Golden Torment

by Janelle Taylor

  “It’s very nourishing, my golden torment. Chew on it while we’re traveling. Those snow clouds are moving in fast.”

  He gathered his possessions and placed them on his back. As he reached for hers, she declined, not wishing to be more trouble than necessary. “A backpack gets mighty heavy after a while,” he noted.

  “When and if it does, I’ll give it to you. If I can’t take care of myself, then I shouldn’t be here.” She was delighted and relieved when he didn’t mock her.

  “Suit yourself. Just let me know when and if you need help. I don’t want your stubbornness to slow us down. I’m anxious to get home. Blizzards are deadly, Kat.”

  Kathy apprehensively glanced at the sky, then shivered with cold. This was going to be a very demanding day, and she was determined she wouldn’t be a weakling.

  “Ready?” he asked in suppressed amusement.

  “Lead on, my dashing guide,” she responded.

  At her choice of words, he grinned mischievously and charged, “You certainly have a dangerous way of getting what you want, woman. Looks like I’m your guide whether I want to be or not.”

  “You could always leave me stranded here in these icy wilds,”, she parried. “But then who would share their body heat with you along this glacial journey?”

  “This is the first time I’ve enjoyed such a luxury. I wouldn’t want it to become habit-forming.”

  “Would that be so terrible?” she speculated, pretending to adjust her pack but watching him from beneath lowered lashes.

  “Most assuredly. I go places where no woman should go, sometimes no man. You’d be a deadly distraction in some situations.”

  “I would not!” she objected, defiantly sticking out her chin.

  “I can just see you now, screaming and clinging to me while a pack of starving wolves are tearing after us. I wouldn’t be able to get off a single shot. I’d be so worried about your survival that I’d endanger both of ours. Not to mention having to fight off dozens of love-starved prospectors,” he teased her.

  Kathy had gone white at his first statements. “You mean wolves actually stalk people and eat them?” she asked horrified.

  “It’s been known to happen. If the winter’s harsh and food scarce, they’ll kill and eat anything. But it’s too early for them to be so desperate. But, if they catch sight of such a delectable piece of meat, they might battle me to get it,” he irresistibly added.

  “You’re just teasing me, Landis Jurrell! That’s mean to scare me like that,” she admonished him.

  “Let me warn you; I don’t want any arguments or defiance. When I give an order, you jump. Is that clear?” he demanded gravely.

  “I’ll obey, Master. You don’t have to get so nasty.”

  “Yes, I do, Kat. You’ve got a willful streak a mile long. I don’t want any backtalk. You’re not in civilization anymore. This place has perils you can’t even imagine. If you hesitated for one minute to obey me, you could get us both killed.”

  “Just what are you trying to say, Landis?” she asked, confused.

  “If I say halt, you stop dead in your tracks. If I say run like the wind, you do it. If I say shut your lovely chattering, hush up immediately. Even if the order sounds silly, do it anyway.”

  Kathy stared at him. His mood and look were strange, serious. “Whatever you say, Landis,” she agreed, without understanding why.

  They began to head northward. Within a hundred yards, he halted abruptly and shouted back at her, “Be still and quiet!”

  Instead, Kathy hurried forward to join him and anxiously asked, “What’s wrong?” She glanced around, sighting no danger.

  He whirled around and glared into her expectant, unturned face. “You are, Mrs. Jurrell!” he snarled.

  “Me?” she debated. “What did I do now?”

  “What orders did I give you back there?” he demanded tersely.

  She repeated them. Her bewildered expression told him she didn’t catch his drift. “Did you obey me just now?” he challenged. “I said be still and quiet. Were you?”

  “But I thought something was wrong,” she tried to excuse herself.

  “If something had been wrong, we could be in trouble right now. What if I had seen those men lurking ahead? When I speak, woman, you obey,” he thundered, his voice echoing around them.

  “You don’t have to get so huffy, Mr. Jurrell! I understand completely. I’m not dense!” she yelled back at him, hurt and angry.

  “I’m trying to make sure you reach my cabin, woman. If you don’t react to my commands, you might not.”

  “You wouldn’t leave me out here?”

  “That isn’t what I meant. You don’t seem to grasp the dangers around here, Kat. When you’re in my territory and under my guard, you’ll do as told. I’m not going to see you hurt or killed.”

  “You’ve made your point. Do you have to keep belaboring it?”

  “Not if you really get it. Let’s go,” he snapped imperially.

  Landis walked away. Kathy watched his retreat for a minute before following after him. They walked for nearly one hour before he whirled to his left, drawing his gun and shouting at her, “Hit the ground, Kat!”

  Without the slightest hesitation, she fell flat into the snow and rested her face on her crossed arms. She was still and mute. He smiled, replacing his weapon. He strolled to her and stood looking down at her. “Let’s go, Kat; you did fine that time.”

  She lifted her head and glanced around. Her line of vision included his black boots and arrogant stance. She pushed herself to a sitting position and looked around. His words sank in. Nettled, she glared up at him. “Another test, Mr. Jurrell?” she snippily asked.

  “Next time, it won’t be. I can trust you to react quickly.”

  He leaned over and pulled her to her feet, then began to brush the snow from her clothing. “I can do that myself!” she snapped in rising annoyance, feeling his behavior unjust. “I hope you’re satisfied this time,” she sneered at the domineering rogue.

  “Yep. Sorry you’re upset. That first time you defied my orders. I had to make certain it wouldn’t happen again,” he relented slightly.

  “You’ve already explained how vital it is for me to obey you. I said I would. In case you haven’t noticed before, Mr. Jurrell, I’m a fast learner,” she informed him coolly, her implications clear.

  “You certainly are, Mrs. Jurrell. I won’t have need to test your intelligence and obedience further, so calm down. You’ll need all that energy and spirit today.”

  “You sound just like a Mounty issuing orders,” she protested his bossy attitude and unnecessary harshness.

  “Do I?” he murmured, drilling his gaze into hers.

  “That, or worse. I’ll obey, Sergeant,” she vowed, mockingly saluting him. He frowned and turned away from her.

  He told her to follow him, which she sullenly did: A light snow began to fall, steadily increasing its intent to heavily add another white cover on the ground. Soon, a blanket of fluffy snow covered the crunchy white one as far as the eye could see, gradually pulling at each step taken. Kathy was huffing from her exertions, white mist clouding from her nose and mouth each time she exhaled. She thought she would actually freeze solid if she didn’t get warm soon. Her nose and cheeks felt numb. Her lips felt odd, moving distortedly each time she opened them. Her teeth chattered noisily. Her gloved hands were comfortable, but her thumbs ached with cold. The glacial air plagued her lungs as she fought to breathe without drawing in more of that icy air than necessary.

  Kathy’s legs were exhausted and her back ached. They had trudged in silence, but for the muffled sound of footsteps in the snow and the winds playing in the trees. It had been several hours since their disagreement; neither had spoken and Landis hadn’t even glanced back at her. The trees were covered with snow, their limbs hanging low from the weight of the white intruder upon them. Each time the wind blew briskly, the leaden limbs would seem to shudder in relief and divest themselves of their burd
ens.

  Every so often, Kathy would brush the mounting snow from her hood and shoulders. She didn’t know if it would melt and soak her or if it would freeze and weight her down. For certain, the pack on her slender shoulders weighed enough without Mother Nature adding her load!

  Surrounded by tall trees and falling snow, the approaching white-capped peaks were concealed. Kathy was amazed by the sudden contrasts in this awesome frontier. It was almost an abrupt contradiction of landscape—from towering and magnificent mountains, to perilous gorges, to raging rivers with deadly rapids, to splendid glaciers, to yawning canyons, to forested cliffs and gently sloping hillsides.

  A careless person could tumble into an abyss or fall off a precipitous cliff. He could be cast from his boat into those churning waters and dashed against jagged rocks or pulled into a powerful whirlpool. This land lent itself to a stark reality of the wildness and power of nature, to selfish tragedy and hardships. How much worse could a place be? Why would anyone in his right mind wish to live here? Merely surviving another day was a fierce challenge. Was that it? Did these men savor the danger and adventure here? This life was definitely not for Kathryn Leigh Hammond! But Kathryn Jurrell?

  As Kathy observed Landis’s broad back and masterful movements, she realized he wasn’t having any difficulties at all. But why should he; he was accustomed to the rigid demands of this arduous area. He walked as easily as if he was taking a leisurely stroll on solid ground. The way his strong arms swung at his sides, he obviously wasn’t cold or weary. What an unusual and splendid creature he was! In spite of her resolve, Kathy knew she couldn’t keep up this pace without some rest…

  She had been praying for the last two miles that he would halt and offer her some rest. When it appeared he wasn’t going to reveal any consideration, she knew she must.

  “Landis, wait up, please,” she raggedly called out.

  He halted and turned around. “I need to stop for a while,” she reluctantly informed him.

  He wasn’t breathing hard! How she envied his stamina. “We aren’t making good time, Kat, and the weather’s getting worse. I’ve been walking slowly for you to keep up. Do you really need to stop?”

  “Please let me rest just a minute,” she pleaded. “My back and calves are aching, not to mention my ankles.”

  He scanned her weary face and slumped shoulders. He was pushing her hard, but it was necessary. “Sit on your pack for a little while,” he tenderly relented.

  A radiant smile flickered over her face. “Thanks,” she murmured and dropped on the bundle, sighing heavily. Landis handed her some jerky, which she began to chew, frowning at its taste and texture.

  “Tell me something, Kat; what will you do when you find your father?” he asked from seemingly nowhere, looking off into the trees.

  “I honestly don’t know, Landis. I suppose it depends on how he reacts to seeing me again. I find it hard to believe he even cares about me. I’ve never heard from him. If he learns I’m here searching for him, he might resent my intrusion. He might even avoid me altogether. Who knows, maybe I won’t find him.” She sighed dejectedly, then coughed to clear the lump which had formed in her throat.

  Landis was deeply moved by the anguish and uncertainty written in her sad eyes and on her somber face. “If he’s here, we’ll locate him; I promise you that, love. If not, you have me.” He squatted before her to gently massage her calves and thighs.

  She smiled at him. She warmed to that tender streak which was showing again. “What if he doesn’t wish to be found? What if he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me? He might not even like me if we do meet. Maybe he feels like you do,” she unwittingly accused.

  “And how do I feel, Kat?” he asked for clarification, halting his movements, his gaze locking with hers.

  “You like being alone and carefree. You don’t want to be saddled with responsibilities,” she reiterated his previous statements.

  “I think it’s a wee bit late for both of us to feel that way, Kat. Jake did get married and have a child. Whether he wants them or not, he has responsibilities to you,” he asserted confidently.

  “What if he decided he made a terrible mistake, one he feels he’s corrected by abandoning me? He doesn’t even know my mother’s dead. For all I know, he could care less that’s she’s dead and I’m alone,” she reasoned, bitterness lacing her words. “Maybe he feels he doesn’t owe me anything. He left us plenty of money and surely he knows I’m of age now. I used to think that maybe he fell in love with someone and ran off with her. After all this time, it wouldn’t seem impossible for him to have another woman. As you told me before, a man doesn’t have to marry the woman he loves.”

  “I’m not like other men, Kat; you can’t compare me to them or to your father. How do you know your mother didn’t drive him away?”

  Kathy was suffused with anger. “How can you say something like that? You didn’t even know my mother. She was beautiful and charming. She was witty and intelligent. She came from a very good family. She loved him. She waited around for his return until she died. My father’s cruel and selfish. I hope I don’t find him!” she exploded.

  “Then why don’t you leave this wilderness and go home?” he reasoned in a curious tone, waiting tensely for her reply.

  “I don’t have a home, except the cabin. Mother-sold the house in Washington before we started looking for Papa. I don’t have any kin either. Just where do you suggest I go, and do what? Are you eager to be rid of me, Mr. Jurrell?”

  “Look at yourself, Kat. You don’t belong in a rough place like this,” he chided, tugging at her defiant chin.

  “Where do I belong now, Landis?” she asked sadly.

  “Someday with me, Kat,” he gave a reply she didn’t wish to hear.

  “I wish I knew you, Landis. First, you ask me to play around. Then, you suddenly marry me. Now, you practically demand I leave Alaska and the Yukon. What do you want from me?”

  “Right now, I don’t have the right to ask anything, Kat.” He pulled her to her feet and turned her around. Slipping his hands under her clothes, he briefly worked on sore muscles near her waist.

  “Will you ever?” she pressed for a clearer answer, turning.

  After a lengthy silence, he looked her straight in the eye and stated, “Several times you’ve accused me of misleading you and taking advantage of you in moments of distress; I won’t do that again, if I can prevent it. I can’t make you any promises until I can keep them. I can tell you one thing; if I were Jake Hammond, I could never have deserted my wife and child. We better get going,” he quickly added, vexed at having revealed such sensitive feelings.

  “You’re afraid to reach out to me, aren’t you? You’re afraid I’ll threaten that freedom and privacy you love so dearly. Every time you start to relax around me and share a part of yourself with me, it makes you stiff with panic. You don’t have to worry, Landis; I’m not going to entrap you. If any bond ever develops between us, it will have to come from you first. I won’t pressure you or use feminine wiles on you. But you owe me more than future promises. If you keep pushing me away every single time, one day I might not be there when and if you change your mind,” she gently warned.

  They stared at each other. “Are you threatening me, Kat?” he demanded, his tone laced with an emotion she couldn’t read.

  “No, Landis, just giving you fair warning.”

  “It isn’t necessary. I know what I have to gain or lose.” He turned when she didn’t respond. He loaded his pack and placed it over his shoulders. “You ready for me to carry that pack now?”

  “I’m doing just fine. You needn’t trouble yourself.”

  “Fine. Let’s go.” Once more the depressingly endless silence and torturous walking began.

  Landis fell into deep and moody reflection. There were countless hardships and perils in this vast, bitter land. Suffering and strife were intimate companions to many of these men, sometimes including himself. Every day he challenged danger and fate t
o control his own destiny, one threatened by more than a few enemies and forces. Most of the men who came here were fools to believe Alaska and the Yukon were generously offering their golden dreams without costly prices.

  Like Kathy, he had an elusive search of his own to carry out. Conquering this frozen earth would probably be easier than what he had to master. In his day, he’d found lots of gold. But Kathy was a special treasure, like a nugget of rare worth. He called her face to mind: eyes of richest and clearest sapphire, complexion like creamy white pearls, hair as golden as the treasure most men sought here.

  But the timing was all wrong. All of his life, adventure had been his first love, danger and excitement ruling most of his days. As he’d told Kathy once before, love was like gold, charming dreamers, taking away their freedom and clear wits. Yet, on every turn, there she was at his side again, accepting his unspoken challenge to prove him wrong, to tame his strong will, to remove his tightly controlled loneliness. Harriet had been right; Kathy was changing. She wasn’t that starry-eyed, innocent, vulnerable girl he’d met that first day. She was strong, resourceful, and resilient now. Was he mostly responsible for her changes, to blame for others?

  She’d become very much a woman since coming here, molded in some ways by the hardships and despairs she’d encountered. From their first meeting, he’d been open and honest about his feelings. Even knowing such things, she had daringly offered her heart and body to him. But each time he was compelled to slow down things between them, he was hurting her without meaning to do so. Sometimes he could read the defeat and bitterness in her lovely eyes, though she fiercely tried to hide them. Surely she loved him and wanted him?

  Was he being a fool? What if he did push too hard once too often? What if she used up her store of dreams and tears, of patience and sharing? You are my golden torment, Kat, he thought. I want you, and I can’t relent just yet. Two others have died trying to carry out this job. I can’t risk involving you or allowing you to be hurt more. I’ve got to locate Jake Hammond, and get you back to Skagway where you’ll be safe until this situation is settled.