by C. A. Harms
“I’m glad you could make it today. It’s really good to see you, Kori. Where’s your little one, anyway?” Leann asked.
“Oh, he’s around here somewhere. Maria took him the moment we got here. I’m sure she’s using him as a ploy to gain attention.” I began scanning over the sprawling ground, my eyes landing on the back of a tall built figure I knew well. The fact that he could really wear a pair of jeans made it hard to look away. The cowboy boots and Stetson only made the vision more appealing. I mentally lectured myself over the thoughts that for a moment overtook my mind.
It was almost like he could feel me watching him. He turned his head slightly, and our eyes connected. A grin pulled at the corner of his mouth just before he winked.
“There’s Maria.” I turned back to Leann just as Maria approached, carrying a messy, chocolate cheeked little boy.
“Seriously, woman, we’ve been here what, fifteen minutes. Where’ve you been? How did Rhett get covered in chocolate?” I pulled him from her arms and she laughed and shrugged. “Oh, don’t act like you don’t know how this happened. You have chocolate on your face too.” I found the nearest place to sit and began cleaning up a very dirty little boy.
Over the next few hours I was able to reconnect with a lot of old friends and even some new faces. The feelings of home slowly washed over me. This is where I grew up, these were my people. There was just one thing missing, one thing I could never get back.
I dark shadow fell from over my left shoulder. I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was; I could smell him. It pissed me off that I could remember his scent, that manly outdoorsy fragrance. The desire deep in my stomach rolled though me, sending unwanted chills over my skin.
“I was wondering, can I introduce myself to this handsome little guy?” Why did his voice have to affect me? Deep, husky, still so sexy.
Looking back over my shoulder I forced a smile. “Sure.”
Reed took a few steps and came around the front of the bundle of hay I had claimed as my own. He knelt down before us. “Hey there, buddy.” Rhett gigged and bounced in my lap. He was such a happy boy. He laughed and smiled so often. He loved when people talked to him and showed him attention.
Reed chuckled and looked up at me. “He’s a happy boy, isn’t he? Kor…he’s a good baby.”
I was too choked up to speak. This was hard, having another man this close.
I knew it had been almost a year. It didn’t make it any easier, though. My love for Blake still overpowered every other emotion. I found it hard to feel anything for anyone else, without feeling guilty. Reed showing Rhett attention just broke my heart.
I couldn’t help wondering what it would feel like if I saw another woman with my son. A woman who had an obvious interest in his daddy. I knew to some it may seem so childish to think that way, but I couldn’t make it disappear. Losing someone the way I lost Blake wasn’t something you got over quickly. He was ripped from our lives in the most agonizing way. When Blake died, I felt like I had, too. I’d tried so hard to let go of the guilty feelings, but every day they’re present, beating down my front door.
It was all too much, and I stood, quickly gathering up my things. “I’ve gotta get going. Rhett’s getting tired, and he needs a bath.”
I rushed past Reed, walking toward my vehicle. Once inside I sent a text message to Maria letting her know I wasn’t feeling well and had to leave. Then I sent a similar message to my parents, before starting up my car and driving home.
***
After getting Rhett fed and put to bed, I grabbed a bottle of wine and went out to the front porch. The tears began quickly. Knowing that the distance between my house and anyone else was widespread, I let loose. The chances of anyone hearing my sobs were slim. Torturing myself, I held on to the one photo of Blake and me in the park. I began drowning my heartache in the bottle of Pinot.
The headlights flickering along the tree line grabbed my attention. The access road to my house was off the main road, and there was nothing else along it but me. The only reason to take it was to come here, and right now I didn’t want company.
As the vehicle got closer, my heart sank. The big black truck with huge tires and dark windows pulled in next to my SUV. I quickly began wiping at the tears on my cheeks.
The sound of the door shutting made me jump, followed by the crunch of gravel under his boots.
I looked down, squeezing the photo just a little tighter to my chest. A sob broke out uncontrollably, and I covered my mouth, trying to hide it.
“Kori,” a pained whisper filled the silence. “Talk to me. Yell at me, something. I know you’re hurting, I wish I could help.”
“No one can help, Reed, not unless you can go back in time. Change the past and bring Blake back to me. That’s the only thing that would help me right now.”
He knelt before me and looked up into my eyes. “Sweetheart, if I could, I would. Because seeing you hurting like this, it’s breaking my heart.” He paused and squeezed my knee tightly. “Let me be here for you. Let me be a shoulder to cry on. Let me be your friend.”
Once again those unwanted feelings of guilt washed over me. “I can’t Reed. I need you to leave, please.”
I refused to look up at him. I stared at the almost empty glass of wine in my hand, gripping the neck tightly. After a few silent moments he stood and took a step back. “Whenever you decide you need a friend, when you feel like you just need to get it out, lean on me, Kori. I’m not trying to push you in any way. All I want to do is be your friend. You’re hurting, and no matter what you do, that hurt will never completely disappear. Something, or someone will always trigger a memory or a feeling. Something will always pop up that reminds you of him. It will get easier to carry on, but you never have to forget him.”
I looked up as he walked away. I watched the back of him until he crawled up into his truck. His headlights slowly backed down my driveway before turning back out on to the main road.
I realized he was talking from experience. He had lost his momma only a short time ago. Reed knew just what it was I felt. He too carried the guilt, for different reasons of course, but it was still guilt. He knew what it felt like to carry the guilt you got to live with when they didn’t.
Chapter Ten
After the barbeque, I laid low. I crawled back into the shell I found safe. The one that kept me from guilt and situations that may bring it on. If it was only Rhett and me, things were a little easier.
I had been having these crazy dreams where he was still alive and happy. In those dreams, he was there with us, watching Rhett, loving him. I always woke up with a sense of loss all over again. On those days, I felt drained and empty. It was like losing him all over again.
Days I spent in the classroom were so hard. I had to paint on a happy face and pretend my life wasn’t black and sad. I began wondering if I shouldn’t take Reed up on the offer. I couldn’t go on like this. I had to move forward, for Rhett.
***
My day turned out to be an awful one. I had two kids throw up during class, and a third one on the playground. It appeared the stomach flu had struck, and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If they weren’t throwing up, they were crying because their friend was. I had reached my vomit quota for the day. All I wanted to do was go get Rhett, and then get home for a hot shower.
I left school with one hell of a headache, plus a bitchy attitude I was trying to tame. What made the task real hard was when I pulled into my parents’ driveway and saw that damn black truck.
“No!” I whispered to myself. I slammed my Escape into park and jumped out, leaving the door standing open while I stared off toward the fields just south of the barn. My heart sank and my eyes filled with tears.
“Hey, baby girl, what’s wrong?” Momma asked as she walked up next to me.
“What’s he doing here, Momma? Why’s he holding my son?” My gaze met hers, waiting for her to tell me why Reed was holding Rhett along the fence line. I turned back to watch as
he took Rhett’s little hand into his and gently stroked along Hurricane’s mane, my dad’s prizewinning horse. My chest tightened as the scene played out in front of me. Reed smiled down at Rhett, and he giggled when Hurricane let out an ‘hfph’ noise.
“Answer me, Momma.”
“He’s helping your daddy. The fence needed replacing, and Reed’s kinda become the handyman around town. He offered his hands, your daddy couldn’t handle it all on his own.”
“Of course he offered.” I wiped away the tears and cleared my throat. I turned to face Momma. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t allow men Rhett doesn’t know to carry him around.”
I never gave her a chance to answer. I walked off in their direction. Reed looked up as my feet crunched against the gravel, making my presence known. “Hey.”
“Can I have my son?” I held out my arms. Rhett came on his own, and I held him close. I swiveled around, walking back toward my car. I could hear his steps coming fast behind me.
“I was just showing him the horse. He looked like he was having some fun with it.” His deep, husky voice caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand and chills to run down my spine. I was fighting to control the tears that were so close to spilling over. “Kori, I’m sorry if I did something wrong.”
I placed Rhett in his car seat and slammed the door shut, bracing myself against the door. I took in a deep breath, and when I was sure I could control my heart from taking over my brain, I turned to face him.
“You’re here to help my daddy. You’re not here to take the place of my son’s father. I don’t need you to swoop in and save us. I’m doing fine on my own, and I don’t need you, or anyone else, for that matter.”
Once in my vehicle, I floored the gas, spinning loose gravel. The moment I hit the main road the tears fell heavy. Seeing him hold my son was too much. It hurt knowing Rhett may look at him as a substitute for Blake. I wasn’t ready for something like that, and I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
My heart ached fiercely with every breath I l took. My throat burned, and my stomach tightened.
***
“Did you hear that? Listen…” Blake whispered as we lay in bed side by side.
“Dah, Dah,” filtered in through the speaker of the baby monitor. “Dah…Dah.”
“He said Dada, did you hear him, Kori?”
Blake’s excitement was evident. I smiled and rolled toward him, placing my hand on his bare chest. “I heard him, baby.”
“I told you his first word would be daddy.” His cockiness was oozing in his words. He tickled me, and I attempted to roll away, only to have him follow me across the bed. His body pinning mine to the mattress. He held both of my hands above my head with one of his. Using his other hand he continued to torture me over and over, by tickling my sides.
“Okay, please stop. Blake, seriously, you’re gonna make me pee my pants.”
He chuckled and leaned over me to place his lips against mine softly. “I love you so much, Kori. You have no idea how special you are to me.”
“I think I have an idea. You’re pretty special, too.”
Lowering his body over mine, he braced his arms next to each side of my face, grazing over my jaw with his thumb, just before kissing me once more. “Marry me?”
Tears filled my eyes and spilled over. “Really?”
“Yeah, really. Soon, though. I’m ready for you to be my wife.”
I woke with a jolt and began looking around the room. My cheeks were moist from the freshly fallen tears. It felt so real, like he was there, holding me. I broke and sobbed to the point of exhaustion. It was all just a dream.
I was torn because the dreams of Blake were welcomed, yet extremely sad. They left me aching for him in such an intense way, it was almost crippling. His voice in my ear felt so real, and his touch, sometimes I could still feel it hours after one of my dreams.
Then the bad parts washed over me, and I would cry for hours after the visions faded. When the presence of him could no longer be felt, the anger hit and took over. I felt like sometimes the anger was out of control. Like I was going crazy with it. That thought was scary.
I had to find a way to deal with this. A way to handle the range of emotions coursing through me daily. It was then that I admitted I may not be able to do this on my own. I may in fact need someone to help guide me.
Chapter Eleven
“It’s right next to his daddy’s house. You can’t miss it. It’s a huge place. He’s done most of the building himself.” I turned on to Cooper Lane and drove south. It had been three days since I yelled at Reed. I have been going over the entire scene in my head. I needed to apologize to him. He didn’t deserve my anger, not when all he was trying to do was be a friend. I directed all my hurt and frustration toward him, and now it was time I let him know he did nothing wrong. I acted out of line, like a complete bitch.
Once my tires made contact with the gravel driveway, my stomach began to flutter. My heart raced, and for a moment I contemplated turning around to go back home. I took a deep breath and gently pushed the gas pedal as the huge, beautiful home came into view.
His father’s home still sat on the edge of the property, but off in the distance, Reed’s home towered over it. It was breathtaking, with a welcoming wraparound porch. It had its very own porch swing tucked off to the side.
Placing my Escape in park, I climbed out and nervously twisted my hands together. I heard a ferocious bark, and a jolt of fear ran through me. I hugged the side of my vehicle. Defensive mode kicked in as I pictured the dog behind the bark.
“Diesel! Get your ass back here,” Reed’s deep voice called out, and the beautiful Husky halted in his tracks. Whimpering once, he turned and ran back in the direction of the house. I let out the breath I wasn’t aware I was holding until then.
Looking up, my chest felt tight, and the air in my lungs constricted. Reed was standing at the edge of the porch. He was shirtless, tan, and perfect. His jeans were hanging low on his hips, hugging his thick, muscular thighs. My mouth went dry at the vision of him wearing his worn boots and Stetson. A tingling sensation started at the base of my neck and rolled down my back, overwhelming my senses.
He was watching me with one eyebrow lifted. I realized his mouth was moving, and I forced myself to snap out of my lustful state. Feeling ashamed and slightly embarrassed, I averted my eyes, looking off toward the field to our right.
“I uh, um, just wanted to stop by and say I was sorry.” I looked back up just in time to catch the tail end of a grin.
“Sorry for what exactly?” His voice was so deep and sinful. I needed to get my shit together. I was fumbling through my thoughts, and they were running rampant.
Mentally counting to ten, I looked up and forced a smile. “I was awful to you, and you did nothing to deserve it. I needed to apologize for acting so childish and cruel to you. You were trying to be a friend.”
He bit the inside of his lower lip, and it brought back memories. The gesture was one he used often when fighting the urge to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” I asked placing my hands on my hips.
Reed shook his head and chuckled. “You apologizing. That’s just not you, Kori, you’ve always been too proud.”
He held my gaze, and I felt the heat rise in my neck. I wasn’t sure if it was the fact that this gorgeous man stood before me half naked, or the anger his cockiness provoked in me.
“Maybe I’m not the same person I once was. People change, Reed. Things happen, and things change.” I shrugged as if that was the only explanation needed for my actions.
“I don’t buy it. Under all the hurt and anger you are still the same girl. But for your sake I’ll pretend to go along with your conclusion.”
We stood in his driveway in a silent stand-off. I really wasn’t sure what this man wanted from me. I couldn’t decide if I should say more or just turn and leave. My inner conflict battling its way throughout my mind came to an end when he spoke next.
“I was j
ust about to head over to the lake and do a little fishing. Feel like going out in ‘Old Benny?’” He grinned and his eyes lit up.
“You do not still have that old hunk of junk.” He nodded, and I laughed. “I’m surprised that hunk of metal still floats.”
“You do remember how to bait a hook, don’t ya, city girl?” I could see the playfulness in his eyes, and for a split second I let my guard down. I remembered the playful banter he and I once shared.
Reed was always able to keep me on my toes. He was able to push my buttons like no other and always had the ability to fire me up.
“I can bait a hook just fine, country boy. If you remember back to the old days, I had no problem out fishing your arrogant ass.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “What about prissy little Kimberly, can she bait a hook? Or is she scared to get her nails dirty?”
Jab, yep, I just went there.
He leaned back against the railing along his porch steps and thrust his hands deep into his pockets. “You planning on holding that shit over my head for the rest of my life? I was a kid, Kori, a fucking horny ass kid. I screwed up.” He pushed off the railing and took a few steps in my direction. “I knew the best thing in my life was about to leave and fly thousands of miles away. I knew there was a strong chance that once she got on that plane she would never look back.” Shaking his head, he blew out a deep breath and placed one hand at the back of his neck. Gently pulling on the hair, groaning out in frustration. “I got drunk and fucked up. I will always regret that mistake, Kori. Damn, I gave up not only my best friend that night, but also my girl.”
His eyes were so full of regret and anguish. “I’m sorry, Kori, I am so sorry I hurt you back then. I’m not the same horny teenager. I know now that every action I make has consequences and the ability to hurt the people I care about.” He let his hands drop from his pockets and hang loosely. “Maybe one day you can forgive me.”