by Aj Estelliam
When she released me, I smiled up at her. ‘Can we go for a walk?’
‘Of course! Where do you want to go?’
‘Down on the beach…or over the headland…it looks stunning.’
‘It sure does. Let me just change and then we’ll get going.’
I smiled at her happily and headed for the bathroom to get ready.
Jess and I headed down to the beach a short while later. There were steps down from the hotel and we walked down as the sea air hit my senses. I breathed deeply, feeling a wave of calm settle over me. This was just what I needed, I mused.
We wandered down the coastal path towards the sea until we reached the edge of the sand. Couple walked, families played and children laughed on the sand. Despite the time of yea, it seemed everyone was happy having come to visit Hope.
‘What a wonderful place,’ I mused.
‘It really is,’ Jess replied.
‘I can’t hear them,’ I said, sighing heavily.
‘What?’
‘I can’t hear them-over the sounds of the sea-I can’t hear them.’
‘Ah…their thoughts?’
I smiled up at her. ‘Undetectable because of the sea…’
‘Well there’s something good to have learnt! Near a raging sea, you don’t have to hear the musings of everyone.’
‘Exactly. I should live close to the sea.’
‘You should,’ she replied, looking out at the rough, turbulent ocean.
I glanced up at her as a clear thought resounded. She was thinking I should live with her. I didn’t mention it, as I didn’t want to embarrass her or make her ask me before I was ready. The idea was there though, and I would think about it.
We sat down on a quiet spot on the sand as the wind blew around us and seas raged. It was a beautiful and wonderful sight.
‘My mother would have loved it here,’ Jess said, her voice quiet and melancholy.
I looked over at her with surprise. As long as I had known her, she hadn’t mentioned her mother. ‘Your Mum?’
‘Yes,’ she breathed.
‘What was she like?’ I asked gently, hoping she would open up to me.
Jess sighed. ‘She was…a wonderful mother. She was kind, soft…gentle. She smelt wonderful; all flowery and like a mum should. I don’t remember a time I haven’t smelt her sense and not been overwhelmed by her memory.’
I watched her as she spoke. She gazed at the ocean and as her memory worked. I could see her as she talked; her image was becoming fixed into my mind. ‘I’m sure that’s to be expected. I mean; everything changed for you when you lost her. I imagine you must look back and remember all the good times.’
She nodded and glanced at me briefly.
‘Why would she have loved it here?’ I wondered.
‘Because she loved the sea. She always spoke of living near the sea. It was her dream. Sadly, she didn’t have enough money to ever make that a reality…then she got sick and it was an impossibility. She loved the sea though. She spent her youth there all the time and all her summer jobs were down by the sea she told me.’
‘How lovely.’
‘Yeah…she really was.’
‘She looks just like you,’ I commented.
Her head whipped around to look at me. ‘What?’
‘When you picture her, I can see her too. She’s just like you…maybe, I don’t know…softer? Less athletic? But her face was so similar to yours.’
‘I know…we had the same eyes.’
‘Oh really?’ I said, trying to see her face more closely. Sure enough, she had the same unique eyes-clear, crystal green with flecks of brown in them.
‘Yes. She was a lovely woman. Inside out.’
‘So are you, Jess.’
‘No. Not like her, I’m not. She was a proper family woman-warm and giving. I’m a much harder character than she was.’
‘Only because of circumstance, Jess.’
‘Maybe.’
‘Well, it’s true. You had to become ‘hard’ as you put it because you were living in such difficult situations. If you hadn’t, you’d probably have followed a very different path.’
‘Maybe true-however I’m happy with the end result. Being a police officer is very rewarding for me.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yeah…helping people became very important to me after what I went through in my own personal life. I wanted to stop bad things happening and make a difference to other people’s lives.’
‘And you’ve done that, right?’
She nodded. ‘Yeah…’ she replied humbly.
An image flashed across my conscious and instead of trying to read it all, I asked her outright. ‘Who was Eve?’
She sighed. ‘One of the women I helped.’
I waited for her to tell me more.’
‘Eve was in a bad marriage. Her husband was abusive and she had two small children. I helped her through it.’
‘You went above and beyond for her.’
‘Maybe…but she needed the help.’
‘You cared for her.’
‘Yes…but not as you think,’ she said, glancing at me.
‘Oh, I didn’t mean romantically,’ I told her, understanding the emotions she had felt. ‘You felt a kinship to her…you both had been through some similar experiences.’
‘That’s right. I cared for her as a friend and I wanted to help her through it. I didn’t want her to get hurt anymore and I also didn’t want her to be downtrodden or destroyed because of it.’
‘What did happen in the end?’ I wondered, wanting her to tell me these things rather than just ‘see’ them.
‘She’s in a good place now. I still check in with her sometimes; even now. The last I heard, she’s planning to marry a new man in her life and the children are now teenagers. The oldest of which is about to go to University. It’s all good news.’
I smiled. ‘That’s wonderful. That must give you a great sense of achievement.’
‘Not achievement…just happiness. I’m just glad she’s okay. It’s good when someone doesn’t remain a victim and comes out the other side happier.’
‘Like you?’
‘Sort of like me.’
‘Did you remain a victim then?’ I asked.
‘No…not I think I remained damaged to some extent.’
‘Yeah…but maybe you still have a chance for more change. To be even more recovered from everything.’
She nodded, slowly. ‘I’ve never gotten over the feeling of everything being resolved completely.’
‘Why is that?’
‘I can’t even tell you, Alex. I don’t understand it myself. It’s just little more than a feeling I have.’
‘I see…well if I can help at all-let me know.’
‘You do help. More than you ever will know.’
‘Oh, I have some idea,’ I told her, smiling knowingly.
‘Of course you do,’ she murmured, smiling back at me.
‘So…you enjoy being a police officer.’
‘Yes. It’s rewarding.’
‘Your mother would have been proud of you,’ I commented.
‘You know something? I think you’re right with that one.’
‘Yeah. It makes me happy to think that she would like that I’ve gone on to help people-especially after how things were.’
‘Yes. If there is a heaven, she’ll be looking down on you with pride.’
‘Yeah,’ Jess murmured, looking out to sea.
A thought flashed through her head. I glanced at her.
‘Don’t,’ I murmured.
‘Don’t what?’
‘Try and think about how she’d feel about your brother…your father. You’ll drive yourself crazy.’
‘But can you imagine? She must be absolutely distraught to think about how a son born of her own blood became such a monster. It’s just unthinkable.’
‘I know,’ I sympathised. ‘It’s just such a sad state of affairs. I don’t know what happens after
death but if there is a heaven, I can’t imagine someone who had killed would end up there with the people who have led a good life.’
‘No…Mum must be up there mortified by the life he led…but I don’t think it was all his fault.’
‘Blame is a tricky thing, Jess. You’re right-he isn’t entirely to blame. I mean, of course for his crimes but for much of it-he was a victim of circumstance.’
‘He really was. I mean, the abuse he saw and suffered was awful and then the excessive amount of drugs messed with his head, I think.’
‘Of course they did. You can’t overthink it though, Jess. You’ll go insane.’
‘I think I am already half way there,’ she said, laughing mirthlessly.
‘I can help you. You just need to talk to me more. You think a lot of it and don’t say it aloud. It’s far healthier to get it all out.’
‘I know-it’s just…’ she trailed off.
‘What?’
‘Well, up until now, I haven’t had anyone to talk to.’
I looked at her in surprise.
‘I haven’t had anyone to talk to about all these things and anyone who I might have been able to talk to; I didn’t want to share it with them. You’re the first person I’ve ever, really truly opened up to.’
‘I know…’
‘And I thank you for that. It means so much that you’re here and willing to talk to me.’
‘Jess; I’m here for you-whatever it is you need. You might not realise this yet but really mean a lot to me.’
She smiled at me warmly. ‘Ditto,’ she replied softly.
Chapter 25
Jess and I sat on the beach for what felt like an age. I slowly felt myself relax, despite the people around me. Surrounded by idyllic, nature surroundings, I felt at rest.
‘You seem content,’ Jess commented, as she sat beside me quietly.
‘I am,’ I told her happily. ‘It’s amazing here.’
‘It’s definitely got a good atmosphere.’
‘That’s what I like about it. It’s by the sea, it’s beautiful and you can go and enjoy the nature around you close by. I love the sea air and how I can breathe clearly…also, the voices are muffled.’
‘So, pretty much ticks all the boxes.’
‘It does,’ I murmured, although was momentarily distracted. I looked down the sand to where a couple wandered along, hand in hand. They wore identical frowns on their faces and they were at odds, when they didn’t need to be. I watched them, taking it all in as they walked towards where we sat neat the slope to the village.
As they passed, luck was in their favour. The woman lost her flip flop from one foot and as she paused to collect it, the man walked on. With a moment on her own, I spoke.
‘Excuse me?’
She looked up, frowning still. ‘Yes?’
‘I just wanted to say-sometimes I have a gift of foresight,’ I told her, standing to talk to her briefly. ‘That man you’re with-you have no reason not to trust him. He isn’t seeing someone else. The reason he’s being so secretive is that he’s planning to propose-and he’s very nervous. Don’t walk away-he’s definitely a keeper.’
Her mouth formed a gaping ‘oh’ shape as she stared at me in disbelief.
‘Good luck,’ I smiled, and then turned and walked back to sit with Jess. I looked back and saw her boyfriend turn.
‘Kate!’ he called.
She looked over, still shocked from my revelation.
‘Are you coming?’
‘Uh, yeah…hold on, I’m on my way…’
I watched them go with a smile. She surprised me as she reached the village by turning back and smiling at me. She gave me a thumbs up and I smiled. I had done a good deed there. It was one thing to spoil his surprise but if I hadn’t, she would have walked away before he had the chance to propose.
‘What was all that about?’ Jess asked, looking at me strangely.
‘Just helping loves young dream,’ I laughed.
‘I thought you weren’t hearing voices.’
‘Well, maybe a few,’ I told her, smiling.
‘I guess when it means helping someone, it can be a good thing.’
‘Exactly. I mean, although it was awful-I still feel glad I came to Scotland. I mean, otherwise, I hate to think about those poor women.’
‘I know. I was thinking the same thing. Do you think fate led you there?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know. Do you believe in fate?’ I wondered.
‘I think so…I mean, I like to. It would be a good think to believe in.’
‘Oh yes? Why’s that?’ I asked.
‘Because it led you to me.’
I gazed up at her and opened my mouth to speak. Instead of uttering the words, I clapped my hand over my mouth in shock as my eyes went wide and alert.
‘What?’
‘Nothing…’ I said, my cheeks reddening.
‘No, go on! You can’t just react like that and then say it’s nothing. What did I say? Or what bothered you?’
‘Nothing bothered me,’ I told her.
‘Then what?’
‘I…I was just going to say something but I didn’t…’
‘Why not? I’m confused.’
‘You said…well, you said it led you to me…and then…well, and then…’
‘What?’ she asked, staring at me wide-eyed.
‘Then I was about to tell you I love you,’ I said slowly. I felt my heart begin to pound and nerves flood my stomach as she stared down at me.
Her eyes were wide and I had clearly stunned her into silence.
‘I think I love you, Jess. I know it’s too soon…I know it seems unbelievable, but that’s how I’m feeling. I don’t quite feel comfortable telling you because it’s so early days but I…it’s true. I love you.’
Her face transformed then. It went from disbelief and shock into a slow, smile. Her smile spread until she was beaming at me. ‘You love me?’
I nodded.
She sighed, looking at with adoration. ‘Oh, Alex…’
I looked at her hopefully.
‘I can’t believe you’ve said the words.’
I met her eyes. ‘I think you almost said them a while back…’
‘I did,’ she nodded.
‘So…?’
She looked down at me lovingly. ‘I love you too, Alex.’
I met her eyes-her beautiful, unique eyes-and smiled. ‘You do?’
‘I do. I most definitely, certainly do. I know how you feel though-it seems like it’s too soon. It seems like it shouldn’t happen this fast. I don’t know, Alex…maybe sometimes it just does hit you like a ton of bricks.’
‘And happen overnight?’
‘Well, it was longer than that! I mean think how many hours we’ve spent in each other’s company! Most people do a few hours on dates here and there before getting together. We had days and nights-twenty-four hours a day!’
‘True,’ I nodded. ‘And I’ve already lived with you…and slept in the same bed as you so I know what to expect!’
‘I suppose we’ve already done it all in a rush and a hurry.’
‘Perhaps. I’m still looking forward to spending more time in the ‘get to know you’ phase,’ I smiled.
‘Yeah…what kind of things are we going to do?’
I thought for a moment. ‘Hmm…’
‘I’m up for anything.’
‘We don’t even know if our interests match,’ I murmured, thinking.
‘No…but we both said we prefer quiet pursuits so I reckon we’re going to be quite like-minded.’
‘I like all the quiet ways of relaxing…walks on the beach, taking a bath, watching a film or reading a book.’
‘That all sounds like heaven to me,’ she commented.
‘Well, there we go then.’
‘What shall we do today?’ she wondered.
‘Let’s start with the first on the list…’
‘A walk on the beach?’
‘Yes. We coul
d go up over the headland…it looks gorgeous-and the view back to Hope from up there must be wonderful.’
‘I’m up for that. I could do with some exercise,’ she said, standing up and stretching.
‘Yeah,’ I laughed, ‘because you’re really letting yourself go,’ I joked, poking her flat, toned stomach.
She smiled. ‘You’re just jealous.’
‘Damn right, I am! Your body is stunning!’
‘So is yours, Alex…’
‘No, it’s not. I’m way ‘softer’ than you,’ I said, making quotation marks in the air.
‘Honey, you’re just a woman! I’m more masculine than you…and I have to stay fit for the job. You’re beautiful just as you are-you don’t need to change anything.’
‘If you say so,’ I chuckled.
‘Now come on-stop fishing for compliments and let’s get walking. We have a headland to climb.’
‘Yes ma’am!’
I got to my feet and followed her across the sand. I felt lighter and happier than I had in a long time.
Jess and I followed the coastal path which began at the end of the beach at Outer Hope. We walked up the muddy and slippery steps and then along a path which wound through woodland at the top of the cliff. We walked along, hand in hand, quiet but comfortable with each other. It was peaceful and serene. Just what I needed.
The end of the woodland came out to a wide expanse of green; the headland. I stepped out into the scene before me and stopped, awed by it all. It was stunning. Absolutely stunning.
‘Jess,’ I breathed.
‘It is, isn’t it?’ she murmured.
I laughed. ‘You’re the mind reader now, are you?’ I grinned.
‘No, but it’s not difficult to know what you’re thinking!’
‘It’s beautiful.’
‘It is, isn’t it? I knew that’s what you were going to say.’
‘I love places like this,’ I mused.
‘This is how I feel about where I live…honestly, Alex, you should see it in summer-or even when there isn’t snow. It’s gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.’
‘Do you want me to come back and see it at other times of the year?’ I asked.
‘I want you to be there, full stop, Alex! What do you think it is that we’re doing here?’