dr Lucas dropped the probe and it landed with a crash on the floor. Mateo woke up startled. “Mama!”

  Cate quickly wiped the gel off her stomach and pulled her t-shirt down. “It’s OK,” she said softly, trying to calm her son. She steadfastly ignored her own torrent of emotions.

  Dr Lucas checked her watch, “Dr Swift will be back soon. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.” Dr Swift was the senior doctor in the practice.

  “Nothing to worry about?” Cate could hardly believe what she was hearing. “You’ve just told me that you can’t find a heartbeat for my unborn child and now you’re telling me that there’s nothing to worry about?”