Lenny
It was a perfect day for baseball. Sunny, but not too hot. A baseball cap would have done the trick of blocking the glare, but Lenny had traded his ball cap for a bandana. He could regret it all he wanted. There was no going back. He didn’t want to look like a hippy with no resolve. He climbed the bleacher easily and took his regular seat up top. A few people nodded at him and he squinted back, suspicious. Let any one of these fuckers say something to him and he’d be all over it. But as the ump called the first pitch, all eyes were on the game and he relaxed. You had to love sports fans. They didn’t get hung up on stupid family dramas. There was drama enough on the field.
Wild pitch across the plate and, whoa, the batter swung! A chorus of groans went up from the other bleacher. A few men on the home side glanced back at Lenny with rueful smiles and he flushed with pleasure. That never happened when Lenny Van Sloeten was on the mound. That kid had the best aim in the county. That’s what they were thinking. He’d heard the praise often enough. Back then. Now he was just another know-it-all in the crowd.
Lenny sighed and stretched out his legs. It was the last game of the summer league, and though none of the teams were much good, he wished it weren’t ending. Who knew where he’d be by the time the spring season started? If he didn’t get out of town soon he might just take a bat to Voss’ head. Jesus! He still couldn’t think of that prick as Sally’s father. What was next? What other bomb was about to drop? The fact that Voss had bailed him out of jail made him all the angrier. Voss probably thought he was paying his dues, somehow. Don’t do me any favors, fucker. Man, oh man! He’d like to pop him one! Instead he’d have to keep his cool for another three weeks, until his parole was up. What would it be like working for the creep? Living practically under his roof? Lenny couldn’t bear to think of it.
He started tapping his leg as the pitcher wound up. He was feeling the wind up too. He ached for the release of the ball, the complete exhalation of the follow through, the precise placement of the ball over the plate. It was better than sex. At least the sex he’d had, which wasn’t much.
He had to get out. Tune in, turn on, drop out. The hippy thing was the only thing for him. He longed for some peacefulness. Something spiritual that wasn’t all twisted up in religion. And the free love sounded good too. Imagine people loving him, no questions asked. Imagine him loving back. Then there was the drug thing. He didn’t care much about that, but he supposed he’d try it if he had to. He needed a good mind-bending. Mind, body and soul.
Just three more weeks!
Fly ball to center field. Easy out. The Brunswick Pins were down one run. As he watched them take the field he saw a skinny guy with long stringy hair leaning against the fence. Cash. Great. Should he go talk to him? What would he do, tap him on the shoulder? Hey, heard you had my sister out all night. He’d sound like an idiot. Like some middle-aged square. Better to let his reputation speak for itself. He’d give him a good cold glare if he happened to look over. Yeah, that’s right. Mess with my sister and I’ll mess you up good. He corrected himself. Half-sister.
Lenny was so focused on watching Cash that he barely noticed as the bleacher rocked and a man came thumping over and stopped right next to him. Annoyed, he looked up. It was his dad.
“What are you doing here?” Lenny asked, surprised.
Richard motioned with his head for Lenny to move over. There was plenty of room on Lenny’s right side, but Richard wanted to sit on his left. The side of his good ear. Jesus, he remembers!
“Came to watch a ball game, same as you.”
For a moment Lenny was too stunned to move. He actually remembers! Then he caught himself.
“Go find another one. I was here first.”
But Richard pushed him with his leg. “Scoot,” he said. “I’m not leaving.”
So Lenny moved and Richard sat down.
“You got some grand plan to humiliate me now?” Lenny asked.
“Nah. I’m finished.” Richard smiled. “I don’t think I’ll ever top my last performance.”
“It’s real funny to you, ain’t it?”
“Not at all. It’s shameful.”
But Lenny didn’t detect any remorse in his dad’s voice. He made a disgusted noise and moved away.
“Where were you, anyway?” Richard asked. “I didn’t see you at the festivities.”
“Why would I be at a Father/Daughter banquet?”
“I thought Voss had you imprisoned in the basement.”
Lenny snorted again. He didn’t want to talk about that night, or even think about it. If he had stayed at the church the way he was supposed to, he might have stopped his dad from grabbing the microphone. Or maybe stopped Sally from taking off with Cash. It was just that, well, when he saw the two of them coming down the sidewalk, his dad decked out in a suit, Sally glowing and grinning from ear to ear, it made him feel soft. Feeling soft scared him. So he went home. He missed his own room. He missed his mom. He figured if everyone was busy with the banquet, no one would notice he wasn’t at the church. His mom would be home alone. Maybe they could sit in the kitchen together and play a hand of gin rummy.
Except the house had been empty. He fell asleep on the couch with the TV on and woke to his mom and Nell shaking him and throwing the whole story in his face like cold water. So he didn’t need his dad asking where were you? He already knew he’d screwed up. Again.
“What about you?” Lenny shot back. “We were out half the night looking for Sally, without any help from you.”
“She didn’t want me finding her.” He cracked his knuckles. “No, I went back to my lady friend. We shared a bottle of Jack and passed out on the couch.” He gave Lenny a wry smile. “Good times,” he said, and Lenny heard the sorrow. He ignored it.
“Why are you still here?” he asked.
Richard pretended to study what was happening on the field. “Well,” he finally said, “I was thinking about staying around.”
“What for?” Lenny couldn’t ignore the sudden thud of his heart.
“Maybe try to iron things out.”
“How exactly would you do that?”
“Guess I’d start by staying around.”
As if it were so easy! Lenny’s old churned-up feeling was back, a stomach stew of anger and confusion. He hated it. Mostly he hated the part of him that perked up at those words. Exasperated, he threw his hands in the air.
“If you want to get all fatherly, you might want to check out that kid over there. That’s who Sally was with Saturday night.”
Richard squinted. “Sure, I know Cash. He plays for Hamilton.” Then, like an afterthought, “We work together now.”
“What?”
“I’m helping out at the Texaco.” Richard raised his hand and waved. Lenny saw Cash hesitate, then wave back, self-conscious.
“What are you doing?” Lenny hissed, yanking Richard’s arm down. “He’s the reason I’m on parole!”
“Yeah, I know all about that too.”
“Anything you don’t know?” Lenny said, trying to hide his embarrassment with sarcasm. Who was living his life anyway? Him or his dad? Lenny didn’t need Richard horning his way in on everything, or acting all buddy-buddy with Cash DeVries.
“I suppose I’m wondering what your plans are, now that you’re off the hook with Voss.”
“I’m still working off my sentence.”
It was his dad’s turn to snort. “What kind of a fool are you? Voss is gone. There’s nobody to hold you to that deal.”
Lenny had the uncomfortable sense that he’d been seeing only the shadow of things —dim, dancing patterns on a wall. Then someone flipped the lights. “Gone? Where?”
“Who cares? He cleared out this morning.”
Lenny frowned as he worked out the possibility. He’d slept until noon in the glorified closet that had been his room since June. Neither Voss nor Mrs. Dekker the church secretary had woken him. There had been no list of odd jobs left on the supply closet. Could he really be
off the hook? He glanced at his dad but when he saw the way Richard was studying him, awaiting his reaction, he looked quickly away.
“Did you really think he’d wait to see if they fired him?” Richard said.
Lenny hesitated. “It’s not just him. The court says—”
“Fuck that! You’re done. Believe me. You served your time.”
Lenny would love to believe that. “How do you know Voss took off?”
“I was at the Texaco. I saw him myself, bright and early, loading up his car. I yelled over hello, real friendly-like, and he flipped me off.” Richard chuckled. “Slouching towards Bethlehem,” he said.
Lenny gave him a blank look.
“Yeats,” Richard said.
Lenny shrugged, his thoughts already elsewhere. If Voss was gone, would the police know that Lenny hadn’t worked off his bail? Probably not. Which meant no more mopping floors or polishing pews while the stained glass Jesus stared down at him with that resigned look that said when will you stop disappointing me? No more sharpening all those tiny little pencils that went inside the guest registration pads. No more of Voss asking him in that mealy-mouthed way would you mind doing this, or that, when any idiot could see that of course he minded. He hated every minute of it. But now! It was like a weight lifting. He was free to go!
But where? Back home? That’s when it hit him.
“What about Sally?”
Richard frowned. “Yeah, she’s a nice kid. She doesn’t deserve this.”
Lenny blinked. “What? To have her dad walk out on her? Take it from me, it’s no big deal.” He saw his dad’s jaw clench.
“So you say.”
“That’s right,” Lenny snapped. “What would you know about it, anyway?”
“It’s just a tough break for her, is all. Getting that kind of news.”
Sally! Was everything about Sally now?
“She’ll be fine,” he mumbled.
“Sure. But I was thinking. If I stay around, well… it might help her if we just, you know, ignore the whole Voss thing.”
“Are you saying you don’t believe it?”
“I believe it all right. But we don’t have to let old peckerwood ruin our family.”
Now Lenny laughed. “Right. You took care of that a long time ago.”
Richard looked at him. “You know, you could cut me some slack here. I’m making an effort.”
“It’s a little late, don’t you think?”
“Is it?” Richard studied him, then threw his hands up. “Listen, what do you want from me?”
Lenny wasn’t going to answer. He focused on the ball game but couldn’t seem to figure out what was going on. “Okay,” he said after a moment. “I wonder how you could let that happen, with mom and Voss.”
“You mean why didn’t I know that my God-fearing wife was fucking her pastor? Jesus, I’m stupid!”
“I’m not saying it’s not mom’s fault.”
“Goddamn right! I’m tired of being the bad guy. Now you see I’m not the only one made mistakes.”
See it, maybe. Admit it, never. “Yeah, you deserve a medal.”
Richard was getting hot. “Maybe I do. And in case you’re wondering, you are my kid. No doubts there.”
“Too bad, ain’t it?”
Richard stood up. “You’re a goddamn smart ass, aren’t ya?”
People were looking. Here we go, Lenny thought. He clenched his teeth. “I’m watching the game,” he said to his dad. Stony cold. But he was starting to sweat too. Please, please don’t do this. Not here. “Sit down. Or leave.”
Richard hesitated, then sat. He leaned forward on his knees and chewed his lip. They both stared at the field.
“I’m not apologizing for nothing,” Richard said suddenly.
“What a surprise,” Lenny muttered. He could be a son of a bitch too. It was his nature, and was it any wonder? It got old, though. He wished he could find a way to talk to his dad that wasn’t all sniping, but how? And what was the use anyway? What could his dad possibly say? Sorry kid, I just had better things to do. Sorry I found you so damn boring. Lenny didn’t even need specifics. Something general would do. Sorry for the way things went down. Why couldn’t he say that?
“You know, you kids want everything zipped up neat-like. That’s how your mom has always been, expecting God to show her the way, like he’s holding up some sign in black and white. In my opinion, God don’t care that we fuck things up. Most times you get along by the seat of your pants.”
“Thanks for the pearls of wisdom,” Lenny said, bracing for his dad’s anger. Why did he keep smart mouthing? He didn’t want to do it. He agreed with him, that was the thing. But he wasn’t about to say so. His dad didn’t deserve to have it easy.
But Richard didn’t erupt. Figures. There was no predicting anything with this guy. He must practice wearing a person down, that’s how good he was at it. Lenny had never felt so confused.
“Well, nice chatting,” Lenny said. “I’m outta here.”
Richard grabbed his arm. “Hold on there. Watch this play.”
Lenny nearly slapped his hand away. People didn’t grab him. They knew better. He checked himself and then allowed Richard to pull him back into his seat. What was wrong with him? Where did this fucking weakness come from? He couldn’t seem to make a move.
“That weaselly guy shouldn’t be starting,” Richard was saying. “He doesn’t have any kind of arm on him.”
Lenny scoffed. Here at least he had some confidence. “His ERA is 3.6.”
“That’s not much better than you.”
“How would you know?”
“I followed your season. I read about that last game. Tough break.”
Lenny had a quick image of his dad sitting somewhere with a paper spread in front of him, reading about his son. If only he had known! He might have played better.
“I choked,” he said.
Richard smiled at him. “Happens to the best.”
Lenny looked away. “That’s all over now.”
Richard nudged him with his elbow. “You can’t just let it go. You’ve got talent. Why don’t you coach?”
“Who’s going to hire a coach with a police record?”
“You didn’t kill anyone, for chrissake. One assault charge. That’s nothing.”
“You speaking from experience?”
“Maybe.”
Lenny studied him. “You kill someone?”
Richard raised his eyebrows. “What would you think if I did?”
Jesus! Was he serious? Was this where all his own murderous tendencies came from?
Richard laughed. “Nah, but I’ve been arrested four times. Two D & D’s, two assaults. None of them were my fault. I’m just unlucky that way.”
Lenny wanted to know more about his dad’s life, but he wouldn’t let himself ask. He told himself it didn’t matter. He was eighteen now and had his own life to live.
“Anyway, I’m leaving town,” he said.
“That so? Where you headed?”
“New Buffalo first,” Lenny said. “There’s a farm down there.”
“Aw shit!” Richard slapped his leg. Lenny looked quickly around the field. Did he miss a bad play? But Richard wasn’t reacting to the game. He was looking at Lenny with exasperation.
“You’re not into that crap, are you?”
“What?”
“Communal living. That red belly commie stuff. Is that what the bandana’s all about?”
Lenny touched his head self-consciously. “It’s not about anything. I’m just looking for somewhere to work, away from here.”
“Yeah, I know all about the place. And I hate to bust your bubble, but there’s an outbreak of hepatitis down there.”
“How would you know?”
“You say that a lot, you realize that? You think I’m some dumb shit who’s been living in a cave or something? I know a thing or two about life. More than you’ll ever know.”
“Jesus, cool it.” He never should have sa
id anything. Being a hippy was just something you did, and then you were cool. You didn’t announce it in advance. Hey, I think I’ll be a hippy! Like I’m going to be an accountant, or lawyer.
“For your information, I was just through there on my last trip up from Michigan City. They’re not taking any newcomers. The place will be gone before winter.”
Lenny tried to look unfazed. Leave it to his dad to ruin his plans even when they didn’t involve him. “I’ll head to Chicago then,” he said finally. “Plenty of work there.”
“Plenty of rioting and head busting, too.”
Lenny glared. “I guess I’ll go where I want to go.”
“Well which is it, a commune or the big city? Sounds like you don’t know what you want.”
“Like you do? All the sudden you want your little family back? You want Sally to pretend she’s your kid? Man, that’s outta whack.”
There was a long pause. “Don’t I know it,” Richard said, hanging his head.
Something close to pity tugged at Lenny. He tried to put the brakes on it, but it went spooling out, like a thread winding around them.
“So I guess you’ll be gone by the time the series starts,” Richard said.
“Maybe.”
“Too bad. ‘Cause if the Tigers go all the way, I’m guaranteed two tickets to game three in Detroit.” He let loose a big shit-eating grin.
Lenny squinted at him. “No way.”
“Why don’t you come with me?”
“How would you get tickets?”
“I’ve got friends. And there’s other people I can ask, too, so you want to go or what?”
The World Series! With his dad. This was what he’d dreamed of as a kid. The two of them behind home plate, their scorecards in their hands, his dad raising a folded dollar bill for the hot dog vendor. Two here! But that was back when he still believed in his dad. He knew better now.
“I might have to work at the marina,” he said cautiously. “I’ve been pulling some shifts there. Scrubbing down boats.”
“Well, you can either work for the lazy fat fucks who can’t take care of their own goddamn boats, or you can come watch McLain throw another shut-out.”
Lenny shook his head. Imagine seeing Denny McLain in the flesh! Being that close to something so great, well, it’d change his life. “Why you asking me?”
Hello Loved Ones Page 27