by Aj Estelliam
‘Alex, you choose. I think it looks great. If it’s where you want to go, when we’ll go there. Okay?’
I nodded, smiling. ‘I’d like to go there.’
‘Book it then…we can go as soon as you want.’
‘Tomorrow too early?’ I questioned.
‘Nope! Not if you can make the booking.’
‘Okay…well, I will give this little hotel a ring and see if I can book something.’
She smiled and sat back on the sofa. ‘You go ahead…I’m shattered suddenly.’
I looked at her with concern. ‘Are you? You’re not feeling good?’
She shook her head and suddenly I could see the brave face she was holding, begin to slip.
‘Jess?’
‘I just…’ she broke off.
‘It must be so hard…’
‘I just…can’t quite believe it all…I mean, some of the things he said in the room, Alex. You just wouldn’t believe them. He was so bitter. So angry with me!’
I nodded, listening to her thoughts tell me just how awful he had been to her.
‘I didn’t think I warranted such hatred. It makes me so sad!’
‘Of course, it does. I mean, he is your only remaining family really.’
She looked down at her hands. ‘I don’t know what I could have done differently to help him. I couldn’t control his drug taking when it got out of hand so it was just easier to turn a blind eye and move to Scotland. I should have stuck by him more. If I had, maybe he wouldn’t have turned out like this.’
‘Jess, you absolutely cannot blame yourself for this. None of this is your fault. If you want to blame anyone, blame your abusive father who created such evil in your lives. You’re not at fault! At all!’
She lowered her gaze again. ‘Why do I feel so bad then?’
‘Because you’re human…and because he’s your brother. Of course you’re going to feel terrible right now.’
A single tear slipped down from her unique and beautiful eye. ‘He is such a different man.’
‘He will be…drugs…abuse…perhaps mental instability. It’s going to take its toll eventually.’
Tears fell freely. ‘Why couldn’t my family just be normal like everyone else’s?’
‘What family is normal these days, Jess? I don’t know one which is! Each family has their quirks.’
‘But not all families have abusers and murderers in them, Alex.’
‘No…very true. You’re welcome to join mine though, Jess. They’re a pretty good bunch…you deserve a good family after all you’ve been through.’ I laid my hand over hers and rubbed it gently with my fingers.
‘Thank you, Alex. I’m beginning to not know what I would do without you.’
‘Well you don’t have to do that, Jess…because I’m not planning on going anywhere.’
The look in her eyes said it all.
Chapter 23
During the following hour, I made two phone calls. One was to my parents, who were keen for us to go and visit them soon. The second was to book a hotel room for a week in Hope, Devon. Once those phone calls were made, I felt positive and happy about the direction my new holiday was headed in.
‘All sorted?’ she asked when I hung up the phone.
‘Yes. We’re booked at a hotel and then my parents will be expecting us a week later.’
‘Brilliant,’ she smiled. ‘Thanks for arranging it all. I don’t know if I could have done it as I feel right now.’
‘Don’t even think twice. Just share the driving with me tomorrow and it’ll all be fine.’
‘Of course! Actually, that’s one phone call I will make-to put you on my car insurance.’
I looked at her strangely. ‘Hang on, Jess…’
‘What?’ she frowned.
‘If we’re ending up at my parent’s house…well, what happens after that? I mean…we’ll be in your car-which will need to bring you back here, to Scotland. What about me?’
She stared at me and I saw clearly what she wanted me to do. Saying it was hard though.
‘You want me to come back here.’
She swallowed hard. ‘You and your thoughts,’ she muttered. ‘Well, the way I feel right now, yes-I’d love you to come back here with me. Obviously, you have a life back down there though,’ she murmured, wondering what part of that life she would remain in.
I sighed, heavily. ‘I guess right now, it’s all the unknown, Jess. I mean, it’s early days…how about we say we take our car. After that we drive back here to Scotland. At that point, I either collect my car and travel home…or…’ I trailed off, wondering how to put the other thoughts into words.
‘Why don’t we just leave it at wondering?’ she replied. ‘I mean-it’s like you said…what happens next is unknown. We just enjoy our time together and we can see where we are when we get back…’
I smiled at her. ‘Okay.’
‘Okay…I’m going to go and phone my car insurance. I may need a few details from you while I’m on the phone…’
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ I murmured.
She smiled at that. ‘That’s what I like to hear.’
Half an hour later, everything was arranged and sorted for our break away. I felt anticipation coursing through me at the prospect of two weeks away with this intriguing woman. It would give me all the opportunity I would need to find out everything there was to know about her.
As the evening progressed, we made dinner together and ate in front of the television. We then made our way up the stairs and lay on the bed facing each other. Making love was not on the agenda. I had more respect for Jess than that. Her mind was turbulent and troubled. She had some way to go before she would be able to let everything that had happened go. It had been so, very disturbing for her.
We lay in the near-darkness, facing each other. We held each other close, even though romance was not on the agenda. Comfort was what she needed and I wanted to provide that for her.
‘I wonder what the catalyst was,’ she murmured, her voice low and husky with exhaustion.
‘For your brother’s actions?’
‘Yeah,’ she said softly.
‘Whatever it was; you shouldn’t blame yourself.’
‘No…but I wonder if I was part of his downfall.’
I stared at her, listening to her replay the things he had said in the interview room.
‘Jess, you’ll drive yourself mad re-thinking it all.’
‘I know, I know…just some of the things he said…’ she trailed off.
‘Were awful, I know,’ I replied.
‘You hear them?’
‘I can’t not with you this near…it’s all you’ve been thinking about.’
‘I’m sorry. This must be so rubbish for you. I don’t plan to be this melancholy all holiday.’
‘Hey; it’s fine…it really is. I’m here for you, Jess-whatever you need-just like you were for me when I needed you.’
She smiled at me. ‘I’m so lucky to have met you.’
‘That’s how I feel,’ I told her, smiling back.
‘We’re kindred spirits in many ways, aren’t we?’
‘I think we are,’ I replied.
‘You think this holiday will do us both good?’ she asked.
‘I hope so,’ I murmured quietly. ‘I know it will be good for you to get away. For me…well, I just need some quiet time. Honestly, Jess, sometimes I think I’m going absolutely mad.’
‘It must feel like that-having thoughts in your head all the time.’
I nodded. ‘Yeah…but I don’t feel like a crazy woman…it’s not like that! I feel like I just ‘know’ if you understand that. The trouble is, if I told medical professionals, they’d probably think I was schizophrenic or something!’
She cocked her head. ‘You just need to learn how to deal with it…and follow your thoughts as you did here.’
‘I guess…’
‘And don’t talk to any medical professionals,’ she chuckled.
‘They’d think I’m a nutter, right?’ I grinned.
‘They sure would, nut case,’ she joked.
I smiled at her happily. It felt good to joke about something which had come to be such a burden to me. It lightened the load, made me feel more normal. ‘Why don’t we go to bed?’
‘I am really tired,’ she yawned.
‘Me too. And before you make your excuses; it’s fine,’ I told her gently, laying a hand on hers.
‘Hey?’ she frowned, looking at me questioningly.
‘You don’t need to worry about ‘us’ tonight. It’s been an awful day. We sleep,’ I told her clearly.
‘You’re the best,’ she said softly.
‘No, you are,’ I replied, in a loving tone, feeling my emotions deepening by the second.
‘Come on…let’s get some sleep. It’ll be a long drive tomorrow.’
‘It sure will,’ I grinned. ‘I’m so excited to get away somewhere nice.’
‘Me too, Alex. Me too.’
We went upstairs and got ourselves sorted, showered and changed for bed, when we finally lay down in bed, I held her close. I felt her exhaustion while her mind worked overtime; reliving the events of the day.
‘Try and distract yourself,’ I told her. ‘Think of something else.’
‘It’s so hard,’ she whispered.
‘You need to sleep.’
‘I know…’
‘Think of me.’
‘Okay.’
Her thoughts changed and became centred around me and everything that was happening between us. I felt her relax as I gently rubbed her back and lulled her to sleep. As she drifted into unconsciousness, I lay there awake, thinking actively. My mind ran through everything that had happened, it ran to the victims of Jess’ brother’s crime and ‘checked in’ on them mentally. They were all doing okay, despite their ordeal.
I then began to drift, but this time I saw more images which disturbed me. I saw eyes; staring at me. They weren’t Jess’ eyes but they looked the same. They were crystal, clear green with the distinctive flecks of brown in them. I stared at them as they looked out into the distance. I followed the eye line and saw the forest where the crimes had taken place. I shivered to myself, feeling evil in my midst. I shook off the image but a new one flitted across my vision like a butterfly. It was an image I had seen before-Jess; lying in the snow, unmoving. I shook myself mentally and told myself to stop it. That had already happened, I told myself. I didn’t need to be thinking about it anymore.
I closed my eyes and curled up against Jess’ back. With her warmth surrounding me, I fell asleep.
The following morning, I woke to the same image. I stared into dead eyes; which were lying in the snow. She looked vacant, and was unmoving. I shivered and shook the image away. She was fine, I told myself. She had fallen to the snow unconscious but she had been absolutely fine afterwards, I told myself.
Jess was still sleeping. Although she looked restful, her thoughts were anything but. She ran through the events of finding Jamie and was remembering the vindictive things he had said whilst in the interrogation room.
I curled closer towards her and comforted her, trying to distract her from her troubled thoughts. As I held her, she began to wake.
Turning over in bed, she smiled at me warmly. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey,’ I replied softly.
‘You alright?’
‘Yeah. You?’
She nodded, but looked slightly sad. ‘What time is it?’
‘Early…just after five,’ I told her.
‘Perfect time to get on the road,’ she murmured.
‘Really?’
She nodded. ‘I’m keen to get away. I don’t want to sit around her mulling on everything.’
‘No…absolutely not.’
‘So, how about we get moving early? All I need to do is throw some things in a bag.’
‘Me too…well, rearrange a few things in a bag.’
‘Shall we get sorted to go then?’ she wondered.
I nodded. ‘Yeah…let’s get this holiday started.’
We climbed out of the bed and preparations began.
Forty minutes later, we were loading the boot of the car. We soon set off and began driving down the snowy path from Jess’ house. As I looked in the rear-view mirror as we left, I felt an involuntary shiver run through me. I shook it off, thinking it stupid. It was over, I reminded myself. I didn’t need to be afraid anymore.
Jess drove without talking, and although I loved her conversation, I found myself exhausted. All I wanted to do was rest. I lay my head back against the car seat and dozed. I needed the quiet and the rest. Jess’ mind was pretty quiet this morning so I found I could rest too. I drifted as she drove South.
Our drive to Devon was long. We stopped every few hours for a convenience break or to eat. Each time we would swap seats and share the driving all the way down. We spoke every so often but I respected her need for quiet time and felt relieved myself to feel peaceful and not full of ‘thought.’
When we finally arrived in Devon, I found myself feeling excitement fill me.
‘I love Devon,’ I said happily as she drove.
‘Do you? Have you been to Devon before?’
‘Oh yes! When we were kids, we used to holiday here in the summer. I’ve always loved the beach and the small, beautiful coves.’
‘Sounds like my idea of heaven,’ she smiled.
‘Yeah…’
‘I’m sorry I haven’t been the best company today,’ she apologised.
‘No worries. It’s been nice for me to be quiet as well.’
‘I guess there’s always noise going on for you.’
‘That’s what I hate-because I’m quite a quiet person in general. Or at least, I like to be able to relax in the quiet. Now I don’t have that. Everything is noisy and distracting.’
‘When I’m not going through a whole load of crap, I’m usually pretty quiet,’ she told me. ‘So, you don’t need to worry about that with me.’
‘No, I know. That’s one of the things that I like about being about around you. Your thoughts don’t annoy me constantly!’ I laughed.
‘No?’
‘No. You’re very truthful and say what you think. You also tend to speak most of your thoughts which is less annoying than many other people!’
‘I just tell it like I see it!’
I smiled at her. ‘I know.’
‘I’m glad I met you, Alex.’
I glanced over at her. ‘I’m glad I met you too, Jess.’
‘You’ve changed my life completely.’
‘Why’s that?’ I asked her, even though I had already heard what her mind thought.
‘Because you’ve given me something for the future I never had before.’
‘What’s that?’ I asked softly.
‘Hope,’ she said simply.
I felt tears threaten at the pure emotion the word provoked.
‘You’ve given me hope, Alex.’
As she said the words, she rounded the corner and the sign prominently showed itself ahead of us. ‘Hope Cove,’ it read. I smiled to myself. Life was funny sometimes. It had a way of working itself out just wonderfully; just perfectly sometimes.
Chapter 24
Jess wound down the small, country lanes down to the cove and I gasped in pure delight. The cove was the most picturesque and beautiful place I had ever seen. It was magical in fact. The sea was a calm, tranquil blue. Its clear waters sparkled in the sunlight. Huge, craggy rocks stretched over one side and were topped with the most beautiful, green headland. The contrast of the green against the brown of the rocks was amazing.
‘Wow,’ I breathed as she wound through the village.
‘This is beautiful!’ Jess exclaimed.
‘It sure is! Oh my goodness, Alex! I’m so glad we came!’
‘Me too. This is going to be perfect for a break, isn’t it?’
I nodded, unspeaking. This was just the ideal place to unwind. I
knew somehow that I would be able to relax here.
Jess parked in the hotel car park which was a feat of incredible driving. To get to the cliff top hotel, you had to wind down a scarily, steep incline which was very intense when driving down. She then had to manoeuvre the car many times in order to get it into one of the tight parking spaces. When we were finally parked, I breathed a sigh of relief.
Climbing out of the car, we both grabbed our bags and headed into the hotel. The gorgeous, white building looked like a wonderful mix of old and new. It had clearly stood on these cliffs for a long time but it was also well-kept and as we walked inside, I saw, beautifully furnished.
We went to the check in desk and I collected our keys. A porter then showed us down to our room and carried our bags for us. When he left, I stepped inside and shut the door behind me.
‘Look at this view!’ Jess exclaimed, heading over to large bay window.
I followed her to the window and stood, looking out at the most wonderful view of the sea I had ever seen. ‘Wow.’
‘You like it here, don’t you?’ she smiled.
‘Like it doesn’t quite cover it,’ I replied happily. ‘I’m feeling on top of cloud nine.’
‘Ah, that’s wonderful.’
I smiled up at her. ‘You seem a little more relaxed too,’ I commented.
‘Not annoying with you my thoughts then?’ she questioned on a little laugh.
‘No! Exactly that!’ I replied smiling.
‘Well, I plan to relax and chill out now we’re here,’ she said, gathering me close into her arms.
‘Good,’ I replied. ‘Because that’s all I want to do with you.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah,’ I replied. ‘Well…and also chat and talk and walk on the beach. Enjoy our surroundings…’
‘Sounds perfect,’ she commented.
I smiled up at her and met her beautiful eyes. I scanned her eyes and learnt them by heart. They were such a clear green. Crystal clear. The fleck of brown was so distinctive and almost heart shaped I noticed. As she bent to kiss me, I felt my heart aching a little. Was this what it felt like to truly fall in love, I wondered? Jess was feeling the same; but her thoughts worried her a little. Could she live a future with me where I could be happy? She worried that she wasn’t enough for me. She had no idea that she was becoming everything to me.