by C. A. Harms
I couldn’t speak, my throat burned, and I was scared to try. I could only nod. The tension grew between us with each silent moment that passed. I began nervously twisting my keys in my hands.
“I didn’t come here to fight with you. I shouldn’t have said that.” I kicked at the dirt with my boots.
He shrugged but didn’t say anything.
“I better go. I need to get back to Rhett. I got a lot of things to do around the house.” I stepped back and lifted my hand toward my door handle. “I’ll see ya around.”
Reed nodded in agreement.
Quickly turning around, I crawled into my Escape and fumbled with the keys. After several attempts with shaky hands, I was able to start the car and back down the driveway.
I told myself I wouldn’t allow my emotions to take over. I made a promise I would keep my cool, but I failed. I failed miserably, and the fact that he still had the ability to get under my skin made me angry. Reed was a long time ago. He was my past, and I had no room in my future for a repeat. I had to stay strong, because the last thing I needed was to let myself feel for him again. I couldn’t fall, I refused to.
It was too soon, and my love for Blake was still so strong. It wasn’t fair to me or to any other man who I couldn’t give my all. I was broken, and I wasn’t sure I would or even could ever be fixed.
Reed could be a friend; it was what he offered. I just couldn’t let it be more. It wasn’t a good idea. It would only leave me hurt and more broken.
I would from this point on keep a safe distance and never find myself alone with Reed. If I had others around, the urge to get closer would be easier to tame.
It was for the best, for everyone.
Chapter Twelve
I avoided going to my parents’ house more than I had to. Running into Reed was not an option right now. I still felt it was necessary to keep my distance from him. He made me feel things I wasn’t sure I was ready for.
So, instead of leaving the isolation of my house, I drowned in it, repainting and redecorating. I had gotten the stuff to fix the place up but kept putting it off. Now seemed like the perfect time to drag it back out and get started.
Over the last week, I had exhausted myself daily. Between school and redecorating, I was beat by the end of the day. Things were finally looking more like a home. The old house was actually beginning to look less abandoned, and I had to say I was a bit proud of my accomplishments. I needed some color in my life, and this was a start.
Rhett was playing in the middle of the floor with his tractors pappy had gotten him. He adored those things and refused to play with anything else. He was a farm boy in training.
I flopped down on the recliner and watched as he made crashing noises when ramming them together. I let my eyes fall just slightly as the exhaustion of the day took me over, then lifted my head quickly, startled by the laughter spilling from Rhett.
The sight before me brought tears to my eyes. He stood with nothing bracing him, taking one step and then followed by three more. My hand covered my mouth, and the tears spilled over, coating my cheeks. I didn’t want to startle him, but the overwhelming urge to grab him and hug him tight made it hard. He looked at me with a big smile on his face.
He attempted another step, only to lose his balance and fall back, landing on his padded bottom. He began to whimper, and I took that as my chance to approach him.
Taking him into my arms, I kissed his chubby little cheek. “Look at my big boy. Mommy’s so proud of you, little man.”
I stood in the middle of our living room, rocking Rhett from side to side. He grew excited with my praise and began bouncing in my arms. Placing him on the floor, he once again stood and wobbled on his unsteady legs. With such determination he took another step, and once again I found myself crying with another milestone Blake was unable to be a part of.
Our son was just shy of a year old, and I still had a hard time getting over the idea of Blake not being here to share in these moments.
***
“Guess who took his first steps last night?” I announced as I walked through the back door of my parents’ house.
My momma’s screech of excitement made me laugh, as she pulled Rhett from my arms. “Did my little bug start walking? What a big boy. We need to walk down to the barn and tell Pappy.” I watched as Momma exited the house with Rhett in tow, walking toward the barn.
I followed a few minutes later and found my daddy tossing Rhett up in the air as he giggled. The barn was loaded down with scattered bales of hay that needed to be loaded into the end stall. I began helping Hank drag the bundles; Hank only smiled as I used my legs to drag them toward their destination.
My parents had both wandered off with Rhett, completely forgetting about the task that needed to be finished. They were both completely engrossed in my son. The two of them worshipped the ground he walked on, and it was heartwarming.
Placing my hand on the second bundle, I began dragging it toward the stall. A large, calloused hand gripped the band right next to mine, and my gaze shifted upward.
“Let me help ya.” Reed’s big brown eyes captivate me. I withdrew my hand like the damn thing was on fire from his touch. He winked and lifted the bale like it weighed a mere ounce. The smug bastard chuckled and hiked it up high, trailing off to the last stall. The fact those tight jeans of his hugged his ass perfectly did not go unnoticed by me. I squeezed my fists tightly and turned back toward the front of the barn. I needed some fresh air. These hormones of mine needed to settle down.
Over the next hour, I did everything I could to ignore the snug t-shirt that contoured perfectly to his bulging arms, and those son of bitching thighs of his had me clutching my own tightly.
Once all the hay was sorted, I walked over to the service sink to wash away the dirt and grime from my hands. It was stuck under my nails, and I had to use the scrub brush to work it away.
“What’s wrong, moving to the city take all the country outta ya? You forget how to get dirty, princess?”
I glared up over the side of the gate next to me, and Reed’s face held nothing but amusement. This, of course, only made the anger boil within my chest. This man seemed to have the capability of pissing me off like no other. I thought he knew he held that power as well, since he tended to use it often.
Placing my hand on my hip, I narrowed my eyes a little more. “Don’t you dare call me Princess. I’m not some prissy girl, and you know it. What is it with you trying to piss me off all the time? I thought you wanted to be friends?”
He leaned against the gate and reached out in my direction. Gently, he pulled a piece of straw from my hair and let it drop to the ground. He never spoke a word as his thumb swept over my jaw. The feel of his touch against my skin had my eyes fluttering closed. I didn’t want to enjoy his attention, but it was inevitable.
Our eyes met as he pulled his hand back, and he grinned. “I think the question you need to be asking yourself is why I get under your skin so bad. I don’t think anything I do or don’t do is the problem. I think it’s the feelings they cause in you. Those feelings you can’t seem to control, but you’re fighting so hard to hide.”
He pushed off from the fence and walked off to the barn entrance, leaving me standing there watching his fine ass walk away.
I gritted my teeth and groaned out in frustration. Stomping my feet like one of my students, I kicked at the dirt and shook my hands dry. I needed to get out of here…like now. I spun around and stormed off toward the house. That man irritated me, he drove me insane.
He was wrong, so wrong. I knew what I was feeling, and it was plain old aggravation. Nothing more than a man who made my blood boil. Dumb ass cowboy thought he knew me. He didn’t know me, not anymore.
Chapter Thirteen
It was almost impossible for me to accept that my little guy was a year old in just two days. Where had the time gone? It also meant it had been almost a year since the man who still held my heart was torn from my life.
“We�
�re hanging the blue and green balloons across the front porch, right?” Maria hollered out as she walked out the front door. I nodded without turning to face her. I was staring out into the open field off the edge of my front porch. I found myself doing that a lot lately, daydreaming and losing track of the now.
I felt her hand squeeze my shoulder. “Hey you. Are you okay, honey?”
Turning to face her, I leaned back against the railing behind me, and my eyes met hers. “This is going to be one of the happiest yet hardest days. How can I not smile, seeing my little guy giggling and getting so excited? But in the back of mind I can’t let go of the guilt I hold. It is so unfair that Blake was taken from us. I know I say that all the time, but it’s true. It’s so hard to accept this is the way our lives were meant to be. How can taking a father away from his unborn child be part of God’s plan?” I could no longer see through the tears pooling in my eyes. “I just don’t know how to get over this. I don’t think I ever will.”
“You’re not supposed to get over it. Kori. You and Rhett will never get over your loss. It will forever be embedded in your heart. You won’t get over it, honey, you just need to try your hardest to heal. I can’t sit here and tell you how you should feel. I mean, I could, but that would be so wrong of me. You have to heal at your own pace, your own rate. This is your life, and none of us can act like we even feel an ounce of your pain.” Maria leaned on the railing beside me before continuing. “I can say one thing, though. You are without a doubt one of the strongest people I know. You have suffered such a loss and still find the strength to wake up every day and give your little boy the love he deserves. Every day is a struggle for you, I can see that, but you’ll never give up. You are too amazing for that, Kori.”
I hugged her tightly because her words meant so much. On most days I questioned my life. I questioned if I was enough for Rhett, did I give him what he needed? I tried so hard not to let him see me sad. I saved my down times until long after he went to bed, at least I tried. Today was going to be a hard one, though. Today would definitely be trying. I would have to hold back my grief, for my boy.
I decided today was the best day to celebrate Rhett’s Birthday. With his actual birthday falling on a Monday, it just worked out better. It would only be a small group of people, and my place was big enough to hold those invited.
I had fought with Daddy for over a week before I finally gave in. He told me it was only right to invite Reed. He felt that Reed had developed a closeness with Rhett over the last few months. They had been seeing one another every day at the farm, when he helped Daddy. Apparently my son adored him. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that yet. It was still a little hard to accept.
Hank and his wife Melanie, plus their two kids would be coming. Momma and Daddy, of course. Aunt Maria, and Reed. I invited Ben and Leann as well. She and I had been talking a lot lately. With her baby coming soon, she was getting pretty nervous, and she needed a confidant to share her worries. I was happy to reassure her that things would be fine. She had a strong man standing by her side, Ben worshipped her. You could see it his eyes.
Maria and I were getting the house decorated while Momma took Rhett to town to pick up the cake. The party was only an hour away, and I just hoped I could hold it together until the end. I could collapse later after everyone was gone. I could let all the heartache spill free, alone with my bottle of wine and Blake’s picture.
***
When everyone arrived, except for Reed, I felt a small amount of disappointment. That was until I heard his big truck rolling over the loose gravel fifteen minutes later. I let out a calming breath and turned to watch him crawl from his truck. He was sporting his cowboy boots and hat. Of course his tight fitted t-shirt and thigh hugging faded jeans were part of the package as well. Why did that man have to look so damn good? He made it almost impossible not to stare.
I watched as he walked around to the back of his truck and grabbed a big box from the bed. Sliding it to the opened tailgate, he began to lift it up. Ben quickly stood and met up with Reed just in time to lift the box along with him. It was huge and wrapped in John Deere wrapping paper. I smiled at the gesture. He had obviously gotten to know Rhett. He was a tractor boy.
Reed’s eyes met mine, and I knew my face held a questioning stare. All he did was offer me a shrug in return before heading back to his truck. Grabbing two smaller boxes, he made his way back up the driveway to take a seat alongside Ben. He leaned forward and tickled Rhett’s side to get his attention from his pappy.
The moment Rhett noticed Reed, he practically jumped from my daddy’s embrace. Rhett wrapped his arms around Reed’s neck, and they exchanged a sweet hug that had my throat burning. It was a strange feeling seeing him hold my son, just like the time I had witnessed them together at my parents’ house. The day I acted like a bitch and took my son from him. This time I took it in, every smile every touch. It was a beautiful exchange, yet sad.
Reed’s eyes met mine, and he smiled before lowering Rhett to the ground so he could begin tearing into the gifts that surrounded him. “Dig in, boy, tear it up,” he told Rhett, and everyone laughed. Momma offered a little help while I took photos. Maria had offered to run the camcorder.
With every gift, Rhett grew more excited. His face lit up with each toy he found. When he was down to the last three boxes, the ones Reed had brought, I grew nervous. I watched closely as Momma gently pulled on the edge of the wrapping paper, giving Rhett a place to start. He pulled and laughed, causing everyone around him to chuckle. He was such a happy little guy. Being here with my parents had done him good. He was so loved, and in return he loved big.
I heard my mother squeal and Rhett holler out, “Tac,” as he bounced on his feet. The paper had not yet been torn off completely, so the side facing me was still covered.
Reed came forward out of his chair, onto his knees next to my son. “It’s a tractor, buddy. A tractor bed for a big boy.” Reed’s eyes met mine just as the tear spilled over my cheek. I quickly swept it away and smiled back at him. I was overwhelmed with his kindness.
The other boxes from Reed were opened directly after. I laughed as he placed the tiny cowboy hat onto Rhett’s head. Momma held up the little pair of cowboy boots, and Maria awed. They really were some of the cutest things I had ever seen.
How could I fight against the scene in front of me? Reed wasn’t the same guy he once was. He didn’t owe me anything, and he certainly didn’t owe anything to my son. He was here by choice. He was here because he was a good man with a big heart.
Before I had time to think about it, I walked over and knelt down on the ground next to him. Throwing my arms around his shoulders and pulling him in close, I whispered against his neck, “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, I love this little guy. He and I are buds.” I chuckled against his neck.
Before I pulled back, I placed a soft kiss against his jaw. “You’re a good guy, Reed.”
Seeing everyone around us watching, I pulled back quickly. I stood and brushed off my pants. “So, um, who wants cake?”
I felt the embarrassment of the entire situation take over. I chose to ignore the questioning looks coming from my best friend and went inside to grab the cake. I busied myself with the plates and silverware when I heard the front door open behind me.
“What in the hell just happened?” I should have known I wouldn’t escape the third degree. It was Maria’s way; she left nothing alone.
“I just thanked him, Maria. I’ve been really hard on him since I got back here. He just isn’t who I thought he was. He loves my son, and that in turn gives me no choice but to welcome him into his life. I won’t take anyone else from Rhett’s life. He needs all the love he can get, and Reed obviously has it to give him. They’ve bonded, and yeah, for a moment I was extremely emotional. I’m good with it now.”
I left her standing in my kitchen as I carried out the cake and plates.
For the next two hours we played outside with Rhett and laughed. He w
as stumbling around after the basketball Ben and Leann had gotten him. He was determined to shoot the miniature ball into the little plastic hoop. He giggled every time it rolled past him and he had to chase after it.
As everything slowed down and people started to leave, Maria and I began cleaning up. Rhett was safely tucked in my daddy’s arms as he and Reed carried on about the farm. They were finishing up the remaining part of the fence next week, and then Reed would move on to his next project. It seemed everyone in town loved Reed, and he was the handyman who could fix everything, or so they thought.
My momma said a quick goodbye through the front door, and I turned just in time to watch Reed enter holding Rhett against his chest. My little boy was all tuckered out, and it showed.
I took the few steps to him and held out my arms. “You ready for your bath, sweet boy?” My gaze met Reed’s, and he watched me intensely. He surveyed my eyes, for what, I had no idea. “I’m gonna go wash him up.” As I walked away, I left Maria and Reed alone in the kitchen.
After his bath I put him in his pajamas and walked down the hallway, only to stop when I heard Reed’s deep voice.
“I’m not pushing anything, Maria. I know she’s not ready for anything like that. All I’m offering is friendship. I care about both of them very much. Hell, I never stopped caring about Kori, you know that. That little boy and his momma, well, she’s always had my love. He’s captured it too.” I bit my lower lip as it trembled. “I don’t have an ulterior motive. I’m here because I want to be near them. I don’t expect anything in return.”
“She has a lot of healing left to do. She doesn’t need to be pushed. She doesn’t need anyone taking advantage of her vulnerable state.” Maria’s voice was rigid.
“Thanks for having such faith in an old friend, Maria.” He huffed out sarcastically. “I’m not that guy. You think I would do that to her? Give me just a little credit.”