Paradise Syndrome

by Louise Hall

  “How did it go?” Nate asked when he came back from dropping Lola off at school.

  Cate was sat at the kitchen counter, mindlessly spinning her phone around.

  “Dr Eva Chen,” she answered without looking up. “She’s got a practice near the market.”

  “OK,” Nate opened the fridge and retrieved two bottles of water. He popped the cap off one of them and handed it to Cate. “Have you tried calling her yet?”

  Cate nodded, “she’s got a cancellation at 10.30 tomorrow.”

  “That’s a huge step,” Nate gave her a hug. “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”

  “Boat!” Mateo yelped, trying desperately to escape the confines of his highchair. The banana he’d been happily munching on a few moments before now lay discarded on the small, plastic tray. When Cate looked up to see what he was getting so excited about, she saw one of his favourite green and white ferry boats sailing across the Sound.

  Cate lifted him up out of his highchair and carried him outside to the back porch.

  Unlike the previous night, when it had lured her in with the promise of black nothingness, the Sound was awash with life and vibrant colour that morning. Seagulls dipped and danced above the rippling, navy-blue waters; the green and white paint on the ferry boat looked rich and glossy in the morning sunshine.

  Mateo giggled as the captain of the ferry boat gave five short blasts of the horn to warn a group of kayakers who’d drifted too close.

  Cate looked up at Nate, who was leaning on the doorframe. “It’s scary,” she admitted, thinking about her appointment with Dr Chen the following day, “but I’ve got to do it.”

  She owed it to her children to make sure that she never felt as bleak as that ever again.

  “I’ve got an idea,” Nate’s pale-blue eyes sparkled with excitement. He scooped Mateo up from Cate’s lap and settled him on his hip. “Do you want to see something really cool, buddy?” Mateo nodded vigorously.

  Nate reached for Cate’s wrists and tugged her up to standing. “I can’t,” Cate protested. She needed to think about what she was going to say to Dr Chen tomorrow.

  Nate shook his head, “if I let you stay here, you’re just going to tie yourself up in knots thinking about your appointment.”

  They boarded the ferry for downtown Seattle and Nate led them upstairs to the outside deck. “I don’t know if I can do this,” Cate paused on the threshold. It reminded her too much of the aftermath of Trent and Lena’s engagement party.

  She was awash with the same feelings which had lured her to the very edge of the dock the previous night. She shivered, the skin underneath her clothes felt blistered from the burning humiliation that she’d caused such a scene in front of Kian’s team-mates.

  “I’m sorry,” she quickly turned around. Hot, angry tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She desperately didn’t want to feel like this anymore. Her chest felt as if it was being slowly crushed by feelings of such utter worthlessness. After everything Nate had done for her…

  She looked at her son, who was holding Nate’s hand. Mateo looked up, quietly studying her with those big, black eyes. She didn’t want him to see her like this, didn’t want to pollute his innocence with this toxic blackness. Just what kind of a mother was she? She couldn’t even give her son a fun ride on one of his favourite ferry boats.

  “Five minutes, OK?” Nate bargained, wrapping his fingers around her wrist.

  Cate acquiesced, letting him lead her outside on to the deck. He guided her across to the white railings. “Close your eyes,” Nate instructed, “and just breathe.”

  Cate gripped on to the railing, focusing on the chill of the metal against her bare hands.

  As the ferry steadily traversed the waters of the Sound, Cate obediently closed her eyes. The winds were so strong; they stripped the tears from her chapped cheeks and dried out her lips as her lungs, now freed from the constraints of her panic attack, worked overtime to suck in as much oxygen as they could. The air was so fresh; it felt as though it was purifying her from the inside out.

  As the winds buffeted her slender frame, she couldn’t feel the burning humiliation coating her anymore, just the layers of fleece and denim clinging fiercely to her skin.

  It was so loud that she couldn’t think. Seagulls cawed above her while the choppy waves crashed loudly against the side of the boat and the wind… the biting-cold wind slammed into her ears, making them sting.

  She kept a firm grip of the railing, needing all of her concentration just to stay upright. She didn’t feel worthless up here; every second she remained standing felt like a victory.

  Nate placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, “you can open your eyes now.”

  “Has it been five minutes already?” Cate asked, rubbing her sore ears.

  Nate laughed, “we’re docking, sweetheart.”

  When Cate blinked open her eyes; she couldn’t believe that they were already at downtown Seattle and the first cars were driving down the ramp below them. “That was…” Cate couldn’t put into words what a precious gift that had been. For the duration of the ferry boat ride, she’d had a glimpse of what it would be like to feel normal again. She wanted it so very badly. “Thank you.”

  As they disembarked, Cate linked her arm through Nate’s, “that was definitely cool.”

  “Oh, that wasn’t what I was talking about,” Nate smirked, “that was just an added bonus.”

  Before they reached Pike Place Market, Nate led them underneath a red, neon sign which said “Post Alley.”

  At first when they stopped in front of a corridor of brightly-decorated walls, Cate wasn’t quite sure what she was looking at. It was obviously a tourist attraction because there were lots of groups of people milling about, taking selfies in front of the walls. She took a step closer and studied the trails of rainbow-coloured goo which dripped down from one of the stone window ledges. “Oh my goodness,” Cate giggled. “Is that…?”

  “Yeah,” Nate’s pale-blue eyes sparkled with amusement. “It’s the Gum Wall.”

  Cate wasn’t sure which she was most shocked about; that she was stood in front of a corridor of walls which were covered from top to bottom with used chewing gum or that she’d actually just giggled. It had bubbled up her throat so unexpectedly.

  Nate handed her a pack of chewing gum, “do you want to have a go?”

  Cate watched as a couple of people nearby attached their used gum to the wall. “Yes,” she took a strip of cinnamon-flavoured gum from the packet and popped it on her tongue.

  “I love how they’ve taken something which could have been really ugly and made it into something beautiful instead,” Nate remarked, chewing his own strip of gum.

  Cate looked around. Illuminated by the late September sun, the fat blobs and stringy trails of gum looked so bright and vibrant. Without the delightful eccentricity of the Gum Wall, this alleyway would have just been anonymous.

  “Where do you want to put yours?” Nate asked after they’d chewed every last trace of flavour from their gum. “I think I’m going to put mine here.”

  “I don’t know,” Cate lifted Mateo up on to her hip, “where do you think, buddy?”

  “There,” Mateo pointed at a particular spot, at the side of one of the window ledges.

  “OK,” Cate removed the pale-pink blob of gum from her mouth and handed it to Mateo. She leaned forward so that he could press it firmly against the wall.

  “Smile,” Nate whipped out his phone and snapped a couple of photos of Cate and Mateo.

  “Thank you so much for today,” Cate said as they walked through the market towards the waterfront. “I don’t know what I did to deserve such a good friend.”

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart,” Nate gave her a hug. “It’s good to see you smile again.”

  “Cate?” she winced as she recognised Nevaeh’s voice. “Where have you been? We’ve missed you at the last few games.”

  “I’ve, um…” Cate shifted uncomfortably. What was she suppos
ed to say? I’ve been so desperately unhappy that I thought about drowning myself in Puget Sound?

  Sensing her discomfort, Nate quickly looked down at his watch. “Sweetheart, we’re going to be late.”

  “Yes,” Cate almost sagged with relief, “of course. I’m so sorry. It was lovely seeing you again, Nevaeh but I’ve really got to go.”

  When they got to the ferry terminal, the next boat wasn’t due for another thirty minutes. “It’s a good job Nevaeh would rather swim naked across Puget Sound than suffer the indignities of public transport or we’d be so busted,” Cate gasped. She sagged into one of the plastic bucket seats, still a little out of breath from almost running along Alaskan Way.

  CHAPTER 18

  Kian paced back and forth across the kitchen floor. After training, he’d come home to an empty house again. It was getting to the point where he’d be more surprised if he came home and Cate was there, if he was being brutally honest. She’d texted him – their preferred method of communication these days - that she and Nate had taken Mateo out for the afternoon. Lola was having a play-date with Jessica, one of her new friends from school.

  He was still pissed off after his conversation with Devon, one of his team-mates, in the locker room that lunchtime.

  “Hey man,” Devon nodded at him. Kian had just stepped out of the shower; he grabbed a towel and knotted it around his narrow hips.

  “What’s up?” Kian tried hard not to wince as he reached up and tied his damp hair away from his face. Steve had put them through a punishing workout that morning. But it wasn’t just that; his muscles were also pulled tight with sexual frustration. He was a typical red-blooded male who liked sex. Cate was acting so distant lately, apart from that one dance at Trent and Lena’s engagement party; she flinched if he came even within a couple of feet from her. To stop his balls from completely falling off, he’d jerked off a couple of times in the shower but his hand was nowhere near as satisfying as burying himself inside his wife’s warm, pliant body.

  “How’s things?” Devon asked. “Cate all right? Nevaeh said she’s missed the last couple of home games.”

  “She’s good,” Kian lied. “She’s eight months pregnant now so she gets tired a lot, you know?”

  “I’m going to be straight with you,” Devon dropped his voice low so he couldn’t be overheard by the rest of their team-mates. He retrieved his phone from the top shelf of his locker. “If it was me, I’d want to know. Nevaeh saw them down by the market.”

  Kian gritted his teeth as he looked at the slightly blurry photo of Nate with his arms wrapped around Cate. What really fucking stabbed him in the chest was that she was looking up at Nate and smiling. “He’s our nanny.”

  Devon looked shocked, “you got a male fucking nanny – are you insane?”

  Kian shrugged, “Lola and Mats really like him.”

  “Oh yeah?” Devon raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure they’re not the only ones?”

  When Kian snarled, Devon held his hands up, “don’t shoot the messenger, OK? All I’m saying is that if another man put his hands on Nevaeh like that, I would break each and every one of his goddamn fingers.”

  Kian heard his wife’s laughter even before the front door swung open. It was such a long time since he’d heard her laugh so freely that for a second, it made him happy.

  “Dada!” Mateo giggled. His big, black eyes sparkled with mischief. He blew the yellow duck whistle hanging around his neck. “Duck!”

  “Ouch!” Cate laughed, quickly covering her ears. “I told you buying him that whistle was a big mistake.”

  “Come on,” Nate laughed, ruffling Mateo’s hair. “He loves it.”

  Kian could barely contain his anger. Nate was gradually taking Kian’s place inside the family. He wasn’t Cate’s husband or Mateo’s dad; he was the goddamn nanny, that’s all.

  “Can I have a word with you?” Kian said sharply. He hated how the smile immediately dropped from his wife’s face. “In private.”

  “Okay, Mr Grumpy Pants,” Nate teased. “I’ll take this little fella upstairs for his nap.”

  As he passed by Cate, he patted her on the shoulder and Kian seriously considered Devon’s suggestion that he break each and every one of Nate’s fingers.

  “I’ll try and lose the whistle,” Nate winked at Cate.

  As soon as they’d gone upstairs, Kian thumped his fists down hard on the kitchen counter, making Cate jump.

  “What the fuck was that?”

  “We took Mateo on the Duck Tour,” Cate shrugged. “It was fun.” She didn’t tell Kian that the real reason they’d gone across to downtown Seattle was that she’d had an appointment with Dr Chen.

  “We were going to do that together, as a family,” Kian fumed.

  “We can still do that. Lola hasn’t done it yet.”

  Kian reached for Cate, gripping her nape. His fingers tangled up in her inky-black hair. “Mine,” he grunted before slanting his lips over hers, not giving her chance to respond. With unrelenting pressure, Kian teased her lips apart and licked into her mouth. Cate clung to his shoulders; it felt like she was drowning. She could feel the anger bristling off his body. He slid his other hand down her spine and cupped her bottom, lifting her up and against him until she could feel his erection stiffening against her belly.

  When he released her lips for a second, she had to fight to catch her breath. “Kian,” Cate pushed at his chest, needing physical space between them so that she could clear the fog his erotic kisses had created. He was unmovable, keeping her pinned between the counter and his tensile strength. “You can’t…” Cate couldn’t look at him; it was like coming face to face with a dangerous predator. A strand of black hair had fallen loose from his ponytail. The muscle in his jaw ticked.

  “You’re coming upstairs with me,” Kian demanded, reaching for her wrists.

  Cate looked at the clock above the oven, “Lola will be home soon.”

  Kian frowned darkly, “that’s what we pay Nate for.”

  As the door clicked shut behind them, Cate felt as if all of the air had been sucked out of the bedroom.

  “We can’t solve whatever this is with sex,” she protested as Kian stalked towards her.

  Kian pressed a hand against the small of her back, “you’re mine, Cate.”

  Cate shoved him backwards, trying not to respond to the feel of his strong, flexing muscles through the thin cotton of his t-shirt. “I know.”

  “I want you to fire Nate,” Kian demanded.

  “I won’t do that,” Cate shook her head, strands of hair falling loose from her plait. “Lola and Mateo adore him.”

  “What about you?” Kian fired back. “Do you adore him too?”

  Cate was affronted. “He isn’t, never has been and never will be anything but a good friend to me. When you’re not being such a primitive, beat-your-chest, caveman, you know that.”

  Kian cocked an eyebrow, “I thought you liked that side of me?”

  Cate felt arousal throb through her veins, “ugh, you’re incorrigible.”

  “I want you,” Kian pressed his mouth to the juncture between her neck and shoulder. The blood fizzed to the surface. Kian licked at her skin until Cate was almost ready to beg. She shifted restlessly, her nipples pushed unashamedly at the front of her dress, eager for attention and liquid heat pooled between her legs. Kian gently stroked her hips.

  “Stop.”

  “Is that really what you want?” Kian teased, blowing across her damp skin.

  “Yes,” Cate tried to be strong. She was still angry that he’d almost accused her of cheating on him with Nate.

  Kian sucked her skin between his lips, lavishing it with his tongue. When he released her, her skin was marked with a perfect, dark-pink love-bite. Cate stumbled a little, feeling dizzy. Her skin felt like it had been scorched, she pressed a hand to the small mark; it felt hot, wet and sore. “You don’t need to mark me.”

  Kian looked at the mark, “it’s beautiful.”

 
He gestured to the bed, “on your hands and knees.”

  Cate frowned, “I’m not having sex with you.”

  Kian stepped closer; he reached up and cupped her full, aching breast, brushing his thumb over her taut nipple. “No?”

  Cate looked him in the eye, “No.”

  Kian dropped his hand, “OK.”

  He walked towards the bathroom. “What are you doing?” Cate asked.

  “I’m respecting your wishes,” Kian said casually over his shoulder as he pulled his t-shirt up and over his head. “Since I’m not going to make love to you, I need a cold shower.”

  “That’s it?” Cate felt all kinds of mixed up. “You’re just going to give up?”

  Kian folded his arms across his drool-worthy chest. “It’s your choice, angel. Either get up on that bed on your hands and knees or I’m going to take a long, cold shower alone.”

  “You’re an ass,” Cate cursed, climbing up on to the bed. As she positioned herself on her hands and knees, Kian stood with his arms still folded across his chest and watched. Her plait hung loosely over her shoulder, the tip brushing against the crisp, cotton sheets. Kian came closer; she could almost taste his distinctive scent. She almost jumped as he placed his hand firmly on the back of her neck, “head down.”

  Kian trailed his hand lazily down her spine, over her bottom and down the back of her trembling thighs to the hem of her skirt. He lifted it up slowly, letting Cate feel the cool air on her skin inch by torturous inch. The panties she was wearing were white cotton with little yellow flowers embroidered on them. He bunched her dress up around her waist and gently stroked her buttocks over the thin cotton. Cate was so wound up; she felt that if he touched her any more intimately, she was likely to combust. Kian reached down and undid the zip on his jeans, he’d gone commando so his cock sprung free. He rubbed his hand up and down the thick girth. Cate shifted impatiently.

  Kian wrapped his fingers around the waistband of her panties and peeled them down her thighs until they bunched around her bent knees. He traced a line between her buttocks and further down until his fingers were up against her pulsing, wet core. Cate whimpered a little as he slid a finger inside her tight canal, her swollen tissues gripping him. When his calloused thumb lightly brushed her clit, Cate fell forward, her arms collapsing beneath her.