by J. Nichole
I shake my head. "That was enough."
"That's another lesson for a different day." She waves her hand in the air. "Back to Chris. Were any of those guys capable of erasing your adoration for him?" She readjusts in her chair and waits.
I breathe and think about each guy. My dates with Isaiah replayed in my head and I smile, but in the end he walked away when things got complicated. Dante was spontaneous and had a huge heart, but he was as heartbroken as me. Josh, wow. Our night together was amazing. Especially after our first kiss was nowhere near toe curling. He's willing to stick around while I figure out what I want. I share all my thoughts with Nicole and she listens not interrupting until I speak about Josh.
"And when is the last time you spoke with Josh?"
"We've been texting back and forth." Jennifer walks out of her room and leans against the kitchen counter.
"What are you two talking about?" She squints towards the clock. "It's too early. Why are you up so early?" Nicole and I exchange a look. "Our dictator roommate yelling this morning, right?" She shakes her head. "I rolled over after I heard her finally leave. Went right back to sleep."
Nicole leans against the table. "Sit down. Laila was just telling me why she's avoiding Chris."
Jennifer sits beside Nicole. "Chris? Out of all the guys this summer, why are we talking about Chris?"
I throw my arms in the air. "Exactly."
Nicole rolls her eyes at me and says, "After you talk to Chris, if you don't ever want to speak to him again I'll never say his name. But not until you at least talk to him. I would have thought Josh had a chance, but obviously you aren't that into him."
Jennifer nods her head in agreement. "If you were that into Josh we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation." She cringes. "I think the only guy you are really into is Chris, and the others are just passing your time."
I rise to put my bowl in the sink. I walk into my room and grab my phone. Before I close my door Nicole yells at me, "You'll thank me one day. Just remember to name your first born after me."
Lying across the bed I dial Chris' phone number, expecting it to go to voicemail at this time of the morning. After a few rings, I hear Chris' voice. "Hello." His voice is muffled.
"Hey, Chris." I hear him shifting around. I don't have much to say to him and I wait for him to wake up completely.
"Didn't think you'd ever call me back." I huff at his audacity. I don't owe him anything, and I'm close to hanging up. "Thank you." Those two words chip at my anger and I let him continue. "How are you?"
"I'm doing well." I don't offer any more and refuse to ask him how he's doing, purposely. I couldn't handle him saying he's doing well. Or if he's not. Although it's been a while since I deeply cared for him, I secretly hope he's been as miserable as I have been since we've been apart.
"That's good to hear. I've had better days, weeks, months even." His words trail off and I desperately want to ask him why he called a few weeks ago in the first place. "I was prepared to talk to you over the phone." He chuckles to himself. "Had the entire conversation planned but now that I hear your voice I can't remember any of it."
We both sit in silence and I can hear him breathing. The silence is unbearable. When we were together we could talk non-stop for hours.
"I'm sorry." He blurts out and mumbles to himself something else inaudible.
I'm not sure if he's apologizing for the torture of this silence or our break up. Either way I just whisper, "Okay."
"I think this would be easier in person." I hold my breath in anticipation for his next words. "Would you mind if I made a visit?"
"To Tallahassee?" I look in the mirror and pat my face then comb my fingers through my hair.
"Yes. I think I can get away from work and come down. For a weekend, maybe." Chris was supposed to go back to his family business but I know how much he wanted to branch out and do his own thing. I'm curious if he followed his heart. Asking would show too much interest in his life and I don't want to feed his ego.
"Let me know when you decide to come." I hope it's not too far from now. Thinking about what he wants to say but can't say will probably give me anxiety. I'll be a nervous wreck.
"Laila?" He clears his throat. "Take care." His voice cracks. Chris is usually confident and the quiver in his voice makes me crack. My heart feels like it's shattering. Just like it did when he broke up with me.
I manage to say, "You too," before hanging up. I look into the mirror again and watch as the tears start streaming down my face. Nicole is right. I'm not over Chris and acting as if I am would be foolish. My lip begins to curl up and my chest heaves as I realize I'm still in love with Chris no matter how much he's hurt me, no matter how badly I want to ex him out of my life.
"Whoa. Celie, is that you?" Nicole peeks around my bathroom door and stares at my reflection in the mirror. I sniffle as she says, "That's one of the ugliest cries I've seen in a while. What's wrong?"
I make eye contact with her and she instinctively knows and closes her eyes. "That bad? What'd he say?"
"Nothing. He had nothing to say." Her eyes bulge and I take a seat atop the toilet. Chris has been trying to talk to me for the past couple of weeks and when he finally does his words are lost and his thoughts numb. "Supposedly he'll be coming to Tallahassee and when he does he thinks a face to face meeting will be better."
"Alright. He's lame for that. But try not to stress over it." She smirks. "At least don't run home this time." When Chris broke up with me I skipped out on our Spring Break trip to Miami. Went back home to Fort Walton Beach. She dampens a face towel and hands it to me. "Let's go flirt with the freshmen." She shrugs, "It'll take your mind off of Chris."
We stroll the halls, greeting girls as we see them in passing until we find our rooms. Harris Hall has been renovated and the rooms look better than when we lived in them just a couple of years ago. The door to my old room is wide open and the two girls inside are laughing and talking. Different from my first few days in this same room since I was solo my first semester. Standing in the doorway I say, "Hey ladies."
They both look up and invite me into the room. I introduce myself and they both light up with enthusiasm. As they give me their backgrounds I look around the room that looks like an Ikea mini display. They ask me about freshman week and what to expect with living in Harris Hall. "Make sure you get out as much as possible this next week. You'll meet a gang of new friends and they'll likely remain your friends while you're here."
As if on cue, Monica walks in behind me and says, "Yup, you won't be able to shake them even if you try." She introduces herself and offers coupons for snacks from the student union. After answering all of their questions about campus we leave out looking for Jennifer and Nicole and find them on the front steps of Harris Hall.
Guys are fawning over Nicole like she's a local celebrity, and the freshman girls are sitting back watching with envy. Nicole looks around the crowd of guys and signals me over. "Laila, come over and meet our new friends." Jennifer rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
Nicole introduces me to the guys and one of them tries hard to flirt with me. While he stands beside me he says, "I'm not too excited about the food in the cafeteria. Can you cook?"
Jennifer laughs. "What? Laila cooking?" She looks at me and winks. "Unless you can survive on cereal and milk alone, maybe chips, you better learn to love the cafeteria."
I cock my head at Jennifer, and although she isn't too far off from my cooking expertise, I don't appreciate her putting me on blast. "Now and then the cafe has fried chicken." I smile at the guy. "And it isn't too bad."
My phone vibrates and I move away from the group to check my messages.
Josh: Excited to be back at school?
Josh: Need a break yet?
Jennifer taps me on the shoulder and says, "Let's get off campus before this girl invites the entire freshman class to our apartment for a home-cooked meal." I look up and nod to her as I type a response to Josh. Before I hit send, I decide
to call him instead.
As we walk back to the car I talk to Josh. The more I listen to him talk about his boring day, it makes me think about what Chris is doing today. What his weekends have been like over the past few months.
Nicole complains about the heat in her car before she blasts the music and pulls out of the parking lot. "Sorry if you can't hear me." I say to Josh. "I have a rude ass roommate." I scream over the music. Before hanging up I promise to call Josh back later in the evening.
"This is my fight song. Take back my life song." Nicole sings along with the music. "Laila, this is perfect timing. You're going to be alright." Jennifer and I laugh as Nicole continues to sing with the radio. "This year is going to be fucking amazing."
Chapter Twelve
A crowd of students is standing in front of the Journalism building as I try to make my way to my first class. Before I grab the door handle I stop and ask them if they are okay. They pause their conversation and seem to be shocked that I'm speaking to them.
"We were supposed to have our first class in the journalism building but it's canceled and we are trying to figure out if we want to walk back to the dorms." The other girls stand and listen as their spokesperson describes their dilemma.
I smile at them and tell them to follow me. As I open the door I say, "I know it's too hot to walk around campus aimlessly." I direct them to the atrium and then rush to my class. Showing the freshman around will not be an acceptable excuse for being late to class.
Professor Dupri is pacing in front of the classroom, and I try to sneak past to find an empty seat before he notices me. A girl I remember from one of my classes last semester signals me over to an empty seat next to her. After sitting down and pulling out my notebook, Professor Dupri says, "Would you like to explain journalistic integrity... Miss." He looks my way and waves his hand in front of him.
"Miss Jackson." I take a breath as I think of the best answer for his question. "Integrity is being honest. Journalistic integrity is reporting the truth." I look around as Professor Dupri remains silent.
"And if I were to ask you why you were late to class, and your story didn't hold true could your integrity come into question?" The class erupts in a synchronous 'oh.'
I shrug my shoulders and say, "I suppose it could."
Professor Dupri continues his lecture on journalistic integrity using the example he made of me to drive home his point of being honest and truthful in all of our dealings. Then he describes the pillars of the Society of Professional Journalists. A smile crosses my face as I think about the ability to join the Society after graduation. I feel nerdy until I look at Dionne, the girl sitting beside me, and I realize her smile is as big as mine.
Dionne whispers to me, "We just need to knock out four more semesters." I nod my head. After Professor Dupri finishes his forty-five-minute lecture I throw my notebook in my bag and head towards the door.
"Miss Jackson." Professor Dupri waves his arm. "Do you have a minute?"
I shrug my shoulders then walk towards him. "Yes, sir." Professor Dupri stands taller than me, and I look up to him to wait for him to speak. He places his hand on his salt and pepper beard that lies neatly on his smooth skin. His muscles slightly bulge from his button down shirt.
"Are you on the paper this year?" This is my first class with Professor Dupri, but most of the professors participate in some way on the paper, magazine, and radio. I'm sure he's heard of me from the staff of the paper.
I nod slowly as I remember I need to speak to Stephanie who replaced Evan, as editor, after he graduated. Stephanie and I had a class together last year, and it doesn't surprise me that she was selected as the editor.
"You don't seem sure." He cocks his head at me. "If you are, I wanted to let you know that I'm the staff advisor, and I expect to see you in my class on time."
Just my luck, when I have a legit reason for being late I'm late to the staff advisor's class. "Yes, sir." No need to explain why I was late.
I have a short break before my next class, and this day will need a cup of tea. The heat hasn't let up yet but fortunately the coffee shop isn't too far away from the journalism building.
Tanya started classes this week too, and being in North Carolina she's more than a few hours away from her daughter, Ava. I already heard from Josh that leaving her on campus was difficult for the entire family. While I wait in line for my tea I call Tanya to check on her.
She answers, "Hey girl." She releases a long sigh. "This campus is too big, and it's too hot out here."
"Yeah, this heat is no joke. How are your classes so far?" While she responds I order a black tea with cream. I'll have to sit inside with it to avoid overheating from a hot drink and the hotter air outside.
"Most of them seem to be straight forward. I just have one professor who is on some other shit." Tanya chose an engineering program and after her two years at the community college she's taking her major courses now. "He handed out the syllabus and our first assignment that's due when we meet again."
I laugh at her complaining, and then she drills me about Josh. "Have y'all been talking since your rendezvous back home?" I wish I could tell her that Chris has reached out to me. Talking about guys with her was much easier when none of them was her brother. Now, I have to mince my words or else she'll be super sister and defend her brother's heart at the mention of another dude.
"Of course we have." The coffee shop is scarce today, and I'm able to find a seat alone. "But you know I'm back at school, and he's busy with work."
"Bullshit. I call all types of bullshit." My hot tea burns the back of my mouth as I cough at her comment. "You don't have to lie to me just because he's my brother. You're my girl and I promise to stay out of it."
With over fifteen years of friendship I guess you can call your girl's bullshit. Likewise, I know she won't stay out of it. As loyal of a friend she has been to me she loves her brother too much to sit back and let us dissolve.
"Not bullshit. What part of that is bullshit?" Maybe the part about not knowing if I want to be serious with Josh, especially now that Chris is in the picture. Or the part that I've been keeping our conversations light to avoid the topic of a visit.
"I just know you're keeping something from me. And it's cool." The background noise masks her voice. "Ugh, do they have to practice marching across campus in the middle of the day?" She covers the phone before she continues, "Anyway. Just as long as he isn't stalking you or hurting you it's whatever."
"Now I call your bullshit." I know she'd be pissed if we were to stop talking. "I remember how you reacted when Josh's ex-girlfriend broke up with him."
We both laugh and she says, "She was a stank heffa. And you're my best friend. Maybe odd when you come around but I'm sure we'll all get over it eventually. I am in front of my next class. I'll talk to you later."
I didn't realize how much time had passed since I came into the coffee shop. My cup of tea is empty, and I should get to my next class before I'm called out again. I zigzag between the few trees on campus in an attempt to avoid the sun.
My Intro to Logic class is in the general education building in a large auditorium-style classroom. Most of the general classes are larger than my major courses. The first few rows of seats are empty, but the back of the classroom is packed. On my way to an empty seat I hear someone hissing at me. "Laila, over here." I turn and look through the full rows and find Jason sitting forward waving his hand towards me.
I shake my head and sit in a seat away from him. Jason laughs and says, "It's like that?" I met Jason freshman year. When we first met, he played Chris' ears and eyes. Keeping tabs on me around campus. Last year I realized he did all of Chris' dirty work because he wanted to be a Que. Not sure if Chris helped him or not, but he pledged. In the process, he convinced me to help him in our Economics class. "We were like peanut butter and jelly last year."
I laugh as he makes his way to the empty seat beside me. "Still lame I see." He leans down and gives me a bear hug.
&nb
sp; "I'm going to be on top of my shit this semester." He pulls out a fresh, purple, spiral notebook and pencil. He slaps it on his desk. "You ready?" He looks at my fingers tapping my bare desk.
I nod my head then pull out my notebook. "As I'm going to be." The last rows of seats fill in before the professor walks into the room.
The female professor looks fresh out of undergrad. Rocking a black shirt and pair of fitted jeans. Her hair is slicked back into a curly ponytail. She passes out the syllabus and then stands in front of the class and says, "You have all been involved in an argument." She looks around the room. "I intend to teach you what it takes to have a logical debate. To produce evidence, and a solid conclusion." She smiles. "I can't promise you'll win the next debate with your girlfriend." She looks at a guy sitting in front of her. "But you'll at least sound like you know what you are talking about."
Jason whispers to me, "You can win your arguments with Chris." I roll my eyes at Jason. He knows that Chris and I broke up. "You two will be back together." He has more confidence than I do.
As we review the syllabus I realize that logic is much more than basic arguments as the professor described. When she turns around to write on the whiteboard, Jason turns to me and says, "Have you talked to him lately?"
Jason's back stiffens as he waits for me to respond. "We talked a few days ago." I turn my attention back to the professor's notes on the white board but I can feel Jason staring. "What happened to being on top of your shit this semester?" I look him square in the eyes. "You aren't even listening to her anymore." I point towards the professor who is explaining the notes she wrote on the board. He holds his hands up in defense and turns around.
The professor dismisses our class and I throw my notebook in my tote. "Alright, Jason. I'll talk to you later."
Jason wraps his arm around my shoulder. "In a rush?" I wriggle my way out of his embrace. "Come by the frat house."