Paradise Syndrome

by Louise Hall

  “We need to hang up some lights on the back porch,” Layla said. “I’ll show you.”

  “Is there anybody else that we should have invited?” Abby asked Cate. “Does Nathaniel have any special friends here in Seattle?” By special, Cate assumed that Abby meant romantically.

  “Um…” After what they’d shared that morning, Cate didn’t want to lie to Abby but it wasn’t her secret to tell. It was Nate’s decision if and when he officially came out to his mom.

  “Don’t look so worried,” Abby smiled, “I know my son is gay, Cate.”

  “You do?” Cate had expected Abby to continue skirting around the subject.

  “He’s never actually told me,” Abby said, “but he’s my son. A mother knows these things.”

  “Are you OK with that?” Cate asked. She hoped that if any of her children were gay that they would feel comfortable talking about it with her and Kian.

  Abby shrugged her shoulders, “it’s who he is.”

  “But his dad…” Cate quickly apologised; she really didn’t want to pry.

  “Sarge just wants the best for Layla and Nathaniel,” Abby quietly closed the kitchen door so that they couldn’t be overheard. “The reason that they haven’t spoken since that kickboxing tournament in Tampa isn’t because Nathaniel’s gay.”

  “But Layla said…”

  “If Layla knew the truth, it would put her in a very uncomfortable position,” Abby explained. “Sarge wasn’t angry with Nathaniel because he caught him talking to a man. We’ve both known since he was a teenager that he was gay, we just hoped that one day he would feel comfortable enough to tell us himself. It was because he was talking to a married man. Sarge has very traditional values; he believes in the sanctity of marriage, of family.”

  Cate had a sinking feeling, “it was Eric, wasn’t it?”

  Abby nodded. “Sarge insisted that Nathaniel break off all contact with Eric but he refused.”

  “So instead of telling her the truth, you let Layla believe that her dad kicked Nate out of the house because he was gay? She hates him so much.”

  “I know,” Abby said sadly.

  CHAPTER 25

  “I’m not feeling too good, I’m going to go home,” Cate touched Nate’s arm about an hour into the party.

  “Give me a second, I’ll walk with you.”

  “It’s only next door,” Cate protested, “I’ll be fine. It’s your party. You should stay.”

  Nate shrugged, “I don’t mind.”

  As they walked across the grass between the two houses, there was a loud boom of thunder and almost instantaneously, it started raining as though whoever was up there had turned all of the taps on full.

  “Where are you going?” Layla called, tottering after them in her heels.

  “Cate’s not feeling good,” Nate had to shout to be heard above the lashing rain.

  “I’ll come with you,” Layla hurried to catch up with them.

  When they got inside the house, Cate was shivering. “Thanks for walking me home, Nate but you don’t need to stay. You two should go back to the party…”

  Cate felt another twinge and watched in horror as water gushed between her legs, splashing both Nate’s and Layla’s shoes.

  “What the…?” Layla jumped back.

  “No!” Cate yelped. “Why does this always happen?”

  She cradled her heavy bump, “Daddy’s due home tomorrow. You couldn’t wait until then?”

  “Cate?” Nate raised his eyebrows. “What’s going on?”

  Fortunately, Layla was more clued up. “Duh, Nate, she’s in labour. Her water just broke.”

  “What?” Nate looked panicked. “But you’re not due for another two weeks.”

  Cate chuckled, “my babies have never been very good at sticking to timetables.”

  Layla went next door to ask Abby to look after Lola and Mateo. Nate and Cate had just got to the front door when Layla came back with Eric.

  “Bad news,” Layla announced, pushing her dripping wet hair out of her eyes.

  “You’re not supposed to say things like that to a woman in labour,” Cate joked. She saw the serious look on Layla’s face and gulped. “What is it?”

  “A tree has fallen down on Defence Drive,” Layla explained. “The road is completely blocked.”

  “OK,” Cate paced back and forth.

  “It’s going to be OK, Cate,” Eric said gruffly.

  “I know,” Cate swallowed, “It can’t take that long to move a tree, can it?”

  Nate put a hand on Cate’s shoulder, “sweetie, I think what he’s trying to say is that you’re going to have your baby right here.”

  “No,” Cate panicked. “I can’t have my baby here. I need to go to the hospital.”

  “The road is completely blocked, Cate. We’re getting the outer edges of super-storm Sierra.”

  Eric stepped forward, “I know it’s scary, Cate but I’m an OB-GYN at Seattle Central, I can deliver your baby.”

  Cate allowed Eric to lead her back into the warmth of the lounge. As he examined her, he asked questions about her previous two births.

  “OK,” Eric said, taking charge. “Nate, can you get me some towels?”

  Eric turned back to Cate. “Can you take off your skirt? I need to monitor that scar.”

  Cate was mortified but Eric smiled kindly, “I’ve helped hundreds of women give birth, Cate.”

  A few hours later, the first few strands of daylight were visible in the sky. Cate sank back against the stack of cushions, a towel protecting what was left of her modesty. Nate looked up from the sofa, still deathly pale, “is it over?”

  Cate laughed a little, “yes.” He’d fainted during her labour.

  Eric walked back into the lounge, “would you like to hold your daughter?”

  Cate felt tears prick the corners of her eyes as she reached for the tiny bundle. She wanted so desperately for Kian to be there.

  As Cate cradled her new daughter in her arms, she turned her face to Cate’s breast, searching out her nipple. “Oh,” Cate was surprised. Neither Lola nor Mateo had wanted to breast-feed.

  “You should try and feed her,” Eric urged. “It’ll help to close up your uterus.”

  “I need to, um…” Cate really didn’t want to try and breast-feed for the first time in front of Nate and Eric.

  Nate, having regained some colour in his cheeks, sensed her discomfort. He went upstairs and came back with one of Kian’s button-up shirts and a pair of tracksuit bottoms.

  “Thank you,” Cate was overcome with gratitude.

  “Before you get dressed, I just need to check you over,” Eric said gently.

  Cate handed the baby to Nate.

  Kian walked through the front door, completely drenched. A tree had come down on Defence Drive so he’d ditched the Tank and walked the rest of the way home. “What the…?”

  He blinked, thinking he must be seeing things. Cate was leaning back on a stack of cushions, there was a towel covering her stomach but she was clearly naked from the waist down and a strange man had his head between her parted thighs.

  He was ready to beat the shit out of whoever it was when he heard a gentle gurgle coming from the kitchen.

  “Kian, you’re home,” Nate beamed, holding something in his arms. He seemed completely oblivious to Cate and the soon-to-be dead bloke in his lounge.

  “That’s your daddy, baby girl!” Nate cooed and Kian stumbled backwards.

  He looked across at Cate. “You weren’t due for another two weeks.”

  “Tell me about it,” Cate shrugged. She looked exhausted but beautiful.

  Nate handed Kian the tiny bundle and he saw his youngest daughter for the first time.

  The strange man got to his feet, “congratulations!” It was Eric, Luke’s dad.

  While they were distracted, Cate struggled into the clothes Nate had brought downstairs for her. “I need to feed her,” Cate said to Kian and he brought the baby across to where she was sat.


  “We’re just going to go next door,” Nate and Eric said, respectfully giving Cate and Kian space.

  Cate unbuttoned the front of her shirt, letting it slip off her shoulder. She brought the baby towards her breast, guiding her tiny little lips to her nipple. Unlike her sister and brother, the new baby fed almost straight away. Cate was swamped with a tidal wave of emotion, watching the tiny little baby feed from her breast. It was the most unnatural, natural feeling she’d ever had.

  Kian gently stroked his daughter’s thick black hair, watching as she hungrily suckled from his wife’s breast.

  “How does it feel?” Kian asked softly, looking up into his wife’s beautiful black eyes.

  “I can’t describe it,” Cate choked. She was mesmerised by her daughter.

  As Cate turned the baby around, Kian helped uncover her other breast. He gently lifted it up, aware that she would be painfully tender and eased Cate’s swollen nipple into the baby’s mouth.

  As their daughter fed from Cate’s breast, Kian reached up and kissed his wife’s cheek. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”

  “It’s OK,” Cate smiled. He was here now. “What do you think about Sierra?”

  “Sierra,” Kian looked at his daughter, “Sierra Warner.”

  “I get the feeling that she’s going to be a feisty little thing.” After she’d finished feeding, Cate handed Sierra to Kian while she quickly buttoned up his shirt.

  CHAPTER 26

  Cate stood backstage, nervously clutching the speech she was due to give in a couple of minutes. She checked herself one final time in the mirror. She was wearing a purple silk dress which had delicate black and purple flowers trailing down one shoulder. The ruched bodice showed off the fullness of her breasts from feeding Sierra and layers of gently flowing silk hid the slight, lingering curve of her stomach.

  During her research, she’d read that prenatal depression could sometimes continue into postnatal depression and so in addition to seeing a therapist once a week, as soon as Dr Swift had given her the all-clear, Cate had joined Heidi from the Taco Shack on her early morning runs along the promenade. It wasn’t always easy, especially if Sierra had been fussy during the night but she found that the exercise really helped.

  She heard the last strum of the guitar on stage and felt a fresh wave of nausea. It was almost time for her to walk on stage. Her hands were shaking so badly, she was grateful that Liv had offered to do her hair and make-up tonight otherwise she’d have ended up with some serious panda eyes.

  Jax strutted off stage, his guitar slung across his back. He was dressed all in black: black boots, skinny jeans, vest and unbuttoned shirt. His tribal tattoos snaked up around the side of his neck. “Come here,” he said breaking into a wide grin when he saw Cate stood in the shadows. He pulled her into a bear hug, “you’re going to do great, sis.”

  “Thanks again for playing tonight,” Cate smiled. “It really means a lot.” As soon as he’d heard about the benefit for 33 Rocks, the charity Cate and Abby had started after Sierra was born to raise awareness of prenatal depression; he’d immediately offered to perform an acoustic set.

  X13 had split up after their last tour and he’d spent the last few weeks working on solo material with a producer in Seattle. Even though it had just been him up there on stage with his guitar, without all the razzmatazz that came with X13, Jax had been a huge hit. Cate could still hear the rapturous applause ringing around the ballroom.

  Cate watched as Abby picked up the microphone. “Where’s Liv?” Jax scanned the small backstage area.

  “She’s tired,” Cate reassured him, “it happens when you’re pregnant. She said she’d wait for you in your dressing room.”

  Jax grinned, “I’d better go and see how her and baby Twerpie are doing?”

  Cate laughed, “you’re not really going to call the baby Antwerp, are you?”

  “It’s kind of growing on me,” Jax shrugged. “We’ll see you guys at the airport tomorrow.”

  Cate heard Abby say her name and squeezing Jax’s hand one last time, she walked out of the darkness of backstage into the bright lights of the ballroom.

  Tonight was the first time that Cate was going to speak publicly about her own depression.

  She thanked Abby, took the microphone and walked to the centre of the stage. The ballroom was packed. Even without the proceeds from the auction they’d held earlier, they’d easily reached their fundraising target.

  She took a deep breath, locking her knees so they didn’t wobble. She’d never liked being the centre of attention. As she looked out at all the faces in front of her, friends and strangers, she began to doubt whether she could really go through with this. As Kian’s wife, so many intimate details of her life had already been made public.

  Cate saw Nate sitting at one of the tables at the side, looking so handsome in his tuxedo. She thought about him as a tiny baby covered in tubes and wires; how his fight for life had inspired Abby to fight for hers.

  In addition to the rich and famous who’d clamoured for tickets for tonight’s benefit lured by the promise of among others, Kian and his Seattle F.C. team-mates, Jax and Kevin Spyder, Cate and Abby had reserved a table especially for the brave women they’d met through the charity, who’d talked honestly about their own battles with prenatal depression. They were the lucky ones, like Cate and Abby, they had somehow fought their way through to the other side.

  Cate knew that there were many others who hadn’t been as lucky. She recognised one of the few men at the table. Greg’s wife, Aisling had killed herself two years ago when she was seven months pregnant with what would have been their first child. After years of trying without success, they’d finally got pregnant through IVF. It should have been the most heart-warming story – they hadn’t thought that they’d be able to afford IVF even with both of them working several jobs but their local community had rallied together to help them raise the money.

  It was an incredibly kind gesture but with all of their friends and family so heavily invested in her pregnancy, it must have felt almost impossible for Aisling to live up to their expectations. She must have thought that if she’d confided in any of them about how desperately she was feeling, it would have sounded like she wasn’t grateful for everything they’d done for her and Greg.

  Greg didn’t find out until after Aisling had died that she’d been diagnosed with depression - he’d found an unopened packet of anti-depressants hidden under their mattress.

  “Thirty-three is the number of rocks I thought I would have to fill my pockets with so I could sink to the bottom of Puget Sound and never resurface.”

  At the end of her speech, Cate received a standing ovation from the crowd and hurried off stage. She ran to the ladies’ toilets down the corridor and vomited.

  It was one of the toughest things she’d ever done. Up on that stage, in front of the lights and the sea of faces, she’d felt naked and exposed.

  When she came out of the ladies’ toilets, Kian was waiting for her. He gathered her up in his arms. “I’m so proud of you, angel.”

  Cate was so grateful for his support. It couldn’t have been easy for him to sit there in that crowded ballroom, surrounded by his friends and team-mates and listen to his wife describe how in her darkest moments, she’d thought about killing herself and their unborn child. But his support for what she and Abby were trying to do was unwavering.

  After they’d said their goodbyes, Kian guided Cate into a sleek black town car. He wouldn’t tell her where they were going but when the car stopped, she could see the strong white foundations of the Space Needle gleaming in the night sky. “What are we doing here?”

  Kian opened the door and offered Cate his hand. He led her inside the centre of the Needle and the lift doors opened immediately. “Wait,” Cate thought about the last time she’d been there with Jean and the children, “don’t we need to buy tickets?”

  Kian gently stroked her cheek, “we’ve got a dinner reservation.”

&n
bsp; As the lift ascended, Cate looked through the glass at the bright lights of Seattle. Every day, it was starting to feel more like home. Her depression had been so scary that she’d clung fiercely to the familiar, to Manchester. Seattle was a big part of this new chapter in her life; it was where she’d met Abby and they’d started 33 Rocks at her kitchen counter; giving them both a sense of being something other than just wives and mothers. Cate felt the fullness in her breasts and smiled; it was where she’d given birth to their youngest daughter, Sierra.

  “You were so brave up there tonight,” Kian mused, reaching for her hand. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” As she turned, Kian captured her lips in a sweet kiss.

  When they arrived at the restaurant, there were no other diners. Cate looked at Kian. “I wanted us to have complete privacy.”

  They were shown to their table and Cate was mesmerised by the rotating panorama. “It’s so beautiful. Thank you.”

  After the waiter had taken their orders, Kian reached across the table for Cate’s hands. “I’ve made an appointment to have a vasectomy.”

  Cate struggled to free her hands from Kian’s grasp. “You didn’t think about discussing this with me first?”

  “We’re discussing it now,” Kian replied. “If you don’t want me to, I can cancel the appointment.”

  “Why would you even want to do that?” Cate asked quietly.

  Kian rubbed his thumb over the eternity ring which sparkled on her finger, “you have given me three beautiful children, Cate.” His eyes lit up as he thought about Lola, Mateo and Sierra. “I’ve watched you struggle through each pregnancy… I sat by your hospital bed after you’d almost died giving birth to Lola and I prayed with everything I had that you’d wake up.”

  “But I did,” Cate chewed her bottom lip.

  “I can’t…” Kian’s voice threatened to crack and he fought hard to regain his composure. “I can’t do it again, angel. Lola, Mats, Sierra, they are enough for me.”