KiltedForPleasure

by Melissa Blue

  “Aye, lassie,” his tone matched hers as though Douglass knew he’d pushed her too far. “Go find Callan. I want to see all my boys together.”

  Tristan tilted his head, watching her with a keen gaze. “He was headed down to the cafeteria for coffee.”

  “Thanks,” she told him and made her escape out of the room.

  In the elevator ride down, her mind filled with all the things she wanted to say to Callan when she found him. She’d never been so mad in her life that just thinking about someone made the tips of her ears burn. Callan Baird had managed just that reaction from her. He inspired a slew of firsts.

  The low simmer of rage was such a contrast to the night before. Last night she’d trusted him when things had turned bleak. But, now? Her jaw clenched as the elevator doors slid open. Her vision tunneled.

  Victoria found him standing in front of the glass windows next to the bank of elevators. If she didn’t know him, she might have missed the way his shoulders hung low or the shadows that stained the skin beneath his eyes. Last night she would have cupped his face…but it wasn’t last night.

  Knowing her boss resided in the same building, she balled her fists and spoke to him in a very calm, completely rage-less tone. “Ian and Tristan are upstairs with the Baird.”

  “I know.” He took a sip of his coffee.

  She jerked back, stunned. “Just like that? ’You know.’”

  His gaze broke away from hers. “Listen, Victoria—”

  Her temper broke through the calm. “No, you listen.” She stepped forward, forcing him to look at her. “You wouldn’t be the man I cared for if you hadn’t called Ian and Tristan. I understand that, but it’s a ten hour flight from California. If not more. You had ten hours to tell me to leave.” The anger built and stole her breath for a second. “You could have woken me up.”

  He sighed. “It wouldn’t have made a difference in the end.”

  She put up her hands as though that would somehow staunch the flow of pissed-off coursing through her at his reply. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she tried for rational, tried to think. “I just don’t understand why you would do this to me. You put my job in jeopardy. For what reason? Because I’m great in bed? You secretly hate me? What? What?”

  Guilt filled his gaze before he looked away again, and then she did understand.

  Victoria swallowed though it hurt as her mind finally caught on the obvious reason. He had needed her and he hadn’t wanted to need her. How many times had he said those same exact words in various ways? It didn’t matter what was important for her. From the beginning it had always been about whatever pleased him.

  “I did this for you,” Callan murmured as though he could read the revelation on her face.

  Her breath hitched. “For me? There was never any reason for Ian to know. Getting found out by my boss was my only dealbreaker with you. And you let that happen. Why?”

  His jaw tightened and his hand fisted around his coffee cup. “It’s not like that. I—”

  She took another step forward. “You can’t have it both ways, Callan.”

  “What does that even mean?” His anger finally butting against hers. “What other way do I have you?”

  “You cook for me. You take care of me.” Her throat felt thick just saying the words. “That’s how you have me, and you know it. You, also, have me in bed. Any way you want. Any way I ask. You’ve tried to make sure that I know that’s it for us. I’m fine with that, because I’m leaving in a few weeks. It’s the rest…” She stopped, her heart aching, and then she forced herself to add, “I was fine with us just being sex, because you’re not ready to let go of Diana.”

  His mouth tightened. “I know.”

  Her heart twisted at his simple confession. She’d known, hadn’t really wanted to hear the truth, but she had a point to make. “Does Ian know I’ve been around you and his father outside of work?”

  “Aye.”

  “Did I tell him? Did I agree that you should tell him?” At his silence all she could do was shake her head. “Right,” she said, feeling so cold she trembled.

  “We couldn’t be together anymore, lass. You know that.”

  She glanced up not able to look at him without the urge to cry burning her eyes. “I know the moment I made a mistake I should have ended things with you. We were sitting around my coffee table,” she said quietly. “You had just finished cooking dinner and you go over my notes. And there are mistakes. I don’t tell you but everything, everything I do after that I triple check. I know, deep down, I wouldn’t have made those mistakes if it weren’t for you. My job and who I sleep with never intermingle. I have those rules for this very reason. Shit gets complicated. My work gets questioned. That’s what I know, Callan.”

  “That’s not what I mean,” Callan said, his head down, not even able to look at her either.

  Victoria’s breath hitched again and she hated that. She’d shown nothing but weakness since she’d met him. “You said you wouldn’t undermine my integrity. I trusted you to keep your word. I believed it. I believed you, Callan. That’s on me. And you let me sit there, asleep in that hospital room knowing my boss would have questions about how I even know Douglass.”

  His head notched back. “He’d be a hypocrite—”

  She shook her head harder. “We love each other and this shit sort of happened. That Ian could maybe understand. But this?” She gestured between them. “Is just lust and recklessness. If there was ever any doubt, today you’ve made that clear.”

  His gaze filled with something akin to regret. “Victoria…”

  “You can’t even say that you needed me here.” Her voice rose and more than a few people walking by stopped for a second. She didn’t care. “So why should I put my everything on the line for you? Why should I let you decide anything for me when you can’t even say you didn’t want to be alone? You didn’t need someone, you needed me to be here with you. That’s not a declaration of love. That’s being human. That’s living.”

  His jaw twitched. “You had to know I’d call them. He’s their father.”

  “You didn’t warn me. What’s confusing about how screwed up that is? Thirty minutes before they got here you could have shaken me awake and told me to run for the hills. But you couldn’t do that, could you? You can’t even admit that you couldn’t.”

  He stayed silent. God. She unclenched her fists so she wouldn’t hit him. “I can’t even say this is out of character for you. You make a decision and that’s that. You decided I’d be the right person to take care of Douglass. We’d sleep together. We’d discover kinks, because I must have some. Like an idiot—”

  “You’re anything but stupid, Victoria,” his voice was hard when he said it.

  She ignored him, tired of hearing his side. “So why would you even think that you should discuss this with me?” She hated how her eyes suddenly filled with tears, but she refused to let them fall. “You broke your promise, but what did I expect? As far as you’re concerned, you’re married. Those are the only vows you have to keep. I’m just the other woman.”

  “Victoria,” he said as though she was killing him with her every word. And then he just stopped talking, his jaw clenching.

  She sucked in a breath and socked away all the hurt. He didn’t deserve one goddamn tear. While she still had a job, she needed to do it. He stepped forward. She put her hand on his chest to keep him at bay and shook her head.

  “I’m going to catch a cab. I have paperwork to do. I’ll check on Douglass when I can, but after his heart attack, it might be best to get him a maid and a nurse to look after him.”

  “Burke,” he said and anger filled his tone. “Will you listen to me?”

  She tilted her head and met his gaze in a challenge. They both knew he had no legitimate reason for not warning her, and that Victoria had been right in everything she’d said. “What rationalizations do you have?”

  “I had to tell them about Douglass. You would have wanted to see him.”

/>   In that, at least, he was right. “But that was for me to decide, Callan. It’s my career to throw away. So ask yourself why did you do it like this?” She put up her hands again because she didn’t want to hear his answer. “You knew how I felt about you and it was easier to end things like this. I never thought you a coward.”

  He rocked on his heels as though she’d hit him. “This wasn’t a betrayal,” he threw back. “I couldn’t let them fire you over me. I couldn’t let you cut yourself out of Douglass’ life.”

  Cut herself out of his life didn’t need to be said. It was clear in his taut jawline. And he couldn’t admit it. Victoria knew he never would, because sex with her didn’t feel wrong, didn’t feel like he was cheating on his wife. Loving her would be and Callan couldn’t do that to his wife.

  Her eyes stung from the unshed tears, but she nodded at his silent answer. “If your actions were so noble why didn’t you warn me, explain to me that’s what you wanted to do?”

  He sighed and dragged a hand through his hair. “Let me drive you home.”

  “No.” She didn’t even hesitate. There was no way she’d be able to spend another minute around him. “I think we’re done here. With everything, just to be clear.”

  Victoria didn’t wait for a reply. She walked away from him and found a bay of phones. The ache in her bones now wasn’t anger, it was reality settling in. He could have followed her and talked her into getting into his car so he could take her home. Callan could have done a million things that would have mattered, that would have meant maybe he didn’t love her but what he felt for her was more than lust. Something to prove to himself at least he wasn’t scared of loving her back.

  But he did none of those things. She caught a cab home, feeling more alone in her life than she ever dreamed possible.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Only a week after Douglass’ heart attack, no one allowed the older man to leave the house and there was always someone there with him. This time Tristan had stayed to babysit Papa Baird. Otherwise Callan had no doubt both of his cousin’s would have made this somber trek with him. Even though he’d wanted to go to the cemetery alone. He always did.

  Row after row of headstones held names and epithets that he could probably recite from memory. That and the serene quiet gave him a strange sense of familiarity so that he never felt lonely. A bit morbid now that he thought about it as Ian trailed at his side. May explain why he was fucked up to begin with.

  Callan clutched the white roses and shoved his other hand deep into the pocket of his trousers. The shift of movement caused his cousin to glance at him. Ian wore a subdued expression and didn’t say anything. They climbed the last crest.

  From there Callan could see the new obelisk headstone. It towered over most of the others and sat under a large tree. For so long there had only been a marker with her name etched on it. He stopped, took in a breath and just stared at the erected cross at the tip of the stone. Everything in him hollowed for a moment.

  Ian clapped a hand on his shoulder. Callan moved forward again until he stood in front of Diana’s grave. He’d worked many hours, tucked away every spare cent and had seen the headstone in various stages as he paid it off. It had always broke him in some way whenever he had to deal with her death again, but now peace settled inside him. It’s exactly what he hoped for, and still somehow the emotion felt empty. He’d expected a visceral kind of closure.

  He scoffed in disgust at himself. “I’m an ungrateful git.”

  Surprise flicked over Ian’s face. “What?”

  All week he’d allowed himself to wallow in misery. When he was in a giving mood, he’d shared it, with everyone who crossed his path. His cousins and uncle had tolerated it after he’d told them about the headstone. And still it wasn’t enough for him. “I’m just a whiny shite. Do you know the last words we said to each other?”

  Ian’s brow was up and he had the look of someone talking to a crazy person. “Are you okay?”

  Callan ignored the question. “I was hurrying out the door to get to work. She dragged me back over the threshold, kissed me proper and told me she loved me. I said it back.” His voice turned hoarse. “Do you know how fucking lucky that makes me? Our last words weren’t inane. It wasn’t a fight. It’s the one thing everyone wishes were their last words to a loved one.” He glanced back at the headstone. “I love you. We said it and meant it.”

  Ian’s other brow rose. “So?”

  He hadn’t thought any other woman could make his chest ache from missing them, but it had happened. It’s why he’d been a miserable shite all week. “What the fuck is my problem? Why can’t I say goodbye?”

  His cousin stuffed his hands in his pocket and looked at the gravestone. “I didn’t understand it before. Not really, but if something were to happen to Jocelyn, I don’t think I’d be all right. For a long, long while. A day wouldn’t go by where I didn’t ache for her. That’s normal.”

  Callan waited and when his cousin didn’t go on, he pushed. “But?”

  Ian sighed. “What would Diana tell you about the way you’ve been living your life?”

  In her memory, to preserve as much as he could, Callan had hurt someone else. “She’d kick my arse.”

  Ian shrugged. “I’d happily do it if it means we can stop having this heart-to-heart.”

  Callan then did something he had never done at Diana’s grave—he laughed. “Fucker.”

  Ian just smiled and continued to take in the headstone. It was as tall as them both and decked in black marble. Beneath her name and her birthdate and date of death it said, “She loved as wildly and deeply as she lived.” Those words never felt more important.

  He squatted down and placed the flowers at her grave. It was then he realized that even if his cousin wasn’t behind him, there was nothing left for Callan to say. For two years whenever he visited he’d poured it all out until there was nothing left in him. He never felt her presence, never felt better after talking to her grave, because they’d never have those babies they dreamed about having once they both had stable incomes. Never get a big house and fill it with those children and a shared life. It was never going to happen so he’d made the choice to stop living.

  She was no longer in his future, but he still had one. A sad smile tugged at his mouth because she’d belt him for wasting it. For the first time neither anger nor grief welled up inside him at the truth—he wanted a future that didn’t have her in it. What more did he need?

  Victoria.

  The past week he hadn’t let his mind drift to her or what she had said…too much. He’d let her vent because in order to argue one had to have an opposing view. And she’d been right. So scared he’d replace Diana with someone else, he’d treated Victoria as though she were the one who was replaceable. He’d shattered her heart. Twice. His actions, no matter how much he wanted to believe otherwise, weren’t noble. His actions had shored back up every wall she took down to be with him.

  Callan rose as that new ache clawed at his heart. His actions had forced Victoria to cut him out of her life. Without her he wouldn’t be standing here, his final promise to Diana fulfilled. He owed her for that. The least he could do was learn how to live again. Coming here had been the first step. For himself.

  For Victoria.

  He scrubbed a hand over his face, because he’d lost her. Had made sure of it. Making amends wouldn’t be easy and he didn’t know how or where to start. He only knew he had to before she left.

  Until then he had his rat bastard cousins to annoy. “Let’s get smashed at Baird’s. Maybe have a drink in Diana’s honor.”

  Ian’s brows went up again. “Interesting.”