by Aj Estelliam
‘Alright,’ I replied. I had been clearly told off, I thought to myself. ‘Shall I show you how to make this lasagne then?’
‘Yeah...I’m starving.’
‘Me too…so, we start here…’
Jess and I worked side by side in the kitchen, assembling the ingredients and then chopping, cooking and making the final dish. When it was all together, we put it in the oven and cleared up. We made a good team and worked alongside each other well.
As it was cooking, we went to sit on the sofas in the lounge adjacent to the kitchen. As the home was so small, the kitchen and lounge were one big room and so we didn’t have far to go.
We sat down on the sofas and Jess looked at me curiously.
‘What?’ I asked her.
She shrugged, ‘Nothing.’
‘No, you wanted to ask me something…go ahead!’
‘Nah…this is work. It’s best we don’t get personal and start chatting…’
‘Good God, no! That would be truly awful!’ I said sarcastically. ‘It would be absolutely horrible to actually make a friend in the midst of all of this, wouldn’t it?’
‘You’re making fun of me.’
‘Just a little,’ I said, smiling a little. ‘You’re so damn professional,’ I complained. ‘When do you let go and just be Jess?’
She looked confused. ‘Never.’
‘Never? That’s very sad. You don’t ever have down time, when it’s just you doing things you enjoy?’
‘I enjoy my job,’ she told me, frowning.
‘No-one enjoys their job,’ I muttered.
‘I do! It’s everything to me…’
‘And what about a personal life?’ I questioned.
‘I don’t have one,’ she said simply.
‘Really? Why not?’
‘Because I’m married to the job. Besides, no-one would put up with me. I work unsociable hours, I am never free and available and I don’t do serious relationships.’
I smiled at her.
‘What?’ she frowned.
‘You’d like to,’ I murmured, not wanting to rile her.
‘Stop listening to my thoughts,’ she groaned, clearly frustrated with me.
‘I won’t have to if you speak to me honestly! Goodness sake! Have you an idea how many people are big, fat liars, Jess!’
‘Yeah!’ she smirked. ‘I’m a police officer!’
‘Yeah, well it sucks.’
‘Of course it does.’
‘I wake up with this and the first voice I hear is my partner thinking about her girlfriend.’
Jess visibly stiffened and her eyes flew to mine. ‘Partner?’
‘Yeah…she was sat there in the hospital bed and when I opened my eyes she wasn’t looking my way. She was sat there thinking-I knew because her mouth wasn’t moving and there was no voice. She sat there thinking about the amazing sex she was having with this other woman and how she didn’t want to be encumbered with a cripple with brain damage.’
‘That’s awful,’ Jess commented, her forehead in a deep frown.
‘Tell me about it!’
‘What did you do?’
‘I broke up with her immediately!’ I exclaimed, passionately. ‘I’m not putting up with that!’
‘So, uh…you’re…’ she trailed off and looked away, seemingly embarrassed.
‘Gay?’
She looked back at me and said nothing.
‘Yeah…of course,’ I said.
She moved a little in her seat and looked uncomfortable.
‘Why does that make you uncomfortable?’ I wondered.
She shrugged and looked away, avoiding my eyes.
‘I’ll be able to hear the answer anyway,’ I warned.
She looked back at me rapidly. ‘I just…maybe it would be better if you weren’t,’ she murmured at last.
My eyes flew to hers but I realised she didn’t mean it as an insult. She had no problem with being gay. Her problem was that she had been hoping I wasn’t. It would be one way to ignore the attraction she was feeling towards me.
‘Well, I’m not changing my ways this late in life,’ I told her. ‘You’ll just have to get used to it.’
‘You seem very at ease with it,’ she said then, her voice quiet and sombre.
‘What, you’re not?’ I frowned.
Her beautiful green eyes with the flecks of brown flew to mine. ‘Why would you say that?’
‘Oh, come on!’ I exclaimed. ‘You’re not going to deny that you’re not gay, right?’
She avoided my eyes for a minute.
‘Are you not out, Jess?’
One look told me I was correct.
‘But…why? You must be about my age?’
‘There’s just no need to do all that,’ she said. ‘It’s like I said a while ago-I don’t have a personal life.’
I frowned. ‘What, like ever?’
‘Well, nothing serious anyway…’
‘What about not serious? Do you have any of those?’
‘Perhaps…when the need arises,’ she said softly. ‘But I tend to just live to work.’
‘How sad.’
‘It’s not ‘how sad!’ Alex! I told you-I enjoy my job! It’s everything to me.’
‘So, you don’t want anything else out of life? You want to be a police officer for years and years and then die?’ I asked, perturbed.
‘That’s a cheery thought,’ she quipped. ‘I just…I don’t know…’ she said, looking away.
I listened for her thoughts but they weren’t clear and were moving towards food and hunger. ‘I don’t get you,’ I said, a little huffily.
‘Maybe I don’t get you either. It doesn’t matter though, because once this is over, you’ll go back to your lovely little world and I’ll go back to working as always.’
I stared at her and held her eyes for longer than she was comfortable with. ‘You’re just scared. And my ‘little world’ is far from perfect, I’ll have you know. I’m currently thirty-one, living with my parents, recovering from a major brain injury and have broken up with my partner. I wouldn’t call that living the dream.’
To my surprise, she smiled. And then laughed.
‘What’s so funny?’ I demanded.
‘You,’ she laughed. ‘You’ve cheered me up now.’
‘Why’s that? Why is my misery funny to you?’
‘I’m not laughing because you’re miserable, Alex. I’m laughing because you’re about as screwed up in life as I am.’
‘Oh,’ I mumbled, sitting back on the sofa hard. ‘Well, I’m glad to be of service.’
‘Can we eat now? I’m so hungry!’
‘Yeah, come on…it should be ready.’
We both rose and headed to the kitchen.
At the table, we dug into the lasagne with gusto. We ate in silence for a few moments and I didn’t even hear thoughts. When I did, after several quiet minutes, it made me smile.
‘What are you smiling about?’ she asked, eyeing me with caution.
‘Nothing.’
‘Oh, go on. What have I been thinking now?’
‘You tell me,’ I smiled.
‘No…I don’t know…’
‘It just made me smile…you were thinking how nice this was-simple pleasures and all that-sharing dinner with someone after a long day. You were feeling cosy and content.’
‘No, I wasn’t!’ she denied.
‘Yes, you were. I was too though, so don’t worry. It’s nice to have company; even though I didn’t want any.’
‘Why didn’t you want any company? Surely it’s kind of cool to be able to hear people’s thoughts?’
‘Not at all,’ I told her, shaking my head. ‘It’s awful. Imagine a crowded room full of people talking and all that noise…now add to that ten times on top of the voices. That’s what it’s like. The trouble is that thoughts tend to run off on tangents too, so my poor head is all over the place!’
‘Hmm…so why Scotland?’
‘Because there�
��s less people here,’ I said, flatly.
‘That’s why I came here,’ she replied, with a humourless laugh.
‘Where were you from before?’ I asked gently, hoping she’d answer me this time.
‘Down south…’ she said vaguely.
‘Ah…that explains your lack of Scottish accent.’
She nodded. ‘It would.’
‘And do you live alone up here.’
‘Yeah…and you?’ she asked.
‘Well, before the accident I was living with my partner. Since waking up and breaking up with her, I’ve been staying with my parents. They took care of me in the early days and also, I didn’t want to go back to the flat. After this week, I’ll need to find a new place to live.’
‘Oh…sorry.’
I shrugged. ‘I think in the long run I’ll be happier…’
‘Why’s that?’
‘Because I wasn’t that happy with her in the first place.’
‘No? How come?’
‘Because we didn’t match that well. We didn’t…I don’t know, spark I guess. We argued a lot too. I don’t like that kind of relationship so when I realised she enjoyed that kind of thing, it did put me off.’
‘Why didn’t you break up with her then?’ she asked.
‘Exactly! But hindsight is a wonderful thing,’ I commented.
‘It is…’
I began eating again as we fell silent. The food was delicious and I was finding her company really enjoyable. It was strange; in the midst of tragedy and chaos, I had found a glimpse of happiness.
Chapter 9
We ate and then washed up; Jess washing and me drying. When we were done, we headed into the adjoining lounge slowly, with clear lack of purpose.
‘What do you want to do now?’ Jess asked, frowning slightly.
‘I don’t know. What do you want to do?’
She shrugged. ‘It’s up to you. I’m just here to watch you.’
‘Oh,’ I murmured. ‘That doesn’t seem fair.’
‘Are you tired?’
‘No…not quite yet. Unless you are?’
‘I’m fine,’ she said, sitting down on one of the sofas.
‘Good. Maybe we could chat?’ I suggested hopefully.
‘I don’t really ‘chat.’’
‘We’ve been chatting all evening!’
‘Well yeah…but that’s just because…’ she trailed off.
‘Because you had no other choice?’ I laughed, hearing her thought. I threw back my head and chuckled at her thinking. She was certainly unique. ‘Oh Jess!’
‘What?’ she said, frowning at my reaction.
‘Well, don’t you think this could be nice? I mean, how often do you meet other lesbians who you could sit around and chat to?’
This time she smiled. ‘Alex, I’m a police woman. Most of the women I work with are gay.’
‘Oh,’ I said, slightly disappointed. ‘Are they?’
‘Yeah…or married with kids. One or the other generally. Still, I’m not short of lesbians to ‘chat’ to. It’s just not me.’
‘So, this mass of lesbians you work with…do you talk with them? Maybe date any of them?’ I asked her, curiously.
She shook her head. ‘Nah…it’s work.’
‘Never even been tempted?’ I questioned.
‘Sure. There was one…early on when I first came up here. We kind of got involved but then it was really difficult when the relationship ended. I realised mixing work and personal life is a really bad idea.’
‘I guess…’
‘I’m not looking for a relationship, Alex.’
I looked up at her. ‘I didn’t say you were.’
‘No, I know…I was just, uh…making that clear.’
I lowered my lashes a little.
‘What?’ she said, in a softer tone.
I looked away, feeling sad.
‘Alex?’
‘I could just use a friend right now, Jess. Even if you’re a temporary one. I know you’re here to ‘guard me,’ I said, using my fingers to make quote marks, ‘but it would be nice if you could just treat me as a friend. I’m going through a lot! I feel like I’m going crazy with the voices in my head and I’ve just been through an accident and a break-up. I feel alone,’ I finished, bleakly.
‘You’re not alone,’ she told me.
I met her eyes. ‘So, maybe we could be friends? While I’m here, at least?’
She nodded slowly. ‘Sure…why the hell not?’
I smiled, feeling more content. ‘Good. I feel happier now.’
‘I’m glad. Now, come on-you’re the decision maker. What do you want to do?’
‘I’m feeling more tired now, actually. I noticed there is a TV on the wall in the bedroom. Maybe a program and then bed?’
‘Okay,’ she nodded.
‘And you’re planning on sleeping beside me?’ I said, already knowing how she would answer.
‘Yeah…I have to.’
‘Don’t sound too keen!’ I laughed.
She shrugged. ‘Just doing my job. Sleep is when we are most vulnerable. We have to be ready.’
‘I think we’re safe. I would know if we’re weren’t.’
‘I wouldn’t trust that one hundred percent. Rather be safe than sorry.’
‘I suppose,’ I said, rising to my feet.
She followed suit and we headed out of the room. I padded upstairs with her behind me and made my way into the bedroom. In the small bedroom, I suddenly felt uncomfortable. It was a small room and the double bed didn’t look particularly roomy. In fact, it looked small. I knew there would be times when our limbs would come into contact; it was inevitable.
‘I can sleep on the floor,’ Jess said, reading me well.
‘No, no…I mean, it’s not the easiest situation but it’ll be fine.’
‘Well, you get comfy on the bed. I’m just going to pull this chair up for now,’ she told me.
That made me more settled at once. I got onto the bed and turned on the TV with the remote. I found a drama and started watching it, aware of Jess sat on a chair she had pulled up by the side of the bed. She leant back comfortably and reclined a little. I stole glances at her occasionally and couldn’t help but notice the tiny details about her. She was stunning, I thought. So, very gorgeous. Her features were strong and she had a good bone structure but it was her eyes and mouth which really appealed to me the most. Her eyes were even more vibrant than they had been in my dreams and her mouth was full, plump and so, very kissable.
I tore my gaze away and told myself to settle down. She wasn’t interested. She had made that very clear. I knew by her thoughts that she found me attractive in a physical sense but in every other way, she didn’t want to get involved.
As I lay on the bed, watching the detective drama, I tried to relax. The trouble was, I couldn’t…not with Jess beside me. She was distracting to me, and I was unwilling to analyse why too deeply.
‘What a load of crap,’ she uttered, surprising me.
‘Huh?’
‘This show…it’s so unrealistic.’
‘You would know. It’s got to appeal to viewers, remember? We can’t all be hardened police officers like yourself!’
‘No,’ she chuckled, laughing to herself.
I smiled at the transformation of her face for a moment and then it hit me. Full force, without warning, the images flashed before me in an instant.
Terror, panic and utter helplessness as he overpowered me. I couldn’t help myself. I screamed.
In a second, Jess was there, holding my arms and calming me. I whimpered and cried as the torture continued. It played itself out in my mind and I couldn’t ‘unsee’ the images anymore. I cried and rocked myself until she pulled me into her arms. I shuddered as more tears slipped down my cheeks.
The images faded as the scene finished. I was left a quivering wreck, held safe in Jess’ arms. She held me, without talking, without questions for a long time. When I finally stilled and took a d
eep breath, she sat back and looked at my tear-streaked face.
‘What the hell was that?’ she asked, her voice unsteady.
I shook my head, afraid to tell her.
‘Alex? What did you see?’
‘No.’
‘Come on Alex…that was intense…I could practically see you seeing something awful…’
‘You don’t want to hear it.’
‘Yes, I do,’ she argued.
‘No, you don’t.’
‘Why wouldn’t I want to hear it?’ she questioned, frowning at me, her face close to mine.
‘Because what I was seeing was you!’ I exclaimed emphatically.
Shock registered on her face and a shadow crossed her features.
‘You see? I bet you don’t want to hear about it now, right?’
She swallowed hard. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘I’m talking about your past. You told me earlier not to bring it up. I’m trying to respect that…what I can’t control is seeing these awful images which keep coming up.’
‘What did you…’ she trailed off, and looked away embarrassed. ‘I really don’t want you seeing all of that.’
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘Because it’s nothing I care to remember.’
I gulped. ‘I understand that.’
‘Whether what you’re seeing is real or imagined, I stick to what I said earlier. I’d rather we didn’t discuss it.’
‘Okay…’ I replied still feeling shaken. I moved back, away from her. Her proximity was bothering me.
I lay down with my back to her, almost rocking myself for comfort. What I had seen was horrendous. She had suffered, and I didn’t want to see what had happened at the hands of an adult while she had been young. It was too horrific. I lay there for a long time while the television played happily to itself and Jess sat wondering whether to try and comfort me. Her thoughts ran from me and concern to then thinking about the man from her past who had inflicted pain. Violent, angry thoughts rushed past then. I rocked myself a little more.
‘Please stop,’ I said quietly.
‘Stop what?’
‘Stop thinking, for goodness sake! I see everything you think! Could you at least make it slightly more pleasant?’
‘I’m sorry if my thoughts aren’t to your liking!’ she exclaimed.
‘Just do me a favour…come and lie down and relax…that way your thought process won’t bother me as much-at least I hope it won’t.’